And so the journey continues...
After letting my counselor read the story of how I was raped, I wasn't sure if I could go back and look him in the eye again. There is so much shame. But I went back. And incredibly, it was one of the "calmest" sessions I've ever had. He knew the ugliness. It had been accepted. I hadn't been judged. Of course there is still a lot of turmoil, and a lot further to go on this journey. But I finally let someone past the walls.
On the other hand, I am having night terrors, flashbacks, and anxiety attacks. After having gone through rehab, I've been drug free for roughly 6 months. But now that the lid on this whole issue is cracked open... I'm once again really struggling with addiction cravings. I don't want to mess up now, and go backwards. But the events of the last week have been very overwhelming. The interuptions in sleep, and the anxiety, etc are taking their toll on me. I've been told that my subconscious is only doing what it needs to do. After waking up screaming from violent night terrors, I was ranting about wanting them to stop. But I was calmly told "Maybe you need to scream some more." Which seems so ironic, because I don't want to scream. I don't want to be loosing control like this. But apparently, some part of my subconscious mind is giving permission for all of this to happen. I've withdrawn so much because I don't want other people to think I'm losing my mind. Heck, sometimes I think I'm losing my mind!!! I can't pretend like I'm okay right now.
But I fiercely hold on to the hope that I will be okay. It may take years. But I am reconstructing who I am. The construction process just looks more like a demolition site at the moment.
I'm afraid. I feel very alone. I just want to be okay. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. I just want to stop having to wear a mask so no one sees how broken I really am. I don't want to slide back into addiction, but I am terrified that I'm not strong enough to keep that from happening. Sometimes I just want to be numb again. Sometimes I just don't care.
But I do care. More than anything I care. I want to heal.
Thank you all so much for the support here. You're my lifeline at the moment. I happened upon PWP at just the right time...