wow... i feel so empty. i dont feel the pain anymore :( i either want to feel the mental pain, or i dont want to remember him, but instead im stuck in the middle where he is just a distant memory and i dont feel anything. he really hurt me and i want to remember that and make myself feel angry, because otherwise, im like i am now, where i just dont feel anything, and i dont think that its right because it makes me think that ive forgiven him :'(  

nothing im doing is helping :'( its been a year and 8 months and im still not over it! why cant i just forget? its killing me, and i can only see the easy way out :'( 
 

 why do i feel like i need to be sad? im getting increasingly depressed about everything again. its been a year and 7 months since i was raped, and ive been doing so well.  i dont want all my hard work of getting back on track to be ruined by reoccuring memories, that i dont want to think about. i dont know what to do! :( nothing i do seems to be working! x 

my rapist is such a stranger to me... who is he? i barely remember him, and its about time too! ive waited and tried so hard to get here :) its astonishing to think that after the rape, i wanted to kill myself, as much as a family living in poverty want food. and horrible to think that i wouldnt be here if i hadnt of had the will power to stop when i did... 

to break my unhappiness, i changed my room around. i got a new bed, moved it around and filled my walls with photos of happy memories.... that helped towards me getting better. the last year and a half has felt like a recovery proccess, and it has really worked! happy music also really helped me :) 

i hope that some of you who are reading this and are struggling, will use some of my ideas, as a step forward on the road to recovery x

we are all in this together... we have experienced some of the most horrible things, and if i can come out of this dark pit, happy and well again than ANYONE can do it! self belief is the key..... x

Dan (my rapist/abuser),

here i write this poem for you,

good karma is on my side,

but yours will stay bleak and blue,

no matter how hard you try.

if it was legal in the UK,

i would have you dead.

that way you'd be gone,

and my thoughts of you would end.

how could you of been so horrible to me?

i didnt think you'd go away,

you forced me twice into your bed,

and threw back the duvet.

it took all my strength to get rid of you,

but thank god i finally did!

the next day you asked for me back,

but farewell to you i bid!

you thought you did but you didnt,

have enought strength to knock me down,

smiling uses 14,

but 42 muscles to frown...

well... i just saw a picture of my abuser/rapist.... and he was playing rugby and he looked so innnocent :( he looked like he'd never hurt a fly. but i know he has and thats what bothers me :( i know what he can do and what he is capable of... but i cant help but think about forgiving him. i vowed to never forgive this person who has hurt me in so many ways, but at the moment i want to forgive him so badly. i also want to talk to him and tell him i am sorry :'( i dont know what for though... im just sorry  

i think..... i forgive you.

as it snowed, my fear face showed.

as  i remember, he pushed me last december.

face first into the snow, i had nowhere else to go.

he laughed in my face. i  wanted him gone into deep space.

i ran home to warm my frozen hands. that wasnt part of any of my plans.

i was stuck in this world with him. i felt like i was drowning and had forgotten how to swim.

i told him to leave me alone, but he violently pulled me and shouted at me not to moan.

i never imagined to be with anyone like dan, if i had known i would of ran and ran...

when i was with you,

we were like glue.

when you hurt me,

you wouldnt let me free.

when i managed to say goodbye,

you made me feel quilty... why... tell me why. 

when i asked you to stop you didnt listen,

when i looked into your eyes they glistened.

i just couldnt think of you as a bad person,

but your behaviour just worsened.

sometimes i thought i was making it up in my head,

but i knew i wasnt when blood had been shed.

i said 'stop doing this. let me free!',

he held me closer and said ' your safe with me'.

i knew he had been telling me a lie that day,

when he hurt me again, i knew it wasn't okay.

i kept my mouth shut after all of that,

until i broke down crying, and mum wanted a chat.

this is when i realized that maybe i should of spoke out,

i didnt do it. i thought people would scream and shout.

i thought they would tell me that i was lying,

when deep down i knew i was right, and couldnt help crying.

ive lost sleep over you, ive hurt myself because of you, ive cryed and cryed because of you, ive considered some crazy things because of you, i have attempted some crazy things because of you, i have thought and thought about you, in my mind i have defended you, i kept quiet because of you, in real life i have gone against you, i have felt sorry for you, i put up with you, ive hated you, i have accused you, i accepted your horrible behaviour, i made excuses for you, i died inside because of you...

BUT

ive become a better person because of you, ive become aware because of you, i have become a stronger person because of you, ive have experienced things because of you, i realized how innocent i was because of you, i realized how weak i was because of you, i realized i have a voice because of you, ive realized to stay away from people like you, i realized my rights were abused because of you, i realized how important it was to say to someone; enough is enough. i dont want to have to fight this on my own anymore... because of you. ive learned to hate you, i have learned to ignore you, i have learned to shut you out, ive had to tell myself that you were hurting me on the outside, not just on the inside, i learned to change my behaviour and most importantly... i have had to learn NOT to forgive you.  

Daniel

Dan... i'm tired of you.

being embedded in my mind.

i am sick and tired of this!

i just want to breakdown and cry.

Please... go away and leave me alone!

you dont deserve to be here.

not after what you've done.

you are my biggest nightmare.

Go... leave this planet!

i dont want you anywhere near me.

take your power and control with you.

i dont even want to hear you breathe.

This... this is it.

im trying to live for myself.

i dont want you destroying it.

stop trying to creep into my mind by stealth.

Is... is it time to say goodbye?

to a boy i truely hate.

or do i keep him bottled inside,

and think about him everyday.

Torture... ive experienced enough of that.

it was killing me inside.

i could never describe the pain.

i never had anyone to stand beside.

Dan... please go... this is torture. i dont know how to feel about you anymore. i want to hate you to the point where i want you dead... but one part of me wants to forgive you... i know i cant do that... that would be giving into you and you dont deserve it... you didnt give in to yourself or me when i was telling you no to sex. you just did what you wanted and on just two occasions; it has changed my life forever... i cant even walk into my own town without thinking that some random stranger is going to hurt me...

i just keep fighting with my heart each day, hoping that one day i will find some common sense and wish you out of my life completely... you just wont leave my mind though will you :'(

I HATE HIM  soooo much... but i feel quite happy at the moment... im really confused! i really really really want to be happy (which i am) but i cant help but feel as if i should be sad and depressed like i was a few months ago :( and no matter how much i say to myself that life hasnt been better and being happy like this is amazing; i just cant bring myself to forget. forget the past... forget the pain.... forget the torture and suffering this boy put me through. i just feel like i have to carry on suffering :( i cant understand why :'( this is the only thing in my life at the moment that is bugging me :( x 

i've felt depressed for a while now,

having sleepless nights again,

i dont want this to go on any longer,

i just want this to end....

somedays i feel i was stupid,

for trying to take my own life,

but other days i would welcome the idea,

and think about getting a knife...

i know i have thouht about suicide,

i even attemped it once,

but sometimes i feel lifes not worth living,

and that i'd be much happier up in the heavens...

i feel i may become an insomniac,

if i keep on not sleeping,

i find that i spend most of my time awake,

thinking sad thoughts and weeping...

however much rubbish this seems to you,

it makes perfect sense to me.

and although life doesnt always run smooth,

we are the makers of our own destiny x x x

i wrote this back in August when i was feeling very very depressed... but im getting better now :)  

do you ever find yourself feeling soooo emotionally drained, that you just want to shut the whole world out... even when your finding life fairly easy? maybe its just the stresses of school? hummmmmmmm.....????

i dont feel much anymore.

he has nearly been erased from memory.

i hope the next time i see him will be in a cemetery.

i would sit and laugh...

thanking god and telling him,

that my rapist finally got what he deserved...

with only the memory of the police, and my piercing screaming.

preserved.

one year ago i never thought i would be pressurised into having sex or raped twice by the person who i thought 'was going to love me'.... by someone who looked as innocent as him... i never thought i would be violently hit, threatened, bitten, spat at, pushed, tripped or slapped.

it shouldnt of happened when i was so young... 14 years old... it should NEVER of happened. no one should have to suffer what i have been through. it destroys a huge chunk of your life, takes away the feeling of security and beautifulness... your virginity... something i will never get back. something i have unrightfully and unwillingly lost. while he gains power and control.. i have gained bruises, bite marks, fear, a feeling of dirtyness and powerlessness...

And then when you've found that courage to get rid of the one fear of your life.. he still haunts you.

in your dreams, when your at school or when your at home.. wherever you are; the thought of him will make you feel scared, cold and powerless again. you tell no one. they will think you are lying, going mad... so you just keep it all in... not a good thing.

at night you find it hard to sleep, and during the day you cry. no one has a clue why. you tell them your fine, and start making excuses... "too much stress at school" you say...

nothing could take the pain away. he was in custody for 5 hours... but i bet he sits at home everyday, just thinking he got away with all that he had done. he will never understand how i feel or how i felt at the time. besides.. he didnt care did he... if he did, he wouldnt of hurt me like he did. the physical pain i felt on some of the days he hit me and bit me etc... are mind numbing. i was being domestically abused .. beaten by my own ex - boyfriend...

he is basically a walk - away criminal :(