Today  i am overwhelmed with sadness.

Since the rape (11/1/08), I've lost friends, confidence, sense of accomplishment, gained weight, felt helpless, been in and out of therapy, and pretty much failed at everything I've tried to do. I was never this person before.

I was a senior in college when he did it to me. I have tried four times since then to finish, but it has been too much for me to handle. i can't graduate. I was supossed to walk across that stage Friday in my cap and gown in front of my family, but I broke the news to them yesterday that I'd be letting them down again. I think they are finally realizing that they aren't really able to expect very much of me before.

Meanwhile, over a year and half later, my frustration is urking at me. NOTHING has happened to him -- he did this to me, and it messed up my life! what happens to him? Nothing. It's not fair. I mean I just can't get over it. I am so sad.

I wonder if I'll ever move on, if i'll get better. I hope this doesn't weigh me down my whole life. I am so depressed. I really hope/pray for an emotional turnaround. Ugh :( My heart hurts

It has been a year and six months yesterday since that horrible, horrible night. I have been through it all in the past year and a half I feel like. I've gone from being in shock, to being okay, to wanting to forget it ever happened, to forgetting it ever happened, to hating myself, to forgiving myself. Life has been a rollercoaster.

I went to get a copy of my police report (which I filed for the sole purpose of having it on file in case he does this to any other girl --i didn't procescute or anything b/c lack of physical evidence) and was SHOCKED to find a copy of his statement in there. There was a harassment charge against one of his friends after the incident, and he apparently made a statement and they handed it to me like it was mine. I didn't even notice it until I got back in my car and read through everything. It states that he "in attempt to defend himself, said that he was very drunk and did not remember most of the incident. he does remember having anal sex with the victim, and that the victim said that it was hurting her". I can't believe I read that. It was like everything I've ever wondered on paper, but my curious mind wants to know more. He always told me he didn't remember anything, but he told the cops he knew it hurt me. How could he do that? How could a human being to do that to anyone? It's so weird, it was like it broke my heart all over again. I feel like I reverted back to my feelings a year and half ago-- right after it happened. How could he do that? It isn't fair.

I am sad, and disapointed in myself here lately. I was supossed to graduate college in fall of 2008. He did that to me in November 1, 2008, and I was so messed up I had to medically withdrawl from school. Post Traumatic Stress Disoder took over my life, even though I battled it pretty hard. I was in denial for quite some time. Now, again this semester, I am breaking my own heart with not graduating. I can't do well enough to finish- I can't make myself try. It's like I would rather NOT TRY than try and fail. I know this is wrong, and I've been working on and off with a psychologist and everything, but I can't do it. Right now at least. I seriously have tried every semester to finish up since he did that to me. I have been a great student all of my life, until now. I am so embarassed and ashamed. It's awful. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and everyone is expecting me to walk across that stage in 2 weeks, and I have to tell everyone AGAIN that I can't do it. I am 24 now, and I feel like I should be able to move on.

I am sick of freaking dealing with this! I am so angry at myself for not being able to move on with my life faster. Why has it affected my success so much? I have never put myself through anything like this. I can't really even make any excuses for myself, except that I'm not okay and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be okay. I just want to have a normal life. The nightmares are gone, and I don't usually jump 20 feet when someone touches me anymore, but the pain is still there.

I don't know if some of you have read my story or not-- I wrote it on here about a year ago. In short, I was anal-raped by a guy I was sort of dating. It went on for about 30 minutes and he manipulated me afterwards to basically do everything so that he wouldn't get in trouble. My dumb-butt did it. I was so blind. We live in a small town, and I see him driving and everything from time to time. His roommate works with my dad. I can't get away from the reminders. He lives about 2 miles away from me.

I've been on and off antidepressants and in and out of therapy. I have a very supportive boyfriend, and a wonderful family but they just don't get it. They don't understand how it isn't over with  now. It exhausts me to even explain anything to them. I hate talking about it, and talking about my problems in general with anyone because I feel like I've had the same problems for a year and a half now. Is something wrong with me? Isn't the healing supossed to go faster than this? Why is depression taking over my life yet again?  Why am I so angry? How do I deal with this anger? Why do I want him to know how badly he hurt me? I want him to feel bad. Is that normal? Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to do the things that I once dreamed of and would have if it weren't for this? Why have I gained weight, lost a job, lost friends , and pretty much failed at everything in my life after this happened to me?

Please, any thoughts or advice you have that would help me would be so greatly appreciated.

You all are wonderful. Thanks for reading.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm going crazy.I feel so close to defeat -- and I am NOT this person. I can't get through it. It is just getting worse -- wtf is wrong with me?!

I am messing up school. I had an anxiety attack two weeks ago in public speaking and now it is so hard to even make myself go -- and i am supossed to graduate in may. saturday night was my best friend's bday -- and we pull up to this concert thing at our favorite nightclub and his car is there. How do I tell ten girls I'm not going in? So I go in -- thank goodness I didn't see him. but i see all his friends. And I know he's there and I just have this feeling that he knows I am there (from seeing my friends). My friends want to dance and hear the band -- and what do I do? Have a mental breakdown! Then, stupid stupid stupid me texts him  -- with this absurd hope that he will apologize and tell me he never meant to hurt me and that i didn't deserve it. What does he do? Sends what I write him back to me! The next one says "patrick are you mimiking me?" and he sends it back! That's the first time he's ever made any contact back with me since 12/20. And it for some strange reason destroyed me.

I got in a stupid argument with my mom today -- and I just feel like nobody understands me. I literally layed in bed all day crying. It's been close to 4 months! What is wrong with me? I started anti-depressents last week but they take one month. Therapy = going slow and I can only meet her once  a week. I feel like i have no control over anything in my life. Today I was looking through pictures before it happened -- and it absolutely got the best of me. I was so happy. I just want to be happy and I don't know how. What if I never get through this? Why do I care how he feels? What if I have to withdrraw from school? What will I tell ppl for the 2nd semester in a row? It's too much. I can't handle it -- what do I do?

I feel like I'm the lowest I've been.

My name is Cate. I'm going to take you to summer 2008. I was so happy. I left my abusive boyfriend of 4 years in May. I lost 50 pounds within the last year. I got a breast reduction and for the first time in years felt good about myself. I was going to graduate in December 2008 with a degree in sociology -- with plans of going into social work. Now that the exboyfriend was out of the picture, I could go out and have a social life. For the first time in years, I was able to be a college student and felt so free.

On August 1st, my friends and I went out to hear one of our favorite bands play at a local bar. I didn't care about meeting any boys or anything -- I just wanted to have fun with my girls. We danced for hours. I danced with this guy, Patrick, and he bought me and my friends a drink. We left and went to Waffle House in the early hours on the morning. It was so much fun. Patrick was there. We talked, and he offered to take me home because I didn't drive that night and my friend's car was full. Me, being a drunkened idiot, said sure. I ended up going home with him and sleeping with him. I woke up to the sweetest guy in the whole world. It turned out his roommate worked with my dad. He was everything the ex was not. He was grounded, worked hard, had his own everything, and was a leader not a follower. We talked for almost 4 hours before he took me home. My stupid drunk sex started to develop into feelings for this sweet guy.

We casually dated on and off until October. He was wild, fun, spontaneous, hilarious, and very confident.  However, I will say he always pulled away when we started to get more serious. I never knew exactly what he was thinking or feeling.  But I always trusted him. One important night worth a mention was the second time we slept together - -he went really deep inside me and he saw a tear in my eye. He immediately got off me (even though we had both been drinking) and I was like "what are you doing? it's okay! i'm alright it's just been a while."  He told me he would never do anything to hurt me or make me cry. That was sick, in his opinion. He was very into "being a gentlemen" and making sure he never hurt me -- physically and mentally. We got in a little tiff in October and some stupid things and didn't talk for a while. 

On Halloween, I was sick and didn't go out (which sucked!). My neighbors were having a party, and I was so irritated with the noise level so I drove to my parents' house (who live in the same town as me). I got my pillow and cough syrup and headed over there. He texted me -- which was weird because I had not heard from him since the beginning of October. I called him -- and he was like "Aw don't wake your parents up. Come sleep over here. It's quiet. We can just talk if you want." I thought that was weird, and I knew he was drunk. He even told me. But, stupid me went over there. I let myself in (which is way out of the ordinary for this 'southern gentleman'). I found him laying in bed naked. Honestly, I knew we were going to have sex. He was like "hey you...why do you have clothes on?" i laughed and got undressed and got in bed with him. He was like "suck on him" and I looked at him -- thinking that's weird -- he's not usually like that. But I did. And he pushed my head down so hard it gagged me very badly. I told him " you know i hate that"... He's like "i'm so sorry" and started massaging my neck. then we started to have sex. I was on top of him. Everything was okay -- he was a little rough -- but I was fine. then he started touching me in the other place. I can't even write it -- i am so ashamed. I am going to do my best to get through with this. He told me "you're wet enough, let's try it." i said "no patrick, it's gonna hurt. i've never done that before. i'm too scared." We'd had this conversation about a month ago -- and he completely respected my "no". He begged and begged and finally I relunctantly agreed. I said "if it hurts you have to stop." he said "okay." I said "no pat-- promise me." He said, "cate i swear." He told me I would have control over it if i was on top. Yeah, he said the word CONTROL. Ugh... He put it in me and immediately I yelled out in pain. I said "PATRICK IT HURTS!" He was like "shhhh relax baby...you gotta relax." I kept telling him "It hurts -- you said you wouldn't hurt me!" Over and over agian. Looking back, I don't understand why i didn't tell him to get the eff off of me -- but that was my way -- it was his promise. My makeup was all over his chest. I was screaming. It was so so so awful. Finally,, I gave up telling him how bad it hurt. I just took it and cried. All 30 minutes of it. At one point he got out lotion and flipped me over on my side and then on my stomach. It hurt themost when he penetrated... He was so rough... I've never in my life experienced a pain like that. Finally he got tired. He layed beside me. Then, because he was not finished, he took my head and put it down there and pushed on it -- and told me to suck on him again. How horribly disgusting after you do something like that. But at that point I did not even care, I was so relieved that he was not inside of my body. For the first time IN MY LIFE -- he came in my mouth. I've never let anybody do that to me and he knew that.

I gagged and gagged -- and all he could tell me was "that's f--ing disgusting cate -- go to the bathroom and spit it out!" I ran to his bathroom and spit it out. Then I vomited and sobbed some more. I slowly came back in his room. I stood at the foot at his bed and looked at him. He told me "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have to work in the morning". I looked at him with a broken heart all over my face and said "you're telling me to leave?" He was like "no but do what you wanna do." I said , "Patrick how would you feel if I said that to you after you did two things you'd never done before ?" He said, very sarcastically, that he would be heartbroken. I started crying some more and he was like "ohh come on its okay im sorry im sorry -- just lay in bed." Why did I? It horrifies me at how I acted after he did that to me. I got in bed, and his loyal labador retriever (Macy) got between me and the wall -- as far from him as possible. Interesting, huh? I stayed very far from him in the bed. I got up about 4 or 5 times to go to the bathroom. I was bleeding and wouldn't stop. I put my sweatpants back on to make sure I didn't get blood on his sheets.

Finally about 2 hours later - appx 6 a.m. I left. I was like "i'm going home". He mumbled something and turned over. I remember feeling at that time that things would never be the same. Boy was I right. I didn't understand to the extent of how serious everything was until much later. I absolutely lost it afterwards. I have had some communication with him, but of course never got any closure. I tried to make him realize what he did. He told me he would pay for counselling - to not file it under insurance because he did not want my parents to find out. He never paid a dime. I got diagnosed with PTSD and had to medically withdraw from school and did not graduate. I sent back graduation cards and money -- and I guess the best way to describe it was the worst broken heart of my life. I still don't sleep well, still throw up when thinking about it. And I still care that he doesn't care. I tried to make a doctor's appointment -- but sat in the parking lot too embarassed to go in. How could i show some doctor my butthole? So humiliating. I did file a police report, and am in therapy (thanks to my parents help). I have told some people. It helps some. I just want my life back . I don't understand how it messed me up like this. I can't focus on anything. It consumes me. I feel crazy. He played victim throughout it all. I am so angry at him. He lives in this town, works in this town, and we have many mutual friends.

Two days ago I had dinner with an old friend who went to high school with him. I told her and she couldn't believe it. Apparently while he was "dating" me he was trying to get with one of her friends. She was supossed to meet up with him on Halloween night. Her friends took her phone because what he was writing was  sketchy. She was very drunk, and my friend swore if she had a way  -- that she would have been at his house. It could have been her. This broke my heart, but for the first time I was glad that I felt like this happened to me for a reason. Maybe it happened to me because she couldn't have handled it. I don't know. I'm just trying to mend. I need lots of strength and I don't know where it is. I've been violated in every way possible, and I do not want to be that person.

Thanks for reading.

This summer was the best summer of my life. I was so happy.  The happiness continued into mid fall. I was set to graduate college on December 17. I had planned a trip to Guatemala with my cousin for January. Life was so exciting. Until it happened. October 31. I will forever hate Halloween. I didn't graduate -- I had to medically withdraw because it messed my head up so badly. Needless to say, I'm not in Guatemala. I'm in school --retaking all the courses AGAIN from last semester. I am angry, restless, anxious, but most of all broken hearted. I feel like i have no control over my life. It is hard for me to make myself do anything productive. I've gained 10 pounds, lost friends, and confused everyone who loves me. I am so lost. I am in counselling -- it has been sort of a nightmare finding one though. However, now I am with psychologist #5 and I am actually hopeful with her but once a week is not enough, or at least doesn't feel like it. I hate to sound like such a pessimist -- I'm just so lost. I have to pass his house everyday, he still lives here and works here. I run into our mutual friends often and it brings back memories. I am so so so tired of dealing with it, dreaming about it, and letting it affect my life. Any words of wisdom anyone?