the first time (how sad that it was just the first...) i was sexually abused was by my cousin.  i always looked up to him because he was about six years older than me, but we had always been friends and i thought of him as my favorite cousin.  he betrayed me though.  when i was in 7th grade and he was just starting college he took me to a porn store.  i was obviously under age, but he took me under his arm and we breezed past the store clerk.  he took me to the back of the store where men watched porn movies in little boxes.  i told him i didn't want to, but he said i would like it and i thought he was cool so i went into the box with him.  he made me watch him enjoy himself.  i remember tears welling up and i asked if i could leave, but he held my arm and told me not to be a baby.  i just wanted it to be over.  i waited.  i remember all the other clients there.  the old men staring at me...with greed?  i don't remember the things they said, but my cheeks flushed a bright red.  he made me wait while he picked out gifts for his girlfriend.  i was in a complete daze.  just standing there pertending it hadn't just happened.  it got worse.  he took me to a hotel.  i remember screaming in my head to just run run run, but for some reason i was dumb struck.  i couldn't believe that someone i trusted so much could do this.  i hate myself so much for going right into his trap.  i can't forgive myself for this.  how could i have been so blind?  especially after what happened at the store?  but i didn't believe it would get any worse.  i couldn't comprehend it.  he told me we could just relax and hang out.  we lounged by the pool.  he bought me a bathing suit at the hotel store and made me change into it.  i don't know why i did what he asked.  i felt like a puppet.  he led me into the hot tub.  i hadn't said a word since the store and he just kept talking and talking.  about his girlfriend and describing his sex with her and other things.  i wasn't really listening.  that is the thing.  i wasn't there.  i was just watching it all as if it was a film.  i didn't feel as if i had any control.  he moved to be next to me.  he slid his hand down my bathing suit bottom.  the flush of red came to my cheeks.  there was a few couples around, but no one was paying any attention to us.  i was crying and i heard myself squeak out "please let me go, i want my sister".  he ignored me and put his fingers in me with one hand and had his other on himself.  i was rigid.  i couldn't move.  after he finished he picked me up and carried me to the room and left me.  i didnt talk to him for months and months after that and we avoided each other.  i finally left him a message asking him why and telling him that i was so torn over this.  i told him i never wanted to see him again and that he better make excuses for family affairs because i would never allow myself to be in the same room with him.  he stayed away like i asked.  our grandmother died a few years after that and he didn't even go to the funeral.  our family has been suspicious and people have asked me why we never hang out anymore, but i just shrug my shoulders.  i don't understand why i am protecting him.  i don't know why i still hold the secret so close?  i have told a few people in my life since that happened.  nothing changed, but they listened and i felt a bit better.  daniel was married to his girlfriend two years ago.  i wonder if he ever told her, but i can't imagine her staying with him.  finally a year ago i broke down and told my sister.  she said she was so sorry for what i had to go through.  i begged her not to tell the rest of the family and she agreed.  even though i have told her, she ignores it and still will gossip about him and his wife and lalala.  i want to scream at her to shut up and stop talking about him.  i don't want to hear about it.  i don't understand what she is thinking.  why she is hurting me with the mention of his name, but i stay mute and just listen.  i don't feel the same about my sister anymore.  i expected that when i told her she would be more understanding and caring, but she just pertends it never happened.  i guess it is just a defensive mechanism like how i reacted originally, but i can't forgive myself for that and i can't forgive her for turning her cheek now.  i would like to pertend that this never happened, but it has greatly shaped who i am and effected me all along the road.  i can't forget.