I have been trying to force myself to write my story down for some time now. When I left home I was asked to tell my story to the police in front of a camera for use in court. I have since read a small extract from the transcript and, at 26 years old, I realise how young I really was at the time. I didn't feel young. Descriptions of sexual acts from an 11 year old really are a shock to the system - even upon realisation that I really did live every minute of it.
I haven't described my story in detail since then. I have wanted for so long to get it out of my system but it is really hard to articulate those feelings and even in my head I only get so far before I lose it. I feel that it is time I did something. I think I've been waiting for a time when it would become easier somehow, but it won't! I like the times when I feel really good.... and during those times I can hide away and pretend that I'm OK. Pretend that I've already dealt with everything I need to deal with. But I keep coming back to this... this feeling of complete disorientation and I am so so so down. I remember things, some things more vividly than others. I just can't find the words to describe it even to myself.
This morning.... I had a mini conversation with myself.... and some stuff just came out! Please don't think that I am crazy for talking to myself.... but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one I can confide in without becoming a burden or dumping a massive ton of bricks on someone else. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people in my life know I was abused by my father. They just don't know the extent of it. When you say "I was sexually abused by my dad" it sounds shocking I imagine but it's not as real as when you know the details Part of my problem is that I don't want to hurt others with the ins and outs of my abuse. I want them to see that I am so much better off with them in my life. I don't want them to realise that sometimes I'm hanging on by a very very tight and fraying thread. So I can't find the time, the moment, to bring certain people into the light because I enjoy the moments I have with them too much to taint it with this dirty past of mine. Even if I did find the moment.... how would I even begin if I can barely even talk about it with myself?
For years now, I've been telling myself that I'm doing great. I'm a survivor and I've nothing to fear in the world. And I'm getting on with my life in every possible way. I can't hide all the time. It's taking its toll on me.... and I need to outlet somewhere.
(This was supposed to be me writing my story..... I guess I've failed again. Anyways....)