My name is Cate. I'm going to take you to summer 2008. I was so happy. I left my abusive boyfriend of 4 years in May. I lost 50 pounds within the last year. I got a breast reduction and for the first time in years felt good about myself. I was going to graduate in December 2008 with a degree in sociology -- with plans of going into social work. Now that the exboyfriend was out of the picture, I could go out and have a social life. For the first time in years, I was able to be a college student and felt so free.
On August 1st, my friends and I went out to hear one of our favorite bands play at a local bar. I didn't care about meeting any boys or anything -- I just wanted to have fun with my girls. We danced for hours. I danced with this guy, Patrick, and he bought me and my friends a drink. We left and went to Waffle House in the early hours on the morning. It was so much fun. Patrick was there. We talked, and he offered to take me home because I didn't drive that night and my friend's car was full. Me, being a drunkened idiot, said sure. I ended up going home with him and sleeping with him. I woke up to the sweetest guy in the whole world. It turned out his roommate worked with my dad. He was everything the ex was not. He was grounded, worked hard, had his own everything, and was a leader not a follower. We talked for almost 4 hours before he took me home. My stupid drunk sex started to develop into feelings for this sweet guy.
We casually dated on and off until October. He was wild, fun, spontaneous, hilarious, and very confident. However, I will say he always pulled away when we started to get more serious. I never knew exactly what he was thinking or feeling. But I always trusted him. One important night worth a mention was the second time we slept together - -he went really deep inside me and he saw a tear in my eye. He immediately got off me (even though we had both been drinking) and I was like "what are you doing? it's okay! i'm alright it's just been a while." He told me he would never do anything to hurt me or make me cry. That was sick, in his opinion. He was very into "being a gentlemen" and making sure he never hurt me -- physically and mentally. We got in a little tiff in October and some stupid things and didn't talk for a while.
On Halloween, I was sick and didn't go out (which sucked!). My neighbors were having a party, and I was so irritated with the noise level so I drove to my parents' house (who live in the same town as me). I got my pillow and cough syrup and headed over there. He texted me -- which was weird because I had not heard from him since the beginning of October. I called him -- and he was like "Aw don't wake your parents up. Come sleep over here. It's quiet. We can just talk if you want." I thought that was weird, and I knew he was drunk. He even told me. But, stupid me went over there. I let myself in (which is way out of the ordinary for this 'southern gentleman'). I found him laying in bed naked. Honestly, I knew we were going to have sex. He was like "hey you...why do you have clothes on?" i laughed and got undressed and got in bed with him. He was like "suck on him" and I looked at him -- thinking that's weird -- he's not usually like that. But I did. And he pushed my head down so hard it gagged me very badly. I told him " you know i hate that"... He's like "i'm so sorry" and started massaging my neck. then we started to have sex. I was on top of him. Everything was okay -- he was a little rough -- but I was fine. then he started touching me in the other place. I can't even write it -- i am so ashamed. I am going to do my best to get through with this. He told me "you're wet enough, let's try it." i said "no patrick, it's gonna hurt. i've never done that before. i'm too scared." We'd had this conversation about a month ago -- and he completely respected my "no". He begged and begged and finally I relunctantly agreed. I said "if it hurts you have to stop." he said "okay." I said "no pat-- promise me." He said, "cate i swear." He told me I would have control over it if i was on top. Yeah, he said the word CONTROL. Ugh... He put it in me and immediately I yelled out in pain. I said "PATRICK IT HURTS!" He was like "shhhh relax baby...you gotta relax." I kept telling him "It hurts -- you said you wouldn't hurt me!" Over and over agian. Looking back, I don't understand why i didn't tell him to get the eff off of me -- but that was my way -- it was his promise. My makeup was all over his chest. I was screaming. It was so so so awful. Finally,, I gave up telling him how bad it hurt. I just took it and cried. All 30 minutes of it. At one point he got out lotion and flipped me over on my side and then on my stomach. It hurt themost when he penetrated... He was so rough... I've never in my life experienced a pain like that. Finally he got tired. He layed beside me. Then, because he was not finished, he took my head and put it down there and pushed on it -- and told me to suck on him again. How horribly disgusting after you do something like that. But at that point I did not even care, I was so relieved that he was not inside of my body. For the first time IN MY LIFE -- he came in my mouth. I've never let anybody do that to me and he knew that.
I gagged and gagged -- and all he could tell me was "that's f--ing disgusting cate -- go to the bathroom and spit it out!" I ran to his bathroom and spit it out. Then I vomited and sobbed some more. I slowly came back in his room. I stood at the foot at his bed and looked at him. He told me "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have to work in the morning". I looked at him with a broken heart all over my face and said "you're telling me to leave?" He was like "no but do what you wanna do." I said , "Patrick how would you feel if I said that to you after you did two things you'd never done before ?" He said, very sarcastically, that he would be heartbroken. I started crying some more and he was like "ohh come on its okay im sorry im sorry -- just lay in bed." Why did I? It horrifies me at how I acted after he did that to me. I got in bed, and his loyal labador retriever (Macy) got between me and the wall -- as far from him as possible. Interesting, huh? I stayed very far from him in the bed. I got up about 4 or 5 times to go to the bathroom. I was bleeding and wouldn't stop. I put my sweatpants back on to make sure I didn't get blood on his sheets.
Finally about 2 hours later - appx 6 a.m. I left. I was like "i'm going home". He mumbled something and turned over. I remember feeling at that time that things would never be the same. Boy was I right. I didn't understand to the extent of how serious everything was until much later. I absolutely lost it afterwards. I have had some communication with him, but of course never got any closure. I tried to make him realize what he did. He told me he would pay for counselling - to not file it under insurance because he did not want my parents to find out. He never paid a dime. I got diagnosed with PTSD and had to medically withdraw from school and did not graduate. I sent back graduation cards and money -- and I guess the best way to describe it was the worst broken heart of my life. I still don't sleep well, still throw up when thinking about it. And I still care that he doesn't care. I tried to make a doctor's appointment -- but sat in the parking lot too embarassed to go in. How could i show some doctor my butthole? So humiliating. I did file a police report, and am in therapy (thanks to my parents help). I have told some people. It helps some. I just want my life back . I don't understand how it messed me up like this. I can't focus on anything. It consumes me. I feel crazy. He played victim throughout it all. I am so angry at him. He lives in this town, works in this town, and we have many mutual friends.
Two days ago I had dinner with an old friend who went to high school with him. I told her and she couldn't believe it. Apparently while he was "dating" me he was trying to get with one of her friends. She was supossed to meet up with him on Halloween night. Her friends took her phone because what he was writing was sketchy. She was very drunk, and my friend swore if she had a way -- that she would have been at his house. It could have been her. This broke my heart, but for the first time I was glad that I felt like this happened to me for a reason. Maybe it happened to me because she couldn't have handled it. I don't know. I'm just trying to mend. I need lots of strength and I don't know where it is. I've been violated in every way possible, and I do not want to be that person.
Thanks for reading.