This is one of the hardest things i have ever done. Telling my story or at least as much of it as i can recall. It all began so long ago when i was only 2 years old.

You see when i was living with my aunt and uncle and her four boys along with my mother in a large house in Tx. Her youngest sons had begun molesting me when i was two. I don't remember much other than it always happened when one of the adults sent one of the boys in to read me a bed time story. I hated bed time storys.I can remember him touching me and making me feel ...odd i suppose is the best way to discribe it. By the time i had turned 3 or 4 his brother had joined and i can remember that they would take turns one would be in the bedroom with me and the other would be in the bathroom looking through the window over the bathroom door watching what was going on in the bedroom. I can remember laying there and looking up at the face in the window and not understanding any of it.

The abuse carried on for several years and finally when i was 8 my mother and i where living in some apartments and i can remember there had been some kids selling toys and stuff that day and i really wanted an operation game they had but my mom wouldnt let me have the money. i should tell you that my aunt was living with us at the time and she and i shared a room. They where having a party that night and when mom sent me to bed my abuser was laying in my bed and when i told my mom she said to lay in my aunts bed well when i got back to the room he was there. this carried on with him moving from bed to bed until at last he spralled across both of them and my mother was getting angry so i just got into my aunts bed and layed there knowing what was going to happen. it didnt take long and he was laying beside me with his hand in my panty's it was the first time i told him no. when he offered me all the change he had to let him pull my panties off i told him i had to goto the bathroom and instead went about half way down the stairs and told my mom that he was offering me money to let him do things to me. well she sent a family friend up to see what was going on but i didn't know is that he had followed me and heard me tell on him and he went into the bathroom. the two men talked and the family friend came down and told my mom that my cousin was in the bathroom. needless to say i got into trouble for telling lies and was punished.i was made to feel like i was nothing. it confirmed that no one cared about me or would believe me about what had been going on. This was not the only cousin or man to molest me when i was growing up. all together there where 7 that i can remember. we moved around allot when i was a kid and it seemed like no matter where we where or who we where staying with i never had a safe place to lay my head at night. finally i hit my teens and the molestation came to a stop.

i thought i was safe. well that all changed when i was 17 on Jan 27th exactly one month before my 18th birthday i went to stay will a friend that i hadnt seen in awhile. it was the first time i had ever drank beer or anything else. i ended up getting sick and being sent to a bad bedroom. i dont remember very much of that night other than the faces of three men. when i finally came too i was naked and there was blood on the mattress and between my legs and i hurt so bad. i was scared and alone. i remember my friend walking in and then walking back out. i cleaned myself up and i sat in the corner of the room until morning when my dad showed up. my family never found out what happened that night and i probably will never tell them. but over the next couple of weeks my friend informed me that the men didnt do anything wrong and that i was asking for it. i believed her. over the next few years i stayed in a deep depression and thought about suicide allot i would cut myself and lash out at others and would have nothing to do with men. my family never undestood why i was being like that and i was to scared to tell them what had happened becuase i thought it was my fault becuase i was so out of it i couldnt even talk. i couldnt say no.i couldnt fight back.

i still live with what happened to me like it was just yest. i cant stand to be touched or confined i cant have boyfriends becuase my fear of men is so intense that i cant bring myself to make love. when i have to i will to please the one i love but i cant enjoy it. to me it still feels like a violation. here i am 32 years old and ive only had 2 real relationships in my life. im angry all the time and i cant trust anyone. the first thing i think when i meet someone and they are nice to me is what do they want. what are they going to do. sadly im usually right. it wasn't just the molestation or the rape that cuased this but other abuses as well.

i stoped going to my therapist when he looked at me and said he was surprised i was still alive and hadn't taken my own life yet. I dont think that is something a therapist should say to a suicidal young lady. anyways this was some of my story. i know there isnt much here and i could add more but i just cant bring myself to say anymore about it. just writing what i have has effected me in ways i can not put into words. i have no hope of over coming my childhood. im 32 now and i figure if it hasnt happened yet it never will.

thanks for taking the time to read this

Candy