l have been writing my thoughts for 18 years onmy son Phillip because he is what made believe that they is hope at the end of the tunnel,and yet the world remain the same way l am not a perfect mother but Phillip been 21 year old and my first born l am so confuse about him that at time l wish l could talk to someone about phillip and that when l say l am leaving to have an operation the first words are l really truely hope you die l have been so hurt but did't let  him see me cry, a little back ground in 2001 l had breast cancer and been down hill ever since and  last nov 2009 25th the took my whole underarmpit out anf l have been having a lot of problems and the pain is so much l wish some could give me some thing to sleep for my to heal but instead the insurance company just told me that l can get my operation amy place in the usa so l decide to go to Illinois since my father is an retirer doctor and he could talk to my doctors so l can get good care Now this what l need help and l am so confuse  my son bout 4 weeks ago was living with us and then moved in a women house which was muy phillips friends then he thrown out and now back there.well l was told on Friday after my doctor new that he can't never talk,call or if he sees me he has to walk the other way or he will be knocked out, l did call the l;ady that has my son and just plan told her his my son and you will never have the relationsip that l have with your son because l showed a lot of love and with him being so abuse and put in an coma my son will never for get that amoung other visitors he had when he as in coma but l will anyway on Friday the doctor told me that the cancer is back on it between my unpitted underarm and left breast its a the size of a plum it doesn't hurt but it is noticest and you can feel it l rather not get treatment because l get sick, and who will watch sabrina do not say my husband l will laugh l really do not know what to do l am so tirer that l do not get anyrest and my day,weeks, months and years are one big cloud and it won't slow down, nowl donot have a son because of the is women then l have my  husband that do not care about nobody but himself and my baby sabrina l just do  not know what l can say that she is going down the bad path in which what she sees from her brother and dad l need answers in what to do with the operation but l am so tirer of this cancer and l never get a break woith my illness thank you and love and peace to all