It has been a year and six months yesterday since that horrible, horrible night. I have been through it all in the past year and a half I feel like. I've gone from being in shock, to being okay, to wanting to forget it ever happened, to forgetting it ever happened, to hating myself, to forgiving myself. Life has been a rollercoaster.
I went to get a copy of my police report (which I filed for the sole purpose of having it on file in case he does this to any other girl --i didn't procescute or anything b/c lack of physical evidence) and was SHOCKED to find a copy of his statement in there. There was a harassment charge against one of his friends after the incident, and he apparently made a statement and they handed it to me like it was mine. I didn't even notice it until I got back in my car and read through everything. It states that he "in attempt to defend himself, said that he was very drunk and did not remember most of the incident. he does remember having anal sex with the victim, and that the victim said that it was hurting her". I can't believe I read that. It was like everything I've ever wondered on paper, but my curious mind wants to know more. He always told me he didn't remember anything, but he told the cops he knew it hurt me. How could he do that? How could a human being to do that to anyone? It's so weird, it was like it broke my heart all over again. I feel like I reverted back to my feelings a year and half ago-- right after it happened. How could he do that? It isn't fair.
I am sad, and disapointed in myself here lately. I was supossed to graduate college in fall of 2008. He did that to me in November 1, 2008, and I was so messed up I had to medically withdrawl from school. Post Traumatic Stress Disoder took over my life, even though I battled it pretty hard. I was in denial for quite some time. Now, again this semester, I am breaking my own heart with not graduating. I can't do well enough to finish- I can't make myself try. It's like I would rather NOT TRY than try and fail. I know this is wrong, and I've been working on and off with a psychologist and everything, but I can't do it. Right now at least. I seriously have tried every semester to finish up since he did that to me. I have been a great student all of my life, until now. I am so embarassed and ashamed. It's awful. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and everyone is expecting me to walk across that stage in 2 weeks, and I have to tell everyone AGAIN that I can't do it. I am 24 now, and I feel like I should be able to move on.
I am sick of freaking dealing with this! I am so angry at myself for not being able to move on with my life faster. Why has it affected my success so much? I have never put myself through anything like this. I can't really even make any excuses for myself, except that I'm not okay and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be okay. I just want to have a normal life. The nightmares are gone, and I don't usually jump 20 feet when someone touches me anymore, but the pain is still there.
I don't know if some of you have read my story or not-- I wrote it on here about a year ago. In short, I was anal-raped by a guy I was sort of dating. It went on for about 30 minutes and he manipulated me afterwards to basically do everything so that he wouldn't get in trouble. My dumb-butt did it. I was so blind. We live in a small town, and I see him driving and everything from time to time. His roommate works with my dad. I can't get away from the reminders. He lives about 2 miles away from me.
I've been on and off antidepressants and in and out of therapy. I have a very supportive boyfriend, and a wonderful family but they just don't get it. They don't understand how it isn't over with now. It exhausts me to even explain anything to them. I hate talking about it, and talking about my problems in general with anyone because I feel like I've had the same problems for a year and a half now. Is something wrong with me? Isn't the healing supossed to go faster than this? Why is depression taking over my life yet again? Why am I so angry? How do I deal with this anger? Why do I want him to know how badly he hurt me? I want him to feel bad. Is that normal? Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to do the things that I once dreamed of and would have if it weren't for this? Why have I gained weight, lost a job, lost friends , and pretty much failed at everything in my life after this happened to me?
Please, any thoughts or advice you have that would help me would be so greatly appreciated.
You all are wonderful. Thanks for reading.