Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks!!!!!!!!
Bloody Hell feeling so fucking rubbish and I know it's good for me to grieve not having decent parents who i could ever rely on, ever feel safe or supported with, ever turn to in a crisis... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not fair and I hate that I can NEVER have that EVER because it's a need that wasn't met when it should have been and now I'm an adult I can't have it from anyone because that is just trying to recreate something which is just destructive to me and my relationships. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Know its about healing and that I have to accept I didn't have it and let go and start looking after myself but IT'S SO HARD!! I am so resistant to giving up the fight and desire for parental nurturing but I know it's what I need to do if I want to recover. I feel really trapped and stuck with it and I kind of know the only way forward is to feel the pain and stop resisting but it just feels too painful.
Where were you when I needed you?
Where were you when I cried?
Where were you when he came at night?
Where were you when he died?
I know you didn't have a clue
but that is no excuse
I needed you, you failed me
and I suffered abuse
Where were you as I cut myself;
Despite the fact you saw?
You've never been a mum
You have a talent to ignore.
So neither of you met my needs
malicious and benign
both were abuse, both wounded me
and I'm NOT FUCKING FINE
I'm grieving for my childhood
It's pain I've never known
but I'm waiting for the day
when I can finally have grown