I'm not sure what is going on for me today.  I havebeen doing brilliantly at looking after myself and embracing life and the today I feel like I've fallen all the way back down the hill.  How can I go from feeling so happy and in control to so despondent and out of control?  Where did my motivation go?

Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks!!!!!!!!

Bloody Hell feeling so fucking rubbish and I know it's good for me to grieve not having decent parents who i could ever rely on, ever feel safe or supported with, ever turn to in a crisis... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not fair and I hate that I can NEVER have that EVER because it's a need that wasn't met when it should have been and now I'm an adult I can't have it from anyone because that is just trying to recreate something which is just destructive to me and my relationships.  I DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Know its about healing and that I have to accept I didn't have it and let go and start looking after myself but IT'S SO HARD!! I am so resistant to giving up the fight and desire for parental nurturing but I know it's what I need to do if I want to recover.  I feel really trapped and stuck with it and I kind of know the only way forward is to feel the pain and stop resisting but it just feels too painful.

Where were you when I needed you?

Where were you when I cried?

Where were you when he came at night?

Where were you when he died?

I know you didn't have a clue

but that is no excuse

I needed you, you failed me

and I suffered abuse

And;

Where were you as I cut myself;

Despite the fact you saw?

You've never been a mum

You have a talent to ignore.

So neither of you met my needs

malicious and benign

both were abuse, both wounded me

and I'm NOT FUCKING FINE

I'm grieving for my childhood

It's pain I've never known

but I'm waiting for the day

when I can finally have grown

I was feeling really down today and not entirely knowing why so I decided to write to my inner child.  I had written to my 5 year old last week and it was really good, she spoke to me loads and I discovered things about my abuse that she has been hiding for over 30 years.

This time I could tell it was my teenager in unrest so I wrote to her instead.  She is so confused and feeling abandoned and rejected so it took a couple of letters before she opened up to me but amazingly she really inspired me and made me feel much more purposefull and motivated to live my life rather than watch it pass me by as I am inclined to do.

I have only recently begun communicating with my inner child(ren) and it is really amazingly empowering to finally listen to what has been locked away inside.  It is giving me more understanding of myself and the way I behave and also helping to lessen the impact of the inner self on my outward behaviour. 

I was feeling really needy but am aware, from past experience and therapy, that I cannot push these needs onto those around me and in particular my partner.  This leaves me feeling lost and alone and tearful.  Talking with my inner chid today enabled me to meet some of that need for myself so I lessened the negative feelings I was experiencing and felt listened to and understood instead.

My teenager is actually quite cool. She has a real zest for life if I just take the time to listen to her more often I am sure she will misbehave less and inspire and motivate me more.  She just needs parenting and boundaries and to know she is safe and loved.  It's down to me to provide that for her.

I've been really struggling and tearful today.  I think I am not giving my inner child(ren) what she/they need but finding it really difficult to motivate myself to listen.  I am feeling neglected and abandoned I think because I am feeling very needy like I really want someone to look after me yet I know I am the only one who can do that for myself.  I know the little girl can never get the love and support she needs from our mother.  She couldn't give it in the past and she is no more capable of giving it now.  I am just really struggling to accept that despite the intellectual clarity.

I feel really resentful of having to look after myself, having to be the adult and I know that not wanting all those responsibilities is immature but it is really difficult to get over it.  I need space onmy own but equally I find it hard to be alone - I don't know what to do with myself when others aren't around and end up just procrastinating and wasting time until I am around people again.  Then I regret having wasted an opportunity to do my own thing.

But what is my own thing? I feel like I have spent somuch of my life following other people and blending in that I either don't know what I want or feel too exposed/vulnerable to do it.

I feel particularly frustrated at the moment because I have injured my back and can't do much, though I am being rubbish at looking after myself and resting because I feel like I must be putting it on on some way, berating myself for the pain and trying to push  myself,not believing that I am really in agony  How can I be so down on myself - it's no wonder really that I am feeling like crap when I am blaming myself for being in pain.  I keep giving myself the message that I am attention seeking and not taking myself seriously.  I am going back to the doctors tomorrow to get more painkillers and to chase up a referral to the physiotherapist but I feel like I am conning work by getting signed off!

How can I stop treating myself this way? Why am I punishing myself? Blaming myself? Where has my compassion for myself gone? How can I change my thoughts about my inner child(ren)? Part of me is still blaming her somehow.  I need to talk to that part because I think she disturbs my thought patterns and mood most.  She is my teenager I think and is clearly very angry with me and my 5 year old self.

Why is this all so hard? Why does it take so long? I just want to scream; I want to curl up in a ball and disappear; I want to be free; I want to be able to live; I want to die; no I don't, I have too much to live for, but accessing that inspired part is just impossible today.

May tomorrow bring me answers

Why do therapists have to be so irritating!

I had a therapy session today and was discussing how i find it really difficult to be passionate about things or motivate myself to do the things I really want to do.  What I really wanted to do was explore this. I know it is because i feel too exposed and vulnerable to let people see who i really am but  my therapists response was "well you've told me, that's a first step"!!  I don't pay for bloody comments like that!  It infuriates me that when I really need someone (my therapist) to challenge me and helpme explore issues she acts like a friend trying to be helpful but not getting it!

This isn't the first time she has let me down like this, she spent one session trying to give me advise and make suggestions about how to avoid my mother at a family gathering instead of exploring with me the feelings that made me want to avoid her.  The worst was when I was telling her about something I found to be really abusive and she kept asking me if I was sure ithad happened!

Now I know therapists aen't perfect but I am seriously considering whether or not this is the therapist for me.  I've been seeing her just short of a year now and so the thought of starting again with someone else is quite unsettling but I'm not sure she's the one to help me get to where I need to be.  Sometimes she irritates me and I know deep down it's because what she is saying is right and I don't want to hear it but at times like today it just feels unhelpful and leaves me feeling an opportunity has been wasted.

should I look into therapists elsewhere?  I have an offer of a free consultation with someone to hear what I need and make a reccommendation of a local therapist so I am tempted to take up the offer.  I think I also need to write down what, at this point in time, I consider the issues I still need to work on to be.  Maybe that would be a good start and then I can discuss them with my current therapist as well as discussing my dissatisfaction when she closes down discussions by making what she considers to be helpful and supportive statements.

Hmmm I see a plan forming

I want to write something about myself but not go into too much detail so here's my story in brief:

My father was a vicar for the church of england.  He was the priest for 2 or 3 small village parishes and so my sister and I were very well known by all the locals.  My father started sexually abusing me when i was 5 years old.  It continued until i was 11 when my father began getting ill.  He died when I was 13 of lung cancer.  I never had the chance to confront him about what happened and I feel robbed of the opportunity for justice.  My mother was very niave and had no idea the abuse was occuring when my father was alive and was ill equipped to help 2 teenage daughters with his death.  I feel asbetrayed by her as I do by him.

Fortunately I have been very lucky to be in touch with brilliant and supportive friends,had some amazing therapists and am now, I feel, on the final part of my journey to freedom.  I still have a lot of work to do but I am determined to be free from my past and not let it hold me back and damage my current relationships anymore.  I am no longer ashamed to say I am a survivor.  I know it wasn't my fault and I refuse to let my fathers lies rule my life.  I now recognise I was the innocent child, and I embrace that child, hold her close to me and give her the nurturing and comfort she didn't get.