I've hit bottom.  I'm terrified.  I'm afraid, because I was here once before... and that was several years ago when I attempted suicide.

Everything has gone completely black.  I can think my way through it all right now, and my emotions are whipping around like a hurricane.

I'm afraid that this is where sanity may slip into insanity.  I'm afraid that I can't hold it off anymore.

I tell myself "Keep breathing".  Just live through this moment.  But I know I'm losing the will to live at all.  I'm running out of the strength to fight back.  I'm craving that place where everything fades away.  I don't want to continue this struggle right now. 

I thought by now I'd be so much further than I am.  I thought if I did the right things, and kept doing the right things, that I would heal.  But the pain runs too deep.  And I'm exhausted.

I'm not writing this to freak anyone out.  I'm only trying to be honest.  Everyone says that the truth will set you free - maybe if I voice this truth it will help in some way.  I desperately need some freedom.  I need some hope....

Have I mentioned lately how much YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!   Thank you for all your support and kind notes and comments. 

I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, and have started moving forward again.  The last 10 days were a bit crazy... but they were a learning experience.

I have struggled with drug addiction for years.  It was mainly my way of trying to numb my feelings -  an after-effect of sexual abuse.  After I got into counseling, I went to rehab, and cleaned up.  Now I'm trying to learn how to deal with my emotions appropriately.  I've heard that "emotion" means "energy in motion".  And wow, have mine been in motion. 

Last week, I was majorly triggered when a man in a "leadership" position made very inappropriate sexual advances towards me.  A day or so later, the tensions with my family situation boiled over as well.  I didn't handle it all so well.  I had a major freak out that led to a relapse.  But I discovered something through that relapse.

My discovery is that I'm truly changing.  The "drug addict" label doesn't fit me very well anymore.  Yes, I still struggle with addiction...  but I'm becoming something new... something different.  I don't want to live my life in a fog anymore.  I want to LIVE!  That survivor instinct that carried me through in the past, is getting stronger I think.  It is all such a beautiful contradiction.  I have never felt more of a mess, but I have never felt so together.  My gut instinct is telling me that I'm headed in the right direction, even though I haven't a clue where I'm at right now.   So yes, I'm struggling.  But I finally feel like I'm struggling "towards" something!  It doesn't dull the pain, but it makes it more appropriate.  Does any of that make sense?

After all of this craziness, I did decide I need a bit of a break though.  So I'm headed back to my "2nd home" - Ireland.  How that is my second home is a very long story (I don't have a drop of Irish blood)...  but Ireland has a healing effect for me.   I can't stay for as long as I'd like, but I'm so looking forward to spending some time in my little village by the River Nore.  So after Sunday, I won't be around PWP for a little while.  But I carry each of you with me, in my heart and in my prayers.  I typically have issues with feeling "close" to anyone, but the connection I have here is strong.  I am so proud of our bond.  I hope that I can eventually get my feet under me enough to be as much support to you, as some of you have been to me.

I finally did it.  I wrote out my experience of rape. 

Once I got started, I HAD to keep going.  It was all quite fragmented, but the picture is painted.  I also allowed my counselor to read it.  That part was really difficult too.

But the whole experience, of seeing it written in black and white.... it's confusing.  There is a relief of finally having it "out".  But there is a new weight that seems to have settled down on my shoulders as well.  I feel like I have just entered a whole new, foreign territory.

I don't mean to be over-dramatic about a seemingly simple event.  But for whatever reason, it is throwing me for a loop at the moment.  I suddenly feel very shaky and uncertain with the whole idea of progressing.  I'm very anxious.

I guess I'm stating all of that here, in the hopes that someone might know what I'm talking about.  Because right now, I'm not sure I do.