For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm going crazy.I feel so close to defeat -- and I am NOT this person. I can't get through it. It is just getting worse -- wtf is wrong with me?!
I am messing up school. I had an anxiety attack two weeks ago in public speaking and now it is so hard to even make myself go -- and i am supossed to graduate in may. saturday night was my best friend's bday -- and we pull up to this concert thing at our favorite nightclub and his car is there. How do I tell ten girls I'm not going in? So I go in -- thank goodness I didn't see him. but i see all his friends. And I know he's there and I just have this feeling that he knows I am there (from seeing my friends). My friends want to dance and hear the band -- and what do I do? Have a mental breakdown! Then, stupid stupid stupid me texts him -- with this absurd hope that he will apologize and tell me he never meant to hurt me and that i didn't deserve it. What does he do? Sends what I write him back to me! The next one says "patrick are you mimiking me?" and he sends it back! That's the first time he's ever made any contact back with me since 12/20. And it for some strange reason destroyed me.
I got in a stupid argument with my mom today -- and I just feel like nobody understands me. I literally layed in bed all day crying. It's been close to 4 months! What is wrong with me? I started anti-depressents last week but they take one month. Therapy = going slow and I can only meet her once a week. I feel like i have no control over anything in my life. Today I was looking through pictures before it happened -- and it absolutely got the best of me. I was so happy. I just want to be happy and I don't know how. What if I never get through this? Why do I care how he feels? What if I have to withdrraw from school? What will I tell ppl for the 2nd semester in a row? It's too much. I can't handle it -- what do I do?
I feel like I'm the lowest I've been.