Someone told me today, that many people look at my life and wish they could be me.  And I couldn't have been more shocked!!!
How is it that I am so capable of presenting this "together" exterior;  this perfectly polished mask?  How could anyone ever want to be me? At first,
I was surprised.  Now, I am angry.  Maybe I should feel lucky that other people envy me.  But I am angry.
I'm angry that they can't see what has happened, and what it has done to me inside.  I'm angry that I can't show them. 
I'm angry that their view of me is so shallow.  I'm angry that I can't let anyone close enough to see the truth.
I'm angry that they can only see the good.  I'm angry that I can only see the pain.
I'm angry that they notice the free-spirited attitude.  I'm angry that I feel my spirit is chained.

I'm angry that part of me was taken away.  I'm angry that I can't seem to find a way to replace the part that is missing.
I am such a mixed up mess of contradictions.

Have I mentioned lately how much YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!   Thank you for all your support and kind notes and comments. 

I picked myself back up, dusted myself off, and have started moving forward again.  The last 10 days were a bit crazy... but they were a learning experience.

I have struggled with drug addiction for years.  It was mainly my way of trying to numb my feelings -  an after-effect of sexual abuse.  After I got into counseling, I went to rehab, and cleaned up.  Now I'm trying to learn how to deal with my emotions appropriately.  I've heard that "emotion" means "energy in motion".  And wow, have mine been in motion. 

Last week, I was majorly triggered when a man in a "leadership" position made very inappropriate sexual advances towards me.  A day or so later, the tensions with my family situation boiled over as well.  I didn't handle it all so well.  I had a major freak out that led to a relapse.  But I discovered something through that relapse.

My discovery is that I'm truly changing.  The "drug addict" label doesn't fit me very well anymore.  Yes, I still struggle with addiction...  but I'm becoming something new... something different.  I don't want to live my life in a fog anymore.  I want to LIVE!  That survivor instinct that carried me through in the past, is getting stronger I think.  It is all such a beautiful contradiction.  I have never felt more of a mess, but I have never felt so together.  My gut instinct is telling me that I'm headed in the right direction, even though I haven't a clue where I'm at right now.   So yes, I'm struggling.  But I finally feel like I'm struggling "towards" something!  It doesn't dull the pain, but it makes it more appropriate.  Does any of that make sense?

After all of this craziness, I did decide I need a bit of a break though.  So I'm headed back to my "2nd home" - Ireland.  How that is my second home is a very long story (I don't have a drop of Irish blood)...  but Ireland has a healing effect for me.   I can't stay for as long as I'd like, but I'm so looking forward to spending some time in my little village by the River Nore.  So after Sunday, I won't be around PWP for a little while.  But I carry each of you with me, in my heart and in my prayers.  I typically have issues with feeling "close" to anyone, but the connection I have here is strong.  I am so proud of our bond.  I hope that I can eventually get my feet under me enough to be as much support to you, as some of you have been to me.

And so the journey continues...

After letting my counselor read the story of how I was raped, I wasn't sure if I could go back and look him in the eye again.   There is so much shame.  But I went back.  And incredibly, it was one of the "calmest" sessions I've ever had.  He knew the ugliness.  It had been accepted.  I hadn't been judged.  Of course there is still a lot of turmoil, and a lot further to go on this journey.  But I finally let someone past the walls.

On the other hand, I am having night terrors, flashbacks, and anxiety attacks.  After having gone through rehab, I've been drug free for roughly 6 months.  But now that the lid on this whole issue is cracked open... I'm once again really struggling with addiction cravings.  I don't want to mess up now, and go backwards.  But the events of the last week have been very overwhelming.  The interuptions in sleep, and the anxiety, etc are taking their toll on me.  I've been told that my subconscious is only doing what it needs to do.  After waking up screaming from violent night terrors, I was ranting about wanting them to stop.  But I was calmly told "Maybe you need to scream some more."  Which seems so ironic, because I don't want to scream.  I don't want to be loosing control like this.  But apparently, some part of my subconscious mind is giving permission for all of this to happen.  I've withdrawn so much because I don't want other people to think I'm losing my mind.  Heck, sometimes I think I'm losing my mind!!!  I can't pretend like I'm okay right now.

But I fiercely hold on to the hope that I will be okay.  It may take years.  But I am reconstructing who I am.  The construction process just looks more like a demolition site at the moment. 

I'm afraid.  I feel very alone.  I just want to be okay.  I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.  I just want to stop having to wear a mask so no one sees how broken I really am.  I don't want to slide back into addiction, but I am terrified that I'm not strong enough to keep that from happening.  Sometimes I just want to be numb again.  Sometimes I just don't care.  

But I do care.  More than anything I care.  I want to heal.

Thank you all so much for the support here.  You're my lifeline at the moment.  I happened upon PWP at just the right time...

I finally did it.  I wrote out my experience of rape. 

Once I got started, I HAD to keep going.  It was all quite fragmented, but the picture is painted.  I also allowed my counselor to read it.  That part was really difficult too.

But the whole experience, of seeing it written in black and white.... it's confusing.  There is a relief of finally having it "out".  But there is a new weight that seems to have settled down on my shoulders as well.  I feel like I have just entered a whole new, foreign territory.

I don't mean to be over-dramatic about a seemingly simple event.  But for whatever reason, it is throwing me for a loop at the moment.  I suddenly feel very shaky and uncertain with the whole idea of progressing.  I'm very anxious.

I guess I'm stating all of that here, in the hopes that someone might know what I'm talking about.  Because right now, I'm not sure I do.

This is titled "Reasons Not To Kill Yourself", and it is by Mari Collings.  She is/was a survivor of childhood molestation, and so she writes from that perspective.  But I think what she wrote applies to all of us - no matter how old we were when we were sexually abused.  This has helped me on days that I just didn't think I could keep going.  And I'm posting it here in the hope that it will help you in the same way, and maybe offer a ray of hope.  God knows we need those occasional rays of hope....

Because you deserve to live.

Because your life has value, whether or not you can see it.

Because it was not your fault.

Because you didn't choose to be battered and used.

Because live itself is precious, because they were and are wrong.

Because you are connected to each and every other sexual abuse survivor, and so your daily battle automatically gives others hope and strength.

Because you will feel better, eventually.

Because each time you confront despair you get stronger, and you can't know now what you will ultimately be able to do with this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win.

Because if you die today you will never again feel love for another human being, or trust, or gratitude; because you will never again see kindness and compassion in another's eyes.

Because if you die today you will never again see sunlight pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight, or feel the quality of the light in winter.

Because the seconds do not cease their passing, because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone, it has not, and you only have to endure.

Because you have already won... you have known the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far, and no one can take that away.

Because the will to live is not a cruel punishment, even if it feels like that at times:  It is a priceless gift.

Because your inner children need you, they have no one else and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than to anyone to be healed and comforted;  they are true heros against impossible odds.

Because you owe your inner children, they are the reason you are here.  If you give up today you will erase the meaning of their suffering and incredible endurance, and that is too great a loss.

Because you already have the skills to find your healing path;  you have proven this over and over again.

Because we need more warriors against this evil.

Because we need survivors to offer testament against this horror and despair.

Because no one knows better than you the meaning of suffering, and agony deepens the heart.

Because you deserve the peace that will come after this battle is won, and it will be won, but only minute by minute...  we must learn to let go of the unconquerable.

Because we can all come together in later years and laugh in their faces, because we will be able to show them that even though they had all the power and strength and ruthless cunning, even though we were only helpless, innocent, dependent children, we will have beaten them at the game they so smugly thought they had mastered.

Because I am furious that we have to suffer the pain of another's evil and filth.

Because you too will one day feel fury.

Because it is critical that you survive.

Since writing is one of my outlets, and one of my absolute favorite things, my counselor asked me if I would be willing to write out my "story of rape".  I can't seem to find the words to actually talk about it, so maybe writing would be the easiest way.  But I've been staring at a blank sheet of paper for 5 days now.

I keep telling myself "it shouldn't be such a big deal... just start writing."  But I can't do it.  There is some part of me that does not want to see the details in black and white.  Yet, I have to get this out of me somehow.  I want to write it.  I want to tell someone what happened.  I want to validate how I feel.  But I'm so very stuck! 

And being stuck is adding more frustration, and anger, and self-doubt, and.....

The Night isn't over yet.
Sometimes, it is brighter. The moon and stars shine through.
But there are times, like today, that I feel very alone.
It can seem so unfair that there is no one here to hold me when I cry.
So many tears lately.
I think the loneliness prolongs the process.

"You searched for love
When the night came
And it closed in....
You cry yourself to sleep
Because the hurt is real
And the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song
That calls you home."

I'm not who I was, when I took my first step on this journey.
So I put one foot in front of the other.
I will do the next right thing.
I celebrate the good moments even more.
And I am honest enough to acknowlege the bad ones.
The darkest night cannot last forever.
I have seen better days - and I know they will come again.
Dawn will break
And when it does, I will see more clearly.
But the Night isn't over yet.