Posted: 11/16/2012 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Ok so today i'm sitting at my house thinking to myself. Is the chaos in my life ever going to end? Am I ever going to be able to find a healthy man that isn't messed up and wont' bring me down with him?  My husband is a beautiful man...now he has to stay sober :(  The IRONY is ....

I get a beautiful son...my only son and he was born early and sick

I get three beautiful daughters...my body get sick afterwards

I get money...than a huge bill comes in

I get a house.....now i have to split it with the guy who trampled my finances and stole from me

Ok so the irony here is that everytime something good comes ...something shitty has to go along with it....the other irony is ...that while i'm typing this and feeling sorry for myself ...I can't help but notice all the wonderful things God has blessed me with and how he has taken care of me. That i have these things because of God and that he supplies my needs. TOO IRONIC!! I wrote this to complain and I can't help but be thankful.

Boy God has a sense of humour!! ARGH

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 9/29/2012 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

February 23rd, 2013 is going to be the date that my abuser, and my children's abuser has been completely out of our lives for a full year!!  I'm celebrating this day and feeling kinda sick about it too. It is like this....if you have been stalked, raped, harassed in court and out of court, lied to and constantly running from someone...than VOILA it ends suddenly...This is a sickening feeling like the calm before the storm. I keep asking myself when am I going to get served so he can see and sexually assault his son again? When am I going to hear from my lawyer saying he wants his visits? When is he going to show up at my door and just blow my head off because he has finally snapped like I have been saying he would. ARGH! sometimes it is just easier when you know where the enemy is right? When you can see what he is doing and thinking than to wait in darkness for his attack. 

I am trained as a counselor and yet I still can't wrap my head around this mess. AM I FREE FINALLY? or should I wait and see what happens. I have a normal feeling here after 17 years of abuse from this person it is hard to believe it is finally over.  Please pray it's over ?? This is an agonizing wait...I would like to move from this house so I can sleep at night. I'd like to move where he can't find us. I would like to change our names and start a new life free from his shadow.

What do you all think? Any suggestions?

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 7/23/2012 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

WARNING CUSS WORDS

I want to tell you what has been going on personally...I am hurting today because I've been triggered and in the past few days have almost become obsessed with making sure that no abuser gets away with what they have done to a child. Recently I went to our local pow wow and it's a small and caring community of Native people. I ran into a woman that my children and I have seen and talked to before. We hung out with her most of the day. She sat with my children and talked to them ...heck she even held our youngest baby. I trusted that I was safe in my own community... we took pictures of our daughter's first pow wow dance ..my grandmother who is eighty, my mother, my sister, my husband and his mother were all there. We stood together with this woman and took pictures of the entire group. We were just thrilled and it was such a special day that we looked forward to for two years...our baby girl's first pow wow dance.  Low and behold just the other day a lady I know who works at our local community centre messaged me a warning and told me her name. I googled this woman and THERE SHE WAS!! The woman who was talking to and holding our babies was a pedophile!! YES A FUCKING PEDOPHILE!! Why do I have to attract these fucking people!! Now whenever I look at those pictures it will forever be tainted with this bitches face!! I fucking hate her for taking that moment from us! She knew her conditions were not to talk to a minor what so ever. I have reported it but the police in our community normally do nothing. It turns out that this woman was obsessed with a child rapist/killer that our community will never forget because his murders were so horrific.  It also turns out she is dating a man in the Federal Pennitentiary and he gets out in less than two weeks. She will be going to see him....hmmm wonder what they will be doing together...?? ARGH! My stomache is ready to vomit...she had three boys which she lost to Child Protective Services thank GOD for small miracles. I can't seem to get my mind off this lady...It is like a fricken obsession and I think it is because I was left so vulnerable to her and didn't even know my children were being held by a child rapist! FUCK!! I hate just the thought of this....ok so this has triggered the fuck out of me and this is where the prison of your mind and emotions comes into play...

A member asked today about why she kept allowing her abuser to continue the abuse even when she knew it was wrong. I will say that I think our minds and emotions can stay a child or revert back to being the age we were abused at. So I was abused in my childhood but also in my twenties. I feel that I'm somewhere in the middle, maybe a youth in my reactions to triggers. I think maybe a pre-teen 12 years old or so. My triggers can be something as big as what happened above or something as small as a look, sound, voice or smell.  I "allowed" my abuser to continue the abuse for almost 10 years. Does this say I wanted it? Of course not!! I was paralyzed by the prison of my mind and emotions. It was almost impossible for me to make sense of what was happening to me until I was safely away from my abuser and received the proper counselling. This took several years to accept...THE ABUSE WAS NOT MY FAULT!! I didn't deserve to be raped...I was sexually assaulted for years and after a while you just stop fighting...than after that you may start to feel sorry for your abuser...this is okay and normal because it is our way of coping with the horror of repeated sexual assaults. You coped with what you knew how...Every once in a while I feel stuck in that prison....like that last few days when my mind won't let me forget this woman. It is like my mind is a prisoner to the re-victimization I went through until I can somehow feel I've done everything to ensure all of my community is safe. It is not my responsibility to protect everyones child but at least I should have fucking protected MINE! I am so mad at myself for trusting anyone.....this is how I am feeling today...I know I will work this through ...I just hate that I have to cope with the prison I thought I left again!

Love to you all and Blessings!

Mandee

 

 

Posted: 7/5/2012 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hey Everyone!! I got a call from the strangers who work at the Supervised Access Centre and GUESS WHAT!! It's DONE!! They are not going to be supervising the access between my son and his abuser...THIS IS AWESOME!!

No more options for access means no more access....before I celebrate I have one more hurdle to cross and we may be on our way to permanent recovery...no more ripping open old wounds of abuse etc etc....I have to convince the judge in the family courts to agree with all the professionals and stop access between my son and our abuser....I will keep you posted but for now THIS IS A HUGE VICTORY!! The strangers agree that this man should not be around children ...including at the access centre...YAHHHOOOO!!

Thanks for all your support

Blessings, Mandee

 

Posted: 6/27/2012 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

HI there friends,

So we went to the Supervised access centre that was recommended by the CPS (Child Protective Services) and dropped off the paper information that we had to help the manager there decide whether she wants to supervise access between my son and his abuser. What really sucks is that we have to leave this decision in the hands of someone who hasn't even MET US!! YUP now we wait two weeks on average for a decision by the access centre. We are hoping the manager reads the assessment and the CPS letters verifying that the abuser sexually assaulted a twelve year old girl and that he is a moderate risk of re-offending and makes a logical decision to protect the children and women at her centre. If she doesn't than I will be making a HUGE stink.  I am hoping that she will make a decision which reflects their policy and that this is only a formality. Realistically there policy states that if the parent has a conviction they cannot supervise. He does have a conviction of possession of child pornography so I'm hoping that is enough.

If you are all wondering the significance of this decision....well after almost five years of courts, child protective services and bullshit game faces I've finally come to the point in protecting my children totally from our abuser in the future. If the access centre refuses to supervise and the child protective services won't supervise and the abuser needs supervision around children than we WON....the courts can't order supervision if no one will supervise. The courts can't order that he be allowed to see his son unsupervised if he is considered a serious risk to children. SO YOU GOT IT!! It will be OVER !!

BUT

If the access centre decides to write him a letter saying they will supervise than the abuser can bring it to court and use it to stay in our lives another two years ...do his sex offender course /  counselling and go back to court...get unsupervised access for being a GOOD BOY and than this mess starts all over again!! 

So this will make or break my case in court....could be the best or worst thing for us!!

Just so you know ladies and gents...this bitch won't co-operate anymore!! I will not be sending him on access no matter what anyone says.  It is OVER regardless and if I have to go to jail for it than so be it....I have enough evidence here that I'm sure my local politicians will have something to say about sending me to jail...

At least I hope it never gets to that point....

Love you all for your support!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 6/26/2012 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Ok so tomorrow I am going to try to convince total strangers why they should not consider supervising access between my son and his abuser....argh!! The same man raped my daughter...WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO RELY ON OTHERS WHO DONT EVEN KNOW US to make decisions about the future of my children. How about this...FUCK YOU! I am his mother and I have been right all along...I have been protecting him to the best of my ability and did well at it until total strangers in the courts, CPS and now the supervised access centre decided they knew best how my son should be raised. FUCK THEM!! Fuck anyone who thinks they can tell me what I already fucking know. I know he is a pedophile. I know he rapes women and children. I know if he could get away with it he will keep raping children. FUCK HIM!! He is not seeing his son again...I will go to jail before I will allow any further abuse to happen to my son. It is NOT in my son's best interest to continue seeing his abuser regardless of the blood connection...FUCK THAT! 

Ok so now that I've said enough FUCKS ....I feel a bit better.....Now tomorrow I put on my game face and convince a young lady who is barely out of highschool how dangerous my ex is and that he should not be allowed in there facility where young children go to and from unattended. I don't think it will be an issue because I have enough medical documentation saying he is a pedophile....I will post tomorrow and let you know what they say...

Love you all for your support!

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 6/19/2012 - 8 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I updated everyone on how my abuser was considered a "moderate risk" of sexually re-offending.  I shared about how the Child Protective Services in my area would no longer do the supervised access visits which set me free of having to send my son on access with our abuser (my son's too).  Since my son has stopped seeing his father he has improved leaps and bounds with his attitude.  He is more co-operative and friendly. He has less mood swings and shows so much more improvement socially. HE HAS FRIENDS!!  He goes out to play like all the rest of the children on the street. It's great! 

Than.....My abuser calls!!

Ok so I get a call today from our local charity which supervises access between children and their parents. They told me that my ex called and would like to have an assessment as to whether they will supervise the access at their centre.  They called me to ask that I submit any written material to support my concerns about further access with the agency.  They will be making a decision over the next couple of weeks as to whether they would consider supervising access. I can't believe the future of my son's life is in the hands of an access centre again!! Why do people who may not even have a diploma in child protection have the right to decide whether my ex is a risk or not. If they decide to supervise access than I am up shits creek without a paddle. The courts will order my son back on access....back and fricken forth ...over and over again....he has already gone four months without seeing him and now they may send him back on access with his abuser...UNREAL!!

However if they decide they will NOT supervise access and I manage to convince them that he is a serious risk to other children and their parents at the centre than they will write a letter and say that access will not be at their facility ...since they have the only facility to supervise such cases than that would be the end of a very long and dragged out court battle. ....ladies and gents ....the bullshit begins!!

 I hope you will all pray and agree with me that my ex will no longer be allowed access to my son and that we can move on and continue to heal from his abuses...It may be the beginning of another five year battle or the end of a 5 year court / Child Protective services battle...this is entirely in the hands of strangers once again!!  Actually no it's not...it's in God's hands!! lol I keep forgetting I can turn to a higher power.

Blessings Everyone!  Mandee

 

Posted: 6/19/2012 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

What helped me in my recovery most was when I "talked" about my abuse. I finally open the flood gates and spilled the beans on my abuser. I told everything ...I talked and talked and talked myself into recovering...just wanted to share this because between prayer to my higher power Jesus and using my voice ...my little girl's voice ....I recovered...I keep recovering and I will recover...

I hope this helps!

Blessings !  Mandee

Posted: 5/19/2012 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

My husband and I bought a truck this week and when he brought it home I was so excited. It is a used truck but in mint condition. My husband walked me around the truck and when I saw the back window I freaked out....I don't know why but there were harley davidson stickers on the back window and I got the SAME OLD sinking feeling in my stomache that I get when I think about my ex (my abuser) ....I know he drove bikes but none were harleys....I can't figure it out except to say that there are some memories I am not conscious of that are triggering the hell out of me. My husband just laughed and said he wanted to keep the stickers when I asked him to take them off. I didn't tell him how much this was bothering me because being Native I didn't think he would want to keep biker stickers on the truck.  Last night I told him it was triggering the heck out of me and he said he was going to take them off and was just teasing me. He just didn't want the funny look on the window you get when stickers peel off.  I can't figure this out and if anyone has any ideas on how that would be great!

Thanks!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 5/9/2012 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I said I would post an update as to what has been happening with my ex who is no longer a registered sex offender because here in Canada they stop the registration after a certain amount of years depending on the severity of the crime. So as of 2012 my ex who sexually assaulted myself and both my children is a "regular citizen"...well ALMOST!!

Good news!!  The Child Protective Services here put my family through a two year assessment to determine if I was a wack job telling my children to lie about their dad....well that assessment completed two years ago and they determined I am sane (surprise surprise lol) ...they also determined my daughter had been sexually assaulted by my ex but couldn't say my son had because he is developmentally delayed and did not disclose anything to them.  Regardless they did believe with the supporting documentation of the years of journaling my son's behaviours that he had been exposed to "sexualized material"...this is all documented on my previous entries (for those who would like to catch up on my Story ..the never ending SAGA )....Regardless the assessors from this child abuse department decided that in order for there to be an understanding as to how dangerous my ex is to see his father unsupervised they asked for a Risk Assessment to be done....

More Good News...The risk assessment has been completed by his very own counselor who believed our stories of sexual assault and determined that my ex is in denial of his abuses and is a Moderate risk of re-offending against children.  This was very damaging to the ex because the report also supported that he should be supervised around children (including my son)...

More Good News...After this report was release and I was forcd to deal with several years of Child Protective Services intrusion on our lives...THEY CLOSED OUR FILE!!! They sited that my family (myself, children and new husband) are doing well and the only reason they were involved was because they were providing supervised access until the assessment was done....YUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!! you guessed it!!

The Child Protective services are no longer willing to supervise access and neither is our local access centre because they don't supervise sex offenders....so you see where I'm going???!! 

OUR ABUSER IS UP SHITS CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE AND IT LOOKS REAL GOOD ON HIM!! He is no longer able to see his son and if he wants to he will have to bring it back to court...however there is no place but private agencies to supervise and I will never allow that because it is not government regulated and my son has special needs and cannot be at this kind of agency.  So guys!! I am awaiting court because I know the ex just has to win so he will try to get access to his son ...however there is no way it will be unsupervised and he has to get throught this TOUGH ASS BITCH to get there LOL...I'm so fucking happy (sorry for the swearing..just had to throw that in there for affect...) Love you guys and gals for all the support you have given us over the years.  My family is at peace now...My daughter is in counselling now and in her beginning stages of recovery...my son is beginning his therapeutic intervention for his acting out and we will see how that goes but it's a step in the right direction.  My other two children are healthy and beautiful babies.  My recovery is a rollarcoaster of anger and forgiveness....it will take years to truly forgive my abuser...first protection...than recovery.....and all the while I will be asking God to help me forgive the ex for his life changing abuse. 

Again, Thank you all for your love and support (((((hugs)))) big ones!

Love & Blessings , Mandee

Posted: 5/9/2012 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hello Everyone!! I'm sorry I've been away so long and I've missed you all.....I have recently had a baby..now we are caring for four children...two under two and 1 special needs boy and a very busy teenager lol....we are soooo blessed!!  I just wanted to update you all on what has been going on personally...I have returned to school so I can finish in April and graduate in June.  I have been putting this off for a while so I've been caught up in adjusting to all these awesome changes. As for my story I will post an update to that as well...hope you all have been doing awesome!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 12/11/2011 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Our beautiful baby girl was born last week!  I wanted to announce to everyone her name and all that wonderful stuff but for safety reasons I have to keep that private.  She weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces and the birth went well (in exception to the pain of course lol).  My husband and I are both juggling the new baby and her older sister who we had last year ....DIAPERS DIAPERS DIAPERS!  We are thrilled to have our children. I'm announcing this to let you know that you are all on my heart everyday and I will do my best to keep up with responding to your messages even with the lovely additions ;)

Blessings, Prayers and Love your way

Mandee

Posted: 7/26/2011 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

As you may know my family is First Nations and we often attend events in the area like the recent local Aboriginal Pow Wow Celebrations where my husband was drumming.  A week before our wedding and at the end of the day my husband went looking for my son who is 10 years old but developmentally delayed. K had been playing with a younger boy about the age of 5 years old because he is developmentally more that age.  When my husband found K he was asking the five year old boy to kiss his buttocks. The boy did bend over and kiss my sons naked buttocks but my husband was too far away at the time across the park to stop it or to even be heard given my son is hearing impaired.  So when he saw my son doing this he began to run toward the children to intervene but by the time he had arrived my son had his pants down to his knees, bent over and spreading his bum cheeks and the boy was about to kiss his anus.   When my husband arrived back after intervening on this offending behaviour from K to this little boy we were both in shock!  We didn't know what to do!  We stood there and barely said anything. My stomache turned and my heart was beating a mile a minute. When we tried to locate the boy and his parents we could not find them.  I know this sounds awful but at the time I was terrified to tell the parents what happened in fear of an outburst of anger and possible fights taking place. We felt that we had better leave the park and report it to the Children's Aid Society. I know a woman who knows the identity of the boy so we will get his identifying information and pass it on to the authorities so the parents will be informed.  I don't know if what I did was right but it was how I reacted at the time and the only way to fix this would be to ensure the parents of the boy are told and my son gets help.

The CAS seemed concerned and told us that our son K would need to be fully supervised around other children (which we had already decided) until we could figure out a way to help him.  I have to wonder when CAS will finally acknowledge that my son was also a victim to his father's sexual offenses and truly get him the help he needs.  We went to the Child Abuse Counselling services in our area and they are reluctant to help my son given they believe he will likely disclose the sexual abuse from his father and CAS will need to be called and a whole investigation will pursue and hold up their counselling services.  I understood their concerns but I also feel it is necessary to help my son (and so do the counselors) before he offends when he hits puberty and can be old enough to go through the justice system. Given he has severe cognitive delays it would really be an injustice to K not to intervene now and acknowledge the abuse he has suffered. I pray and hope you will all pray with us that we can get the help he needs soon. 

Oh yes and now the offender that I've managed to keep supervised in his visitations of my son is having a risk assessment done. This assessment is being paid for by the Children's Aid Society in our community to see if they can help him get unsupervised access to K.   CRAZY EH? I thought they were here to protect children, not the perpetrators!  I'm sure those who donate to the Children's Aid society would like to know their money is going to pay for an assessment for a man who has already proven to sexually assault children!  Just had to vent that.  Thank you for reading this much!

Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 7/26/2011 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I recently decided not to hide the healing power God had in my sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I think that we have covered many ways to healing on this site and after two years of witholding this healing power in my life I felt it was important to talk about my spirituality and it's role. I know this may stir up a lot of feelings given the sensitivity of the topic so I hope as survivors we can all put our personal feeling aside and support one another no matter what the opinion. Please take from my experience what you like and leave the rest.

 I spent years asking myself "where was God when those men hurt me?"  I spent a lot of time asking, " Why did God not stop what happened since he is all powerful?"  Those were some really tough questions and I can only share what reconciliation I had with those question through a vision I was given when I was in my twenties.  I began attending a small local church when I was living in the midst of the nightmare of rapes and abuses from my ex who as you all may know already is now a registered sex offender convicted of possession of child pornography.  I was trapped in this cycle of chaos and abuse that no matter what I did I could not escape.  At this church there was probably 8 members total including the pastor and his wife.  So I was so blessed that this pastor would come to my home ( I was agoraphobic from the abuse and couldn't leave my house) and teach me that God was real and present today.  I didn't share with this pastor what I was experiencing but I think he knew. I know now this Pastor was the person God put in place to help me after all those cries out to him.  To the pastor's misfortune because his congregation was so small I was rescued from a lifetime of abuse.  I to this day think that God made it that way so I had the one on one support I needed.  Isn't it awesome that God would bring a church to almost a breaking point for just one soul like mine?!

Anyway this man spent two years counselling me and showing me God's word. His wife was a background support that I will always be grateful to as well.  Needless to say one day while he was praying for me I felt my eyes close and my heart ask all those crazy questions to God.  What happened? Why did you abandon me?  Why was I hurt as a little girl?

His answer astounded my soul....He showed me a vision..this vision was of me at four years old. I had forgotten this little girl and what she used to like to do so it was very neat to watch myself play at four.  I was looking down on me at four years old from the heavens like God did.  I was watching me with half my body waist up in the linen closet with my bear rug sleep over zippered bag full of stones.  The closet was too small for me to fit entirely in but I still managed to snuggle as much as I could into the closet.  While in there I could hear the distant screaming of my parents voices while things were being thrown around. 

Normally after their fights one of them would come upstairs and take their anger out on me and my older sister ( 6 years old).  So it was normal for me to want to hide.  So while in this upstairs linen closet no more than maybe a 2 feet deep I pulled out each and every stone (pebble) I found on the beach and each little shell.  While doing this I would examine them and pretend I was a princess in a far away land.  Each shiny sparkle in the stones were gold that made me a rich princess.  Well just now I realized why I don't like it when a man calls me princess..oh my goodness...because I used to be a princess to hide from the abuse.  I get it...

Sorry back to the story...

While praying and watching as if I were God for a moment I felt something that was so deep. I felt God's heart, his grief and sorrow for that little girl he created to be loved and cherished.  I felt my chest heave in sorrow and I began to cry uncontrollably and yet they weren't my tears.  They were God's tears. He created me to be loved and my parents chose differently.  He created me to be treated with kindness and since he gave my parents free will to go against God's plan He didn't stop the abuse.  He did however use it for good later.   God spent each moment with me grieving the losses from my parents sins against me and is in the process grieving the losses from the men who assaulted me.  God also gave me one other thing when I was a child and suffering that I never realized until this day...the gift of imagination. The gift of imagination let me escape into a world that was safe and that cherished me as God does. I am God's princess!

I pray that you experience the reconciliation with God as I did that day so you can tap into his healing power as I did.

Blessings! Mandee

 

 

 

Posted: 7/11/2011 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hello Everyone,

If you are wondering why it has been a while since I've been online on PWP it is because my life has been a rollarcoaster of blessings and sadness. Without the sadness though how could I possibly appreciate the blessings that have been given.  I was married last month to my partner and we are expecting our sixth child (between us).  We are 20 weeks along now and praying for a healthy baby. We lost the baby just before this one and that was part of the sadness we endured but the sun shone again and God blessed us with this new little one growing and waiting to make their appearance.  I have had trouble messaging my life to my friends here on PWP because I have a stalker. Yes I have a neighbour who is completely obsessed with me who will not stop checking up on my life and messaging his opinions. He does this anonymously of course but because we used to be friends I know how he writes and who is making these so called anonymous emails.  I have felt sort of trapped by this and unable to truly share my life with my friends here. Today I have decided not to be my stalker's victim anymore. I am blessed whether good or bad. I will keep any identifying information out of the loop for the protection of our children but otherwise I am not going to be afraid to share who I am with you all anymore. 

I am sad today but that too will pass. Last week my daughter moved in with her step dad (my ex husband) who is manipulating her. She is only 16 years old and has always told me I am a good mom. Now she is saying awful things!  I know alot of teens go through this stage but as a mother it still hurts. I still have feelings (even though I have tried to be mom of steel).  I pray she comes home for several reasons but one in particular is her safety. I ask that you all pray that she remains safe because the man she has chosen to be her "dad" is a somewhat recovering alcoholic/ drug addict and is mentally ill on many meds.  He was very abusive in the marriage and that is why it only lasted 2 and a half years. I hope you will all hold her in prayer. She is a member here on PWP and I can't say who she is because I respect her privacy and she deserves that.  Thank you for letting me vent this out on PWP.

Good things are still happening and I'm focussing on those too!

Love you all

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 6/11/2011 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Blood test results are in and they don't look promising. I will see the dr on thursday but I can say so far baby is doing good.  As for me well that is another story.....I feel awful today and have things going on right now that are causing such grief. I know that I am blessed even in my sadness. I just wanted to update you on the results.  I know that God (Creator) is with us.   I forgave my abuser last week....I do feel different which is a good thing. 

Blessings and Love to you and your family

Mandee

Posted: 5/23/2011 - 8 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hey everyone, just updating you all on my blood tests results. I apologize it took so long to get back to PWP but I was in the hospital recovering from what they thought was a mini stroke (during my pregnancy) but it turns out to be something else all together.  I want you all to know that the results were not good for me and the baby. They are scary actually.  I am praying my blood will return to normal and baby's development will be ok.  I can't get into detail publicly but I want you all to know your prayers and encouragement have really helped. I realize this has nothing to do with sexual abuse directly but I think it does in some ways.  The imbalance in my blood that is causing the problems likely stems from the damage I did to my body when I couldn't eat (anorexia nervousa) during the 10 years of repeated sexual assaults. So now that abuse to my body has worn my system down and now we are praying for a healthy pregnancy, delivery, baby and mom.  All these things can be affected by what is wrong. I am so glad I have a Faith and God to turn to during this (and all my friends here) or I would probably go crazy. 

Love and Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 5/12/2011 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I don't admit this often but I am really scared tonight. My partner and I lost a baby on February 25, 2011 and we were devestated but God helped us get through it.  We are very blessed because we are pregnant again!  The pregnancy has gone well so far ...well I've been feeling really sick but so far so good...well I hope..

We are 10 weeks two days right now and just this week we had our prenatal screenings in the form of an ultrasound and bloodwork. It was weird when I got the ultrasound picture I was sure we would be able to see arms and legs...but it is just the head and body...a sort of glob on the ultrasound. I tried to put that out of my mind because we were one week behind what we thought we were so I just assumed the baby hadn't developed much yet or that it's arms and legs were tucked in somewhere.  Now this morning the phone rings and it's my doctor...well my doctor NEVER calls, even if there is a minor issue...he still doesn't call me for an appointment.  In fact they booked me in for tomorrow and said it has something to do with my bloodwork!  OH MY I am very very frightened....I am praying that nothing serious is wrong....

We already have special needs son and I know the heartache, blood, sweat and hospital visits that is needed for their care.  PLEASE I pray God spares us another child who is going to go through so much hurt and so much work.....our son is so special and he is my hero. I have never seen a child go through so much and survive with such a good soul.  He is awesome please don't get me wrong...I just don't know if I could take it again....

I am soooo worried, I am maybeing this and maybeing that and it is driving me nuts!  I normally hold myself together better but I think the loss in February is compounding my concerns.  It is likely nothing but I'M SCARED...

Blessings!

Mandee

 

Posted: 5/8/2011 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

So today is Mother's Day and all I can do is think , how do I honour my mother?  I would first have to feel like honouring her but it has been a difficult task.  She was great up until eight years old when she had my youngest sister, began drinking and forgot she was a mother. She dumped a lot of responsibility on her two older children (me included) of the new baby.  She got depressed and didn't try to get help...just buried her head in a bottle or left the kids at home while she worked until midnight.  We lost our childhood. If that didn't make matters worse when my parents finally separated I can remember so many things that happened to make me lose all respect for my mother. Like her visits to the local bar and bringing strange men into our home to fuck.....who cares that she had her children in the house or that I woke up one morning at 12 years old to the fucking guy in his boxers eating breakfast and changing the channel on our t.v. Or how about when I walked in on my mom at 15 years old giving a blow job to one of my highschool friends who was 19 while my dad was away at work in another province.  Or how about the time when I told my mom I was being sexually solicited by her father and all she could say was that he didn't mean it that way.  Give me a fucking break!  My grandfather was the same man who propositioned you to fuck him when you were thirteen but than you made excuses to me that he was drunk and didn't know you weren't his wife.  FUCK OFF he wasn't blind he liked to solicit children for sex mom!  Ok so you let dad beat us, you let your new partners verbally abuse us and you mommy dearest told me all your problems and asked me to solve them at the precious age of 11 years old. WTF I wasn't a fucking counselor.  Ok so there are many more examples of why honouring my mother is a very hard task ......but then I think.....

She was raped at 12 years old by her father's friend.  She was likely sexually assaulted most of her life by her father.  She was born a "purple baby" back first and likely suffered brain damaged which is probably the reason I out grew her by 12 years old.   She has had absolutely no resources when we were children to escape the abuse my dad put us all through.  She worked to escape the life at home not realizing we were being physically abused by our father too.  My mother has had no counselling and has found a way to get through life by making excuses for her abusers.  I get it and it SUCKS!  I still love her and the woman I met before I was eight who would walk us to the local coffee shop for a donut every single day and the woman who honoured and loved my father before he cheated on her with a bunch of women.  I love the woman who told me I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it.  She loved me with all she knew how to love me with.  I will honour her today...the mother who deserved to be protected, loved and respected.  Not the woman that alcohol and denial made her.  The woman I know that God created. 

Mommy I love you, Happy Mother's Day and my prayer for you today is that you recover from the sexual abuse that stole your childhood away.  xoxoxox

Posted: 4/3/2011 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone,

We had a First Nations healing fire today where I burned all my journals when I was being abused! WHEW!  Now that the Criminal Injuries Hearing is over I felt that it was time to let go and begin to really heal from the damage that my ex caused both me and my children.  We are truly blessed to have our Spirituality, mine personally is Christian and I'm First Nations so I am doubly blessed.  I miss you all and will be chatting soon...by the way...God gave us another gift...WE ARE PREGNANT again!  Praying this one is a healthy and full term baby. 

Love you all

Mandee

Posted: 3/9/2011 - 9 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I wanted to share a very deep part of my life with my friends here on PWP.  I don't normally do this but it is something I can't bury inside.  My fiance and I got pregnant again and we were thrilled!  February 21st, 2011 we took a test and were so deeply  moved with the thought that God would bless us with another angel.  I let my guard down because our last pregnancy was fantastic and no problems.  The only pregnancies I'd lost were with my abuser after his sexual & physical assault that torment me to this day.  I guess his abuse left scarring because just five days later we lost our precious baby.  We are devestated and I'm finding it impossible to keep my anger inside.  I am so upset about the loss and the reminder that my womb has been forever damaged because of my abuser. He will always have that ...he gave me that curse.  We lost another baby because of his abuse.  I HATE WHAT HE DID TO ME....my heart is just breaking.  I am praying that God will bless us with another healthy pregnancy to remind me how God is in Charge....I love you all and miss chatting.

Be back soon

Love Mandee

Posted: 2/17/2011 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

My hearing at the Criminal Injuries went much better than I could have ever imagined. Everything I worried about never happened. I was listened to and they made an acception and told me the decision...." We believe you"...

All of this I would do again in a heartbeat to hear those words from them..."we believe you"

WOW!  I will write more later I am soooooooo exhausted...

My hats go off to those who work at the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board for Victims of Crime...You have made it an experience of validation and peace.

As they said to me, " Let your healing begin today"....

Powerful and life changing day today..

Love you all!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 2/12/2011 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Sago, Ahnee Boohzoo (Hello)

I'm here again to blog my feelings about the up and coming hearing in the next 5 days.  I wanted you all to know that I am soooo blessed and I have such awesome supports in place for my recovery before I complain about anything.  I wake up each morning with a more intense anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach anticipating the Criminal Injuries Hearing about to take place in five days, on the 17th of this month.  I have constant thoughts plaguing my mind of past abuses and I'm triggered by the littlest things.  I know this will go away when the hearing is over...well at least I hope so.

My fear is the sound of his voice!?  Weird but I'm not afraid of sharing my story because I have done that on here and with close family and friends...I am afraid of his voice. It sets me into a spiral just the thought of hearing it again.  As for the hearing I have natural anxiety that I won't be believed and this will turn into another re-victimization process instead.  The police officer that did the investigation that I wrote a 20 page complaint about is going to be attending the hearing which is upsetting too. His police report was full of judgements and inaccuracies.  It was actually discriminatory and full of opinion instead of facts. I expected a fact based report and instead when I read it I saw nothing but subjective comments making me out to be "crazy or manipulative".  As you can imagine I was shocked by this report as I expected it to be objective and professional.  Not even close.  So now I not only face my abuser but the officer who re-victimized me during his investigation. 

So now I wait ...5 more sleeps (as I would tell my son) until I face it all. 

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 2/8/2011 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I am going to a criminal injuries hearing on February 17th to essentially get my day to tell what happened to me. This is a hearing that is victim centred and helps those who have been victims of crimes to get financial compensation for the pain and suffering they went through. My "alleged offender"  or who we would call abuser was never charged with any of the crimes against myself or my children but I'm still able to file this claim in hopes that they believe what happened.  The real reason I wrote this message entry is because I'd like to give us all a voice when I go there.  If I get nothing from this but closure and to give my family on PWP a voice that would be AWESOME!

If you wouldn't mind I'd like for my PWP family of survivors to write a message for these board members to hear.  If you would like try to think of one thing you would say if you could have a voice at the hearing. 

Thanks for your input!

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 2/7/2011 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I woke up this morning with a pain in my stomach because I have a criminal injuries hearing in 10 days. I had a nightmare last night about old stuff from the past so I guess it's bothering me more than I thought. My fiance keeps telling me that I am feeling the effects of the coming trial and have been really miserable lately but I didn't really see it. As I sit here on the couch I replay all of the possible questions they may ask and play back all the possible answers I could give. I don't know how to explain to them what happened and the impact it has had on every aspect of my life. How do I explain why I kept communication with my abuser??? How do I explain the brain washing I went through with him? How do I explain the torture and fear he put me through?

These are all the thoughts that go through my head at 6:45 am as I sit and wait....wait for ten days to come and 32 more days for a decision. Why does it matter so much as to what other people think????

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 1/28/2011 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I know you may be wondering why debt has anything to do with sexaul assault or abuse. Let me explain a revelation I just got. I paid my house tax bill today and a significant amount of debt off last month. It left me struggling for a while but in the end the burden of debt was lifted and my money was clear to move onto better things. Today God put on my heart the inspiration that I no longer owe any DEBT to my abuser!

Yes I bet you are saying, "EH? What is she talking about?"  Let me explain again....I no longer owe him one more tear, one more day of sleeplessness, one more fearful thought or one more moment of my time.....I am DEBT FREE! 

Now I can move forward onto bigger and better things to do ....I am DEBT FREE and I hope you will be too!

Love you all, Blessings & Prayers!

Mandee

(This was an entry I remember posting that changed my view on my recovery and I hope it helps yours)

Posted: 1/28/2011 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

My daughter got what she wanted and deserved! She got the VERIFICATION from the Child Protective Services in our area of the sexual assault from her brother's father.  I am soooo proud of her persistance. She demanded they listen to her after three years of being told they couldn't believe her.  It was sooo validating to see the social worker lean into her and say, " we believe you".    WOW! 

She froze and went pale. I dont' think either of us expected this decision given our past involvement. I really think she was in shock.  So much so she could barely respond. She sat there and couldn't even smile. She couldn't feel anything until the next day. I felt a bit sorry for the Child protective worker because I think she was hoping for a response. One of relief or of anger or something but she got nothing.  Kind of ironic.  K got nothing from them for three years and than when they hope for a response...they get nothing LOL...too ironic. I think my daughter said it best... " A lot too late mom".....

This is true...a lot a bit too late but I don't care.  The next day my daughter seemed to have a weight lifted from her. She was smiling and said " I feel better"...

Good enough for me!

I love you all SURVIVORS and I pray you get the validation you seek and so deserve. I pray for your healing and recovery from this horrific crime.  An entry comes to mind that I posted a long time ago. I'm going to find it and re-post it for those who still seek justice. I want to thank you all for your support from the deepest part of my heart.

Blessings!

Mandee (((((Hugs)))))))

 

Posted: 1/25/2011 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Tomorrow is a big day for us but especially for my daughter who is now almost 16. We meet with the Child Protective Services in our area who have repeatedly failed to believe her in the past to determine whether the re- investigation / new disclosures will be believed. She hasn't been able to sleep in months since this ordeal began.  We could use your prayers today...

A poem dedicated to my daughter and in rememberance of all of our daughters who suffered at the hands of an abuser...

You enlighten my world each and everyday

With the wisdom you carry and the words that you say

There once was a time I prayed we'd get out

Not realizing what abuse this was about

How did we get there I really don't know

Except that his true side he never would show

My daughter when you were born your eyes touched my soul

And if anyone harmed them I would lose all control

The man I brought into our lives I hoped would be true

Instead he was the nightmare we had to live through

When you stood up for yourself and defended the story

you ended the lies, the darkness and made it God's glory

You are a SURVIVOR with the truth by your side

And the healing you have I know will be your guide....

Love you K.S...my beautiful daughter

Posted: 12/16/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Earlier this week we scheduled a meeting to determine whether the CAS had verified the sexual assaults from my ex toward my daughter who is now 15 years old.  The manager called me yesterday to let me know that they still after several months haven't made a determination and wanted more time to speak to other Child Abuse Specialist. I don't get it since they have already got the report from the 18 month Child Maltreatment Assessment that took place and found my daughter's disclosures "credible".   We attended the meeting anyway to find out why this is dragging out so long and the Manager has decided to leave us out of the "loop"...the weird thing is when this investigation began a few months ago on my daughter's request for a verification of the abuse the Manager was very co-operative. Suddenly since my daughter went and had her interview and they spoke to my ex the alleged abuser they have been keeping us more and more in the dark as to why this is taking so long. The only thing the manager was willing to say was, " I will be honest Amanda, we have always had concerns as an agency that KayLee's disclosures have come out as a result of the Custody/Access dispute between yourself and your ex J..."  OK so I respond by saying .."  I think it is quite normal to be involved in an access dispute when your child has disclosed sexual harm? It is my job to protect my children isn't it?"  The manager on one hand seems sympathetic to my situation and yet you can sense her reluctance to believe everything my daughter and I have been disclosing.  I give up really on getting the response of a verification from this agency and intend to fully sue their asses when this is over. I'm sure many people say that but I will tell you that over the last several years I've been documenting everything in detail and have many discrepancies that have put my children in harms way and will hold them accountable.  My previous lawyer believes I have a good case of negligence on behalf of the Ministry of Family Services that runs the CAS and the Children's Lawyer....

As for today...well I just got back from the police department today where my report was taken with respect to my daughter's and son's most recent disclosures of sexual assault from my ex.  This all began when I went to the police station to inquire about the status of my last restraining order and whether the police department would enforce it....than they asked why I was worried more at this point than previously and I told them about my daughter's more recent disclosures to the Children's Aid Society and the pattern of escilated stalking my ex does when this kind of stuff sets him off...almost in a way to intimidate or to warn to keep quiet.  The officer suggested that I report the sexual assaults I've recorded even though I already told the CAS. He said that it didn't matter that I told them because "they have their job to do and we have ours..."

The PC told us he would speak to his superior and get back to us as to whether a report should be taken and submitted into Child Abuse Branch again with these new allegations. I was really worried when he said this because it's always been the suspicion by the CAS and the police that my motives for reporting were because of the access dispute rather than the fact he really hurt my children.  It's extremely frustrating to be trying to protect your children and report the assaults and get any justice.  You can't seem to have both. If I were to do this all over again I would have reported the allegations prior to witholding the access to my ex so that no one could question my concerns were legitimate. Mind you I did the right thing in protecting my children but I was very naive when it comes to understanding the "systemic" bullshit that comes with it.  So anyone who has concerns about their children being harmed and are just beginning this journey please feel free to message me anytime for support.

I don't regret any of what I've done because I've done my very best for my children. I don't regret it even though the authorities seem to think I have a "scewed perspective" on the events that have taken place ..blah blah blah...well I would like to see them leave their child alone with Jack and see what "perspective" they would have and what they would have done differently. Not likely much!  I'm pissed off, frustrated, overwhelmed and having feelings that this will never end and we will never be believed. I got a call today ironically just after getting out of the meeting with Children's Aid Society from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board dealing with my application from two years ago. (You don't need a conviction to apply for compensation for your sexual assaults so be sure to apply if you feel you want compensation for your injuries).  They have a date for my hearing scheduled for mid February 2011. I'm nervous but looking forward to putting all this behind me. This is my closure...this is my chance to be heard and my chance or day in court even though no charges will be laid. I don't care...I deserve this closure even if they don't judge in my favour for financial compensation I will still get what makes me feel heard...I will pray and see what happens.

I pray for all of you going through a mess whether it be mental, physical etc etc or through the court / child protective system that so often fails us. I've had to learn to let go of the resentment about the reactions from the professionals put in place to protect us because unless you've ever really been with a sex offender than you don't understand.  They just don't truly understand and I pray for them to gain understanding.

Blessings and Love to all my Survivor Family on PWP

Mandee  

Posted: 12/14/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hey Hey My PWP Family

This has been a hell of a few months. My daughter who was sexually assaulted repeatedly from my ex went to the Children's Aid Society (CAS) here and wanted her abuse to be verified after several years of being told it couldn't be and that she wasn't believed...(well indirectly they told her this by not verifying and insisting her step - dad had rights!)  Ok so she recently went for her last interview with the CAS regarding her past sexual assaults. They interviewed her again and she disclosed all that she could remember. As her mother it's been a difficult journey of recovery of my own but to watch her suffer with sleeplessness, headaches, nausea and anxiety it has been extremely challenging. I want to tear his head right off! 

So my daughter discloses and than shortly after that my son (who is the abuser's biological son as a result of a sexual assault) comes home from his supervised visit with many gifts at hallowe'en and low and behold what do you think the fricken abuser did????? YEP! He sent my daughter home a shirt without the supervisors of the centre even knowing!....ok so now I'm pissed and tell the CAS what he did and of course they minimize the impact that would have on my daughter. They say that they can't be sure it was sent for her and not for my son.  Let me explain why I know it was sent to her...the size of the shirt a large adults...the size of my son 6X in boys weighing only 45 pounds and four feet tall...NICE FRICKEN TRY!

Ok so that happened and than things just seemed to get worse...the abuser tells the CAS that he doesn't want to come in right away and post-pones the investigation and essentially the results for over 5 more weeks...I ask the CAS why they would let him the accused abuser dictate when he will be interviewed and they said that his piece of information was so important that they didn't want to rush him...DO YOU BELIEVE THAT>?  Since when do we ever allow the alleged abuser to determine how this investigation will go?  I'm confused because they never gave me that luxury..the mother who never did a damn thing but try to protect her children from a sex offender....

So now approximately a month later my son comes home extremely upset from an access visit and tells us that his daddy has toys at his house and that he that staff at the visitation centre won't allow his daddy to bring them to the supervised access centre.  It turns out the abuser was left alone in a room with my son for several minutes and a discussion took place that scared the shit out of me and my fiance....the sentence that my son said that scared us most went something like this, " We can go to daddy's house and get the toys, it will only take a minute."  This was said to my son who is developmentally delayed and would believe that and happily follow his father out the door.  I am shocked!  It leaves me no confidence in the centre supervisors in protecting my son from this very manipulative man.  My partner and I spen several hours with the local police and the children's aid departments trying to sort out a safety plan.  In the meanwhile I'm having a fit!  How do I know dad won't come to the school and lure my son off ground by saying ...remember k when I said we could go to my house and get toys ..get in the van...it will only take a minute....OH MY!  I have no idea what to do? If I don't send him on access I will end up being arrested is what one officer said to me as a result of the court order in effect at present.  This needs serious ammending and a new restraining order needs to be drafted to protect myself and the children.  Unfortunately to make my week better, December 8th 2010 I received a letter from my lawyer involved in this case for three years that he is no longer my lawyer. I have to find a new one now..so here as I sit right now I have no lawyer...

As for today ...today I spoke with my daughter and she was really struggling but says she is feeling better now...how do I know this?  She doesn't appear happy while she is teary and crying.  As for her abuser...well I just find out that my ex (the abuser) made her do horrific things ...bit by bit she discloses to me and bit by bit I want to lose it!  I told her that I wasn't going to let him get away with what he had done...I told her I will keep fighting for her justice.   So today as it stands I wait for the meeting thursday to determine whether the CAS will verify the abuse...I wait for a police officer to tell us whether they want to make another police report with the new details of the abuse she is slowly disclosing...I wait for the new lawyer to meet with me thursday too to determine whether we will be working together...I wait and wait and wait.....as I lose my mind slowly...

You are all a very valuable group of people in this world...Chi Miigwetch (big thank you ) for all of your support through this mess.

Blessings! Mandee

 

Posted: 11/25/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I noticed a lot of my friends here on Points With Purpose are celebrating or in some cases dreaded this holiday so I thought I would copy and paste some old but encouraging posts that worked for me during these times of trial.  Please take what you feel works for you :)

Here goes....

1.    I want to call my journey, " The Great Race" and I hope that all of you will join me and when we reach that finish line that we can share in the laughter and the tears.  I know that my finish line is in sight...I can feel it!  Wherever you are in this race (marathon) to healing it doesn't matter as long as you stay in the race.  You can be just beginning and have difficulty seeing how you could even considering reaching the finish line and that is ok, we have all felt that way. The good news is that it's possible if you just stay in the race, don't give up!  The important thing is that when you are tired and can't run another step please reach out and ask for help because others will ask the same of you.  Remember we are no longer Victims in this great race of life...we are SURVIVORS

2. " When you are feeling so bad you can hardly breathe, take one more breath in faith and you will be healed."

3.  As a survivor I spent years trying to figure out boundaries after sexual abuse so as promised this is the Statement I gifted the group ( my last post) and I hope it will inspire you to take care of yourself in your relationships as it did me.....

It Is Never My Responsibility To:

Give what I really don't want to give.

Sacrifice my integrity to anyone.

Do more than I have time to do.

Drain my strength for others.

Listen to unwise counsel.

Retain an unfair relationship.

Be anyone but exactly who I am.

Conform to unreasonable demands.

Be one hundred percent perfect.

Follow the crowd.

Put up with unpleasant people.

Bear the burden of another's misbehavior.

Do something I canot really do.

Endure my own negative thoughts.

Feel guilty toward my inner desires.

Submit to overbearing conditions.

Meekly let life pass me by. 

 

Author unknown

4. God said that what you say with your mouth can bring life or death onto things.  I hope we all consider what we say about others but most importantly lets consider the impact our words have on ourselves.  Isn't it interesting that we notice right away when someone else says something bad about us and tend to feel defensive but when we "take out the boxing gloves" and beat ourselves up we barely realize it's happening.  We don't notice it because we've probably done it for so long that it has become normal.  I hope you will notice it and stop cursing yourself today.  Try  thinking about the child inside you that needs to be nurtured if you can't find a way to feel loving toward yourself.  That child who was harmed didn't do anything wrong and she needs your help to love herself (himself) again. You would never hurt a child so why would you hurt God's Child....YOU.....I know you are deeply loved and I pray you will find a way to bless instead of curse others but especially yourself.   After all you are precious :)  Blessings Mandee

5. I just realized again today but in such a deep way that healing and recovery from sexual abuse has to start from the inside out.  Our spirits were some how victimized through what seems to others as a physical assault.....it wasn't ...it was an assault on our very wholeness as a person.  Our bodies were invaded and than our minds became victim when we tried to forget, cover up or push away the memories of the event.  Than our Spirit was presented with the pain our body, mind and emotions presented after the abuse and it's no wonder our Spirits lost hope.  I can't speak for you but this is how I feel the damage of abuse affected me.  When I started healing from the Spirit (the Inside) and moved my way outward it was like I was putting in REVERSE what had happened and began taking back what was so brutally stolen over and over again....MY peace, MY mind, MY spirit, MY laughter, MY life with my family, MY career path, MY faith etc....NOTE THAT I SAY MY .......It is MINE and always has been and I just had to find it again.  I sound so mystical in this at times but I have to say it was so simple. The answer was right in front of me for over a decade and I didn't see it.  Somehow that person robbed me of myself.  Not today. Not anymore and Not again.  I am whole in my recovery and I pray you will be whole in yours too.  Start with the Spirit and it will naturally progress outward into your mind, body and emotions.  I pray that you will heal the whole person you are and always have been.  Blessings!  Mandee

6. The definition FAITH is "hope in things unseen" according to scriptures.  I know many of you don't read the bible or believe in a God of any kind but I encourage you to keep an open mind.  The reason I chose this topic today is because although this site seems depressing at times it offers hope to so many who struggle in silence.  Like most of us who have been abused the effects are so damaging and are most often unseen.  We live our days being beautiful and even functioning well on the outside but the pain, the terror and the nightmare /  flashbacks are all real.  We don't see them but we know they are there because we feel them.  For today I hope you will have faith in things you cannot see and begin sense your healing ahead.  Healing is only possible if you have FAITH it will happen.  You have that mustard seed of faith that is needed because you are here searching for something!  I pray you will continue to grow in your FAITH and claim your healing  :)  Blessings Mandee

7. Another word of encouragement.  I will try to post one everyday so you can see the real healing that is there for you :)  Even the harder days are good is my topic for the day because I believe that as long as you are here another day, IT'S A GOOD DAY!  Life can throw us some serious curve balls and the pain can be so bad that it hurts to breath....I know this because I've lived it.  Some of us try to cope with self harming things like cutting, alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling.  It may help bury the pain but it doesn't release you from it.  It makes it worse, in fact it makes your life less like one you want to keep around.  Today do something good for yourself to ease the pain.  There are coping skills that are useful. Be in the moment today...live for now....find a song that makes you happy and listen to it, treat yourself to a bubble bath, get a good hug from a friend who truely loves you, pray or recite a poem that inspires you.  Today is a GOOD DAY because YOU are still here my friend.  You did it!  You are here!  

I hope this summary of my favourite entries helps you today. I have a friend who this message entry reminds me of and she works in the field of counselling like me and has said she will write a book entitled, "Take my advice I'm not using it" ...LOL  ok so I am reading these entries myself and will be reminding me of what focus I need.  Thanks for reading!

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 11/8/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: my feelings

I have been on Pointswithpurpose.com for about three years and site administrator for a year. I've experienced different forms of sexual abuse for most of my life and it still never feels any better to hear the awful stories still happening today!  Where does the helper go to get help?  I guess I need to go to my peers like they come to me. Recently I spoke to a member who has a very similar story to me and my children and boy did it ever trigger me...my heart is breaking for this young girl and worst of all she is suicidal.  I'm too far away to help her and even if I could be there I know that she is going through a worse nightmare scenerio right not that I can't fix given the police and child protective services are sooooo flawed.

  I love my job on PWP and the rewards are endless...I would never wish to lose my supports or my job on PWP ever.  I am however experiencing some rehashing of past trauma personally because if Children's Aid Society, access visits and the courts being delayed. I can only imagine how my daughter is feeling....

I just need to scream or at least cry my heart out because the pain the children on this site (adults too) go through is so immense for their beautiful spirits to take....Oh I pray that you will all join me in prayer (those who believe in God and those who don't) and ask for a breakthrough in the lives of all those who come in contact with Points With Purpose....and especially for our PWP children who come here for help....I pray they are rescued from the pain we have all experienced and that their journey to healing is a smooth one. I pray they have the support some of us never had and that they will be believed. I pray that we as a group of survivors and supporters can provide a safe place for them to come. I pray that sexual abuse victims across our nation, our world will come together to change laws and break the un-balanced scales of justice so that victims will finally be heard. I pray for you! For me! for Us!  I ask you God to come and be with each one of us in times of torment and pain to bring comfort....

I love you all survivors!  (((hugs)))

Blessings! mandee 

Posted: 10/30/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

This is a personal entry because I haven't updated my long ongoing saga of repeated victimization in a while.  Probably because it calmed down for a bit,.... well sort of.  As most of you know I recently had a baby and the adjustment has been normal chaos of no sleep and constant diaper changes so maybe it is more likely I've been distracted from it all.  The Child Protective Services in my area have been supervising access between my son and his father (the abuser) since the CAAP (Child Advocacy Assessment Program) came back saying he molested my daughter.  This has not changed in a year actually....I can't believe it's been a year already.  We have a new manager since I wrote complaint letters who is a woman and seems to be much more understanding and empathetic...I say seems because my children and I have been manipulated more by the workers at the Child Protection agency than a gambler does at poker.  I feel so mistrusting at times it's bordering on becoming paranoid.  

Essentially the story is this....my daughter was put through another interview voluntarily so she could attempt at getting a verification of the sexual abuse at the hands of her brother's father through the Child Protective Services.  It was different this time because she insisted on having her Wasa Nabin Worker who is a great First Nations Advocate attend the meeting between her and the CPS.  

On a side note....Please if you have children going through the system NEVER meet with the Child Protective Services alone as it gives the worker much more power than you think.

So after meeting with the worker and disclosing years of memories of sexual abuse my daughter tells me she was numb and couldn't cry.   For God sakes!  Why does she feel she has to be someone she isn't?  Because if she doesn't cry she feels they won't believe her.  As most of us know when we tell our story so much it becomes like it happened to someone else and the numbness kicks in full force.  So she told the worker everything she remembered and now they are making her wait almost a fucking month for their response as to whether they are going to verify the abuse against her.  I think after speaking with my daughter that hope has faded that she feels she will ever get the closure from CPS she deserves no matter what team of psychiatrists, social workers etc say how credible she is in her story. 

So how do I cope with my anger and frustration with watching my children get no justice, no closure and no protection. How do I deal with the tiggers every week when my son comes home with presents his daddy bought (the man who raped me and his sister and molested him) ...how do I deal with the feelings of disgust that come with touching something my ex has touched that comes home with my son. How do I deal with the feelings of wanting to puke because with each gift comes a slap in the face.  Our abuser used gifts to keep the children from talking and wanting to see him again.  To buy them off and feel less guilty for what he had done...to groom them like sexual predators do...and guess what????? The CPS workers don't seem to think that maybe a gift from our abuser coming home on a weekly basis might trigger the FUCK out of us!

Ok so those who know me will recognize that it is not often I swear like this...ok so once in a while I will...but tonight I feel like blowing my top !  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HIM!!!!!

Ok so I realize that I haven't been on here in a while and this has been a great place of support for me so I recognize that I need to be on here more often to share what is happening with respect to the abuser and his damn power in our lives.  I just want my children and I to be free from him.  Unfortunately that will take a long while.....unless by some miracle the abuser leaves us alone.  (not likely)

So now you know how I am doing....not so good....

I wait anxiously for the response of the CPS and yet it shouldn't fucking matter because they have done nothing to help protect my children thus far unless it suited their interests and covered their asses.  I will update you later on what the meetings with us come out like and their decision about my children once again.  For now I hope you will pray I don't lose what little sanity I have left in this long dragged out court / cps battle.  It has been since 2008 I've been fighting my rapist to protect my children from him.  

I will share that in my last meeting with CPS and the team of professionals that have dissected my family I was able to say this....this was awesome....

" Would you ask a woman who was raped by a stranger to allow him to see the biological child resulting from the assault? 

Than why do you ask me  ( a woman who was repeatedly raped by him)   to allow him access and parental rights to his child when the only difference was that I knew my attacker!" 

It was a good day that day....now I just need some more of those....

Thanks for reading a long dragged out vent....I love you all

Blessings, Mandee

 

   

Posted: 9/11/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone!

I'm so sorry that I didn't notify you all that I left the site for a few weeks. As some of you know we just had our baby girl three weeks ago and it's been a major adjustment but one we are enjoying. The children and I are doing well now and I have a few moments to work on spam issues.  I will try to keep you all informed if I have to leave again but for now I'm back on here regularily and will be working hard to avoid too much spam from cramping up our message board. I hope to speak to David about allowing China back on PWP as long as I keep working hard to prevent the spam from getting backlogged. What do you all think? I would hate to feel that someone there could not access such a supportive site like ours!

Blessings & Love

Mandee

Posted: 7/7/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I wanted to thank all of you who are reporting the  new members who are posting spam like messages or soliciting on our site. It has definately made my job easier. Please keep up the good work!  If you have any further concerns feel free to message me anytime.  Just a reminder, after speaking with David Ilan we have both agree that Michael Jackson pictures posted on our Profile in an album is alright however out of respect for other users who may be triggered by him we have asked that our profile pictures don't include his photo.  I realize this is a touchy topic for many users and I hope that we can all be respectful of one another and refrain from any personal attacks or debate on this issue. If you have any concerns about this request you are very welcome to message me privately admin@pointswithpurpose.com or even to my personal account here at mandee32...  Thanks for understanding and keeping our site user friendly for everyone! Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 7/2/2010 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

So once again I receive notice that my son needs to be fully supervised with his friend when on June 15, 2010 there was a meeting that stated the contrary. The manager at the Society suggested the play between his friend was "not overly sexualized or inappropriate for his age." Now there is a letter to my son's friend's dad stating just the opposite, that they "encourage full supervision between the children".  When does the re-victimization of our family stop?!!

I will explain in another letter what the hell I'm talking about...just venting

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 6/15/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I'm writing an entry about the appointment scheduled to determine if my daughter's abuse could be verified after several years of disclosures and since it's still in the investigating process I can't disclose too much publicly. I can say however that I'm not disappointed with the outcome but a bit standoffish.  I don't trust the Child Protective Services here in my city and province and given my past experiences with them I believe that is a normal reaction.  I really am having difficulty understanding their process and their reasoning behind the decisions for my family. 

So essentially I can't say anything for a bit longer until they determine the "Next Steps" and whether or not it's in my daughter's best interest to move forward with another investigation.  Given she has already told them what happened she isn't sure the purpose of telling them again but is eager to get a verification from them.  It may be red tape or it may be some other reason. I don't know but I have concerns about this but I hope that it will get sorted out eventually.  

 I have to determine (and really she is at an age that she can decide for herself) what she can handle and whether or not a verification of abuse at this point is really going to matter. My daughter brought up a good point... at least if they verify the abuse in writing and on record they can't take it back again down the road.  I told her only few details of the outcome of the questions she had about the appointment with CAS because really I don't have any answers for her. Essentially...I'm confused...I'm not sure what all this means for my daughter, my son or this whole CAS involvement. All I can say it I want it over, my daughter wants it over and most importantly we as a family want this 3 year mess over.

At least I can say this...the CAS is finally willing to take a position at court if need be and that is a step in the right direction.  I will let you all know the details when it's safe to disclose it. 

Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 6/8/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I had to enter this because it is sweet victory for all survivors but still a sad story all around. I don't know if I blogged this many months ago but I found out that the female lawyer representing my ex (the sex offender) is married to a man who was charged with sexually assaulting a couple of boys.  Back in 2007/2008 no one believed he did it and neither did his wife as far as I know.  The man charged was her husband and he too was a lawyer for young offenders. 

 Well I heard from my lawyers office today and well....  Her husband pled guiltly this past week to sexually assaulting two of the six boys and received a sentence of over five years in jail.  So essentially our abuser has a lawyer who is the wife of a convicted sex offender.   Her husband is now in Jail wearing the jumpsuit for sexual abuse! One down guys!  There is a strange and sad twist....this woman viciously defended my ex and I should be rejoicing for this back lash in her own life but .....

I feel awful about one thing that was mentioned and that is one of the victims is her son...I never never never wish any mother to have to deal with the hurt and betrayal that comes with her child's father abusing her child. Her Son disclosed within the last few months and is a HERO as far as I'm concerned and I know that she is a strong woman who will do the right thing for her children.  As much as she made my life and the lives of my children a living hell for the past two almost three years I have to say she was doing her job in defending my ex.

  Weird but I felt relieved  when I found out and I'm guilty of a small smile isn't that awful!  I was hoping that she will at least now understand how she affected me and my children and the real harm sexual offenses do to an entire family and especially the child victims. She may now realize why I wouldn't dare want my ex to be unsupervised (the man she is defending).   On one hand I say that sweet justice was done and yet on the other hand I have such deep sadness for what she is going through having to accept what has happened to her family. I remember having to accept what happened and how completely devestating it was.  I don't even wish this on my second worst enemy who was her.  I hate that her child had to suffer through this...I hate it!   I ask that we send prayers to her and her children as they too are victims in this awful crime. I love you Survivors for your support.

Blessings~ Mandee

Posted: 6/8/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

So i heard from CAS this morning and they will be meeting with a few professionals to discuss their options (probably a lawyer lol) as to whether they will be labelling my ex a child abuser and verifying my daughters sexual abuse disclosures. The great part about this is if they don't label him a sexual abuser than they will be going AGAINST the recommendations of the team of professionals they hired to determine if maltreatment occured and I will have a good chance in an appeal.  So essentially if they don't than they will be facing more than an appeal from me...I may seek legal counsel with respect to suing them for damages against my family. 

I feel so much more empowered since the assessment has been completed and someone finally believes my daughters allegations of sexual harm even if they don't believe me or my son. At least he will still be a known sex offender in the eyes of someone..somewhere...after all he was charged and convicted of possession of child porn.  As for me and the kids, we are doing well...the baby is due this summer and we are almost prepared for her arrival.

I hope you will keep us in your prayers for this week, especially June 10th that the outcome will determine that my ex is a sexual predator against children and that CAS will support continued supervised access to ALL children in my exes care until the age of 18.  I pray that they will put him on their child abuse registry and will support my decisions to protect my children in the future.  I can't thank those assessors enough for giving me the insight I need to continued healing and for the healing of my children.  I will post the outcome of the meeting as soon as I can....

Blessings & Love to everyone

Mandee

Posted: 6/7/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I sit here today with a stomach ache and feeling sick but it didn't do the usual and keep me isolated and down....instead I felt inspired tonight to write about how things don't always remain the same and that could be a good thing eh? (Canadian lol)

I know these feelings of being unwell will pass and so will the aches in my heart.  There will come a day when I feel better and in fact I will feel AMAZING~!

I pray that all those who read this remember that today is just a moment in time that will soon pass and it has a 50/50 chance of being better tomorrow...Now those are good odds!  Remember you have the ability to change this very moment so why not make it a good one :)

So feeling ill I will take myself to bed and rest under a fuzzy warm blanket ...that is making my moment better

Blessings & Love

Mandee

 

Posted: 5/24/2010 - 8 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I've been having a rough time of it lately. I'm in my 29 th week of pregnancy which I'm so thankful for because of the previous losses. I never really shared much about the impact my abuse had on my ability to carry children but I will say that out of five pregnancies I will have three children. One of those five ended at 23 weeks which gave me an incredible son who is developmentally delayed. So essentially I've had one (now two) healthy pregnancies. My son however pays the ultimate price of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex (and yet his innocence allows him to still love his father.)  ASS$%#@...yes I am angry but mostly sad.  I'm sad that my little guy has NO IDEA why he is the way he is or that it's anyone who caused it. I'm just beginning to grieve this and he is nine years old!  The pregnancy has brought back a lot of heartache I had previously pushed down.  

I haven't been writing or blogging publicly on here lately because I was being stalked my a woman who is dying to know who my baby's daddy  is and whether I'm her ex husbands lover. I refuse to expose anything to do with my life to her because I've witnessed her abusive behaviour to her ex - husband, her son and her ex-husband's children from his first marriage.  Anyway she has decided to breach my PWP account and learn about who I am that way. Funny but I don't think by reading all my entries she will know one damn thing about me. She only managed to learn the things I've gone through but not anything about who I am.  We are NOT the sum of our experiences alone. Otherwise all of us on PWP would turn out like freaks now wouldn't we?

Blessings! Mandee

 

Posted: 5/18/2010 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi everyone,

I just received my third message this month about women setting up accounts on PWP and soliciting users with invites for relationships / sex / and pictures exchange. I am doing my best to delete these accounts immediately. If you know of anyone who has messaged you in such a way please notify me with your concerns right away. These are "chain or bulk" emails done by solicitors that can become extremely annoying if we don't work together to keep them off our site.  Blessings !  Mandee

Posted: 4/24/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: Other

I would like to caution all new members who are here to harass our PWP users as a result of the recent posting on The False Rape Society site / blog.  I caution that you are being monitored closely by site admin and will be reported directly to David Ilan for his review.  If he decides to take legal action on behalf of himself or the members on  this site that anything you do on this site could be considered in this action.  Otherwise I wish all new members the best and ask that you remember to avoid giving out your personal information to users on PWP. This is an incredible site and we value all of our dot members whether they be supporters or survivors and work hard to keep the users on this site safe. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

Blessings! Mandee 

Posted: 4/24/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: Other

Hi Everyone,

I want to assure you that new users will be carefully monitored in the up and coming weeks.  I'm sending out this warning as we have had some harassment and even a death threat to David Ilan from a site called... " False Rape Society". There is a message from one of the readers / supporters on that site encouraging people to join our site and express themselves inappropriately. Please report to me any users who are being abusive in any way or may be here as a result of that posting.

Please refrain from commenting on that site unless you are willing to allow your IP address to be known.  Please email any concerns you have to admin@pointswithpurpose.com or message me on my profile at mandee32.  I will be keeping very close monitoring to ensure that PWP continues to be a safe site for all survivors and supporters. This issue is being taken very seriously.

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 4/24/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone I forgot to mention

That CAST meeting that the CAS cancelled because I insisted on going has been cancelled but I was informed by them in the less formal meeting that there will be another one scheduled in a couple of weeks time and of course they did not give me the date this would take place and was sure to mention that I was not to attend.  I am beginning to think that they don't want me there because they have details of my children's case they aren't being upfront with me about or they don't want me putting another monkey wrench into their plans to hold the accountable for what they say and do.  Either way they have agreed to hold a separate meeting with me to discuss what the "experts" have come up with and all the while deciding this without my presence.  Needless to say I will discuss this with my lawyer especially if the outcome is not satisfactory.

As for the police. I received a copy of the CAAP (Child Advocacy Assessment Program) report that confirmed my daughter's allegations of sexual harm from her step father (my ex) was "credible" and was quite intense with details as to why. It was extremely encouraging to read how strongly they supported my daughter and her allegations.  FINALLY some compassion and understanding of the true facts of our case after two years of hell being re-victimized by the CAS and police who I believe can be very ignorant of the statistics facing sexual assault victims.  Now a team of professionals trained to recognize mal-treatment in children have said that she is credible.  I was horrifed and sickened reading what happened to her again and even more details of what happened the day after the assault and how she felt. I feel so awful that my daughter went through these feelings and experiences.  I can promise now I will spend the rest of my life ensuring that never happens again. 

Anyway I dropped off a copy of the CAAP report to the police because they said when I get it I should forward it to them so they can decide whether they feel it provides enough information in order to re-open the investigation.  One thing the police were worried about is that somehow I may have "coached" my daughter in making these allegations. The report said that her description of the abuse does not support that claim of coaching because if that was the case than she was given the opportunity to ellaborate in her interview with them and make up more details in order to get my ex in trouble.    Instead she didn't and In fact my didn't give a lot of details about the sexual assaults and showed normal reactions when questioned of a child who was sexually abused. 

This is a small portion of the long awaited validation my daughter deserves!  Thanks CAAP team and thanks all of you for your ongoing support.  My daughter gave PWP the credit for helping her to come forward and tell her story of abuse. We will hold you all close in our hearts...

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 4/24/2010 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I got a call from the worker last week to tell me they cancelled the "CAST" Meeting ( Consultation and Support Team) as a result of my letter insisting that it was my right to be there. (Gee do they have something they don't want me to hear? lol) Anyway instead they offered to meet with me to discuss the concerns I have in further detail and to explain some things to me like when it is and isn't appropriate for me to attend a meeting they are having with respect to my family. I guess they felt that it wasn't appropriate to have the parent attend as one of the "experts" on her children.  I attended the meeting and here is basically what they said...

1. First they warned me that they would not be discussing the problems with my ex ( the abuser) in any detail because they know he wouldn't consent to my advocate or anyone else hearing the concerns.  So essentially they spoke to their legal department about third party disclosure.  They said they could only talk about the children.  My concerns in the letter that we were there to discuss were about my ex and his behaviour toward the children.  That was a bit of a joke.

My Response:   So we are having a meeting to discuss my ex and his access to the children but I can't talk about why I'm concerned?  Than why are we here?

2. Second was good news!  They informed me that the CAS heard my concerns and will be re-investigating (looking) at my daughter's case and my son's to see if there is room for a verification of the abuse given they have finally recieved the assessment they needed to help them.

3.  Third was also good news!  They questioned why I didn't want to disclose the report to my ex (the abuser). I explained the it was sensitive material relating the the sexual abuse allegations from my daughter toward him. My daughter didn't want him to have the information in the report (assessement) until the police decided whether they want to re-open their case given the new information stating her allegations of sexual harm are "credible".  She was also very fearful of his response given he has breached restraining orders in the past.  So the CAS decided they would speak with the police and co-operate if they wanted to re-open the investigation.  That is nice to hear but do I really believe this?  Not sure yet.

4.  Fourth the CAS decided they would be looking closely at whether they should be "verifying" the abuse which was contrary to their new opinion and reviewing the CAAP Assessment before they were going to even look at changing any access arrangements with the Ex to the children. So I guess their letter stating they supported "partially unsupervised access" between my son and his father has been put on hold.  The legal department must have moved too fast in allowing that decision.  CAS has been trying to cover their butts since receiving my letter which pointed out all their mistakes and my willingness to hold them accountable. Thank goodness for some common sense finally prevailing.

5.  Last but not least...the manager of this case has officially said and I think it was sincere, "Congradulations on slowing down the process and forcing us to look at what we are doing a bit closer.  That is not an easy task and you did it."  I think now that there is a female manager and she has children of her own there may be a bit more empathy on what it must be like for a mother to be fighting an uphill battle with CAS and her ex who is still a registered sex offender until 2011.  Yes in Canada they only have to be registered temporarily. 

One thing the CAS is not aware of is that they cannot release the report to the police in fear of third party disclosure but I was given a copy yesterday of the report.  When I gave it to my lawyer the look on his face was of complete surprise and elation!  He immediately smiled and asked, "How did you get this!" I told him how and won't disclose this right now because I don't want the public to know how in fear my ex will do the same to get a copy. But for now let's say that I had God on my side and was able to get the report without the CAS or my exes consent. ....my next message which I will post after the police make their decision will have details on the outcome of the CAAP assessment and how it affects me and my children.  Let's say I was not disappointed at the recommendations.  Thanks everyone for your support!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 4/15/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hey Everyone

The saga continues....

K refuses his visit with Dad ( the abuser)

K my son (8 years old) has been acting very strangely (moody / anxious since Friday) and actually didn't want to go to school or his visit with his dad today. VERY STRANGE because he has always liked going even though he has disclosed his father had in the past during unsupervised access sexually touched him.  This morning I had the worst time getting him to school to the point where he was kicking and crying. I felt so bad being stern with him and forcing him on the bus but he had already missed two full days of school this week and it was not working keeping him home.  When he arrived at school he was still crying a bit but managed the morning.  By lunch I get a call from the acting principal Mr G saying that K had left class to go to the bathroom and went directly to the office crying significantly and wanting to call mom to go home. I already informed the school that K had difficulty that morning and decided to go in and talk to them. Before going there the principal ageed to talk with K about home life and school to see if he was having trouble that he would be willing to talk about. I agreed and told the acting principal that I thought if he told K that if he came home sick he would not be able to go on the visit thinking this would encourage him to stay at school.  Turns out when the principal told K this he replied by saying, " I don't want to go to dad's because it messes with my head. I need a break."   It's strange that right after disclosures last month and than dad was informed of these that suddenly K needs a break.  So that was just the beginning.

Children's Aid Society ...Update

I called the CAS who supervises the access to inform them that K didn't want to go to access with his father and that he was having moodiness/ anxiety that was quite significant.  I informed them about the school situation too.  After that we discussed the CAAP report....YES IT CAME IN!!!!!! 15 months of participation in a very detailed examination from several professionals and 6 months of waiting for the report is FINALLY over!  Now I'm very hesitant in the fact that I don't believe that the Children's Aid will do what is right to protect my kids even with the Report.  Needless to say I asked the worker if she would forward a copy of the report to the detective involved in my daughter's case since it holds very important information with respect to her credibility of being sexually assaulted repeatedly by her step father J.H (my son's bio dad the abuser).  The worker S.F said she didn't think so but I could speak with my lawyer about that.  That is her famous answer when she is without a clue how to answer.  Anyway She did say she would speak with the supervisor and see if J.H was left alone at all with his son (like last time he fed K chocolate) and would get back to me.   She also said she would ask if K was acting strangely on any of the visits. I doubt this will be helpful but I'm not holding any concerns back anymore. I told the worker that when the supervisor leaves the room to get the Television for them to play Wii I felt this was a perfect opportunity for J.H to tell K not to continue talking about the sexual touching.  I told her that I felt someone should be in ear shot at all times and not just standing in the hallway.  She didn't say much but you could tell she was documenting and said she would get back to me. 

Lawyer's Appointment Today

I arrived at the lawyers and he asked me if I would sign a consent to release the CAAP Report to me and to Jack etc.  I said that I needed to call my daughter first because a lot of the information that was sensitive was her sexual abuse disclosures and I wanted to respect her choice not to have her abuser know about what she said especially since the police still wants this information to possibly re-open her investigation if it states she is credible in the disclosures. We already know it does.  The lawyer said he believes it will be VERY detailed and therefore it makes me more uncomfortable letting her abuser see her part of the report without the police first having an opportunity to look at it and determine if they are going to re-open the investigation. I do not want him having any idea of what she said and especially the details for his defense until it is absolutely necessary. My lawyer had me sign the consents after getting a very reluctant go ahead from my daughter but agreed to hold them until we hear from Detective K at the police department to see if they can get a copy first before anyone does. The lawyer also agreed to attend the CAST meeting at Children's Aid Society (meeting to determine the outcome of our case long term) which makes me feel absolutely incredible because I think they will be much more careful in their decisions with me, my advocate and my lawyer present.  I'm so damn tired of them trying to run me over with their bullying tactics and frankly I'm fighting back harder this time. I refuse to allow my children to be harmed further.  My lawyer liked that letter I posted of concerns and he was happy to hear that the developmental paediatrician agreed with my concerns and even stated his opinion that K needed to be supervised fully around his dad (abuser). This only goes to support my case in family court so I signed another consent allowing for the lawyer to contact him and get a letter stating the doctors opinion on top of the CAAP report. The doctor believes my son needs to be a lot older before he is less vulnerable. 

The Police Detective conversation

I could sense that the Detective was having a full night after three attempts to reach him and a bit of a hurried conversation. He asked me what new information I had with respect to the case with my daughter. I told him Detective K of the CAAP report being in and as usual the Children's Aid Worker has no idea what she is talking about or frankly lied when she said she couldn't release the report to the police.  The detective said that in fact the society is supposed to forward a report like this to the police especially when it adds to the case they have investigated.  I was annoyed with this and decided that tomorrow I will be asking the lawyer to send a letter to the Children's Aid suggesting they follow through with their obligation to give the report to the police first before releasing any report to the father (abuser) or even to myself.  I spoke with my daughter tonight before the detective to discuss the CAAP in more detail and what could happen so she was fully informed since she is 15 and has every right to say no to the release of that information.  She began just talking and talking about different concerns with respect to the abuse. She is so worried that if he gets a copy he will be "pissed." I told her we could be sure a better restraining order be put in place she commented that she sees her abuser driving near her old school and the streets around our house all the time!  I couldn't believe she never mentioned it. I was alarmed with this information and can understand that she is concerned he won't follow a retraining order because he never has in the past. She talked about knowing that her father ( the abuser) was still into child porn because one day he got mad at her when she used his computer and saw a pop up of porn with two young teen girls naked. She also saw a lot of young blonde and blue eyed girls around the age of four or five posing in weird positions but they were dressed.  My daughter said that she also just remembered that before he gave her the drink he used to drug her right before her sexual assault that he was on the computer and constantly turning the screen so she couldn't see what he was looking at. Than when she got up he shut the screen right off. She reports now that when he tickled her on his bed he also rubbed her bum and when he took photos of her and her brother often it was weird because it wasn't aimed at her face.  I think with all this new stuff her brother and her are coming out with it is very difficult to believe that this man is reformed and safer now.  I told the police detective all this information and hoped he would take this seriously because frankly I sick of hearing all the crap that has happened to my kids!  ARGH!  He said he would look into this and get back to me on Tuesday after speaking with the Detective that deals with my daughter's case.

Ok so today was a very busy day.......I hope you will all pray that things go better than ever expected!  I don't even care if charges happen...I just want my kids safe...both of them and I want to know that no other kids will be hurt....I hate to say I will settle with my kids for now.

Thanks for following our story!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 4/9/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I posted this last year and I felt that tonight I need to do this again......

APPRECIATION / WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT

"Appreciation"...means the "recognition of the quality, value and significance or magnitude of people or things."   To me it means I am taking a toll of all that is worthwhile in my life and giving it my fullest attention.  Today I give you all my fullest attention.  I appreciate you even if you don't love yourself right now.   I feel like you are suffering and don't always know the magnitude of your true value.  You are valuable and I care about you.  I know we are strangers now but we are not unlike one another.  I love all that you are.  YOU ARE A SURVIVOR and I love you! 

Blessings to you all! Mandee

Posted: 4/9/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

So our CAS worker says that she has no idea who will be on the team making very important decisions about our case and she also said I'm not invited to the meeting.  So a bunch of "Mystery People" who I can't see or talk to will be making decisions about my children's lives without me present....HMMMMMM WHAT????

I wanted to tell you how things were going with respect to the CAS meeting coming up.  As you may know I wrote a letter to the local Children's Aid Society recently expressing my discontent with their treatment of my son and daughter's sexual abuse disclosures and their overall treatment of our case.  After writing the letter there was a meeting scheduled for me to talk with my worker and her manager. That was cancelled a couple of days ago by the worker because apparently they are having a big CAST (Consultation and Support Team) meeting to review our entire file and make decisions about the future planning of our case. I was shocked and completely unsure how to feel when the worker called.  Anytime there has been any decisions made about my family it's always been in favour of my ex (the abuser) getting the long stick and my children getting the short end.

So as you can imagine I've had this deep level anxiety about them holding a meeting without any of my representatives or myself present.  Let's say my gutt is saying they are trying to back peddle and may even make our lives more difficult with their messed up decisions.  After all they aren't the ones sending their chidlren to be unsupervised with a Registered sex offender now are they?  No!  I wonder how they would feel if someone asked them to let my ex babysit for them? LOL We all know how that would go...yet they still gamble with the safety of my children....OK NOW I'M FUMING to the point where all I can do is feel like crying....

The great part about my training in Social Services is that I have friends who work in the field of Child Protection and since I have no clue on what the hell a CAST meeting is really about I called my friends.  One in particular works for another Children's Aid Society in my Province and she listened intently to that really long letter I posted for you all to read and gave me her thoughts.  She also said she thinks I have really stirred things up and now.  Her name is Maureen and she was worried that if they are having this kind of meeting why is it that "parents are not included."  That is what my worker told me when I asked if I could attend.  I guess she thought I would do what I always do and trust what she said. Well after her lies on March 16th, 2010 saying that my son would be supervised with his father and unsupervised wasn't being considered I guess I will have to go with my instincts.  My friend and my instincts said to write another letter. 

In this letter I essentially said that I'm going to attend this meeting on April 20th, 2010 since the Child and Family Services Act states that children and parents have the right to be heard and represented when decisions affecting our interests are being made. THAT WOULD MEAN I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ATTEND THIS MEETING!  So I told them of my right and said I will see them there unless they tell me I can't come and why in writing.  I even gave them a deadline of Thursday April 15, 2010 to respond or I'm showing up with a representative (lawyer / advocate).  Do you think they will like that if all they want to do is try to get themselves out of the hot water they are in for making really messed up decisions in failing to protect my son!   NO they don't want me there because it's a legal matter. I just needed to vent this out because I am so nervous about this meetings outcome but so proud of myself for standing up and making sure they do their jobs. I don't know why but I no longer feel intimidated by them or their power. HECK put me in jail, lock me up but for goodness sakes protect my damn kids because I am not stopping until they are safe! 

OK Venting is a relief eh?

Love you all and Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 4/8/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I just posted a very long message but I had to show you all what happened this week and how I kicked ass!  LOL  Thanks to the confidence I've gained from being on this site and staying focussed on the goal of protecting my children.  I'm nervous about the possible outcome of this meeting but hey what else could I do?  As for the CAAP assessment that we've waited six months for that will prove the abuse happened to my daughter it's coming this week and maybe early next week they said...HMMMM is this another broken promise? Please pray it's not because we are in desparate need of the report.

As for my personal GOOD NEWS .... We are expecting a girl (I'm 22 weeks pregnant) and her name will be ......

Jasmin Miah Konoronhkwa (Love in Mohawk Language)

Blessings Everyone and Thanks so much for your support...Please dont' strain your eyes reading my other entry LOL

Mandee

Posted: 4/8/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

This is the letter of "concerns" I sent to the Children's Aid Society here in Canada that seemed to rock the boat nicely because they aren't just meeting with me. The worker and her supervisor are first going to consult with a specialized "TEAM" to discuss their options.  Below is the letter I sent on behalf of both my children who were sexually molested by their father.  I hope you will give me feedback and this is for all those who didn't have the parent who will KICK ASS to anyone who wants to harm their children.  You children (adult survivors) are in my heart so deeply today...I posted this for you too!  I've changed the names to initials of my children K1 , being my oldest daughter who is 15 years old and K2 is for my son who is 8 years old. 

Dear Ms P & Ms F,

In response to our telephone conversation on March 23, 2010 I've put together a letter expressing my concerns in detail about K2's access to his father J.H.  there are many factors that have not been considered prior to the CAS decision to graduate access with K2's father to "partially supervised" as stated in the letter dated March 18, 2010.  Below under sub titles are the concerns I feel need careful consideration when addressing the issue of access but also unresolved concerns relating to our family unit.

J.H's HISTORY

J.H was convicted of Possession of Child Pornography in 2002 and served time in the H. Jail as a result.  Even after spending time in jail there were several police reports made as a result of his harassment.  He consistently breached restraining orders which held conditions to stay away from myself and my children.  Approximately three to four years ago Mr H.  participated in a Risk Assessment as recomended by the Children's Aid Society in order to obtain unsupervised access to both K1 and K2.  He was granted unsupervised access with the court ordered conditions to remain in his "aftercare maintenance program" regarding sex offences and if he stopped this program he would not be entitled to see his children.  This was put in place for the children's protection as the risk assessment Jack provided only referred to his risk of re-offending with Child Pornography and NOT with respect to sexually harming children.  This is an entirely different assessment that has never been done.

K1's HISTORY

K1 first began disclosing sexual abuse when she was only three years old from Mr H.  which was reported to the Children's Aid Society.  K1 agreed to participate in the CAAP Assessment (a very long assessment with a team of professionals to determine maltreatment of children) with the understanding that talking about her abuse would benefit her.  The assessment outcome in September of 2009 determined that she was indeed credible in her claims of sexual abuse from her step-father J.H.  This abuse occurred ongoing for several years from the age of three to twelve years old.  I would like the CAS to provide in writing why at this point K1's disclosures have not been verified by the CAS and why J.H has not been placed on the Child Abuse Registry. 

K2's DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS

K2 was born at 23 weeks gestation weighing only 1 pound 6 ounces and as a result has several medical conditions to contend with.  One in particular is a global (overall & more than one area) developmental delay.  As his mother I've had the opportunity to witness how this affects his everyday functioning and abilities to manage.  These delays have had a severe impact on his social, emotional, academic and physical well being.  With this being said I realize that his very good functioning (outwardly) can make it confusing for anyone who deals with him in short interviews like with the CAS and CAAP team.  This doesn't however negate the fact taht those cognitive impairments are still there and definately affect how he processes and discloses any and all information about events that occur in his life including the recent disclosures of sexual harm from his father J.H.  He uses several memory strategies that assist in his recall of events.  One in particular is (the) association of activities such as video games or movies to a trauma like abuse.  This is true in the case of his repeated discussion of being afraid of Pirates of the Caribbean and therefore a fear reaction to watching any and all movies which have been displayed (shown) at school or home.  This fear began in March 2007 after staying at his father's home for a sleepover.  Later on in March of 2010 K2 further discusses his fear of the movie and has now given more information as to what happened relating to the movie and sexual abuse from his father. This has yet to be investigated.

It is unfair to expect K2 who has cognitive impairment to have the capacity to understand an event or to disclose information like an average child would.  It was noted by Dr KDC his Developmental Paediatrician that it is likely K2 is more delayed than originally anticipated and therefore needs another psychometric assessment (test to determine intellectual abilities).  Even though I informed the CAS of this concern it was never acted upon before starting the CAAP assessment.  K2 is just getting the assessment recommended by the Paediatrician at the school this spring.  (so essentially they did a maltreatment assessment of my son without knowing if he could intellectually understand or disclose abuse!)

He has difficulty remembering details unless they are significant to the moment.  He lives in the moment and does not recall things to his memory unless they have an impact on today.  For example when K2 was in daycare they tried repeatedly to teach him his address.  Only when he realized that if he got lost and couldn't see mommy that he would need to know where he lived that is when he recited his address and kept it in his memory.  While working along side the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind ...yes my son is legally blind too)  they informed me that it is not uncommon for a child with delays to drop less important things to gain knowledge of others.  This was true for when K2 was learning to walk he stopped talking all together.  He knew how but didn't use the skill because he was learning another one.  So essentially K2 needs a reason to give you the information and retain it or he will forget it. 

This has definately affected his ability to disclose all at once and not in spurts like he has been.  On the other hand when there is something traumatic or exciting in his life he will retain and recall the information in detail.  Unfortunately in the case of sexual touching he may not have realized at the time the gravity of what was happening to him and could not re-tell what happened right away.  Now that he is beginning to understand that "bad touches"  are not normal he is starting to talk about it in more detail and showing signs of shame and self blame.  This is why L.F , Wassa Nabin Worker from the Indian Centre ( our advocate) recommended in our meeting on March 1, 2010 that with this new information coming out that K2 be referred to the Child Abuse Counsel immediately for assistance in his understanding of the events (so he doesn't think it's his fault) and his abilities to disclose.  This was supposed to be followed up with by S. F ( CAS worker) but there has not been a response since. 

Another issue is that K2 has been made aware by his father that people will be "mad at him" if he tells the truth about daddy touching his penis.  This has been difficult for K2 because he likes making everyone happy especially his dad who buys him candies and plays with him.  So when he recanted his story with C.M (previous CAS worker) he did this likely because he thought she was mad at him when she asked the clarifying question as to whether he was telling the truth or a lie.  As he gets older, discloses a bit at a time and has more interviews (practice) he is beginning to realize no one will be angry.  He is also no longer alone with dad where he can be influenced like in the CAAP assessment when dad told him the following, 

"  When you go to the 'hosbibal' with mommy don't tell them daddy touched your penis."  K2 stated this back in August of 2009 just after his last CAAP interview.

At this point it is safe to say that interviews for K2 may not be good but can also have an advantage.  I realize it was recommended by CAAP that the interviews stop and I agree that they are becoming redundant as nothing is put into context right away and therefore cannot be verified.  After speaking with you Ms P it is my understanding that there is no specific policy in accomodating children with developmental delays within the CAS although you do try.  As you can imagine this puts my son at a distinct disadvantage and place him further at risk of harm. 

K2 is vulnerable because of his delays and I would think that given your letter dated March 18, 2010 recognizing this that something would have been put in place already to assist Kenneth in his disclosures.  I think involvement with a professional who deals specifically in developmental delays and interviewing would be appropriate.  A good example of this failure to accomodate K2 is in the need for repeated interviews with untrained workers such as C.M and S.F who are not professionally trained in the disability K2 has.  Myself and other professionals involved in my son's case would have believed that an agency that deals with children who are from a diverse background and abilities would have policies in place already.  K2's human rights have been violated in my opinion and will be addressed if this cannot be resolved. 

According to studies in the U.S like ones performed by the National Child Trauma Network 1 in 30 sexual abuses are reported by children with disabilities such as mental delays as opposed to 1 in 5 in the average population.  It also states that a child with my son's impairments are 10 times more likely to be a victim of sexual abuse and because of their delays have difficulty reporting it.  By the legal department recognizing that K2 has delays in their letter most recently and yet still expects him to have the ability to put his abuse in context (regardless of their questioning)  in order to verify proves that his disabilities are not being accounted for or taken seriously.

There are many other factors in this case to make his disclosures probable.  Factors such as Jack's conviction of Possession of Child Porn in 2002 (when he pled guilty) shows his interest in sexually explicit material relating to children.  The undeniable detailed sexual abuse disclosures from his older sister K1 about her step father Mr H.  that was found credible by the CAAP team who are professionals.   The fact that K2 was able to disclose one incident that happened to him which occurred on a sleep over coincidently enough in the same month his sister reports her last sexual assault happened.  

RECENT SUPERVISED ACCESS

In our meeting on March 16, 2010  S. F  (present worker) explained to me that visits were going well over the last six months and that given the positive interaction between K2 and his father J.H the CAS will be reassessing the access arrangements.  It was at this time that I disputed her claim that access was going well and that I would not support going to "supervision at J's home with a parent support worker."  Even when I suggested that I felt this was a way to graduate J.H to unsupervised visitis S.F (worker) flatly denied this possibility.  I expressed that if this was the decision of the CAS that I would be looking for supervised access to be arranged in the community which would take time and likely disrupt K2's access to J.H. 

In the past six months K2 has been seeing his father in a superficial environment where most parents who use a child in the conflict would be on their best behaviour.  J.H has repeatedly bribed K2 with bags of candies and video games and in no way could anyone see the reality of what visits would be like without an access supervisor.  In K2's situation J.H still decided to breach a court order preventing J.H from giving his son chocolate.  This has been a deliberate and repeated offence harming his son K2 and causing severe stomache pain and hospital visits.  During those hospital visits K2 gets dehydrated from vomitting and is forced to endure an intervenous injection and medications.  This is abusive behaviours that are persisting even throughout supervised access.  I don't feel this situation has been acknowledged.  Since J.H has received countelss medical notes confirming the affect chocolate has on K2 and a court order hasn't prevented J.H from continuing this behaviour than what makes the Society think a few parenting tips from a parenting support worker would get him to respect his son's intolerances.   The following dates that I'm positive chocolate was given are March 30, 2008, June 1, 2008, January 4, 2009, January 9, 2009,  January 18, 2009 and lastly the most recent February 18, 2010.  there are countless more dates but don't have confirmation of.  I've attaached the medical report from the Hospital dated February 18, 2010 as a result of exasperated flu symptoms because K2 was given chocolate on this occasion without the knowledge of the supervisor.  The most disturbing part of J.H giving K2 chocolate on this occasion was that his son was already complaining of stomach discomfort.  This was not an accident.

Secondly J.H as shown proof that he is completely unwilling to communicate with K2's full-time caregiver / custodial parent in the spirit of ensuring that pertinent information is exchanged for K2's interst.  It is noted that even when the access supervisor notified J.H that there was a physician's note in the communication log and asked if he would read it that J.H flatly refused.   This is not a good sign that J.H has K2's medical concerns his priority.  What is also notable is that J.H has been given full consent to update himself with all physician's involved with K2 and chooses not to contact them and keep posted as to his son's medical conditions and their progress.  All caregivers involved with K2 must communicate timely and effectively for his protection.  Attached is a letter from our family physician regarding the necessity of communicating for your review along with the agreement made between J.H , CAS and myself with repect to using the communication log.  J.H has deliberately halted all communication over the last year which puts him way behind on K2's current needs.  This also proves that long term access unsupervised will not be safe or attainable.  I'm discouraged, with the history of this case and all things considered , that the CAS would consider anything other than fully supervised access with Mr H.

CAAP & RISK ASSESSMENTS

In my meeting with S.F (worker)  on March 16, 2010  she mentioned that J.H's lawyer sent a letter stating that even if the CAAP report came back (in writing , we've waited 6 months) that the assessment is six months old and outdated.   S.F (worker) said that a new assessment may be required.  I have participated willingly for over two years in completing this assessment along with the co-operation of my children.  I will not subject myself or children to further re-victimization.  I must comment however that if we are to compare assessments and their credibility we must than ask what good a four year old risk assessment (J.H's assessment enabling unsupervised access to occur) is.  J.H was given a risk assessment to determine his chance of repeated Child Pornography and after speaking with the assessor (R.G) about this specific assessment he emphasized that it was NOT to determine J.H's risk of harming children.  I think given J.H's history and K1's credible disclosures that a new risk assessment be required of J.H prior to any further unsupervised access decisions.  May I remind the Society that J.H took three court orders to attend his therapy which has still not been verified,  influenced his son's lack of disclosure to CAAP  and therefore need not be trusted with following through on any recommendations given by CAAP, CAS or physicians caring for his son.  

DISCLOSURES & FOLLOW UP

When I spoke with you Ms P (manager) about my concerns with the recent disclosures from K2 that have progressively become more detailed you stated that CAAP recommended that K2 not be interviewed that much.  I believe however that given light of the new information of Jack's influence on K2's lack of disclosure to CAAP and the recent three disclosures this past month that something has to be discussed.  A plan of how to address future disclosures needs to be put in place with detailed expectations of what and when I should report given I have this duty.   I realize it appears that I'd like to see K2 interviewed when in reality I feel conflicted because I need to report as a responsible parent and would prefer never to hear another allegation again.  Unfortunately given the situation where the CAS supports graduating to unsupervised access again I don't believe the disclosures will stop and given the history we may be faced with new ones.

CONCLUSION 

I'm extremely disappointed with the way that my children' s files have been handled thus far and will be more diligent in ensuring that the safety of my children are paramount in all decisions related to Mr H.  and his access.   I was shocked at how the Society has separated the issues between my children and their abuse (what is good for one isn't for the other) and feel that we should be considered one family unit when decisions are being made.  When my opinion about a referral to the parent support worker / home visits was ignored as stated in the letter by Ms T ( CAS legal dept) I was disturbed because I believe I'm still the custodial parent and have final say as to what services will be used for my children.  I have been keeping very detailed notes regarding all communication with the Children's Aid Society and those working closely on this case so to ensure that there is consistency in the service my children recieve.  I want to be confident that my children have the best possible outcome in this matter.   I look forward to meeting with yourself, S.F (worker)  and my Advocate to discuss possible solutions so I might continue to work along side the Society in the best interest of my children.  

Miigwetch (thank you)

Sincerely, ML

So I got a call today from our present worker S.F who informed me that they will be "reassessing" the decision to move visits to unsupervised and that they have a CAST meeting coming up ( Consultation and Support Meeting) where they will have the Director and a bunch of supervisors review our file and make a decision.  Than we will meet to discuss my letter.  Do you think I rocked the boat?  LOL

Blessings! Mandee   

 

Posted: 4/7/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: Other

I was told by a member today that  I'm letting this job get to my head and that I've been way out of juristiction with my responses to concerns. Would all of you who have concerns please email david at admin@pointswithpurpose or message me directly with them and I will do my best to handle them with ethics and integrity. If they are about my conduct I will forward them directly to David Ilan for his immediate review and I will not retaliate in any way as I don't feel that is appropriate. I do however feel that if I'm not doing a good job I need to step down and perhaps another member would like to take the safety of PWP on.

Just a quick reminder to refrain from giving out your personal information to members you do not know.  If you do please try to take precautions as to how much you share.  Thanks for understanding and I look forward to your feedback whether it be good or bad.  Blessings!

Blessings & Best wishes to you all

Mandee

Posted: 3/31/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Just wanted to say a personal goodbye to Shina our sister on PWP who encouraged us all kept her word even after her death.  I met her on PWP a while ago and we talked on the phone a couple of times. I know she had the heart of a Lioness ready to take on the world and just needed the one chance to do that. She drew a beautiful picture of an eagle just for me because I asked her to and emailed it.  She kept her word and did that.  She also told me she would tell all of us on PWP if something happened if she suddenly leaves us. Well she did that too!  I am so humbled to know that this PWP family was one very important place for her. I miss her already.  Most importantly I want to thank you Shina Kim for giving me a moment in your short life to know you.  Chi Miigwetch!  (Big Thank you)

Blessings! Mandee

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Posted: 3/27/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: concern

 We had a member today threaten the site by saying they would post very horrific pictures to scare people. If you see anything like this or have experienced any threats  at all I would appreciate that you message me immediately. I'd rather a false alarm than someone feel unsafe using PWP.  I have removed this user immediately (today) and will continue to keep close monitoring of this situation.  Thanks for your help in keeping our site safe for everyone. I don't edit content but I take these kinds of threats to the emotional safety of our users very seriously.

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 3/25/2010 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I want to let you all know that I have a great advocate who really cares about my kids welfare. WHEW!  She has written a letter that she is looking forward to sending to the Children's Aid Society on the behalf of my children. She tells me it's very forward and "says it how it is"...I like this lady so much and I think all your prayers are helping. Please don't stop praying!   She is definately a person God would send in our path to help. I never liked passive advocates...I will let you know how the letter is and if it's as kick a$# as she hopes when she sends the email of it tonight. I am so anxious and a dispute with the baby's daddy today just put me over the edge. C'est la vie!  (tis life)....I sometimes have to accept that some relationships are hopeless and that it's better to let go than to continue pushing something that keeps hurting.

I'm am thankful for those who never abandonned me and the kids. For those who stood by me even when I didn't deserve it. For those who love me unconditionally.  For those who encourage me when my heart sinks. And especially for the Lord who holds me steadfast in the midst of the storms I face.  I could thank the Creator of this earth for each and every little thing but I would likely bore you all LOL...!  BLessings and Hugs to you my supporters and survivors! Mandee

Posted: 3/24/2010 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

For those who are following this story of my son and his abuser I want to let you know what has happened today.  I heard from the Manager of my Children`s Aid Society Case file for me and the kids.  She is kinder than the last manager and seems to be willing to listen. She said that she may not be able to go back on the decision given the society has their `policies` but that she will at least be able to understand better what has happened and what is happening. I was encouraged that she at least felt it important to meet with me and my worker to discuss the outrageous decision to have ``partially supervised`` visits instead of fully supervised with my daughter`s abuser and her brother K`s abuser.  It`s been a terrible battle over the last two years and anyone who wants to go back and read what has happened is welcome to follow my previous messages as they tell a very long story.

We discussed the many concerns I had but the manager and I both agreed we were going in circles and needed to meet. I didn`t tell the manager yet that I intended to have the two advocates involved in this case to attend with me. If there is one thing I`ve learned during this mess is that if you don`t have an advocate you put yourself at risk of lack of accountability.  If there is an advocate the CAS is less likely to give me the run around and more likely to co-operate in a more respectful way. I feel these two advocates have valuable knowledge and input about my children and this case that needs expressing. I will post how that meeting goes. In the meanwhile the one Advocate named Lori is a strong woman who is eager to advocate for the rights of my daughter and her brother.  I`m so relieved that this warrior has come into this at this moment. Thank you all for your prayers and I ask that you continue to pray for me and the kids in this battle because we deserve to be free from further abuse. If my son is put into another situation where visits become unsupervised I`m afraid that this will bring us back so far from the progress we have all been making the last five months. It`s awful that they gamble with my son and his safety. I wonder if they would leave their children with my ex...that has always been my biggest question and than I`d ask why they would do this to my child.  I will keep you posted.

Blessings Everyone

Mandee

Posted: 3/22/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

THE LETTER

"The mother reported to the society a few weeks ago that K again disclosed that his father touched his 'privates'. Assigned Family Services Worker S  met with K in light of this new report.  K could not provide any context as to when this took place despite being asked several questions such as what the weather was like when this happened, what season it was, what time of year it was.  The society was unable to pursue the disclosure further as it was not clear as to whether it was a repetition of  previously investigated disclosures. "

" Given the above information, the Society takes the position that the father's access can be moved to partially supervised visits, with the participation of a Parental Support Worker.  The role of the Parent Support Worker will be to continue working with Mr H. regarding his understanding of the developmental needs of K and appropriate parenting given these needs."

I got this letter in the mail from my lawyer today with respect to what the Children's Aid Society here in Canada is doing to protect my son from further harm.  First and foremost anyone who has followed my son's story (he is eight years old) knows that K is developmentally delayed and has several other impairments such as hearing and vision loss.  So the Children's Aid society has decided not to verify the repeated sexual abuse allegations toward's my son's father (Mr H.) because K cannot put the sexual harm into "context".  All along I've complained that the society is treating my son as if he has no delays and in fact is expecting him to essentially walk without having any feet!  For goodness sakes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind fighting this never ending up hill battle. 

The Worker said "privates" which I NEVER said. I actually said my son told me it was "bad touches" and that it was his "penis" that was touched.  So they made a mistake with that comment.  What the worker S fails to clarify is that day we had an advocate over from the Regional Indian Centre observing the Children's Aid Interaction with my family and we both noted K was a bit difficult and really didn't feel like talking. Even the worker admitted that K ended the interview before she even got the chance to asking him any further clarifying questions. K just didn't feel like talking so his disabilities and attention difficulties are now working against him and not being taken into account. 

That isn't the real kicker here.  The Children's Aid society has an assessment coming that states what is best for my son is supervised access for TWO reasons. 

1)   K has medical concerns the father refuses to acknowledge leaving my son K at  risk of serious injury

2) K has developmental delays that makes him more vulnerable to harm and given his sister's disclosure of Sexual assault from K's father

So the Society has addressed the parenting issues (very poorly I might add) considering dad (the alleged abuser) doesn't have to communicate with the custodial parent and can give his son K things that make him violently ill landing K in hospital last month.  Second the Society has NOT addressed the issue of vulnerability and ignored the whole section of the assessment of maltreatment of my daughter that states the very man who they are supporting "partially unsupervised" access visits for with my son K has sexually assaulted a 12 year old girl and reportedly touched my son K's privates too!

Today I was furious!  Today I decided that if a Registered Sex Offender has rights to molest both his children and get away with it because his son is developmentally delayed and he managed to scare the pants off his daughter than I have the right to say "NO". 

NO I WON'T SEND MY SON TO HIS FATHER'S UNSUPERVISED...YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY!

(please excuse the language..I needed emphasis on that and since it's my blog I can do that)

The saga is only progressing and the scary part is I trusted the worker S who told me it was "fully supervised" at dad's house with the parental support worker and that it was only an option and not a decision.  The society went without my consent and are going to refer my son to this supported access. I called and told them again that they don't have any of my consent to refer my son anywhere.  I won't be supporting any partially or unsupervised visits and will likely be going back to court to begin this nightmare all over again.......please pray for this to turn out better than we can expect and that a judge will find this all crazy and stop this nightmare for me and the two children. 

Good news is that with all this stuff happening with my son K and his four disclosures now it's triggered my daughter (not so good) and she is willing to go to counselling (really good)!

Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 3/21/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

Recently I was forced to delete an account of a user that David and I both felt posed a threat to the safety of PWP.  Would you please notify me of any concerning messages that seem hostile or abusive in any way. This is extremely important as this user has already contacted me with yet another account (her 3rd or 4th) to be confrontational.  I will do my very best to keep a close eye on those who become abusive and I need your help to do this. I'm not sure if it's ethical to tell you who the user was but if you all have thoughts on this I would appreciate them.  I assure you that it is extremely difficult to convince David and I to remove any account as we truely want you all to feel comfortable saying and posting exactly what you like (in acception to harming other users).    Thanks so much!  Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 3/18/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Today seemed alright and K seemed ok too.  That is until the Volunteer Driver from the Children's Aid Society named Bill came to get K for his weekly supervised access visit with his dad ( the alleged abuser).  When the driver arrived K didn't show an interest in getting off the couch and when I pressed the issue of him getting ready so he could see his dad he began crying and placing his face in his sleeve.

I asked him if he was alright because all the other access visits seemed to go over without too many issues.  But the one visit only the day after disclosing new information about a sexual assault from his father was a return of old patterns of anxiety like when visits were not being supervised.  K continued to cry for about 15 minutes and nothing consoled him. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't know. I felt his head and he didn't seem to feel hot or look sick.  It was a sudden change in behaviour as soon as the driver showed up for access.  I tried Juice, a snack and even toys to bribe K into going with the driver. Still this didn't work.  After several hugs and repeated returns to the couch K was at the door and hugging me again.  While at the door he said, " I'm gonna miss you."  I reassured him that the visit was only two hours and that he always has fun on his visits with dad.  I wrote in the communication log that I send with him that K was moody and that if he got worse he could come home.

The volunteer driver told K that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to.   But K reluctantly agreed to go and left with the driver. It broke my heart to watch him leave like that. The weird part is that until tonight after a good cry I didn't even think about why my son could have been crying.  I remembered that when Kwas having unsupervised visits with his father (the abuser) K would always ask if I was writing what he told me (referring to the sexual abuse) to his dad in the book.  (meaning communicatiion log).  He was afraid his dad would get mad for telling their secret. I forgot to tell K that I wasn't writing anything he disclosed the night before in the book and that it was safe to go and see his daddy because he didn't know!  OH MY GOODNESS ! So I sit here and wait until my son comes home but it's too late to reassure him.  ARGH I can sometimes forget he needs that kind of reassuring given his delays. 

Anyway I'm done for this entry and frankly with all this SHIT! Ok I'm fricken angry...

Mandee

 

Posted: 3/17/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone here is what happened tonight at dinner when my baby's daddy and I were eating dinner and K was playing the Wii beside us in the living room.

I was talking to K about visits with his daddy and how he would feel about it with a worker at his dad's house.  K wants his visits at his dad's house instead of the CAS centre because they don't have the PS3 game and daddy can't bring his games there.  He said that the television they have won't hook up to it.

During the conversation which was natural I asked him if he would feel safe at dad's house. 

K responds by saying Yes, cuz Mariah and Kedra come over everytime almost. 

I asked, " And when they aren't over do you feel safe?"

K replies, " Only when I'm bad daddy does bad touches and I won't be bad."

I ask, " What are bad touches K?"

He says, "  When daddy he touches my penis."

I asked, " What do you mean when you are bad?  What do you do thats bad?"

K responds, " When I slept over at dad's house and he was sleeping in his bed. I went into his room and woke him up.  Dad got mad and gave me bad touches because he doesn't like it when I wake him up. "

I asked, " When did this happen?"

He said, " When I was watching pirates of the carribean and I went to wake him up."

K has been scared of movied ever since.

Blessings!@ Mandee

Posted: 3/17/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone here is what happened tonight at dinner when my baby's daddy and I were eating dinner and K was playing the Wii beside us in the living room.

I was talking to K about visits with his daddy and how he would feel about it with a worker at his dad's house.  K wants his visits at his dad's house instead of the CAS centre because they don't have the PS3 game and daddy can't bring his games there.  He said that the television they have won't hook up to it.

During the conversation which was natural I asked him if he would feel safe at dad's house. 

K responds by saying Yes, cuz Mariah and Kedra come over everytime almost. 

I asked, " And when they aren't over do you feel safe?"

K replies, " Only when I'm bad daddy does bad touches and I won't be bad."

I ask, " What are bad touches K?"

He says, "  When daddy he touches my penis."

I asked, " What do you mean when you are bad?  What do you do thats bad?"

K responds, " When I slept over at dad's house and he was sleeping in his bed. I went into his room and woke him up.  Dad got mad and gave me bad touches because he doesn't like it when I wake him up. "

I asked, " When did this happen?"

He said, " When I was watching pirates of the carribean and I went to wake him up."

K has been scared of movied ever since.

Blessings!@ Mandee

Posted: 3/16/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I lost it and broke down during a Children's Aid appointment today. I got news I didn't expect but I was worried would come.  Right in the beginning I told CAS that I was worried that access through the CAS centre may lead to my ex using them in his court battle to regain unsupervised access by going through yet another "program" for parenting and suddenly all the concerns would "disappear" and I'd be left fighting in court again to protect my son.  I told them I don't believe he will change and no amount of parenting courses could improve his lack of empathy for his son or children in general given his charges of possession of child porn and the allegations of sexual abuse from not one of my children but BOTH.   

The worker told me today that the supervised access is being reviewed and they are considering graduating to a different kind of access for K.  So essentially this is how it's going to work ...My son will no longer be supervised in the professional building at the Children's Aid.  Instead they feel my ex has had such good interaction with his son over the last six months that access can now graduate to the exes home environment where a "Personal Support Worker" will accompany my son.  The workers role would be to help my ex cope with the difficulties that come up with parenting.   Than after several weeks or months there will be another re-assessment where well do you all know what the next level would be??  Without confirmation from the CAS worker I can tell you it is....  YES you guessed it....UNSUPERVISED ACCESS!! 

It's been only six months of supervised access and during that time my ex has deliberately gone against a court order feeding my son Chocolate that K already has an intolerance to.  This happened directly after my son was already complaining of pain in his stomache when arriving for access.  The ex gave him chocolate when the supervisor left the room. Yes you heard me the supervisor left the room.  So essentially the CAS worker said that they noted it but that they don't consider feeding a child something he has an intolerance to and ended up in hospital from "cause for concern."  So the saga continues..... 

During this past six months my ex has flatly refused to communicate in a communication log even though it is recommended by the CAS and physicians as being in the best interest of my son given the seriousness of his special needs and developmental delays.  Can you imagine what the ex is like without a supervisor assisting in the access issues? He will worsen and continue to harm my son in ways I can't prove.

So at this point....

This means my ex can refuse to co-operate and now "graduate" to another level because my son and him have had good interaction over the last six months.  Yes my son is no longer complaining of sore stomaches or sore penis' and no major injuries have occured.  And that is because its well ummmm visits are SUPERVISED!  For goodness sakes what am I supposed to do?  Keep supporting access that will eventually be recommended by CAS that dad is ready to  get unsupervised visits with his son even though I am completely convinced he deliberately sabatoges all my attempts to keep a safe and healthy child.  This is even documented by the Children's Aid.  Do you know their reasoning for this decision to reassess access supports?  Resources, they say that this was set up to be temporary and that even though it's not my fault the assessment is not ready for the courts they still have to decide on the next steps for K's access with his father. 

So anyone who doesn't know what has happened. I've spent over two years in court and children's aid society meetings (about 75 meetings) and went through a parenting capacity assessment and child maltreatment assessment that was tormenting for 18 months all for...you guessed it ...less than a years worth of supervised access!  During the assessment they determined that my parenting was suitable. My exes was not because he wasn't taking my son's medical conditions seriously.  My daughter who was assessed for maltreatment from this team of professional child psychiatrists, doctors and social workers trained in abuse recognition all have decided that her story of repeated sexual assaults.  My daughter was also seen as credible in her claim of being drugged and raped only less than three years ago from this same man (my son's father).  He is a registered sex offender convicted of possession of child porn !  So all this put together doesn't lead them to have a cause for concern!  You heard me they think all this guy needs is a few parenting tips!!!!

God could someone just fricken shoot me!  Could someone please just fricken give me another mushroom so I can fall down the rabbit hole and live in the land that Alice did?  Does this make any sense to any of you?

Here is my response...

NO WAY !  If you change access I will not be supporting that whatsoever. There will be no assistance from me in getting dad closer to unsupervised access if this means I stop it all together and face the consequences.  Unfortunately sometimes this means that his happiness and safety don't always agree.  K is not old enough to take care of himself or protect himself from harm.  I am stuck against a wall in this situation and if put there I will be forced to stop access because I cannot see myself assisting in my exes manipulation to get unsupervised access when I know he will never change. It's obvious in his refusal to co-operate. I think that if this manipulation continues I will be forced to look at what is best for K long term. Going back to court less than a year because my son was harmed again during an unsupervised access visit is not going to be the outcome if I can help it.  My ex is not the one who had to cope with vision and hearing loss last year when he had a head injury in dad's care or the hospital visits from vomitting the MacDonald's and chocolate dad was deliberately feeding him.  My goal is to keep my son safe and happy. Transitioning back and forth for years from supervised to unsupervised will cause a lot of regression in my son. In the end I think long term supervised access or none at all is the best answer for this situation.  If I don't get assistance I will stop this fight and let them take me to jail.  Or fine me ( a person with no money anyways lol).  I guess that solution would be a better option right?  Fine and put the only caregiver my son has in jail...FOR GOODNESS SAKES!  OK I'm done venting...what do you all think?

Mandee is fuming~!  ( all my work seems pointless, maybe if I'm a bad guy I can get the support I need to protect my kids?)

Blessings! Mandee

 

 

 

Posted: 3/11/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

As a Woman who is First Nations if I had to pick a chant that made my spirit feel as I do as a survivor I would have to pick this one...plz feel free to listen to it and comment on how it makes you feel?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_baloCb-nM

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 3/11/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

This song is from a Christian band but I'm sure you have all heard of them.  You can interpret it as holding onto God, a loved one or even a friend!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st2mxQusLvA

Enjoy and get your kleenex...

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 3/10/2010 - 8 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I just wanted to let you know that a small part to our fight is being announced LIVE in Toronto Canada today about a number of arrests in a world wide Child Porn Ring. For all those who have been affected by childhood sexual abuse you know how fricken exciting this is.  The only concern is now how much jail time will they really get?!!  Anyway please celebrate with me in the small victory Canadian's have had in the Child Porn fight!  Keep your heads up and break the silence!

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 3/9/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: Update

Dear Survivors & Supporters

As Site Administrator I'd like to introduce myself to those who don't already know me.  My name is Mandee and I've been a Survivor of ongoing sexual abuse since I was a toddler right up until only a few years ago. I was born in Canada to an Aboriginal father and Caucasion mother which has truly enriched my cultural experience.  I became a Christian when I was seventeen and struggled for many years with my understanding of God's role in my life and the abuse I suffered so as a result this has further developed my acceptance of all faiths, opinions and beliefs.   I'm a mother of three beautiful children and have post secondary training in the field of Social Services (counselling).  I found Points With Purpose in November of 2007 when I was searching for answers to my own journey to healing and became a DOT Member under the alias of Mandee32.  During that time I've developed relationships with several Survivors and Supporters in which I hold close to my heart that has helped in my own personal recovery.  I welcome you to visit my profile anytime to learn in more detail of who I am and what I've experienced.

My role on Points With Purpose is to assist David Ilan who is the Site Creator and Artist in this project.  I will be ensuring that the site runs as safely and efficiently as possible for all users by answering any concerns or questions you might have.  My best effort will be put forward to assure everyone is treated with caring and respect.  If you need to report any abuses or have a comment you will find a link on each page that you can use to notify me.  Just a reminder to new users that there are privacy settings I recommend you set up when you begin using points with purpose that you can change at anytime. If you need any help with your account set up please feel free to contact me anytime and I will do my best to resolve the issues. 

Thank you all for your kind welcome into this role as Site Administrator. 

CHI MIIGWETCH (Big Thank You)

Mandee

Posted: 3/6/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I've posted a couple of messages today because I've felt led to do that and yet I forgot to offer to pray with anyone online that may want prayer. You don't have to believe to ask for prayer...sounds strange eh? I'm no Pastor or anything and I know that a lot of people believe in different things.   If this isn't good for you that is ok with me too.  I would just like to offer a bit of spiritual support to any survivor who would like it.

Just message me and tell me what you would like prayer for and I will pray and message you the prayer back for you to agree with me if you like.  Thanks for being a part of my healing journey everyone! Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 3/6/2010 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I recently decided not to hide the healing power God had in my sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I think that we have covered many ways to healing on this site and after two years of witholding this healing power in my life I felt it was important to talk about my spirituality and it's role. I know this may stir up a lot of feelings given the sensitivity of the topic so I hope as survivors we can all put our personal feeling aside and support one another no matter what the opinion. Please take from my experience what you like and leave the rest.

 I spent years asking myself "where was God when those men hurt me?"  I spent a lot of time asking, " Why did God not stop what happened since he is all powerful?"  Those were some really tough questions and I can only share what reconciliation I had with those question through a vision I was given when I was in my twenties.  I began attending a small local church when I was living in the midst of the nightmare of rapes and abuses from my ex who as you all may know already is now a registered sex offender convicted of possession of child pornography.  I was trapped in this cycle of chaos and abuse that no matter what I did I could not escape.  At this church there was probably 8 members total including the pastor and his wife.  So I was so blessed that this pastor would come to my home ( I was agoraphobic from the abuse and couldn't leave my house) and teach me that God was real and present today.  I didn't share with this pastor what I was experiencing but I think he knew. I know now this Pastor was the person God put in place to help me after all those cries out to him.  To the pastor's misfortune because his congregation was so small I was rescued from a lifetime of abuse.  I to this day think that God made it that way so I had the one on one support I needed.  Isn't it awesome that God would bring a church to almost a breaking point for just one soul like mine?!

Anyway this man spent two years counselling me and showing me God's word. His wife was a background support that I will always be grateful to as well.  Needless to say one day while he was praying for me I felt my eyes close and my heart ask all those crazy questions to God.  What happened? Why did you abandon me?  Why was I hurt as a little girl?

His answer astounded my soul....He showed me a vision..this vision was of me at four years old. I had forgotten this little girl and what she used to like to do so it was very neat to watch myself play at four.  I was looking down on me at four years old from the heavens like God did.  I was watching me with half my body waist up in the linen closet with my bear rug sleep over zippered bag full of stones.  The closet was too small for me to fit entirely in but I still managed to snuggle as much as I could into the closet.  While in there I could hear the distant screaming of my parents voices while things were being thrown around. 

Normally after their fights one of them would come upstairs and take their anger out on me and my older sister ( 6 years old).  So it was normal for me to want to hide.  So while in this upstairs linen closet no more than maybe a 2 feet deep I pulled out each and every stone (pebble) I found on the beach and each little shell.  While doing this I would examine them and pretend I was a princess in a far away land.  Each shiny sparkle in the stones were gold that made me a rich princess.  Well just now I realized why I don't like it when a man calls me princess..oh my goodness...because I used to be a princess to hide from the abuse.  I get it...

Sorry back to the story...

While praying and watching as if I were God for a moment I felt something that was so deep. I felt God's heart, his grief and sorrow for that little girl he created to be loved and cherished.  I felt my chest heave in sorrow and I began to cry uncontrollably and yet they weren't my tears.  They were God's tears. He created me to be loved and my parents chose differently.  He created me to be treated with kindness and since he gave my parents free will to go against God's plan He didn't stop the abuse.  He did however use it for good later.   God spent each moment with me grieving the losses from my parents sins against me and is in the process grieving the losses from the men who assaulted me.  God also gave me one other thing when I was a child and suffering that I never realized until this day...the gift of imagination. The gift of imagination let me escape into a world that was safe and that cherished me as God does. I am God's princess!

I pray that you experience the reconciliation with God as I did that day so you can tap into his healing power as I did.

Blessings! Mandee

 

 

 

 

Posted: 3/6/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I was doing a daily devotional today that I thought might be worth sharing with you all.  It was called "clothed in righteousness".  Yes that is the big word for clothed in holiness or cleanliness.  I read the devotion and wasn't really getting into it because the message was simple and to the point.  When I accept God into my heart and I'm baptized than I'm clothed in Jesus Christ who is immortal.  So essentially when I accept God into my heart I am no longer dying and mortal but rather living and eternal.  Yes that was the message....but then well it didn't seem right I should stop there so I tried to ask myself how this pertains to my life here and now.

Well since the sexual abuse I walked around clothed in fear, shame, self hatred and anger.  No one ever told me that I could replace those things with something much more pleasurable.  I didn't know I could ask to drop those old clothes and put on the joy and peace I have now knowing God.  Since I know a lot of people may not believe in the God I love who I call Jesus I'm hoping that you will consider the meaning behind the message anyway.  We survivors can surrender our old clothes and put on something much better.  That is the hope in this message. 

Blessings! Mandee

 

Posted: 3/5/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Just today I contacted my local news dept to ask them to cover the story of David Ilan, his drawing and the website that is saving lives called points with purpose.  If you can't write a letter maybe you would consider sharing your story with an anonymous identity by contacting your local news department.  Tell them how Points with purpose has helped you?  We need to reach other survivors and this is one sure way to do that!

Blessings,

Mandee

Posted: 3/5/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

William Morris Agency
One William Morris Place
Beverly Hills, California 90212
USA

Hi Everyone

This is the address to the Agency that works directly with Eve Ensler a survivor but also the creator of the "Vagina Monologues".  It was her play that encouraged David to create this project.  She is famous for this and her charity called v-day makes millions of dollars to prevent violence against women and sponsor projects around the globe.  I was hoping if enough of us write she will be able to sponsor points with purpose to help cover the high cost of advertising that David is using to reach survivors and tell them we exist.  Since it was her play that spurred on this project it would be nice if she could help continue the cause with us.  One day soon I hope we can finish the drawing!  Please take a bit of time to write and the cost of a stamp or two.

Blessings & Prayers to you all

Sorry no email address was given so we are stuck writing snail mail.

Mandee

Posted: 3/4/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Dr Phil showcased a horrific sexual molestation story about a trusted pediatrician who video taped and violently molested 104 children over a ten year span.  There were many complaints made from other professionals about his sexual conduct toward these children for several years before his final arrest in 2010.  Please take a moment to message Dr Phil at the following site..preferably on the Ask Dr Phil section to ask him to showcase David Ilan's project and the Points with Purpose web site that has been helping thousands cope.  Maybe Dr Phil can refer these families who have been so traumatized and others who watch to our site.  Maybe he would be good enough to introduce David to the entire viewing audience by having David on his show?  Can you all support this so we can show Dr Phil that there is an interest in stopping the silence.  Blessings! Mandee

http://www.drphil.com/contact_main/

Posted: 3/4/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

For all of you who have been faithfully following my story of myself and children fighting my abuser in court and the child protective services I wanted to update you all on a small victory.  For the past two years I was accused of causing my son's outbursts, trouble in school and his increasingly strange / angry behaviour.   Instead of believing me as his mother who has never abused my child they accepted that my son was reacting to my anxiety and anger about the sexual abuse allegations and conflict.  Instead of acknowledging that my son was acting out as a result of being sexually harmed on a regular basis they would rather attributed it to the mother who is trying to protect her son.  Ok so now the good news!

I won the fight for supervised access with my son's abuser so his father can no longer molest him. During the past two years after the court ordered my son to unsupervised access visits with his father who at the time was and is a registered sex offender my son's academic and behavioural progress suddenly stopped. In fact he regressed as I had been complaining about to child protective services.  Well now that my son is being supervised to my DELIGHT and I hope to their Surprise, my son's reading level increased an entire grade!  His behaviours and confidence had improved drastically and well I'm just tickled pink!  Yes I said that , tickled pink.  I'm so relieved that it's working and K is feeling better as it's obvious at home and in school.  The penis infections, redness and sore stomaches have completely stopped.  He is happier and not as arguementative and physically abusive to his friends and family.  He is returning to himself again. The only times I contend with his behaviours is on Thursdays when he sees his abuser (I mean father).  I have spent the last two years subconsciously blaming myself for his regression in behaviour and believing these stupid social workers who tell me that I'm the cause of my son's regressive behaviours etc.  I was devestated and as a result ensured not a damn word negatively was ever spoken about my son's father even when not in his presence.  Yet all of this never worked.  I knew deep down but had no proof why he was regressing.  NOW , NOW I can say FUCK YOU!  Yes I just said that...oops!  Sorry guys I just had to emphasize that we won't continue to be re-victimized and dammit they can't say that I'm the cause anymore. 

Ok feeling relieved, happy and sad now...just sad that we had to go through all of that to get where we are today...all of that re-victimization.  Blessings Everyone!  Mandee

Posted: 3/4/2010 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

As some of you know I'm an Aboriginal woman who lives in Canada.  My father is Native and my mother is English.  I'm proud of both my English and Native sides and honour them both equally now that I've recaptured my identity that was so sadly stolen from my father's line.  To update you all there is a debate with the Canadian Government that they would like to change the National Anthem from " in all our son's command" to something less insulting to women.  Something more universal and politically correct.  Well let's say that struck a nerve in me that has triggered some generational pain. 

My grandmother was placed in residential school where she was abused and has a paralyzed arm.  Her parenting suffered and she was brainwashed into believing that being Native was dirty.  If you don't know the history of Canada I will explain a bit so you can understand the impact of the above.  Canadians are actually foreigners to the country of Canada (Iroquoian word meaning Village).  The Europeans from France, England and other places came over and brutally stole the land from those weaker than them.  They placed these Native people on reserves of land that was useless in hopes they would die or become assimilated into the New World of Canada.  When that didn't work the Native people were given thousands of blankets infected with Small Pox in hopes to kill them off.  When that genocide didn't work they created Government funded schools and created laws that forbid native children from eating, sleeping or even acknowledging their spiritual and cultural lives.  Children were taken from their homes and placed in these schools to assimilate into the white community while some of them were never re-united with their families.  A lot of children were abused for speaking their native tongue and sexually abused.  So I guess this entry is relevant to PWP.  The government recently issued an "apology" to the native people for the abuse in these schools but NOT for the schools themselves!  Do you believe this?  Anyway back to the National Anthem..

" O 'Canada, Our home AND Native Land".......hmmm did you read that right?  Yes the government is calling Canada their Native Land which is misleading and not politically correct.  So while we are changing the National anthem can we also change the words home and native land to ..." O'Canada our home ON Native Land"  ? 

If you would like to hear more about the abuses our people have suffered as a result of the many attempts to assimilate Native people in Canada and the U.S I would be happy to share what I know.  I do know however that sexual abuse from priests, nuns and teachers was an awful reality in these schools.  What makes this story even worse is that the last government "Residential School" was only a half hour drive away from me closed down only in 1996!  

I needed to vent this today...thanks!

Blessings, Mandee

Posted: 2/27/2010 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

To clarify, PWP is as safe a site as can be made possible.   I want to formally let everyone know that if you don't set your privacy settings your profile may be found by google search.  This is not uncommon for any site like FB, Myspace and even PWP.  We have the privacy settings on the right upper side of your profile and you can click on the "privacy settings" option ( with picture of lock and key) and adjust it so that only you and a select amount of people can view your profile.  If you are like me and want those who are hurting to read your story than you can pick an anonymous name and allow anyone searching sexual abuse to find your profile by clicking "everyone" can see my profile.  I like this setting but this is not for everyone.  The great part is you do have a choice and this site is still being made as safe as possible.  If you feel unsafe or believe your safety has been threatened please feel free to message David and he will be sure to help you.  Thanks!

Blessings! Mandee

 

 

Posted: 2/24/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Here is the update for today's interview with my son. I'm sorry it took so long to post but as you can all imagine this is an emotional rollarcoaster and I just needed time to absorb what happened. I guess I'm still trying to accept that I couldn't protect my son from his father's sexual abuse.  It's a devestating reality that I know we will overcome but for today I am sad.

The CAS worker involved in the interview is our regular worker that comes every month so she was a bit more familiar than if a stranger came. My advocate and I met with her first and talked about the events of the past two weeks and the visit concerns.  Than I brought up to her my concerns about the questioning of the previous worker, my son's developmental delays and how it impacted the outcome of the last interview.  I gave her some idea of what I was worried about and asked her to reframe the whole "truth and lie" form of questioning. She seemed to understand and I think her approach was much more sensitive to K's delays.  She agreed to spend time explaining the truth and lies in a more game like manner giving my son more confidence.   Now down to what happened....

K did tell the worker that when he is at his dad's house that "bad touches" happen.  K told the worker where the bad touches were by pointing to his penis. The sad part about that was my son referred to his penis as a "bad place."  I think now that I know he feels that way I will be working gently on letting him know that not one of his body parts are "bad".  I'm glad that came out because at least now I know how he is feeling about himself so something good did come out of this.  As for the disclosure, well that is all he could say. He could not tell them when it happened , what season it was or whether it was day time or night time.  This means that he couldn't put it into context for the worker which was the issue for the police. They don't know if this is an older disclosure that was already investigated or if this is a new one that he is talking about so I don't believe they will be doing anything except continuing on with the supervised visits and the recommendations from the CAAP team.  (professionals who assess abuse of children)

My son did say he was watching t.v when it happened which is a familiar statement that he made last year when he disclosed sexual touching. It was his first time talking about the abuse so I can imagine that this is imbedded in his memory and makes his allegations more credible.  With his delays he normally remembers things that he interprets as more "exciting or traumatizing".  So he has connected watching television with his dad to sexual abuse.  The rest of the details are forgotten because to him they aren't relevant which is very characteristic of how K's memory works.  He remembers by "triggers" would be the best way to describe it.  Sadly the police and child protective services don't make exceptions for disabilities and that really sucks!

So essentially the CAS worker did not promise anything more could be done for my son K and instead recommended I contact my family doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist for some play therapy which may help him to deal with what happened or remember in more detail. I don't know exactly the benefits of him remembering except maybe to stop the access all together and get some charges pressed against his father.  I will let you know what the worker says the CAS will do tomorrow.  I'm pretty sure it will be NOTHING.  Sadly I don't think there is anything they can do and it will be up to me to bring this up to my lawyer and propose to stop access. Difficulty is I can never reach my lawyer. 

Now that I've talked your eyes off I will leave on a more positive note.... K seems to be feeling more comfortable talking about his abuse.  The worker said once in a while she noticed he would start to shut down but he did talk about it.  That is a good thing!  The shame in this comes from secrets....

Thanks for your support everyone!  Blessings, Mandee

 

 

Posted: 2/24/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I wanted to update you on what is happening with my son K and his CAS drama.  The CAS is coming Wednesday February 24th, 2010 (today) to interview K about what he said last week when he told me that he knew why he wasn't going to his father's house anymore and related it to his daddy touching his private parts.  I don't know why they are interviewing him again but I've decided to include the Regional Indian Centre in my area and ask that another advocate come to the home while this is occuring. I don't believe that any of these workers are qualified in interviewing a child with developmental delays and I'm sure that it will have an impact on the outcome as it has in the past.  I can only hope that now that K is supervised with his father he may feel more comfortable sharing what happened to him with someone other than me and hopefully he will feel believed by this new CAS worker. 

Another drama occurred this past visit with my son in which I thought i would share with you all.  Last week on Thursday my son stayed home from school because he refused to go. I felt bad and thought I would keep him home to determine why he was having such mood changes. On the other hand that is not uncommon since he goes to visits with his father for this to happen on the day he sees him.  So about an hour before he was to be picked up my son K began complaining that his stomache had pain and he wanted to go to sleep. I gave him a snack and juice and K appeared to perk up and become his normal self again.  K has a sensitive stomache and it's not uncommon for him to have stomache pains which leads me to tell you that chocolate is a culprit that can cause severe stomache cramps for him if he is given too much.  Part of his abusers manipulation was to feed my son large amounts of chocolate so he would complain of stomache pain when he got home and begin  vomitting.  This was his father's way of trying to get me angry enough to call him so he could continue to have contact with me.  This happened a lot so I brought it to court and the judge ordered that dad was not to give my son chocolate.  This is in effect to this day.

Continuing with the story about last weeks visit, K felt better and was picked up by a volunteer driver for his access to be supervised at Children's Aid Society.  I got my son home crying hysterically, purple lips, his left pupil dialated fully,  barely able to stay awake and holding his stomache.  I tried calling the access centre to explain what happened and they were closed.  Since dad (abuser) is allowed to make judgement calls they have not forced him to use a communication log even though it's in the best interest of our son given his special needs.  Later I find out that even though the access was supervised dad managed to sneak in chocolate even knowing that his son was already complaining of stomache pain and crying.  I was furious that this was allowed to happen until I spoke to the worker today who was there supervising.  She had no idea that my ex fed his son chocolate and was very upset at this. What disturbs me is that the visit is supposed to be supervised but she admitted to leaving the room for a few minutes to get the television for them to play Wii games while another worker stood in the hall.  I didn't find this acceptable but managed to keep that to myself. I will however bring this up to my lawyer.  

I had a conversation with the CAS worker who is the long term person on our case and she was more concerned as to why I sent my son on access rather than the fact dad went and violated a court order and boldly admitted this to her.  I am dumbfounded !  I will keep fighting because I can't continue to let my son suffer at the hands of his father like what happened to my daughter anymore.

Blessings Everyone!

Mandee

Blessings! Mandee 

Posted: 2/22/2010 - 9 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

"Your son said it never happened so just accept it and move on", this is what the child services worker said just after my developmentally delayed son recanted his story of sexual touching from his father.  This was done after he said he missed his daddy and the worker interviewing him asked my son if he was telling the truth or a lie.  Of course if a child feels he is in trouble or not believed he is going to recant his story ans this is even more true for my son who has cognitive difficulties.  The child services worker also said that she was the expert in interviewing children when I argued about her form of questioning being the cause of my son's recant.  I told her I was the expert on my son and than asked the worker how many delayed or cognitively impaired children she had interviewed.  I knew I had struck a nerve because she ended the conversation and avoided answering that question. 

Now several months later ( last week)after winning the battle for supervised access at least temporarily my son still talks about the sexual touching as if it is common knowledge.....hmmm so it never happened eh?The Chilren's Aid Society is coming to the house this week to interview my son K because of the following conversation...

K begins complaining that he wants to play video games on his dad's t.v but he can't anymore because he is seeing his dad at the CAS now.

I commented that I thought he got to play lots of games with dad on his visits.

K said " yes mom but it's not the same cuz we don't use daddy's t.v at his place.  Why do I see daddy at the CAS and not at his place?"

I respond with a question, " Why do you think you see dad at CAS K?'

K than says, " Because when I go to daddy's house he touches my private parts."

I asked K , "Did someone talk to you about why you have visits with daddy at CAS?

K replies saying. " No I just knew."

The conversation ended here and again I make the disclosure report to CAS.  I'm writing this entry because tonight my son was playing around with his sister on my bed with me and my boyfriend laughing at their antics when his sisters bum showed a bit out of her blanket.  She gggled and told K to put the blanket back on her bum it was getting cold.  That is when K says not yet I am going to take a picture of your bum first.  I interjected and asked K why he would do that and he replied as if to justify the comment by saying he has had pictures of his taken.  When I asked him by who he clammed up and went quiet.  The smile went from his face and I knew that he didn't want to say any more.  Given his father is a registered sex offender with a conviction of possession of child porn I don't think it would be too off the mark to suspect that if he was touching my son K sexually than he likely took pictures too.

Please pray that by some miracle that the CAS and police get it right this time and my ex gets arrested and convicted for what he has done to my children even if nothing comes for my assaults from this man.

Thanks & blessings to you all in your healing journey!

Mandee

Posted: 2/16/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I love all your messages because they inspire me to think deeper and to embrace a healing I once never imagined existed!  I want to comment on a recent post and it was a poem that inspired me today.  Nero....I can't spell the name I'm sorry but they wrote a poem that questioned if you can truly be happy when you fear happiness itself.  WOW WHAT A GOOD QUESTION!

I pondered for a moment and what came to mind was a series I watched about emotions on the documentary channel. It began at 2 in the morning and went until 4 am for three nights straight but I suffered through the sleeplessness because it was important to me to discover the emotions I felt in a new way. I hope you will look for the series and when I find the name I will post it.  In the series it states that a happy life is not one without suffering or pain but rather one that finds happy moments even through the pain. 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this?  I thought is was a profound discovery for me :)

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 2/14/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

http://www.refresheverything.com/VOICES  I believe is legitimate and I encourage all of you to vote. You will have to give an email address but like me I hope you have one that you use for internet surveys etc.  It is easy and cool pepsi sound after you vote is worth the wait! It takes about a minute to vote so no long forms.  You don't even get emails unless you check the box.   I'm glad you chose to contact survivors through our wall instead of soliciting! 

Thanks Leanne for bringing this funding grant idea to our attentions.  Thanks Steph for making such an effort to help us survivors heal of childhood sexual abuse. I hope one day your group moves to Canada too! 

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 2/9/2010 - 8 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

For those following my story about the abuse of my children and I from my ex partner I wanted to update you on how completely crazy bold I was with the worker on the last visit. I can't believe I didn't enter this....where was my brain???

I may regret saying this later but I don't care because it is what is the truth.  You all know that my son K was having unsupervised visits with my ex who is a registered sex offender and had been convicted of possession of child porn.  My daughter had disclosed a sexual assault on her and many previous ones but the courts did not stop the access from being unsupervised like somehow with a brief bit of court ordered counselling he was suddenly HEALED!  Give me a fricken break, we all know statistics say these men don't change.  Anyway  over the past two years I've had an uphill court battle to protect my children from the abuser and it took a lot of strength.  Many of you were here to encourage me to not give up and for that I am so thankful.  It was my backbone when I felt like I was crazy.  You all confirmed my thoughts were normal and I had the right to fight even while being threatened by the children's aid to shut up or possibly lose my kids.  Or the police reports saying that I was crazy too. 

To the here and now...there was an assessment done by the children's aid society who I think believed that these mental health professionals would find I was mentally unstable and they could take my kids proving insanity and parent alienation syndrome when in fact it was the EXACT opposite that happened.   With a lot of prayers most of the truth came out.   My daughter was diagnosed by a team of professionals as being credible in her claims of rape against her step father.  My claims that the father was not acknowledging my son's disabilities and therefore causing serious injury to him including hearing and vision lost was also proven to be credible.  The only thing they could not "prove" was the sexual assaults on my son by his father.  Yes his father sexually assaulted him and because the police and children's aid interviewed him incorrectly based on his mental disabilities they could not call his disclosures credible.  Even with a diagnosed penis infection!  My son would come home from his father's access visits on almost a weekly basis with a very upset stomache and complained of a sore penis.  It was an awful feeling to have to drop him off or be arrested to a man you know is molesting your son.  How could I live with myself. I thought of many ways to handle it but decided to go this route believing the kids needed their mother to cope with the affects of the abuse.

Needless to say the Children's Aid Society has had over 50 appointments and interviews with my children since this has all started which I find ridiculous.  But during this most recent appointment I decided not to hold back how I thought and was feeling. I told the worker that it's very nice now that the access has been supervised to see that my son K has not complained once of a sore penis or had an infection. I told her that I think that only furthers the credibility of my suspicion that his father had been sexually harming him. I told her that all of his sexualized touching and behaviours had gradually disappeared and it's ironic that all of last year my son never progressed in his reading but managed to do that and more at school this year.  How ironic that it is happening now that supervised access has begun giving more credibility to my son's disclosures.  The worker just wrote it down but never said a word.  I guess I could be too forward and maybe I was that day but boy it felt good because they can't call me crazy anymore because I have papers to prove I'm not.  So this NOT CRAZY woman still believes in her children's disclosures.  It felt so good to say it even though I know it was very bold and could bite me in the ass later!  C'EST LA VIE (tis life) someone had to say it and if not my children's mother who else right?

Blessings  Everyone ,

Mandee

Posted: 2/4/2010 - 14 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone (Survivors & Supporters)

Although we are very supportive of everyone on here I am hoping to bring to light a concern that has been brought up by Composer Kid a very dear friend to us all on PWP. He expressed his frustration about seeing the pictures of Michael Jackson posted on PWP as profile pictures. I realize that a lot of people are in disagreement about the Michael Jackson innocence or guilt of sexual molestation of boys but given we are on here to heal it's difficult for some who are triggered by MJ's Picture. 

It would be greatly appreciated if you like Michael Jackson and want to post a picture that you consider the feelings of others who believe he is not innocent or are triggered by the picture.  If you could post it on your personal profile in your albums you could be helping a survivor to talk to you and others and feel safe.  I realize everyone has the "right' to post any picture they like as a main picture but I'm asking (not telling) out of respect for other survivors who may not be at the same healing you are.  Thanks so much for understanding and if you would like to chat more about this I would be happy to answer any concerns or questions. 

I know the main goal here on PWP is to create an environment where everyone feels safe and welcome.  Please be a part of this?

Thanks & Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 2/3/2010 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I was inspired tonight by all the positive messages left on my most recent posts from survivors who are encouraging me through this journey of healing.  I read the messages of encouragement and empathy and realized that we are all participants in a great race. I felt after reading them that I had people cheering me on as if I am running a marathon of hope and recovery.  I have other survivors running along side me and when we get tired there is alway another one who has had a good burst of energy to pull us through.  That is an amazing visualization and representation of what Points With Purpose has become. 

I want to call my journey, " The Great Race" and I hope that all of you will join me and when we reach that finish line that we can share in the laughter and the tears.  I know that my finish line is in sight...I can feel it!  Wherever you are in this race (marathon) to healing it doesn't matter as long as you stay in the race.  You can be just beginning and have difficulty seeing how you could even considering reaching the finish line and that is ok, we have all felt that way. The good news is that it's possible if you just stay in the race, don't give up!  The important thing is that when you are tired and can't run another step please reach out and ask for help because others will ask the same of you.  Remember we are no longer Victims in this great race of life...we are SURVIVORS!

May God bless you in all that you do today toward your healing and all that you do to help others in theirs. May the rewards in heaven be plentiful for you and those you love!  Blessings! Mandee

 

Posted: 2/3/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I recently made an entry of a new memory and like the floodgates two more new memories of totally different abusers came to light again!  I feel like I need to blog them on the posts here to purge myself of the damage of keeping it inside.  So here goes.....

1.  I was twelve again like my last post when my sister's highschool friend sexually molested me. So in the same year I was harmed by two different men.  At this precious age I was easily influenced by my friend Tanya and was convinced that running away with her might be a good idea since I wasn't allowed to stay at the swimming pool for another swim. She called her friend who drove who was probably in his late twenties and living at home with his mother. Weird thing is it wasn't him that assaulted me.  A few days into our adventure and nearing my witts end I told Tanya I needed a shower and she decided to take me to another friend's house. He was from Trinidad, 18 years old and living with his brother and another guy (possibly a friend) in a second story apartment. Weirdly I didn't know the street name at the time but I figured it out last night.  Tanya had a shower first and than I took a shower. I felt a bit uncomfortable but no warning bells were going off at this point. My friend and I had just bought skirts and since I had worn the same underwear for three days I decided to wash them and hang them in the bathroom to dry. The men didn't go in the bathroom and didn't know I wasn't wearing any underwear. I thought all was well and than the 18 year old man called me into his room.  He told me to close the door and sit beside him. I thought he was nice and spoke very gently.  I sat beside him and he kissed me. I kissed him back and was flattered that this good looking guy his age liked me.  After some kissing he climbed on top of me pushing me into a laying position on the couch. I was freaking out by this point pushing him and kicking him because I realized he had his pants down and was going to force his penis inside of me. I was so shocked at how quickly it has escilated and after several attempts to push him off and tell him to stop I threated to SCREAM!  That worked!  I think he either realized I wasn't playing games or he was afraid his roomates would find out he was trying to rape me.  I don't know and I don't care!  He stopped and I ran out with my underwear in hand.  Needless to say I called my mom the very next day and went home.  I never told anyone again...hmmm I hate that I kept silent.

2.  Another memory, same friend invited me over to a 30 year old man's house at age 12 again. She encouraged me several times to try the marijuana that they were smoking so I eventually did and smoked the whole joint with them both.  Weirdly his kids were there in the living room and no one seemed to mind.  After that I found myself with a body stone that wouldn't allow me to move and I prayed for mercy.  The man seemed alright and brought me water but he allowed my friend to leave without me?  I don't remember much after that because I passed out!  I passed out and I don't remember anything but waking up in his upstairs bedroom. I was fully clothes but his kids were already in bed and I'd been passed out since 4:00 pm and it was about 11:00 pm .  What man would leave a young girl in his bed that late without worrying and calling the friend back?  Anyway I don't know if anything happened but why didn't he just leave me on the couch?  Weird eh? Suspicious to me! And what guy his age keeps company with two adolescent girls and gets them high? To this day I wonder if he paid that friend to set me up....She ended up a prositute a few years later.  Do you know I called my mom and she didn't even question me as to what happened and why I was out late on a school night.  My mother was so neglectful...argh!  Maybe that is why I can be hypervigilent with my daughter.

Ok so I'm sure I am missing another memory so I will enter that one later...

Thanks for letting me share

Blessings! Mandee

 

 

Posted: 1/29/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I never told you this ....

Ok I had a memory that I never expected to prop up a few nights ago when my friend and I were discussing our childhood abuse like battle wounds. You can tell we have both done some healing otherwise we would not be discussing our scars.  Than suddenly while listening to him tell me about his abuse and the countless people who sexually abused him from the age of four on I remembered on I'd totally forgot!

How could I have been on this site and FORGET an assault of such significance is beyond me. The good thing about this memory although I am grieving the pain it caused my little girl is that I thought to myself. Hey I need to add this to my story on PWP.  Yes I thought about you all and my supports.  So here is my story....continued

When I was twelve my parents were rarely home. You would often find them at the local bar or bingo while me and my older sister would stay at home alone. No boys were aloud in the house but my older sister was in highschool and was always the "rebel". Well this night she invited her male friend over from Highschool who was in grade 12 and 18 years old.  He was a very big man and stood over 6'3 inches tall.  He had brown hair and no thumb. YES I now call him my "NO THUMB"abuser no different than my "POPSICLE GUY" abuser. I think these nicknames helps to de-personalize them for me enough to share my story and give me some empowerment back.  Anyway I remember being on my couch and laying down to watch television. My sister was sitting on the chair behind the head rest of the couch.  I don't know if she had left the room to be with a guy or if she was still there when this happened but all I can remember is that the No thumb guy somehow ended up laying behind me and watching television.  I had just met him and it wasn't like me to become close to a guy I didn't know at the time.  He began by rubbing my hip and than slipped his left hand into my pants and began playing with my vagina.  I remember this because it was my first orgasm!  I didn't kiss him or even look at him. I didn't make a noise because I was embarassed and didn't want him to think I liked what he was doing. 

I DON'T KNOW WHY I NEVER TOLD!  I think that I never told because I wasn't believed when I told about my grandfather. Weirdly it was never even an option for me. I don't even remember thinking about any of my abuses past the day they happened. I just blocked them until I was an adult.  I also remembered my older sister's abuse through this conversation with a friend. She apologized for her sexual abuse toward me and I forgave her putting it behind me. She shared her story with me and I feel it's best not to share that story but to acknowledge it for the sake of my healing in this. 

My heart is sad and grieving for the little girl in me right now. I never expected after two years of being on here to just suddenly remember another sexual assault. I thought I remembered it all.  I feel angry at my parents for neglecting me and making me vulnerable to predators and the pain that comes with vicitmization. The good thing here today with all the recover that I've made is that after I let myself grieve I know I will be alright.  

I encourage you to keep a close watch on your children parents. Survivors I encourage you to grieve with me our losses.

I love you all

Blessings!

Mandee 

Posted: 1/27/2010 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: concerned

Hi everyone I haven't seen Silverstar on here and would like to know if anyone knows what happened and if she is alright?  I wanted to speak with her so if anyone can contact her please let her know I'd like to message her.

Thanks!

Blessings, Mandee

 

Posted: 1/14/2010 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

Again a member on this site brought up her physical struggle and relates how this has been affected by the abuse.  I wanted to post some of the comment and ask you all to share your stories if you have any of physical manifestations of the abuse. It was such an interesting topic I wanted to get feeback from all of you.

" You are right the body does send us signals and I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I will tell you one time I had a rash for ten years on my chest and neck.  After many skin creams and prescriptions from the doctor I finally gave up trying to heal it.  When I was forced into therapy after my first and only suicide attempt I spent weeks talking about the abuse I suffered. Within three weeks of sharing what happened to me I was completely healed of the rash. To this day it is gone. I called it my "shame" rash.  The shame left and so did the rash. Blessings!  Mandee"

If you have a story please post it here or share it in your own posting! Thanks!

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 1/8/2010 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi everyone, If you are a lawyer would you please answer the following questions?

A couple of survivors have questioned whether they are allowed to post photos of their abusers? 

If they do how might they protect themselves from a law suit?

Is there some way to post without it being illegal or is it illegal?

I know through experience with the criminal injuries board, I had to write "alleged" abuser before his name or else they would not read it.  I did this in my posting of the photos I took in a public place and they were both aware they were being taken. I hope this is alright?

Blessings!

Mandee

Posted: 1/8/2010 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

"Hi there Supporter, Welcome to PWP and please tell your friend I look forward to chatting with her one day too!  " I don't want to be here"  really means I want to die or at least I remember repeating that phrase over and over again because I couldn't stand another moment of the pain deep inside. The hurt was so intense that I'd rather be dead than feel one more moment of it.  It was and sometimes still is excruciating. There is help and I have recovered from most of that pain.  " I want to be invisible" is another statment I used to say when I was afraid of others seeing what happened to me. I was feeling very ashamed and didn't know how to deal with it. I felt like somehow everyone could see how dirty the assaults had made me and that I somehow deserved it.  What was worse above all the rest was that I felt alone. I felt as if no one could possibly understand how I was feeling.  Until Points with purpose and the very intense DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) I wasn't able to move forward from my sexual assaults.  I pray your friend will recover and find the help she needs before she reaches 21 and doesn't have to experience one more day of pain alone.  Blessings! Mandee"

OH MY GOODNESS LOOK HOW FAR I'VE COME...yes I dont' get those feelings anymore and I am shocked at how over a decade of pain is almost gone in two years of help. Real and genuine help from points with purpose and DBT therapy I've almost completely recovered.  In exception to the triggers involved in the court battle and police investigations I've come such a long way!  Thank you all again! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! 

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 1/6/2010 - 7 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I posted an experience I had with my mother recently when I reported the abuse and a few survivors shared their stories too.  Thank you very much because it helps to know I'm not the only one.   Because of those stories I had an open dialogue with my daughter and apologized for not successfully leaving our abuser who sexually assaulted the both of us. I knew my daughter had been sexually harmed by my ex and reported the abuse to the Child Protective Services and the police but nothing could be "verified" and I was left to fend for myself in this awful system.  Over and over again I called for help to protect myself and my children and the system just buries victims in doubt and disbelief.   I never once doubted my daughter's disclosure but I wasn't quick in acting for fear he would kill us and I was young and a mess from the abuse.  This is not an excuse just a reality that I didn't have the tools or knowledge in protecting us as I do now.

 How do I ever forgive myself ?  My daughter has already forgiven me (I think) and moved forward. I told her she was brave and that she never deserved the hurt she went through.  One thing that perplexed me is what my daughter said last night and that was, " Mom, you are not as angry at dad as I am. "  I told her that I was very angry and she said that it didn't seem that way.  OH MY GOSH!  I was heartbroken that she didn't feel I was justifiably angry.  I explained to her that I need to remain strong and put my emotions aside but if she knew how angry I was that it wouldn't be appropriate for her to see since she is still too young.  I told her when she is grown up we can talk all about how angry I really am.  She seemed happy to know that I am feeling angry too.  Thank you survivors for your stories.  I hope when my daughter grows up her outcome will be good because I supported her the best way I know how.  If you have any suggestions I would appreciate them all. 

Blessings to you all!

Mandee

Posted: 1/5/2010 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Has anyone seen David's new website, for goodness sakes, I cried it was so beautiful representing pointswithpurpose very clearly.  It is obvious too on his Michael Jackson Tribute Page under about the artist that David is trying to get the word out. I didn't support the project but I support David,what an amazing guy!  You can see his site at www.davidilan.com

Blessings! Mandee

Posted: 1/5/2010 - 9 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi everyone, Pernille's poem 1000 pieces describes a mother who wasn't there for her when she told and I instantly felt sad. Than I realized that I told my mom and she didn't hug me either, she didn't tell me I lied but didn't reassure me she would stop her dad from sexually harming me.  She in fact years later still justifies it with he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing.  My mother's father was drunk!  Big deal....big fricken deal!  I've been drunk and never harmed a child for Goodness sakes!  The enabler mentality drives me fricken mental.  No wonder I don't like my mother at the best of times even if I still love her. 

Ok I was triggered by Pernille's poem but I don't see this as bad. It's just another entry to share that I hope will help someone relate and no longer feel alone. After telling my mom that my grandpa was touching me all they did (my mom and grandmother) is look at me with shock on their faces and say that they would speak with him.  Later they came back and said that I didn't understand what really happened and that I had somehow misinterpreted his actions towards me.  How can a child misinterpret a mans hand beside their vagina being squeezed on the thigh and told sexual things.  ARGH!  Ok so years later my mother mentions to me in one of her drunken stuppers that she was raped by my grandfather's family friend (her dad's friend) and the family made it all hush hush.  Than she tells me that when she was a little girl her father (my grandfather) showed up one night drunk and crawled into her bed and asked her to "fck"....I asked my mom what she did and she said she told her dad that he was in the wrong bed.  My mom to this day convinces herself of the story that her dad didn't mean what he did since he was drunk. 

Years later my grandmother's sister confided in me a week before she died that she believed me because my grandfather had tried raping her daughter too. I cried and thanked her for validating me and my abuse. The best gift my aunt Jenny could have given me before she passed away 12 years ago.   Chi Meegwetch Aunt Jenny (big thank you) for giving me peace of mind that I didn't imagine it.  I love you and May God be taking good care of you.

I love all you survivors too! May God comfort you in His arms!

Blessings and love

Mandee

Posted: 1/2/2010 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone,

I wrote an entry on October 18, 2009 about a Revelation I had involving the abuse I'd suffered over the years and the love / healing God has in store for me with some prayer and fasting.  I re-read that entry tonight and another cool revelation came to me.  You all know that I honour my faith in Jesus and I honour my Native Culture. One thing in this revelation from October stood out like NEVER before.

I talked about a vision I received while at church of God picking me up, washing me and "turning me over" to hold me close in comfort while I grieved my losses from the abuse I suffered. Low and behold I also shared how after that vision I was invited for prayer and saw the churches Native drum turned upside down on its hide (which is very disrespectful to the drum in the Native beliefs). As a result I "turned over the drum."

WEIRD....I just realized that I was disrespected and God restored that disrespect of my treatment by "turning me over".  How cool is God to have shown me this and I am still receiving His message in perfect timing to my life after recently recommitting to my spiritual journey with Christ Jesus.

I am a Native woman and like that drum I need to be respected.  God gave me this.... I pray you will be turned over and lifted off your hide and your beauty and respect restored.  Blessings Everyone

Mandee

Posted: 1/2/2010 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 I wanted to talk about this topic because a lot of us who have been sexually abused have difficulty with boundaries whether they be spiritual or physical.  Especially if we have been harmed at a very young age and have not had the modelling that comes with healthy relationships and healthy love. I have been struggling immensley with relationships with men since my childhood but most significantly since being repeatedly raped by my ex partner. Some where in there I learned what love was, somewhere in there I learned how to love and somewhere in there I learned how to love myself. 

When I say we have lost our physical and spiritual boundaries that means that the healthy lines that come from a healthy childhood has been lost. It began with our physical bodies being tampered with sexually and than our permeated into our emotional and eventually our spiritual bodies. We have been completely programmed into understanding love from the perspective of an abused child / adult.  An adult being victimized as an adult may still have to cope with the idea that life no longer offers safety and therefore those boundaries set up as a child have been ripped away and the world as they know it was all a bunch of lies.  Either way the victimization from Rape or sexual abuse has life long effects that need to be discussed or the abuse can repeat itself in many different scenerios in our lives.  For today it's the love scenerio I need to discuss given my recent break up and the few I've seen on here.

The question that haunted me is the "How" question.  How can someone (counsellors, CAS workers, Family and Friends) expect me to have a healthy love relationship?  How when all I've known are unhealthy ones?  How can I be expected to trust that the love I'm experiencing is one that is truly not going to hurt me or my children? How can I put aside the memories, the hurt and the fear that comes with being in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex?  I can only answer this....

I can only love with the capacity that I have and if that isn't good than he will have to look elsewhere. Thinking about my "love development" it reminds me of the age of about grade seven.  So I'm an adolescent in my love language.  I know I appear to be a woman but the little girl inside is still searching for the answers as to what a healthy relationship is and is seeking a safe place to put her heart. If that man cannot wait until I'm all grown up in love which could take years than he isn't the guy for me or it just isn't the time for love in my life.   If he cannot put his own feelings aside to allow the survivor to learn slowly and at her own pace than he is not the one. 

I encourage you all to think about what your love age language is and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my comments.  Again I know that we all don't have to agree...these are just my thoughts and my experiences. I hope you will share yours?

BLessings! Mandee

 

Posted: 12/27/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Everyone

I haven`t heard from David in months, since the Michael Jackson Project announcement. I am concerned that he may have given up or become busy or even insulted.  Could anyone tell me how things are with him and if he is ok

Thanks

Mandee

Posted: 12/16/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Survivors / Supporters

I just looked at another survivors profile and I thought if my ex the "alleged" abuser can use the internet to exploit children than I can use the internet to post his photo for all of you to see and be warned. I've unfortunately not been able to give you the full last name to protect my son's identity (one of his alleged victims).  If you want to post a photo and regain some dignity you can if you say "alleged". It prevents you from being charged with slander etc.  I hope we can all reclaim some dignity and use the internet as a freedom of expression and to protect others who want to google search their boyfriends or even girlfriends.  I wish you all the best.  Take a good look at him and warn your friends!  BLessings! Mandee

Posted: 12/15/2009 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hi Jen
I want to tell you that even though you have RECANTED your story I still believe you. I know weird eh? Everyone on here is saying that they believe you when you say you lied. I am saying that I believe you may be lying now to protect your dad. I know you love him and my daughter did the same thing when she thought her dad would get into trouble. Please don't feel bad for taking your story back. I am here if you decide to keep talking about your sexual abuse. I know some are angry but let me remind you all that a lot of us recanted our story. This is supposed to be a safe site for everyone, even the ones who take back there story.  Jen I love you whether you lied or didn't I'm your friend and look forward to hearing you are ok.  Blessings! Mandee

Please refer to A post saying "I'm sorry, Please Read" by one of our survivors. I don't believe that because a young person re-cants their story after the police show up at her door that she is necessarily lying.  The sad part is we may have revictimized one of our survivors. I pray that you will all reconsider this and remember that she may be living in fear and her perpetrator may be living in her house controlling her "apology".  Please please stay open minded and keep supporting our friend.  My daughter re-canted many times while being in the presence of her abuser. Her feelings of wanting to die sounds familiar to me a survivor who lost hope.  Please continue to support her and give her hope that we are still her friends.  Love you all! Mandee

Posted: 12/15/2009 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hello Everyone

I'm sorry it has taken so long to come back to Points with Purpose and update you all on the events recently. My heart was so happy when the Assessment came back saying that they believed my daughter's sexual abuse story and my son was at risk too of being harmed. A team of psychiatrists, child workers, social workers etc all agreed that Supervised access with my ex and the kids was the best for my son. My daughter was not forced to go back and visit her father and she hasn't seen him in two years November.

So the update........

The perpetrator (my son's father, also mine and my daughter's rapist) is fighting this assessment with support of the Children's Lawyer!  YES I SAID THE CHILDREN'S LAWYER IS IN AGREEMENT THAT SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE THE ASSESSMENT IS CREDIBLE!  The assessment was paid for by Children's Aid and don't you think the lawyer who represents my son in this case would want to keep her client safe?  Can you believe this? 

Good News!  The detective from the police department who closed all our cases has decided when I provide him the assessment that he will be re-opening the case given the new information that my daughter was NOT cohersed into making those accusations. I don't hold much hope in charges but at least they will be considering inspecting my exes home in case there is evidence such as photos etc.  He is a registered sex offender and may have child porn on his computer. Hopefully there will not be any of my children!  This is my biggest fear that they will be continuously victimized by the internet and a bunch of FREAKS will be looking at their photos.  ARGH!  This image in my head keeps me up at night. I pray that I'm wrong and the ex isn't this fricken twisted.  I know he is a PIG beyond words because of our past so I would put nothing past that guy.

Update for Me:  I'm pregnant...yes I said pregnant by 5 weeks and this stress is worrying me. I am expecting this may go to trial and dad may still win!  My lawyer doesn't seem too concerned given the outcome of the assessment  but this Children's Lawyer seems to be very supportive of the father. Once reason for this may be because before the assessment she recommended to the courts unsupervised access to my son and even overnights. As a result of this recommendation the courts decided to allow for unsupervised access with our abuser. During these past two years of unsupervised access that I fought with all my might my son had several head injuries leading to permanent hearing loss and disclosed at least two incidents of sexual molestation from his father. Today my lawyer and I discussed the concern for why my son's lawyer would be working against her own client and we both agreed that she is not worried about being sued because she is so full of herself but rather my lawyer believes that she is worried about her EGO and being proven wrong by the likes of me... A mental patient lol!  I think when this is over depending on how long the Children's lawyer wants to drag us through the mud for absolutely no reason I will think about a law suit on behalf of both my children.

Do you know the Children's lawyer who represents both my son AND my daughter wanted to go against the welfare of my daughter to "help her understand better" the case for my son.  She wants the notes from the Assessment to be public record for her but also the perpetrator's lawyer and the abuser to read even though the investigation may still not be over!  Can someone find her fricken ethics!  My lawyer and I are not done fighting.... and I'd appreciate all your support in protecting the revictimization of me and my kids on this site.  LOVE YOU ALL!

Blessings

Mandee

 

 

 

Posted: 10/18/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I didn't hear alot of the service but it was different today. It was about trusting God when we hit "rock bottom".  I didn't feel I was at rock bottom but I did remember being there in 2007 and the agony of the last two years.  During the irregular service the worship team stayed on stage and played relevant songs that went along with what Pastor Peter was talking about. I sang my heart out (cuz no one was watching) and praised God like I hadn't in along time. 
 
I prayed that the Lord would forgive me for how I was in my relationships with the last two men I tried to date.  How I was indecisive and even at times emotionally abusive by leading them on that I somehow knew what I wanted.  I prayed about what a lousy person I was and how I didn't deserve the forgiveness that God has ready and waiting for me if I just turn away from what I know is wrong.  You know , practice the 7 grandfather teachings (respect, love, honesty etc in Native traditions) instead of manipulating and dragging peoples feelings through the mud.  I couldn't make up my mind between these two men and didn't trust my own judgement so the relationships went on simultaneously and for too long. Not what I intended but wrong to say the least.  I began feeling pretty bad and yet I still didn't feel like that was right either.
 
Nearing the end of the service my Pastor asked us to sit in silence, bow our heads and ask God to examine our hearts to see where we had hurt others , where we had been sinful and how to turn away from what we know is wrong.  So I braced myself (sat in the position I use for mindfullness meditation) , relaxed my body and closed my eyes.  I took a deep cleansing breath and fully let God into my spirit / my heart and my thoughts.  (God is there all along) but either way I listened. I waited....there it was!
 
I saw the vision of me (I became confused), it wasn't one of me abusing others but of me naked on the ground covered in dirt, and abuses that had been done to me leaving bruising on just about every inch of my body.  I lay there exhausted and barely able to lift my head to the light above me.  I was even too tired to cry.  I was confused, what was God trying to say to me....so I wait some more.....and than it comes to me.....God didn't want to deal with my relationships with men, He wants to deal with me.  My pain first.  
 
My heart was so overwhelmed I started to cry (my mascara dripping down my face).  I cried through the whole last part of the service as God began showing me vision after vision.  The Lord and Creator of this Universe picked me up sore, bruised, dirty and tired and held me close.  He held me so close I felt His goodness.  After holding me He turned me over and held me in his arms like a mother does His child and caressed my head and told me to cry. To grieve my losses.  
 
Than the Creator took water and with His hand he wiped away beginning with my hair and face the dirt and bruises that were left behind from all that abuse.  
 
The service was over and my heart felt the grief I'd been ignoring, all the pain poured over me that I had stopped feeling.  The Pastor got up to send us away with our blessing and yet I didn't feel it was over. I thought to myself I will just sit for a bit and rest in the Lords arms.  I will trust the Lord isn't finished his work in me.  I listened to the blessing and ironically this was the first time I've ever heard this said, "anyone who feels in their hearts that the message for them isn't over and they need prayer we have Sandra and John available after church who will be waiting to work this out with you in prayer." I knew the Lord was speaking right to me. 
 
I left the room and went into the other one with one request, may I speak to a woman only please.  This was honoured and Sandra took me into the room herself.  While in the room I saw a Native drum that had been given to the church that was broken on 2 of the 13 sides and resting on its face.  I immediately walked over and turned it right side up :) (You are never supposed to leave a drum on it's hide side in the native culture as it's seen as disrespectful).  
 
After that we prayed....the Lord has a lot for me to do in the next few months. He wants me to remain man free and to focus on him in fasting and prayer.  He wants to heal me from the abuse so all the other relationships in my life will receive healing too.  I am honouring this and I know God will restore me to a healing I've never felt before.  
 
I was meant to meet God there today....even though I didn't feel like going, God had other plans for me :)

I wanted to share this with my friends who are finding it difficult today. I hope it inspires you. This experience changed my life and my view of God...
 
 

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