For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm going crazy.I feel so close to defeat -- and I am NOT this person. I can't get through it. It is just getting worse -- wtf is wrong with me?!

I am messing up school. I had an anxiety attack two weeks ago in public speaking and now it is so hard to even make myself go -- and i am supossed to graduate in may. saturday night was my best friend's bday -- and we pull up to this concert thing at our favorite nightclub and his car is there. How do I tell ten girls I'm not going in? So I go in -- thank goodness I didn't see him. but i see all his friends. And I know he's there and I just have this feeling that he knows I am there (from seeing my friends). My friends want to dance and hear the band -- and what do I do? Have a mental breakdown! Then, stupid stupid stupid me texts him  -- with this absurd hope that he will apologize and tell me he never meant to hurt me and that i didn't deserve it. What does he do? Sends what I write him back to me! The next one says "patrick are you mimiking me?" and he sends it back! That's the first time he's ever made any contact back with me since 12/20. And it for some strange reason destroyed me.

I got in a stupid argument with my mom today -- and I just feel like nobody understands me. I literally layed in bed all day crying. It's been close to 4 months! What is wrong with me? I started anti-depressents last week but they take one month. Therapy = going slow and I can only meet her once  a week. I feel like i have no control over anything in my life. Today I was looking through pictures before it happened -- and it absolutely got the best of me. I was so happy. I just want to be happy and I don't know how. What if I never get through this? Why do I care how he feels? What if I have to withdrraw from school? What will I tell ppl for the 2nd semester in a row? It's too much. I can't handle it -- what do I do?

I feel like I'm the lowest I've been.

This summer was the best summer of my life. I was so happy.  The happiness continued into mid fall. I was set to graduate college on December 17. I had planned a trip to Guatemala with my cousin for January. Life was so exciting. Until it happened. October 31. I will forever hate Halloween. I didn't graduate -- I had to medically withdraw because it messed my head up so badly. Needless to say, I'm not in Guatemala. I'm in school --retaking all the courses AGAIN from last semester. I am angry, restless, anxious, but most of all broken hearted. I feel like i have no control over my life. It is hard for me to make myself do anything productive. I've gained 10 pounds, lost friends, and confused everyone who loves me. I am so lost. I am in counselling -- it has been sort of a nightmare finding one though. However, now I am with psychologist #5 and I am actually hopeful with her but once a week is not enough, or at least doesn't feel like it. I hate to sound like such a pessimist -- I'm just so lost. I have to pass his house everyday, he still lives here and works here. I run into our mutual friends often and it brings back memories. I am so so so tired of dealing with it, dreaming about it, and letting it affect my life. Any words of wisdom anyone?