wow... i feel so empty. i dont feel the pain anymore :( i either want to feel the mental pain, or i dont want to remember him, but instead im stuck in the middle where he is just a distant memory and i dont feel anything. he really hurt me and i want to remember that and make myself feel angry, because otherwise, im like i am now, where i just dont feel anything, and i dont think that its right because it makes me think that ive forgiven him :'(  

Dan (my rapist/abuser),

here i write this poem for you,

good karma is on my side,

but yours will stay bleak and blue,

no matter how hard you try.

if it was legal in the UK,

i would have you dead.

that way you'd be gone,

and my thoughts of you would end.

how could you of been so horrible to me?

i didnt think you'd go away,

you forced me twice into your bed,

and threw back the duvet.

it took all my strength to get rid of you,

but thank god i finally did!

the next day you asked for me back,

but farewell to you i bid!

you thought you did but you didnt,

have enought strength to knock me down,

smiling uses 14,

but 42 muscles to frown...

as it snowed, my fear face showed.

as  i remember, he pushed me last december.

face first into the snow, i had nowhere else to go.

he laughed in my face. i  wanted him gone into deep space.

i ran home to warm my frozen hands. that wasnt part of any of my plans.

i was stuck in this world with him. i felt like i was drowning and had forgotten how to swim.

i told him to leave me alone, but he violently pulled me and shouted at me not to moan.

i never imagined to be with anyone like dan, if i had known i would of ran and ran...

when i was with you,

we were like glue.

when you hurt me,

you wouldnt let me free.

when i managed to say goodbye,

you made me feel quilty... why... tell me why. 

when i asked you to stop you didnt listen,

when i looked into your eyes they glistened.

i just couldnt think of you as a bad person,

but your behaviour just worsened.

sometimes i thought i was making it up in my head,

but i knew i wasnt when blood had been shed.

i said 'stop doing this. let me free!',

he held me closer and said ' your safe with me'.

i knew he had been telling me a lie that day,

when he hurt me again, i knew it wasn't okay.

i kept my mouth shut after all of that,

until i broke down crying, and mum wanted a chat.

this is when i realized that maybe i should of spoke out,

i didnt do it. i thought people would scream and shout.

i thought they would tell me that i was lying,

when deep down i knew i was right, and couldnt help crying.

I HATE HIM  soooo much... but i feel quite happy at the moment... im really confused! i really really really want to be happy (which i am) but i cant help but feel as if i should be sad and depressed like i was a few months ago :( and no matter how much i say to myself that life hasnt been better and being happy like this is amazing; i just cant bring myself to forget. forget the past... forget the pain.... forget the torture and suffering this boy put me through. i just feel like i have to carry on suffering :( i cant understand why :'( this is the only thing in my life at the moment that is bugging me :( x 

i've felt depressed for a while now,

having sleepless nights again,

i dont want this to go on any longer,

i just want this to end....

somedays i feel i was stupid,

for trying to take my own life,

but other days i would welcome the idea,

and think about getting a knife...

i know i have thouht about suicide,

i even attemped it once,

but sometimes i feel lifes not worth living,

and that i'd be much happier up in the heavens...

i feel i may become an insomniac,

if i keep on not sleeping,

i find that i spend most of my time awake,

thinking sad thoughts and weeping...

however much rubbish this seems to you,

it makes perfect sense to me.

and although life doesnt always run smooth,

we are the makers of our own destiny x x x

i wrote this back in August when i was feeling very very depressed... but im getting better now :)  

do you ever find yourself feeling soooo emotionally drained, that you just want to shut the whole world out... even when your finding life fairly easy? maybe its just the stresses of school? hummmmmmmm.....????

i dont feel much anymore.

he has nearly been erased from memory.

i hope the next time i see him will be in a cemetery.

i would sit and laugh...

thanking god and telling him,

that my rapist finally got what he deserved...

with only the memory of the police, and my piercing screaming.

preserved.

one year ago i never thought i would be pressurised into having sex or raped twice by the person who i thought 'was going to love me'.... by someone who looked as innocent as him... i never thought i would be violently hit, threatened, bitten, spat at, pushed, tripped or slapped.

it shouldnt of happened when i was so young... 14 years old... it should NEVER of happened. no one should have to suffer what i have been through. it destroys a huge chunk of your life, takes away the feeling of security and beautifulness... your virginity... something i will never get back. something i have unrightfully and unwillingly lost. while he gains power and control.. i have gained bruises, bite marks, fear, a feeling of dirtyness and powerlessness...

And then when you've found that courage to get rid of the one fear of your life.. he still haunts you.

in your dreams, when your at school or when your at home.. wherever you are; the thought of him will make you feel scared, cold and powerless again. you tell no one. they will think you are lying, going mad... so you just keep it all in... not a good thing.

at night you find it hard to sleep, and during the day you cry. no one has a clue why. you tell them your fine, and start making excuses... "too much stress at school" you say...

nothing could take the pain away. he was in custody for 5 hours... but i bet he sits at home everyday, just thinking he got away with all that he had done. he will never understand how i feel or how i felt at the time. besides.. he didnt care did he... if he did, he wouldnt of hurt me like he did. the physical pain i felt on some of the days he hit me and bit me etc... are mind numbing. i was being domestically abused .. beaten by my own ex - boyfriend...

he is basically a walk - away criminal :(