This is titled "Reasons Not To Kill Yourself", and it is by Mari Collings. She is/was a survivor of childhood molestation, and so she writes from that perspective. But I think what she wrote applies to all of us - no matter how old we were when we were sexually abused. This has helped me on days that I just didn't think I could keep going. And I'm posting it here in the hope that it will help you in the same way, and maybe offer a ray of hope. God knows we need those occasional rays of hope....
Because you deserve to live.
Because your life has value, whether or not you can see it.
Because it was not your fault.
Because you didn't choose to be battered and used.
Because live itself is precious, because they were and are wrong.
Because you are connected to each and every other sexual abuse survivor, and so your daily battle automatically gives others hope and strength.
Because you will feel better, eventually.
Because each time you confront despair you get stronger, and you can't know now what you will ultimately be able to do with this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win.
Because if you die today you will never again feel love for another human being, or trust, or gratitude; because you will never again see kindness and compassion in another's eyes.
Because if you die today you will never again see sunlight pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight, or feel the quality of the light in winter.
Because the seconds do not cease their passing, because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone, it has not, and you only have to endure.
Because you have already won... you have known the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far, and no one can take that away.
Because the will to live is not a cruel punishment, even if it feels like that at times: It is a priceless gift.
Because your inner children need you, they have no one else and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than to anyone to be healed and comforted; they are true heros against impossible odds.
Because you owe your inner children, they are the reason you are here. If you give up today you will erase the meaning of their suffering and incredible endurance, and that is too great a loss.
Because you already have the skills to find your healing path; you have proven this over and over again.
Because we need more warriors against this evil.
Because we need survivors to offer testament against this horror and despair.
Because no one knows better than you the meaning of suffering, and agony deepens the heart.
Because you deserve the peace that will come after this battle is won, and it will be won, but only minute by minute... we must learn to let go of the unconquerable.
Because we can all come together in later years and laugh in their faces, because we will be able to show them that even though they had all the power and strength and ruthless cunning, even though we were only helpless, innocent, dependent children, we will have beaten them at the game they so smugly thought they had mastered.
Because I am furious that we have to suffer the pain of another's evil and filth.
Because you too will one day feel fury.
Because it is critical that you survive.