As some of you may know, I don't really have anyone who I can talk to on the outside world about these things, so from time to time I write an entry when I reach the point where I can't keep everything inside any longer. Please don't feel obliged to read this just because I've posted it, I just need to get this out of my system and I'm hoping that this will help.
I've been feeling uneasy for about a week or so now; I haven't quite been able to put my finger on what's wrong, but I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen. I had been picking fights with people and generally being irritable (including with people here, for which I'm truly sorry). I wrote an entry recently about how I was worried because "he" had found out where I live and, well, this kind of follows on from that...
Earlier in the week we had quite a stormy night. It was hailing and raining on and off throughout the evening and at about 10.30pm I was on the phone to my sister and I heard my car alarm go off. I figured it must have been the wind, however it went off about 7 or 8 more times over the next couple of hours. I thought it was odd that it was only my alarm that was sounding, and it wasn't that windy really, plus my car was parked between two bigger vehicles so I wouldn't have thought that the wind could have rocked my car enough to set it off, especially not that many times...
I logged on here and started talking to someone about how I was afraid that he might be out there, trying to get my attention. A couple of my (male) neighbours went out to see what the racket was but didn't see anything suspicious so they just went back in and ignored it. I was really beginning to work myself up into a state, and that's when I start thinking recklessly. I knew I shouldn't go outside, just in case it was him, so it was my fault. Totally my fault. I was trying to prove to myself that I was just working myself up about nothing and that I couldn't let him make me terrified of everything.
The worrying part, for me, is that I also had this little voice telling me that he was going to get me anyway, one way or the other, so why not get it over and done with now? At least I could go out there prepared for a fight, rather than letting him catch me unawares another time, and always looking over my shoulder just in case. I also had this overwhelming feeling that I deserved it. Since the first time he... you know... 7 1/2 years ago, I have been used and treated badly by men, and I believed (and still do) that maybe that's what I'm here for. Maybe by me going through this over and over again, it saves a number of other girls from each going through it once. Or maybe I'm just such a bad person that I deserve it. I know this might sound strange to other people, and I am worried that I got myself into such a state that I listened to and believed that voice. But when I get worked up I convince myself that the most awful things that cross my mind are true and I make reckless decisions. I don't deserve to be alive right now.
I feel broken, so much more broken than before. I didn't think that he could hurt me any more than he already had. I feel lonely because I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this. Some of my friends are coming home for Easter weekend and I had been really looking forward to seeing them (we haven't seen each other since Christmas), but now I couldn't bear to see anyone, to talk to anyone. And I wouldn't want them to see me like this. All I want is a cuddle from someone, anyone, but the thought of being that close to someone physically, repulses me right now. I'm finding it hard to reconcile all of this in my head.
The only thing that is clear to me is that I caused this and I deserved it, so please don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve your sympathy. I am a bad person.