Hi everyone,

I just wanted to start by saying I'm sorry I haven't been online much for the last couple of weeks and especially to a couple of you who I'd been talking to regularly because I feel like I've been neglecting you!  You know who you are :-)

This is always a difficult time of year for me because I was attacked repeatedly throughout July/August/September of 2002.  The last time I was raped was seven years ago today.  I'm sure a lot of you will understand and empathise with the mixed feelings I have around each anniversary and I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling right now, which I find really frustrating because I like to be able to put words to everything!

I'm trying to focus on the good things; instead of this being the anniversary of my rape I'm re-labelling it the anniversary of my beautiful son being conceived.  I'm concentrating on all the things I've achieved since then that I didn't think I could ever manage again.  About 4 years ago as part of my "home-made" therapy I made three lists of places/people/situations - like my own personal risk assessment of everything.  They were grouped into things I could deal with on a day to day basis (getting up, having a shower, eating breakfast, the simple things), things I could sometimes do, depending on the day (going for lunch with friends, taking my son to the park, going shopping) and things I thought I'd never be able to do again (being alone in a room with a man, going to places I knew he was likely to be).  I risk assessed every person in my life and any new people started with a zero (no trust at all) and worked upwards until I felt comfortable to have a conversation with them, be alone with them etc.  I guess it's a kind of control thing; because the control was taken away from me when I was attacked I need to be able to control my surroundings to avoid being attacked again.  I revised my list tonight and was really proud to see that some things have moved down without me really noticing.  I can now go for lunch with my friends without panicking, I can go to the supermarket on my own, I can even go out drinking with my friends from time to time!  But only with at least one who knows, just in case.

I just get frustrated at how much control he still has over my life and I desperately want to reclaim it as my own.  I am NOT his puppet.  I want to be able to trust a man enough to have a relationship with him.  I want to be able to have meetings at work where I don't worry about whether I'll be the only woman in the room.  I want to be able to go to a pub and not have to scan the room for him first and then face the door the whole time to make sure that he doesn't walk in while I'm there.   I want to be able to let repair men into my home without fearing for my safety.  I want to be able to talk to people without wondering whether they know, and whether they're judging me.  I have a long way to go but I take comfort from how far I've come.  I look forward to (hopefully) making more progress in the coming year.

I'm sorry for waffling, I just needed to get this out of my system and I do feel a bit better now.  Thanks for listening and I hope you're all well!

Lynsey

I know that there must be a lot of people here who find Father's Day difficult so I feel a little guilty about bringing it up but I don't know who else I can talk to about this!

I was at my Dad's today, we were all having a lovely lunch and playing in the garden in the afternoon... me, my son (who's almost 6), my little sister and her boyfriend.  Completely out of the blue, my little boy asks "can we go and see my father now?" and everyone just stares at me, not knowing what to say.  My son was conceived during my rape, and has never questioned why he doesn't have a daddy, he's always just accepted that it's just me and him.  I never told my sister what happened because I felt like I was supposed to be invincible to her; able to set a good example, give good advice and protect her from anything.  I guess she just assumed that I'd had a one-night stand and been careless.  My family has always supported me with my son, but my Dad said (not thinking before speaking) that he wishes I hadn't gone ahead with the pregnancy because having a baby ruined my life!!

I'm so confused right now, I guess my generic answer of "some people aren't lucky enough to have daddies" isn't quite enough any more, but how the heck do I explain any of this to a 6 year old?  I've recently been getting the usual innocent questions, like "how do babies get into mummies' tummies?" etc. and it's now moved on to "so how did I get into your tummy if I don't have a daddy?"... AAARGH, I could just SCREAM!!!

I'm so frustrated with myself because I've had 6 years to think of what I'm going to say to him... I knew this day would come eventually but now that it has come my mind has gone completely blank.  I wish I could just employ someone to tell me what to say!!!  I've asked every therapist I've seen and they've all given me non-committal "tell him whatever you're comfortable with" answers.

I love him so much and I just want to be a good mum and protect him from the truth without completely lying to him.

Can anyone help?

Hi everyone,

A lot of you will have heard about the new self-harm group that Violet has set up and about the project to make a book containing entries by members of this community.  I know that not a lot of submissions have been made yet but I decided to write something tonight to kick-start the project, and I hope that my entry might inspire some of you to have a go at writing something too!  At this point I would point out that I haven't written poetry since I left school so apologies if this is a shambles (!) and here's to hoping that you will all do better ;-)

Lynsey

Self Harm: Time to Heal