Have I mentioned lately how much YOU GUYS ROCK!!!! Thank you for all your support and kind notes and comments.
I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, and have started moving forward again. The last 10 days were a bit crazy... but they were a learning experience.
I have struggled with drug addiction for years. It was mainly my way of trying to numb my feelings - an after-effect of sexual abuse. After I got into counseling, I went to rehab, and cleaned up. Now I'm trying to learn how to deal with my emotions appropriately. I've heard that "emotion" means "energy in motion". And wow, have mine been in motion.
Last week, I was majorly triggered when a man in a "leadership" position made very inappropriate sexual advances towards me. A day or so later, the tensions with my family situation boiled over as well. I didn't handle it all so well. I had a major freak out that led to a relapse. But I discovered something through that relapse.
My discovery is that I'm truly changing. The "drug addict" label doesn't fit me very well anymore. Yes, I still struggle with addiction... but I'm becoming something new... something different. I don't want to live my life in a fog anymore. I want to LIVE! That survivor instinct that carried me through in the past, is getting stronger I think. It is all such a beautiful contradiction. I have never felt more of a mess, but I have never felt so together. My gut instinct is telling me that I'm headed in the right direction, even though I haven't a clue where I'm at right now. So yes, I'm struggling. But I finally feel like I'm struggling "towards" something! It doesn't dull the pain, but it makes it more appropriate. Does any of that make sense?
After all of this craziness, I did decide I need a bit of a break though. So I'm headed back to my "2nd home" - Ireland. How that is my second home is a very long story (I don't have a drop of Irish blood)... but Ireland has a healing effect for me. I can't stay for as long as I'd like, but I'm so looking forward to spending some time in my little village by the River Nore. So after Sunday, I won't be around PWP for a little while. But I carry each of you with me, in my heart and in my prayers. I typically have issues with feeling "close" to anyone, but the connection I have here is strong. I am so proud of our bond. I hope that I can eventually get my feet under me enough to be as much support to you, as some of you have been to me.