Hi Everyone

I haven`t heard from David in months, since the Michael Jackson Project announcement. I am concerned that he may have given up or become busy or even insulted.  Could anyone tell me how things are with him and if he is ok

Thanks

Mandee

Hi Survivors / Supporters

I just looked at another survivors profile and I thought if my ex the "alleged" abuser can use the internet to exploit children than I can use the internet to post his photo for all of you to see and be warned. I've unfortunately not been able to give you the full last name to protect my son's identity (one of his alleged victims).  If you want to post a photo and regain some dignity you can if you say "alleged". It prevents you from being charged with slander etc.  I hope we can all reclaim some dignity and use the internet as a freedom of expression and to protect others who want to google search their boyfriends or even girlfriends.  I wish you all the best.  Take a good look at him and warn your friends!  BLessings! Mandee

Hi Jen
I want to tell you that even though you have RECANTED your story I still believe you. I know weird eh? Everyone on here is saying that they believe you when you say you lied. I am saying that I believe you may be lying now to protect your dad. I know you love him and my daughter did the same thing when she thought her dad would get into trouble. Please don't feel bad for taking your story back. I am here if you decide to keep talking about your sexual abuse. I know some are angry but let me remind you all that a lot of us recanted our story. This is supposed to be a safe site for everyone, even the ones who take back there story.  Jen I love you whether you lied or didn't I'm your friend and look forward to hearing you are ok.  Blessings! Mandee

Please refer to A post saying "I'm sorry, Please Read" by one of our survivors. I don't believe that because a young person re-cants their story after the police show up at her door that she is necessarily lying.  The sad part is we may have revictimized one of our survivors. I pray that you will all reconsider this and remember that she may be living in fear and her perpetrator may be living in her house controlling her "apology".  Please please stay open minded and keep supporting our friend.  My daughter re-canted many times while being in the presence of her abuser. Her feelings of wanting to die sounds familiar to me a survivor who lost hope.  Please continue to support her and give her hope that we are still her friends.  Love you all! Mandee

Hello Everyone

I'm sorry it has taken so long to come back to Points with Purpose and update you all on the events recently. My heart was so happy when the Assessment came back saying that they believed my daughter's sexual abuse story and my son was at risk too of being harmed. A team of psychiatrists, child workers, social workers etc all agreed that Supervised access with my ex and the kids was the best for my son. My daughter was not forced to go back and visit her father and she hasn't seen him in two years November.

So the update........

The perpetrator (my son's father, also mine and my daughter's rapist) is fighting this assessment with support of the Children's Lawyer!  YES I SAID THE CHILDREN'S LAWYER IS IN AGREEMENT THAT SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE THE ASSESSMENT IS CREDIBLE!  The assessment was paid for by Children's Aid and don't you think the lawyer who represents my son in this case would want to keep her client safe?  Can you believe this? 

Good News!  The detective from the police department who closed all our cases has decided when I provide him the assessment that he will be re-opening the case given the new information that my daughter was NOT cohersed into making those accusations. I don't hold much hope in charges but at least they will be considering inspecting my exes home in case there is evidence such as photos etc.  He is a registered sex offender and may have child porn on his computer. Hopefully there will not be any of my children!  This is my biggest fear that they will be continuously victimized by the internet and a bunch of FREAKS will be looking at their photos.  ARGH!  This image in my head keeps me up at night. I pray that I'm wrong and the ex isn't this fricken twisted.  I know he is a PIG beyond words because of our past so I would put nothing past that guy.

Update for Me:  I'm pregnant...yes I said pregnant by 5 weeks and this stress is worrying me. I am expecting this may go to trial and dad may still win!  My lawyer doesn't seem too concerned given the outcome of the assessment  but this Children's Lawyer seems to be very supportive of the father. Once reason for this may be because before the assessment she recommended to the courts unsupervised access to my son and even overnights. As a result of this recommendation the courts decided to allow for unsupervised access with our abuser. During these past two years of unsupervised access that I fought with all my might my son had several head injuries leading to permanent hearing loss and disclosed at least two incidents of sexual molestation from his father. Today my lawyer and I discussed the concern for why my son's lawyer would be working against her own client and we both agreed that she is not worried about being sued because she is so full of herself but rather my lawyer believes that she is worried about her EGO and being proven wrong by the likes of me... A mental patient lol!  I think when this is over depending on how long the Children's lawyer wants to drag us through the mud for absolutely no reason I will think about a law suit on behalf of both my children.

Do you know the Children's lawyer who represents both my son AND my daughter wanted to go against the welfare of my daughter to "help her understand better" the case for my son.  She wants the notes from the Assessment to be public record for her but also the perpetrator's lawyer and the abuser to read even though the investigation may still not be over!  Can someone find her fricken ethics!  My lawyer and I are not done fighting.... and I'd appreciate all your support in protecting the revictimization of me and my kids on this site.  LOVE YOU ALL!

Blessings

Mandee

I didn't hear alot of the service but it was different today. It was about trusting God when we hit "rock bottom".  I didn't feel I was at rock bottom but I did remember being there in 2007 and the agony of the last two years.  During the irregular service the worship team stayed on stage and played relevant songs that went along with what Pastor Peter was talking about. I sang my heart out (cuz no one was watching) and praised God like I hadn't in along time. 
 
I prayed that the Lord would forgive me for how I was in my relationships with the last two men I tried to date.  How I was indecisive and even at times emotionally abusive by leading them on that I somehow knew what I wanted.  I prayed about what a lousy person I was and how I didn't deserve the forgiveness that God has ready and waiting for me if I just turn away from what I know is wrong.  You know , practice the 7 grandfather teachings (respect, love, honesty etc in Native traditions) instead of manipulating and dragging peoples feelings through the mud.  I couldn't make up my mind between these two men and didn't trust my own judgement so the relationships went on simultaneously and for too long. Not what I intended but wrong to say the least.  I began feeling pretty bad and yet I still didn't feel like that was right either.
 
Nearing the end of the service my Pastor asked us to sit in silence, bow our heads and ask God to examine our hearts to see where we had hurt others , where we had been sinful and how to turn away from what we know is wrong.  So I braced myself (sat in the position I use for mindfullness meditation) , relaxed my body and closed my eyes.  I took a deep cleansing breath and fully let God into my spirit / my heart and my thoughts.  (God is there all along) but either way I listened. I waited....there it was!
 
I saw the vision of me (I became confused), it wasn't one of me abusing others but of me naked on the ground covered in dirt, and abuses that had been done to me leaving bruising on just about every inch of my body.  I lay there exhausted and barely able to lift my head to the light above me.  I was even too tired to cry.  I was confused, what was God trying to say to me....so I wait some more.....and than it comes to me.....God didn't want to deal with my relationships with men, He wants to deal with me.  My pain first.  
 
My heart was so overwhelmed I started to cry (my mascara dripping down my face).  I cried through the whole last part of the service as God began showing me vision after vision.  The Lord and Creator of this Universe picked me up sore, bruised, dirty and tired and held me close.  He held me so close I felt His goodness.  After holding me He turned me over and held me in his arms like a mother does His child and caressed my head and told me to cry. To grieve my losses.  
 
Than the Creator took water and with His hand he wiped away beginning with my hair and face the dirt and bruises that were left behind from all that abuse.  
 
The service was over and my heart felt the grief I'd been ignoring, all the pain poured over me that I had stopped feeling.  The Pastor got up to send us away with our blessing and yet I didn't feel it was over. I thought to myself I will just sit for a bit and rest in the Lords arms.  I will trust the Lord isn't finished his work in me.  I listened to the blessing and ironically this was the first time I've ever heard this said, "anyone who feels in their hearts that the message for them isn't over and they need prayer we have Sandra and John available after church who will be waiting to work this out with you in prayer." I knew the Lord was speaking right to me. 
 
I left the room and went into the other one with one request, may I speak to a woman only please.  This was honoured and Sandra took me into the room herself.  While in the room I saw a Native drum that had been given to the church that was broken on 2 of the 13 sides and resting on its face.  I immediately walked over and turned it right side up :) (You are never supposed to leave a drum on it's hide side in the native culture as it's seen as disrespectful).  
 
After that we prayed....the Lord has a lot for me to do in the next few months. He wants me to remain man free and to focus on him in fasting and prayer.  He wants to heal me from the abuse so all the other relationships in my life will receive healing too.  I am honouring this and I know God will restore me to a healing I've never felt before.  
 
I was meant to meet God there today....even though I didn't feel like going, God had other plans for me :)

I wanted to share this with my friends who are finding it difficult today. I hope it inspires you. This experience changed my life and my view of God...
 
 

As a survivor of 14 years of stalking , sexual assault and being a parent of two children who were also victims I thought you all may want to give me your opinion on my last post about Michael and the following statement privately emailed to me....Have I condemned anyone?  Please give your thoughts? I have never meant to send that kind of message and take this accusation very seriously so I will ask your thoughts and how I might have made it different?  This is a letter I received from one of my respected survivors......

"No offence but people have the right to express their opinions and I take offence to the way you have structured your post. It feels like you are basically trying to say that others have no opinion, and that if ours is in any way different from yours then that means we are then supporting abusers! I don't agree with anyone telling me or anyone on this site how to, or what to think. This site is for survivors but what you are doing is taking away our thoughts and replacing them with yours, then condemning us for not thinking exactly like you. Just like you have asked us to keep in mind your thoughts I believe you shoud please keep in mind that you are talking to survivors. If I have learnt anything on this site and throughout my life it is to have a mind of my own, whilst respecting those of others. I respect your thoughts on this subject mandee and am keeping in mind the children who weren't believed in Michael's case, but also in many other abuse cases, such as my own. I will not be placing a dot for him, but that is my choice, for my own personal reasons and I do not condemn anyone who does place a dot."

No offense but I was offended and hurt by this message...if " no offense"  before you begin your message please re think whether you are truly sorry for offending.  Do I have the right to voice my thoughts on here?

Mandee

Hi David

I read your email about the Michael Jackson Project and I'm disappointed and excited! Strange eh?  The disappointment...  I realize you are a smart person and weighed the evidence for yourself and that no one is more commited to the PWP project than you and your family David.  A fact is still remaining that no one was in the room with Michael and that little boy to be able to say IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. So I support that boy as I know you would if you could speak with him directly and hear his side of the story.

It is very common for a sexual offender to also be a GREAT guy and helpful....so far you have only conviced me that by your controversial email supporting that you believe Michael didn't do it may have unintentionally just re-victimized this boy who was never believed.  Only 6% of rape, sexual abuse victims get a conviction. This is a scary thought that Michael has a 94% chance of not being convicted even if he did it!  With that said....

Now to the exciting part! 

 I understand your point that using something awful to help our cause is a Good thing. This is why I still support you in your project with Michael but I choose not to give a point for his drawing in a tribute to who I believe is a sex offender convicted or not.  I don't need the media to tell me statistics of sexual abuse.  Stats say that only 20% of victims are not verified in their claims. Non verification doesn't mean the children are lying. In the Michael Jackson case there was more than one child making these allegations which raises my suspicion dramatically that there is truth to this story.  Have you investigated there claims too?  I hope you understand the disappointment is one of sadness really. I'm sad but relieved although Michael is in my opinion a sex offender I also believe his fame may help so many recover from such a horrific crime!  Again I know David you are a man of good heart so I support you in this although I disagree with your thoughts on Michael Jackson's innocence and won't be participating in his tribute.  Blessings!  Mandee  
 

This is the letter I sent David and all are welcome to comment whether we agree or disagree

I wasn't going to name the man I was warning everyone not to pass messages for but he just sent a NASTY message to me and is becoming abusive. I suspected this would trigger him and I expect all of you to support me in not allowing this behaviour and I don't care how inappropriate this post is. I have the RIGHT to feel safe on here and so does the girl he is stalking right now. I've reported him to David and ask that in case this girl is being stalked that you refrain from giving away any information to anyone on this site that isn't your own...I wish you all well!

Mandee

I wanted to remind everyone on this site that we are all entitled to feel safe and even anonymous if we choose to be. I don't talk much about my experience as a professional but I have to say this. I received an email from a man who claims to be a "supporter" and that he is very CONCERNED about a friend that since he's been on the site suddenly not posting messages and has become silent. He knows who he is and may take offense to this but I have to warn you all. This is bordering on "stalking" behaviour and unacceptable. I will NOT pass messages to a woman who is on my friend's list. The fact he searched my friend's list for her is even more disturbing!   This means that she likely hasn't answered him for a reason.  Her actions or lack there of  proves she likely wishes to remain anonymous and I support her 100%.

 Please Sir if you feel your presence on here is upsetting her and you claim to be a "supporter" than be a gentleman and let her have her space and quit asking people to contact her for you!  To people with the sincere motive to support us survivors I want to thank you very much and mean no insult by this message. 

 Please friends, survivors and supporters alike don't be used by people who claim to care and in fact are "checking up" on their friend, girlfriends or partners. Those of you who know me probably know that I'm not in the habit of judging anyone but I'm really worried about this person this man is checking up on. I hope you will all support the survivors on here by NOT passing messages on behalf of anyone.  I'm really deeply concerned for her whoever she is and if she is reading this and knows who I'm talking about please message me and we can talk if you like?  This site can be a safe one for us all....Blessings! Mandee

WE DID IT!  The official recommendations are for supervised access for my son K with our abuser (the ex).  All that is left now is to work with the Child Protective Services and the lawyers to try to come to a peaceful resolution to this mess and allow for access to be safe and in a neutral environment.  They all said that they are recommending that I continue with my therapy for my ongoing mental health issues and that by the way my children have progressed I've done a good job as a protective parent. They seemed very compassionate this time and supportive of my efforts in protecting the kids.  THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT!  This site and the people such as yourselves are making a difference. Your support was valuable and a big part of me keeping my head together enough to support my kids through this nightmare. I feel like I just woke up and it was all a bad dream ! 

Blessings! Mandee

Today is the day I get the results for the Child Advocacy Assessment Program that I've been waiting 16 months for.  They (the doctors, social workers etc) are going to tell me today if they believe my ex (the abuser) or me (the survivor). This team was hired by Child Protective Services to help them determine whether I'm being vindictive and telling my children to lie about their father and sexual abuse or whether or not the abuse really happened to me and the kids. Keeping in mind the whole time that my ex is the one that was charged and convicted in 2001/2002 of Possession of Child Pornography. It's really sad that it had to come to re-victimizing me and my kids to conclude that we were abused by him. 

I will let you all know the results!  I wanted to say that I appreciate EACH and EVERY comment, prayer and well wishes that have come my way and on behalf of my kids.  This has been a journey that without you all I don't think I could have faced and still remained feeling sane and full of faith. Thank you with my sincerest gratitude.  Blessings and Prayer to you all.  I have fought this fight not for just me and my kids.  I feel as if I'm fighting for every victim that didn't have a voice. For every victim that didn't get the justice they deserved.  I'm fighting this fight WITH you all.  I love you.

Blessings! Mandee

"Three more sleeps" I tell myself.  Weird eh? I just have to find a way to stay patient and think of positive outcomes of this parental capacity and maltreatment assessment. I guess the fact that I'm thinking about the outcome so much would say that I care and I'm likely not a person they need to worry about.  Child Protective Services seems to be after the wrong person.  I hope that they are just trying to rule me out so they can focus on the abuser and discount is accusations against me. At least that is what I pray. 

I have no reason to feel frightened and yet I'm scared. I feel as if this past two years of court battles, lawyers appointments, children's aid appointments/interviews, assessments, doctors appointments and well putting my life on hold may be over soon and the children and I can go on with our lives and on a safer path to healing.  I am praying and hope you will all join me that the abuse from their father will be verified and I can rest for the first time in years.  Please pray with me this weekend and especially Tuesday Morning.  Thank you for taking the time to read my entry :)

As you pray for me & the kids (girl 14 and boy 8) I pray right now that your life will be blessed beyond measure and that the healing you seek will be found. I pray that your soul is nourished and your mind is clear. I pray that your home and finances come into line with God's will for your life. I pray love fills your soul and you are treated with the respect and admiration that God has for you.  I pray you will have more than you could ever imagine and I pray this in the name of Jesus!

Blessings!

Mandee

I wanted to let you all know that your prayers and mine are being answered. I had a meeting with our ongoing Child Protective Services Worker who I have had real trouble getting along with and who I have felt all along has not believed my children and failed to protect my son.  Along at that meeting I had my Metis Nation advocate (which I recommend an advocate for every parent who are working with CPS to have). She showed up about an hour before the CPS worker and listened intently to my concerns and prayed a beautiful prayer of protection for me and the kids.  She also helped by praying that we get a new worker who is kinder and is able to stand along side me in protecting my kids.  She asked God to do this quickly and when my worker arrived she shared the "bad news" that she would be leaving for another position within their agency and was no longer going to be able to be our worker.  I could barely control the grin that was beaming across my face. 

God DOES answer prayers!  I have a renewed faith that things will be ok. I hope you will all continue to pray for me and the kids.  The maltreatment assessment feedback is coming in less than a week on September 15th at 3: 00 pm and this will determine whether or not the social workers, doctors etc believe me or my ex the abuser.  Whether they will protect my kids from further sexual harm and will either make or break my credibility. I ask that you all continue to pray for a victory in this fight against the abuse my children have been court ordered to face.  Later I will enter a dream I had about the assessment which was very encouraging.  I love you all and miss chatting!

Blessings! Mandee

My son K had his visit with his father (the abuser) and his girlfriend (the enabler).  When K arrived home from access he was a bit emotional. He shared what he did on his visit naturally and explained that he was at the park with his cousins playing T-Ball.  I don't understand how any parents can leave their children alone with a registered sex offender WITHOUT a court order. My son said his aunt and uncle (the abuser's brother and his wife) weren't at the park with the kids.  This means that the abuser was there at a park with his enabling girlfriend with three children playing T-Ball unsupervised. 

To top it all off, my son is visually impaired and has a eye condition that requires him to wear sports glasses when playing games like T-Ball. His father (the abuser) did not purchase a pair and still continues to risk more vision loss if the ball hits my son's eye!  Do you believe this?!  Child Protection Services has shown little concern about this even after several attempts to ask them to follow up with ensuring my son's father does this.  I'm venting now.

Ok so K has been very emotional ALL week and has been overly attached lately.  He's been sucking his shirt, his fingers and even the remote control.  I can't figure out what is happening except to say that he is having difficulty with something. I am sure the truth will come out because it always does. I just hope it does before it's too late!  Thanks for reading....you are all such a great support through this time.

September 15th, 2009 I could really use your prayers as an assessment to determine how and if they will protect my children from their sex offender father's abuse is happening at 3:00 pm. I will keep you posted!  Blessings! Mandee

For all of you following this saga with my children and protection issues from my ex who is a registered sex offender charged with possession of child pornography I thought I would update you.  My son K went away to the cottage this weekend with an organization that works with developmentally delayed children and help parents by giving them a rest.  During his stay they make it really fun.  K didn't have to go on access because the abuser (father) decided to be kind enough to let him go and forego his access.  I was never happier than to have one Sunday where I didn't have to think about my son and his safety. 

As I explained in my last entry that Child Protective Services did nothing as usual about my son's new comments that daddy told him not to tell the hospital that his daddy touches his penis.  This directly interferes with the assessment that is happening to determine whether my children were maltreated paid for by Child Protective Services.  At first the child protection worker that was covering for my regular worker told me she spoke with the manager and he said that they were waiting for the results of the assessment.  I asked the worker whether or not she knew why the manager suggested waiting if there is a suspicion that dad is actually trying to affect or has affected the outcome of the assessment itself.  She told me that she didn't know why and gave me the managers phone number and extension. 

I called him shortly after (not the same day) and spoke with him calmly and quietly so not to appear upset because we had a confrontational conversation in the past that wasn't so productive and I didn't want it to go the same way. That would not have helped my kids in any way or my credibility as a genuinely concerned mother.  I told him that I spoke with the covering worker and explained what she told me(above).  He seemed to have an agitated tone with me and told me that he wasn't going to investigate the previous allegations again because it was already done. I told him that I wasn't expecting him to. I explained that the reason I was calling was because of the stuff my son was saying about the assessment and I had concerns it may have impacted the outcome of the assessment.   He asked if the assessment was done yet and I told him the date was moved forward again. He asked me if they told me why they had changed the date again and I said no.  He than said he felt my son had been interviewed enough.  (OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE ONLY BEEN SAYING THAT EVERY TIME THEY SPEAK WITH HIM!  ARGH!)  It felt as if he was thinking I wanted them to come and put my son through yet another interview. In the last 2 years my son has been interviewed monthly plus another 4 or five times so in total he has been interviewed approximately 30 times and he is thinking I wanted another one!  I think this manager really does think I'm crazy.

I kept focussed on my goal of the conversation and told him that I agree that K had been interviewed alot and it was definately not my intent to have him go through another one considering his developmental delays have not yet been understood and therefore accommodated.  Yes you read that right. 

The Child Protective Services, hospital doing the assessment and the Police Department all interviewed my child who is delayed without accomodating for it! As a result the police say that they cannot press charges and child services can't verify any abuse because my son couldn't put the sexual touching into context, remain consistant or recanted.  I have to wonder if my son had a more outwardly noticable delay such as Downs Syndrome would they have interviewed him the same? I think it's not likely they would have.  

 My son has a physical appearance of the small but average child his age.  People without a trained understanding of developmental delays would not see my son as delayed much at all....until you have spent alot of time with him it is difficult to see the impact the delays have on his comprehension of his surroundings and the possible impact of sexual touching on him.  He is a child who is even more vulneralbe because of his delays in defending himself and because he can't remain consistant (which is common in average kids being abused) or put the abuse into context or timeline than the authorities are allowing this to drag out putting K at more risk of being harmed.  

Back to the conversation with the manager. I told him that I wasn't hoping for another interview but just wanted to be sure he knew what my son had said and that the Child Advocacy Assessors also knew before any results of the assessments were completed.  The Manager (A.M) told me that he would speak with our usual worker who was on vacation when she gets back and that she would be investigating this.  I thanked him and we ended the call. 

I felt sad after the call that I don't have a better relationship with these people who are put in place to protect my kids.

Thanks for listening and the comments!

Blessings !

Mandee

Ok this is about the crest of what mountain of bullsh&*  I can take....the Child Protective Services in Canada where I live just called me back today to tell me they were doing nothing again.  My son tells me that his father told him not to tell the secret of daddy touching his penis to the hospital when he goes with mommy.  The Hospital staff are the ones doing a Maltreatment assessment on my children with respect to my ex ( son's daddy) and sexual touching.  The Child Protective Services tells me to wait until the assessment is over from the hospital. 

Does it make sense that the abuser has unsupervised visits with his son and can intimidate his son from telling about the sexual abuse to people hired to tell us if my son has been maltreated?  Does it make sense that a man convicted of Possession of Child Porn get the benefit of the doubt over a mother who has NO criminal history and worked in field of Social Services? Doesn't this intimidation from his daddy (the abuser)  not affect the assessment outcome?  Why would the Child Protective Services or anyone else not have concerns that the assessment they are paying thousands of dollars for is being affected by the abuser!  I spoke with my lawyers office but they can't get back to me right now because he is in trial and than on vacation for three weeks!~  ARGH~! Ok I vented...thanks

Blessings to you all....no debt to our abuser and I claim this still!

Mandee

Hi there everyone...   I thought I would let you know that the CAAP assessment to determine maltreatment and parenting capacity for our abuser and me is rescheduled. So no feedback until September 15 th, at 3:00 pm.  There must be a reason but the medical team isn't saying what it is. I was supposed to get my feedback on August 25th and finally maybe some closure?  Who knows but the Lord...

I'm not sure if I posted this but my son when he was left alone with his abuser while the girlfriend went to her apartment (the supervisor).  On Sunday morning my son and I were having breakfast and he finally told me a secret his daddy told him to keep from the "hosbibal when he goes with mom"....the secret....yep!  Don't tell them daddy touched your penis!  .....argh! I felt like throwing up.  I called my lawyer and yes I couldn't get hold of him on a Sunday and the court order is police enforced to drop my son off soooooo....I dropped him off and forfeited my feelings for a while.  I can't say to you all what I was thinking during the drop off.  

I did nothing ....I did nothing....and it broke my heart. 

Anyway I did finally contact Children's Aid Society and notify them of what happened but they haven't really responded yet.  I gave a copy of my notes to the CAAP assessors about what my son said about daddy.  Ironically I noticed while writing out the whole thing for CAAP that on July 24 the CAAP told me that me and the kids would be re-interviewed and I am assuming that they likely told the abuser (his daddy) too on this date or shortly after.  He must have panicked and convinced his girlfriend to leave him alone for daddy and son time. Of course she is in denial and leaves so dad could have time alone with my son. This was on August 2nd just shortly after we were all notified of another interview which none of us were expecting.  Than my son discloses on August 16 that while they were playing alone daddy told him not to tell that he touched his penis at the hospital with mom....hmmmmm

I have no way of knowing what is going on unless this is truly coming out of my son's mouth because what happens on access is not communicated to me.  I was never told that the assessors told my ex the abuser we were all being interviewed again so how would I know to even make up a story like this.  They have to be wondering by now if what I'm saying is true!  You would have to !  Wouldn't you?  I'm so tired of these extensions and so tired of seeing our abuser and so tired of being tired. 

Just a couple of days ago I was inspired by God to be "debt free" from my abuser...so again I acknowledge that he has no power over me or my awesome children!  Take Care  .... Blessings!

Mandee

I know you may be wondering why debt has anything to do with sexaul assault or abuse. Let me explain a revelation I just got. I paid my house tax bill today and a significant amount of debt off last month. It left me struggling for a while but in the end the burden of debt was lifted and my money was clear to move onto better things. Today God put on my heart the inspiration that I no longer owe any DEBT to my abuser!

Yes I bet you are saying, "EH? What is she talking about?"  Let me explain again....I no longer owe him one more tear, one more day of sleeplessness, one more fearful thought or one more moment of my time.....I am DEBT FREE! 

Now I can move forward onto bigger and better things to do ....I am DEBT FREE and I hope you will be too!

Love you all, Blessings & Prayers!

Mandee

Hello there !  These past two Sundays started off seemingly harmless until breakfast yesterday (sunday) morning when my son started talking.  Last Sunday or possibly the Sunday before I told you all that my son told me that he had been left alone with daddy ( the abuser) while his girlfriend (the enabler and so called supervisor) went to her apartment to play Ratchet and Crank Video games.  My son said she left so that him and daddy could have time together.  I was so angry that she would go against the Child Protection Services Recommendations and leave my son alone with his daddy risking further harm.  Regardless of her deliberate carelessness all seemed to be ok.  My son K said they played games like Bakugan etc.  So with a sigh of relief I relaxed a bit and went on with the week.  The week following this visit my children and I went to a Child Advocacy Assessment Program interview to catch them up on how access with dad was going and whether there were any immediate concerns.  The children were interviewed at the same time by Doctors and Social Workers set up to determine whether or not there has been any maltreatment toward the kids from either parent (nothing like further victimization eh!) 

Ok well turns out that my daughter wanted to tell me what the interview was like which I assume because she needed some encouragement. She was upset because she shared her abuse with the doctor and than she tossed the kleenex box to her and told my daughter to move forward.  I don't think the physician meant anything negative by her comment and I encouraged my daughter that she was really trying to look out for her best interest.  My son on the other hand said very little about the interview but seemed fixated on how his daddy and him talked.  He wasn't very clear on what he was saying and I decided to let hin come out with it when he was ready.  Both children didn't know of others conversation with me so it seemed unprompted and natural which I'm thankful for. At least I know the kids are comfortable talking with me.

Now to the kicker...this past Sunday morning my son and I were having breakfast before before his access with his daddy (the abuser) and he started talking about how he likes playing Bakugan with his daddy. He than finally got out what he was trying to tell me on that hectic Tuesday after the interview. He said to me the following,

"  I knew it was a secret and secrets are bad. "

I asked What are you talking about K?

He replied, " Daddy told me when I go to the hosbibal with mommy not to tell daddy touched my penis.  We learned secrets are bad at school that's why I told you mommy."

I told him that I was proud of him for telling me but it took everything in me not to freak out!  Just a few hours and I would have to drop my son off to this FREAK!  I managed it...how ? No idea... 

This is my Update on the past two Sundays for you all....Please continue to pray for us and especially my son. Our Assessment results are on August 25th, 2009 and I hope that at this point they will determine Supervised access with a Neutral third party is the plan.  Thank you again for all your support! 

Blessings! Mandee

I am pretty sure I just made my situation with the police worse. I was so upset last night after going over 7 hours of writing in response to the presumptuous and even at times discriminatory conclusions by the investigating detective that I called him and left him a "so so" nasty message.  I can normally control my frustration but it did come out.  I told him that had just finished reading his report and I was completely shocked and disturbed by what he wrote. I said I felt his conclusions were very presumptous and boardering on discriminatory. I said I'd like to meet with him as well as the detective overseeing my case as soon as possible. I began by saying that he could call me and than I said "actually I'd prefer you didn't call me and that you just called the detective in charge to schedule a time we can meet."  i don't think I should have been so confrontational given the sensitivity of my case but its a very touchy situation right now with Child Protective Services and I fear his comments could sway the assessors that I'm lying or somehow crazy.  As the detective put it, "  she seems to carry a guilt which I feel explains how she interprets her sexual relationship with the alleged."  In other words because I'm a Christian and felt guilty for not being able to stop his sexual assaults I somehow couldn't tell the difference between consentual sex and that of RAPE. 

Mandee 

I heard from the Detective again today that is in charge of the investigations of the sexual assaults of me and my two children.  We have been supposed to get together to discuss my concerns about the reports being so defamatory and even down right discriminatory in one comment. The reports were so disheartening and made me feel re-victimized all over again. I feel as if the Police are no better than the MOB but cuz they all stick together. The only exception is that these MOBSTERS have uniforms and call themselves the keepers of peace and justice. Give me a fricken break!  Each report I read was like the telephone game we used to play as kids. The only difference is when fact turns to fiction in this case is can be very damaging!  Ok so the venting is over. I just spent the last seven hours going over the reports and rebutting EVERY single inaccurate or presumptuous comment made by not one but THREE different officers in the Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Branch.  You know when you were kids and having a sleepover and one of the kids screams, " I SEE A GHOST!" and than suddenly all of the kids are seeing ghosts and than a mass hysteria breaks out.  That is what this feels like. It feels like because one Child protection Person who liked my ex and didn't much like me saw a ghost, suddenly the police, children's lawyers and the new child protection worker has seen a ghost. I now realize how damaging one Social Service Workers reports or slant put on things can affect the fairness of an investigation. There is really systemic ignorance blowing this into an entirely dangerous situation for my son.  I pray that they find out the truth before he continues to get hurt.  I pray for the strength to continue this fight.  I have a lawyer for the Family Court situation trying to gain supervised access with my ex who is the abuser but now I feel I need to consult a lawyer about a possible discrimination claim.  LORD LORD LORD!  Ok I'm all cried out.  I did do something really bordering on stupid...right after reading one of the detective reports I called and left a not so nice message telling him that I received his report and was shocked at his presumptuous comments and was intending on taking it further. I told him I was completely disgusted in what I read.  I was very upset but not yelling or crying.  You all are great to vent to :) 

I will contact the Aboriginal Legal Services in my area and see what they say about a possible investigation and claim against the police department if the Child Assessment Report comes back negative as a result of their reports.  I will let you all know (if I'm not crazy by then) what happens k!  Blessings Mandee

Hello Survivors & Supporters

I will say Sunday was interesting. K came home very emotional and while I was putting him to bed he tells me that he and dad had their time together while the girlfriend (the enabler of the abuser) who is supposed to supervise the access as recommended by the Child Protectives Services decided to leave the apartment entirely. K was talking about how he wanted to bring his bakugan ( a toy) to bed with him because him and dad (the abuser) were playing the game while the girlfriend (who is also a K initial) left to play a video game at her house. When I asked where the girlfriend's daughter was (who is 13 and better than no one) my son said she was gone to her grandpa's for the summer.  I don't know what has to happen to knock some sense into the enabling girlfriend's head but it might be an awful awakening for her one day. As much as I try to empathize with her situation being the girlfriend to a registered sex offender doesn't really make much sense and knowing the accusations that have come out of his OWN children's mouths why would you risk your child being placed alone with him?  I also realize when you are being abused you really do question whether your crazy and over reacting especially with a smooth manipulator like my ex.  I feel both angry with this woman and sorry for her...at times I can't figure out which one I am feeling toward her especially when she leaves my son alone with his abuser knowing she was trusted to protect him from her boyfriend.  I realize she doesn't believe that her boyfriend is a pedophile and that is exactly why I could never figure out the reasoning behind the Child Services asking her to supervise. ARGH! 

Ok so since access this past Sunday my son K had a bath on the Monday morning and I saw a large purple bruise on his right buttocks and right knee?  When I questioned K as to how he got the bruises he hesitated and said he fell at dad's house because "daddy waxed the floors"....hmmmm?  My son has never even heard of wax and unless his dad told him he waxed the floors or to use that excuse I have no idea how my son got these bruises. 

Any thoughts?  All prayers are appreciated...three weeks today the assessment comes back to determine my parenting capacity (whether I'm a liar) and whether there was abuse or not...( whether they want to bother acknowledging what they already know)...

I hope and pray for all those involved that they err on the side of caution and especially for the kids sakes considering what could happen if they continue taking chances with someone elses child.

Blessings to you all!  I miss you guys/gals!

Mandee

Sorry I haven't updated you all this past couple of weeks. My  computer is gone for a few months and I have alot going on right now with the child advocacy assessments closing up in August. Yes I will know if I'm a fit mother (do you believe this?!)  on August 25th and than professionals who don't even know us are going to tell me whether they think my children and I have been abused.   HMMMM!  Ok why does this make me angry?  I guess because I believe if you weren't there than you can't say it never happened and yet that is exactly what Child Services Worker said to me just last month about my son because he recanted....ok....here is the update...

Dad (the abuser) breached his court order and drove within the two block limit of my home but he was never charged by the police.  Then the next week he called child services to cancel is July 19th access.  This past Sunday the 26th of July my son saw his dad for three hours but needed to go to camp so I got to pick him up earlier with the abusers permission of course otherwise I'd be in contempt. The enabler (the abuser's girlfriend) was there on drop off so I'm assuming she was supervising to the best of her ability given her denial of the abuse.

I saw my lawyer today and gave him the developmental paediatrican's report that stated my son seems to have further developmental delays than first considered or he is very distressed.  The doctor than says he is concerned that the Child Services take my son's cognitive delays in account when interviewing him.  The Child services and police have been interviewing my son without accommodating his developmental delays and than wondered why he couldn't put the abuse disclosures into context.  This is because he is DELAYED!  OK a mom frustrated now.  Not uncommon when you see how they are failing my son. I will fight until there is nothing left to fight with and it's all because of the support from you all that helps me go forward remembering why I am doing it and risking seeming crazy.  Hope you are all well!

I have no computer for a few months, the other one broke and I'm trying not to use credit ....I am saving for a new one :)  Talk when I can

Blessings!

Mandee

Let me start by recommending for anyone who has suffered trauma DON'T take a lie detector test about the subject. It was re-traumatizing and inaccurate to say the least.  Everytime the assessor asked a question about the sexual abuse of my children my stomache turned, my breathing increased, and I had flashbacks of what happened. Does this make me a liar or am I just emotional about the issue in question?  

After the test I had persistant suicidal thoughts and nightmares. PTSD symptoms that were once a distant memory have taken full course this past weekend.  I used to put alot of faith into these tests and now I feel sorry for anyone innocent who are falsly accused.  If you think because you are telling the truth than you wil pass with flying colours I would re-think that theory especially if you have any emotion attached to the questions.   The test was inconclusive but from reading articles about victims taking polygraph's it says that the test almost always turns out as a lie for sexual abuse victims because of the PTSD symptoms that arise when being questioned.  With some research it turns out that they are only 61% effective which is just over chance.  If you are asked to do a test you would be better off flipping a coin to get your answers. As for me I will have to be satisfied that the answer to my question has always been inside of me and I will leave the proof up to God.

Take Care Everyone and thank you for the encouragement!

Mandee xoxoxo

I finally spoke with my lawyer today and he agreed that a lie detector test, if I was willing, sounded like a good idea. Given all the accusations thrown around in court and with CAS and the Assessors (people deciding if abuse occured)  I might want to provide at least the CAS and the assessors with the truth in the form of writing that is hard to dispute.  I am hoping it will sway them to at least take my children's abuse disclosures seriously since my son is still facing his abuser without protection. 

 I am going tomorrow for a lie detector test and I feel like a bundle of nerves. There has been so much controversy lately with respect to my children's disclosures that I almost feel an unjustified guilt that somehow I affected my children in this and yet I know in my mind I never lied to the police or Child services nor have I even thought to coherse them into saying things that are not true.  I am worried that this lie detector test won't matter.

Deep down it does matter because at least I can have something in my hand concrete to say ...look you are not crazy!  You didn't do anything wrong and you are trying as hard as you can to protect your kids even as far as a lie detector test.  Please pray for me to relax so it doesn't effect the test. I'm sure everyone gets nervous but I'm worried that my PTSD symptoms may flair up and the test will be null and void or worse It will turn out a failure. Apparently twenty years ago the police stopped giving victims lie detector tests because the PTSD symptoms caused their blood pressure to change etc when talking about the events. I was a victim of the same abuser we are talking about who abused my kids so it may be a conflict but I hope not.    There could be alot riding on this test tomorrow so I guess I will have to practice meditation/ prayer to stay relaxed. 

Hope you are all well! Blessings! Mandee xoxoxoxox

Sekrit Angel

When I was a young mother (still am lol) I took my daughter to a Pre-operation appointment at our local sick kids hospital. It was a minor surgery and we were to meet with the doctor about what to expect. My daughter was about three at the time so I was twenty three.  I went to the front desk and the lady took our names like usual and told us to wait.  We were called into the examination room and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  We spent alot of time at the doctors so I was a pro as to what was normal and this was the same as any other day and any other appointment until the physician walked in.

To give a brief history I had a pretty tough childhood and alot of abuse took place. I didn't have any good role models as to what was wholesome and good parenting or family life except through what I learned on television. I used to watch one show everyday after school at four o'clock and if I missed it I'd be spitting mad so I ran home to be sure I'd get there on time.  It was "Little House on the Prairie."   It taught me alot more than I ever anticipated and now looking back I can see how sometimes God would teach us things in ways we never could have imagined.  God knows me so well that he even knew what kind of angel to send me.

He sent me a white haired man dressed in an old fashioned black suit and an old leather doctor's bag like on Little House on the Prairie. For goodness sake he even had that big circle light thing the size of a tea plate on his forehead to examine the patient with.  He looked like he walked right off of the set of my favourite show.  Keep in mind this was 1999 not the 1920's and still I managed to keep an open mind.  Funny eh? 

He began examining my daughter and I had a strange trust that he knew exactly what he was doing.  After the exam he sat down in the chair in front of me and gently told me that my daughter was fine but then proceeded to tell me that he knew that I had a broken tail bone.  I was stunned. There was no way he could have seen it since I was sitting down and it was not even noticable without bending me right over completely undressed and still you might have to feel for it ! How did he know this?!  He didn't stop there. He said that he knew that my father had broken it when he kicked me and that he knew I was a good mother. He continued to say that if I was going to continue to be a good parent and stay well that I was going to have to deal with all the abuse I'd suffered at the hands of others.

Strangely as outspoken as I was at that time all I could do was sit in silence and soak up every word he said. I didn't know why but for some reason I knew what he was saying was true and I also knew it was a special message sent from God. I felt it...I can't say how but I knew it.  What confirmed my feeling even more was that when the doctor left and we were getting ready to leave another doctor entered the room and apologized but said we hadn't been scheduled for any appointments that week and that we'd have to reschedule for the following day because no doctors were available to see my daughter.  I asked kindly who that nice white haired doctor with the old leather medical bag was and the young physician looked back at me with a crooked look on his face and said we don't have anyone who works here that looks like that. 

Normally I would have freaked out and started screaming but I somehow knew that we had an appointment that day.... A Sekrit Angel appointment that God himself booked.  A confirmation came years later that I wasn't crazy or imagining this. I was in the hospital recently getting that crazy parenting capacity assessment  that has been scaring the life out of me lately and who did I see?  The same doctor getting on the elevator.  Was he real or an angel?  I guess I will find out one day but for today he gave me hope.  I pray you will all find your "sekrit angel" today. 

(I wrote sekrit like this because that is how my daughter used to write the word secret and I am honouring that in my true story) 

Blessings Everyone!  Mandee

Hello Ladies and Gents it's yet another Sunday update

K went to see his father and he came home with a bit of a scrape on his elbow but so far so good. He did say he had his visit with his dad and watched a movie called BOLT but only some of it.  I never like to hear he went to dad's house but by what my son is saying I think the girlfriend (enabler ) was with the abuser on access. Let's hope. No disclosures yet since April 2009 so hopefully with all the pressure of court, CAS and police involvement my ex is getting the hint that I won't go away and if he keeps touching than he will eventually get caught. 

The abuser has a restraining order to stay out of a two block radius of my home and guess what!  My neighbour caught him a block and a half away from my home driving. My neighbour took a photo of him there and the police came to speak with us. They said that they will not charge him with breach of a restraining order just because he was driving by. He didn't stop and he didn't knock on my door.  SO WHAT!  He was not allowed within two blocks of my house regardless of the circumstances whether he stopped or did summersaults I don't care. He was in breach of the order and I had a witness and still the police officers did nothing but call him to warn him as usual. It was the "officer's discretion"....ARGH!  It seems if you only mildly break the law the police here in Canada will overlook it.  I know by now you can all sense my frustration. I hope you will continue to pray for me and the kids. 

Another update...I am considering a lie detector test to alleviate any concerns that I'm prompting my kids to say such awful stuff.  My concern is the high cost and the likely hood I'd be wasting my money if it isn't admissible in court or the Child services or parenting assessors won't take it seriously. I am consulting my lawyer tomorrow.

Miss chatting...Love you all

Mandee

For those of you who are following this saga ...just a small bit of good news. I heard from the police detective who is overseeing all three of our cases and he has agreed to meet with me and an advocate to discuss what my next steps are to ammend all the awful statements the police have said about me and my parenting.  The really cool thing was that my lawyer offered to do a will for me for free so my ex won't get the kids if something happens to me...or at least that what we hope!  Blessings everyone...miss you all and chatting.  Blessings Mandee

Hi there

I want to apologize for leaving such a bent message last entry. I was really feeling sorry for myself :(  I am feeling a bit better since receiving some prayer from my church family but also by reading all your posts. 

An update:  K was sitting in the living room tonight and he said to me and my friend Phil that his "daddy" told him to call his step dad "dad" which is strange because the abuser ( my ex hates my husband) . I couldn't figure that out at first because my son has always referred to my husband as "daddy Kevin".  I thought about it and my friend came up with the scary thought that my ex was trying to pin the sexual abuse accusations about his "daddy"  on my husband. 

The good thing is that we thought my ex might try something like that and we both agreed that while accusations of sexual harm were being thrown around that it would be better that we avoid any other men including my husband being alone with K (my son) in fear the real perpetrator would try to blame my husband or someone else.  Turns out that the abuser is trying to convince my son to call his step dad "daddy" to cover for the accusations against "daddy."  This is all a theory but what do you guys think?  Do you think I"m being paranoid or is the abuser trying to manipulate the situation to protect himself in court?

I love you all and the support is appreciated...I have contacted my lawyer and the sexual assault centre in my neighbourhood to ask how I might respond to the police insensitivity and accusations being made against me on the police file in which soon everyone will have access too, even the Child Maltreatment assessors doing my parenting capacity assessment. Pray is appreciated and I with you all encouraging me I'm finding the strength to keep fighting my ex, the abuser.  I will keep you all posted.

Sunday seemed to have gone ok...it seems the enabler (his girlfriend) was there ...I think

Take Care...and look forward to hearing from you all!

Blessings! Mandee

Hi everyone

It's taking all I have inside of me to even check my messages so if I haven't emailed you back it's because my world feels as if it's falling apart.  I just read through some police records that accuse me of being a liar and in a indirect and sick way imposing my abuse onto my children.  I am completely shell shocked at how this could happen. I guess I really am crazy eh?  I guess I really need to give up or lose the kids.  I am afraid that the fight has ended and I will have to give in and pretend everything is alright or I will lose them. After reading the sexual assault detective writing that I have put my children in " potentially percarious" situations.  I'm confused.....first he says that my ex didn't do it and I'm only reported the sexual assaults because I'm "obsessed with having him charged." and than in thesame breath the detective writes that I am putting my children in potentially dangerous situations with respect to my ex. I feel as if I have been dissected and all my faults were exposed and exhaggerated in order for the police to avoid accepting responsibility for their past mistakes or even acknowledging that they were unable to charge him.  One thing that stood out above the rest was what he said about me implying I somehow concocted this whole story by "schooling myself in abuse and the traits of an abused women". That comment was unnecessary given that I went to school for Social Services and know this because it was going to be my job to help abused women escape what I experienced.  My heart is completely raw right now.  The detective could have concluded his case without making such subjective comments!  I'm not sure how to deal with this except go to a lawyer.  Because the police don't believe me now I feel as if my children's cases are not being taken seriously because of it. I wish I'd never told. I wish I shut my FUkn TRAP! 

Mandee :(

Hey there again. Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I have taken K to the doctor's in the past for a sore penis and in fact he was diagnosed with an infection of his penis by the urgent care physician.  I took the physician aside after he diagnosed my son and told him what my son had told me about his father touching his penis and that is why it hurt.  The doctor went back to the room my son was in and asked him, "why does your penis hurt?"  K responded and said " my daddy touches it on sundays and it hurts." The urgent care doctor called the Child Protective Services and they investigated. Two months later the physician finally calls the Child Services back and by that point he doesn't remember exactly what happened and told them that I had prompted my son in disclosing. That made me freak out and essentially I lost some credibility in their eyes I'm sure. What mother wouldn't? 

Ok so the sore penis from today is likely the tenth one since access began unsupervised a couple of years ago and before that when access was supervised I don' t think K had one.  I decided at three o'clock this afternoon it wouldn't be good to ignore the sore penis and yet I was terrified that if I took him to the doctor I might be accused of taking him too much.  I was accused by his father (the abuser ) to Child Services that I bring my son (who has special needs) to the doctor's too much!  Since the last experience I decided I would stick to my family doctor who knows I'm not doing this to be vindictive and ask his advice.  He told me to bring K in right away so he could assess whether he had another infection.  My doctor looked at his penis and said it was red on the tip but not necessarily an infection (whew!).  K told the doctor it did hurt but not when he urinated.  The doctor and I talked when my son was out of the room and we discussed my concerns that since it was directly after access whether or not he was adequately supervised.  I knew he'd been at a party but I wondered if there was a time he was alone with his dad. Turns out the physician asked my son if he went to the bathroom at the park and he said yes.  The doctor than asked who took him to the bathroom and my son said his dad.  The doctor expressed his concern that bathroom time would be the very moment the child should be supervised the most and she obviously wasn't watching him as she should be if she were truly supervising.  This didn't surprise me since I know the enabler girlfriend doesn't believe any of this is really happening.

So it is CONFIRMED....my son came home after six weeks of feeling fine and than on a day my ex takes him to the bathroom alone my son comes home with a red and sore penis. This man has already alleged abused another child and I know first hand that he raped me repeatedly so what am I supposed to think?  Am I supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is the biological father

Hey Ladies and gents...as you can tell by my title I'm getting tired and frustrated. My son K came home with a sore penis again. I am not allowed to ask much in fear I lead him into disclosing something that didn't happen. This makes perfectly good sense but it can be tiresome to wait for answers.   He said this just as I was putting him to bed. It was his birthday this past thursday and I am pretty sure he was at a birthday party.  This makes me think " Well he was supervised so how could my ex have touched him in the middle of a park?"  Than the devil's advocate kicks in and says..." Hmmm if a person is going to sexually abuse a kid they will find a way...like a bathroom etc."  So guys I'm confused and frustrated today.  K got home and seemed really tired, a bit arguementative and with a sore penis.  He said he had a lot of fun playing T-Ball.....what do you all think?  Am I being paranoid?

Thanks!

Blessings! Mandee

Hey Everyone!  I wanted to let you know that Sunday went great thank goodness. I am happy not because he's seeing the abuser still but because I am taking this whole thing by the week and sometimes by the day.  K went to a birthday party this past Sunday with his cousin and was around alot of the abuser's family so he was likely a bit safer because of it. He was very arguementative before he left but he came home with a goody bag from the party so he was very excited.  I am still awaiting the Child Advocacy Assessment Program Report that has been since June of last year. They promised a report by June 30 and now they are delaying it further all the while my child sees his abuser and it makes me think that the CAAP Assessors have no real serious concerns about me or the ex. Either that or they really have no clue until they finish their report and they may consider his girlfriend a suitable supervisor (who has been known to leave my son alone with his dad).  OH my! I'm still speculating on how all this will turn out and frankly I don't think much will change unless my son is abused further and has more physical evidence on him....Lord help me I'm ranting again! LOL

Ok I wanted to let you know the fight in court about this all is about to get heated. I have finished my affidavit in response to his and his girlfriends attacks for what feels like the 100th time.  I decided to go after all that I deserve if he is going to pretend to be a father who wants what is best for his son. I'm going after compensation for every medical expense I've paid for my son over the past 8 years totally approximately $25,000.  On top of lawyers fees I'm hoping he will see that fighting me might not have been a good idea because there is nothing like a momma bear protecting her cub. 

My ex filed a contempt motion against me for about the fourth time in the last two years trying to have me thrown in jail for not sending my son on access. Each and every one of those motions was thrown out of court because I was doing this in response to abuse allegations while an investigation was going on. The most recent one I will be fighting will be a little tougher because the Child Services said my son could go on access until they completed their investigation. How can you send a child on access in the middle of investigating serious allegations such as sexual abuse?  Why?  Because they don't believe my son!  That is why.  Don't they tell you in schools as you grow up that you should keep telling until someone believes you.  Don't the police visit the schools and say this bull?  It's no wonder we decide we will tell the police and get a shock when the very people who said they would believe you are the ones dragging you through the third degree and never end up pressing charges....ok venting again sorry

To keep with the story...I'm filing a counter contempt motion, my affidavit and another motion for financial compensation and increased child support.  I am hoping for prayers for a really good judge who will see past all the smoke and mirrors the abuser's lawyer puts up and we can get down to the real issues. I am asking for prayer for the next judge to see fit in stopping or at least supervising access.  I hope you will all pray in agreement with me? I will keep you posted...you are wonderful and in my hearts everyday.

Blessings! Mandee

Hi everyone. I just watched Oprah Winfrey and this is a great opportunity to convince her to have David on the show or at least to feature his web site after a show such as the one on today.  Oprah has been talking about seduction online to young thirteen year old girls and the stories of young girls being raped by sexual predators. One mother named Danielle had a daughter who eventually commited suicide by hanging.  The girl was only fourteen years old.  Maybe this site could have helped Danielle's daughter.  I'm hoping our stories and how PWP is helping survivors who have suffered from this horrible crime will convince Oprah to spread the word.  You can email oprah at  www.oprah.com/plugform.jsp?plugId=220 and share your desire for her to talk of PWP with the world. Imagine how many lives this could save!  Blessings everyone, Mandee

Hi everyone. This Sunday K came home a bit emotional but otherwise it went ok as far as I know. This is the longest length of time my son has gone without injury or disclosure so I want to say that our prayers must be working. The enabler (girlfriend of his father) has likely been attending since the allegations of sexual harm happened when she was supposed to have been supervising. It may have opened her eyes a bit that she shouldn't be leaving access and her boyfriend (my ex the abuser and K's father) alone with his son K.  I am sorry it took so long to update everyone. It's been a busy week. I have been reviewing and preparing my abuse information into a timeline for a Criminal Compensation Claim. This process is not for the weak of heart because they ask for details of each event of the abuse. The claim has to be submitted within two years of the last incident and the sexual assaults stopped on July 1, 2007.  I have only a few weeks to complete the 12 years of abuse details. I want to ask for your encouragement and support because I'm finding this difficult to say the least.  I hope you are all well and I  miss chatting! Blessings!  Mandee

I was leaving a message for one of the survivors on here about a phrase that God put on my heart just after leaving my abusive partner when I felt I couldn't go on another day....I thought I should share this with all of you and hope that someone will be given some encouragment today. Here it is....

" When you are feeling so bad you can hardly breathe, take one more breath in faith and you will be healed."

I pray you all get the healing intended for you.  Another thing that I shared with this person I'd like to share with you is that one prayer that I believe brought me the healing i needed. I can be stubborn and one day when I was laying in bed feeling completely sorry for myself and barely able to function.  I had a thought...what if I'm doing something to sabatoge my own healing. What if I keep doing the same thing over and over again that is interfering in the healing God has planned for me...well geuss what ...I must have been (not saying its your fault you are suffering I was just stubborn lol)  because I was healed dramatically after this prayer.  I guess you can call it a prayer of trust and surrender.  Don't be disappointed because it's a short but sweet one...here it is and for all those stubborn people out there who keep doing the same self harming behaviours I hope you will consider whole heartedly praying this one.  Don't be surprised if the Lord brings you through the stuff you were avoiding after this.  Here it is,

"Lord, Heal me in SPITE of myself."    and he did just that! 

Blessings to all my survivor friends !  I love you

Mandee

In Canada they are called CAS or Children's Aid Society.  A worker is coming tomorrow to discuss the communication log with me and the "rules and guidelines" I believe my ex (the abuser) has set up for himself in order to co-operate and communicate the important issues. He should as a caring father be writing when his son had his puffers, if he has injuries (he's had several while in his care) and other important things like whether he can help with my son's special needs supplies. Instead since my son came out with his first Sexual Abuse Allegations my ex (the abuser) has decided to completely ignore any and all of the entries in the communication log. I tell the CAS that it's important for my son's safety that the ex use the log and document important health related details if he can't be mature enough to include other details that is not my problem. They must have had a meeting or discussed this with them and I get a call from CAS requesting a meeting to discuss guidelines for the communication book. I've only spent the last 6 months being sickly respectfull to a man who has been allegedy sexually abusing my son so not to appear unco-operative or aiming to "alienate" his father.  Than to top it all off the CAS has to talk to me about GUIDELINES????? Would you all pray that my head doesn't pop off because I've just about taken all I can take ! They are giving my ex the means to control just about every aspect of visitations even though he's been charged and convicted with possession of child porn on top of all the allegations of two children and myself.  How can anyone stay sane when this is the kind of "help" these agencies are providing our kids.  I wasn't writing to vent...although that has helped :)   I genuinely would like some prayer since I am meeting with them alone and fear that anything said will be used in a court against me later.  I will say that they should warn you like cops just before they arrest a potential criminal.  The CAS should come with a warning label that reads, we are allowed to lie to get what answers we are looking for, we are allowed to put our own twist on things, be aware that anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law...blah blah blah....ok I need prayer just to relax....lol  I love all of you who are willing to read my rants and actually pray lol Blessings & Thank you  Mandee 

The first part of my story explained all the abuse I went through but not the miracle that happened next.  I will have to explain how I got my life back by telling you how I got there first. 

I escaped the abuser in 2001 when he was convicted of Possession of Child Porn but that facade of safety for a year didn't last.  I had a year where I lived on my own (with my son and daughter)  in a three bedroom home I got through city housing for abused women.  We enjoyed the new feeling of freedom from abuse and began to live a somewhat normal life.  After two years of therapy for myself and my daughter (my son was too young)  I met my husband and his name also starts with a K so I will call him "Special K" from now on because he liked that nickname.  It was Christmas time when I met special K and since I was staying home from my family affair to rest from the chaos I decided it would be nice to invite my new friend over for Christmas.  To my surprise he wasn't doing anything for Christmas and he came over.  We had a very nice dinner and my kids found him to be HILARIOUS!  Special K has a great way of making you laugh.  After dinner the kids went to bed and we decided to talk most of the evening sharing our stories and our favourite songs.  This peace was short lived because at 11 pm there was a  cop like kick at my door and than another one and than there were numerous kicks and hits as if someone was trying to kick down the door.   I was horrified and special K (my new date) was angry at this man who was trying to get in. He looked out the window and asked me what my ex looked like.  I described him and special K told me that I should call the police because it was my abuser who was trying to kick down the door in a jealous rage.  My abuser was supposed to be restrained from doing this and the police were supposed to enforce the restraining order.  This never happened. In fact  the 911 operator heard the bangs and told me to yell at my abuser to leave because the police were coming. The kicking stopped and the police arrived to my house.  When they got there they told me they did find my ex and he was parked behind my house on the other street. This should have alarmed the police that this man had a restraining order and was told the police were coming and he still didn't leave!  Nope, instead the officers said that he was given a warning to leave and that his intent in trying to kick my door down was to see that I was ok !  I was shocked they believed that bull and that they weren't going to inforce the court ordered protection order put in place to ensure he didn't continue to abuse or harrass me and the kids.  This is how the system fails us abused women.

When that happened my new date special k (who eventually became my husband) didn't tell  me at the time but he stayed until 5 am on Christmas day talking because he wanted to be sure the kids and I were going to be ok. What a BEAUTIFUL thing to do.  Yes as you can tell I appreciate my husband to this day given all that he has tried to do to protect me from my abuser.  In the end I had to stand up for myself or the abuse was never going to stop and this is what I will explain in a bit. 

After this special k visited almost everday and put up with mine and my daughter's PTSD symptoms that used to interfere alot in our dates.  Looking back I probably would have ran from me but he didn't.  After 5 or 6 months into our relationship I  was convinced by my ex that he had been attending therapy with his Pastor for his previous sexual assaults on me, had become a Christian and was looking forward to finishing his Sex Offenders treatment.  I was naive to think this was really true but I wanted so bad for my kids to have a good dad so I gave my abuser the benefit of the doubt.  Over the next two years my ex became increasingly friendly and even managed to get the courts to order unsupervised access to both my kids.

All the while lying about his therapy and at least three sexual assaults on me throughout my dating and marriage to my husband.  I knew that over those years my new husband special K was increasingly becoming more frustrated with my ex (the abuser's) behaviours intruding on the confines of our marriage and constantly using the kids to be in touch with me.  My abuser would constantly tell me what a worthless husband and marriage I had pointing out all my husbands faults instead of sticking to the conversation about the kids.  The abuser would ask me if he could do anything for me and treated me so sweetly. 

I was so convinced my ex had changed because he was baptised and now a believer in God that I even went behind my husband's back and stayed in touch with my ex but only with the intent to stay on parenting issues and to be friendly.  I was feeling as if this was what was best for my kids, to have two parent who could co-operate.  It got to the point I even allowed my ex abuser at my house to pick up and drop off my kids when my husband was gone away for the summer of 2005.  One day I was sick and he arrived to help with the kids and this is when one of the three assaults happened.  

 This was also when I realized my ex was using the kids to manipulate me and eventually get me to leave my husband and take him back.  When I resisted  his advances or telling him I'd be leaving my husband the abuser (my ex) sexually assaulted me.  After the assault he told me that my husband would leave me if he found out!  I was shook to the deepest part of my being at this point. All the safety I felt was a facade, all the true healing we had from the past was a lie.  I allowed my ex to come back into our lives and he destroyed it again and my marriage with it.  I was so wrecked emotionally and physically that after the assault I managed to call my husband and tell him what happend begging him to come home from being out of town.  This didn't happen and I stayed alone in bed for three days vomitting and shaking with awful flashbacks. 

My husband didn't come home for three more months actually and that left me open to more stalking and attacks.  I was very suicidal but never tried to kill myself.  I did end up quitting my job for "personal medical reasons" in writing but I was brave enough to tell my manager what really was happening. My husband did come home and tried to be supportive and even attended my work to help me tell my manager why I was leaving.  He waited outside the door while I met with her and explained the sexual assaults and my need to recover from them.  I felt it was too much to continue to work. She seemed very nice about it and I left work at a job I loved (a counselling position with the AIDS Network).

Over the next several months I experienced very serious weight gain (102 pounds), sleep disturbances, flashbacks, fatigue, bloodsugar swings and the lack of desire to go anywhere and increasing suicidal thoughts.  I look back and realize now that alot of it was PTSD and depression.  My husband suffered too. He had lost 20 pounds, tried to keep up the housework, the kids and his work. He in fact quit his job to stay home to help look after the kids and accompany me on many appointments with therapists, endocrinologists etc trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  During this time he relapsed on over the counter prescription drugs, felt depressed and angry but had no outlet. He even became abusive with me calling me names like "c*nt , slut" and other slangs that a woman should never be called. He got so frustrated he began throwing things at me, getting in my face and berating me.  When my marriage started disintegrating before my eyes I couldn't help but remember what my abuser said after assaulting me, "your husband will leave you now, he won't stay if you tell him what happened." 

I didn't believe this because my husband loved me in a sincere way not a sick way like my abuser did. I had faith that special K and I had a special bond that nothing my ex abuser could do to break that.  I was wrong. Over the two years my husband became my worst nightmare. He stabbed the picture of my face with a knife and ruined our beautiful wedding picture.  There were times I was afraid to sleep. I have never saw a rage like I saw in his eyes when he would scream at me about my ex and the assault. He even accused me of cheating with him and confessed to finding it hard to believe me about the assault.  I guess the abusive behaviour even scared my husband and instead of finding a way to vent his anger in a healthy way he decided to shut down completely. 

Special K didn't speak to me at all for an entire year and instead of doing anything he watched television.  All this while living together in our home. I used to joke with the few friends I had that I memorized each line on the left side of my husbands face because that was all I saw in the last year of our marriage. I was crushed beyond belief that abandonned me emotionally and give me no reason for it. Later he admitted that he was afraid he would continue abusing me so he just stopped everything.   He just sat there and checked out of life for a while. My husband did set up Sexual assault counselling but I left it after only a few sessions because the abuse got worse after sessions, my husband wasn't following through on the "fighting rules" and I was overwhelmed with not having any coping skills to deal with what was being dragged up.  This just wasn't my healing path.  I wasn't ready to deal with all that had happened even if it meant losing my marriage. 

On May 31, 2007 only two years and ten days after the first serious assault I filed for divorce. I didn't do this to leave my husband but instead I was hoping it would encourage him to go back for help and talk to me.  This never happened instead when I served him the papers he told me he wanted the divorce.  I was so angry that he made me suffer the year of being ignored, I was devestated that I had just heard my husband say he didn't want the marriage, I was crushed because my ex abuser had "WON". This kept going through my mind. The bastard won!  He got what he wanted and ruined my marriage.  He was RIGHT!  My abuser was right. My husband would hate me and he does!  That day I snapped.  After 10 years of stalking, harrassment, physical, emotional and sexual abuse from my ex abuser.  I couldn't take one more day of pain, one more day of rape and one more day of re-victimization. The pain was so deep I lost touch with my purpose for living.  It was either kill my abuser or kill myself.  I wasn't a murderer so the only other option was to stop the pain and to stop the abuser from ever hurting me again.  I lost faith in the police in protecting me, my husband in protecting me and my own ability to protect myself.  

I went to the basement of my home and found really strong Nike Rollarblade laces that my husband and I had bought to skate together with and tied them together. I tried hanging myself when my husband came down and stopped me.  He contacted the police and I was brought to the local hospital but before going with the police I managed to grab a bunch of pills and kept them with me.  One of the two officers found them in my hand several hours later and said something with complete sincerity... he said , "Oh Amanda" as if his heart was breaking for me and that snapped me out of it.  The compassion in his voice is all I needed. It was like for the first time someone saw the pain I was in for what it was.  I felt understood. 

At the hospital I was admitted for five days and my husband came to a meeting with the doctors and myself. He said, "the only reason I'm here is to make sure she doesn't come home".  Talk about SALT in an open wound.   He kicked me while I was down for the last time and contributed to the reason I was in the hospital. Had my husband refrained from abusing and blaming me I may have been able to continue to abuse myself.  I know those reading this are probably saying "eh?"  abuse yourself.  I spent several years during the repeated rapes and long afterward being hard on myself, criticizing my every move. I even tried  Ignoring  the past assaults and tried to continue believing that all my mental health issues were all because I was crazy.

What Special K did was show me that he was not willing to continue to enable me to stay sick.  He was getting sick too and checked out of the marriage without my knowledge.   Don't get me wrong he isn't the hero here, my husband was abusive but his actions led to the healing I've received today.  It forced me to look into the mirror and acknowledge what had happened to me over the past ten years.  I had to take a really good look at what I'd been through and stand up for myself.  Special K forced me to hit my ROCK BOTTOM.

At the hospital I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in order to start their Dialectical Behavioural Therpy group. At the time I wasn't thrilled with the idea and as a counselor I hated accepting a mental health label that would allow any stigma to be attached to me.  I decided that this was my only hope left so with that l accepted the label and put all my effort into my therapy. Two years later my PTSD symptoms dropped by 75% and I'm feeling at times better than I was at 17 before I met my abuser.  I have my life back! 

Today I pray that all those reading this story will get their healing and take back their lives!  It starts with acknowledging what happened to you and the depth of the pain .

Thank you for reading :) 

Blessings! Mandee    

My son K saw the abuser (his daddy) today and the enabler (his girlfriend) was on access again (at least that is what my son was talking about alot).  I'm relieved because I heard he went to his uncle Fred's and had a good time. I am afraid to let my guard down and say all went well and he wasn't touched because just when I say that he comes out with something that makes my stomache clench related to being touched by his daddy.  I am praying that this weekend went well....so I will just say that I think it went without abuse.  I appreciate all those who are following along and praying each Sunday for my son's Safety during his access visits to his fathers.  It's been 4 or 5 weeks now since he disclosed any sexual abuse and lets hope that it will be stopped soon.  No abuser stops so I doubt he will stop abusing but I just pray we can protect my son from further sexual touching. While you are praying, would you add that the Child Advocacy Assessment Program will decide in the favour of me and my kids?  I know that they are an experienced team of professionals put in place to determine if abuse is happening but I still fear my ex (the abuser) will be able to convince them that he is the victim of slander and lies.  I hope these professionals (unlike the others) will see that he is abusive and has abused me and my kids and decide to put things in place to ensure this will never happen again.  Blessings to all those who are here seeking healing!  I love you all for being here to support me through this time and I hope I've helped some of you too.  Blessings! Mandee

For those of you who are following this saga with my son K who is court ordered to see the abuser (convicted sex offender) his father unsupervised.  K is 7 years old and has delays.  My son has a developmental paediatrician who has recently been following what is happening with my son.  The school called me a week ago very concerned about K's behaviours because they have changed drastically in the last few weeks according to his education asst and his Teacher. 

I wasn't surprised because this was around the time K disclosed his sexual abuse for the second time to Child Protective Services here in Canada.  I didn't say this to the teacher in fear that it may get back to the Child Services that mom is being "hysterical" again attributing everything that goes wrong with K to his father's access.  Instead I booked an appointment with the Paediatrician and asked for him to help me understand what could be happening all the while trying to keep an open mind.  It's been hard to stay open minded knowing what my son has said.

Anyway back to my point...My son's paediatrician seemed to understand my concerns as to how the Child Protective Services could interview my son who has congnitive delays the exact same way they interview a more advanced child.  (in the last interview my son recanted his story) It was so disheartening!  The doctor said that he feels my son doesn't fit the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis and that the behavioural issues are stress related. He cannot say where the stress is coming from.  Good news is that my son is being referred to a group of doctors that can assist the CAS in their interviewing my developmentally delayed child with some sort of accomodation or understanding of his cognitive delays! What a relief!  I wish I had this help over a year ago when this all started but it's never too late and if the abuse continues at least my son will be interviewed in a manner taking his cognitive abilities into account. 

I feel as if this was a productive appointment and this doctor is recognizing the stress my son is under.  I have only been asking for help for his behaviours for the past two years but the CAS was saying it must be me influencing his behaviours because they weren't happening at school.  Now they aren't happening at home and they are coming out at school.  I guess they may have to re-think that theory.  I hope the Lord ends this mess soon and provides wisdom to those professionals involved and that my son gets the help he needs and is protected from his father. 

This appointment proves my concerns were accurate and that the Child services should be taking into account my son's cognitive delays!  I feel better knowing that I'm not wrong this time and I may have advocated well for my son today!  Please continue to pray for us and the professionals involved in this ongoing disaster!  Thanks!  Blessings Mandee

By the way after I wrote the P.S Sunday Message I got a call from the Child Services Agency involved in this mess with my ex (the abuser) and as you all know he isn't using the communication log regardless of the injuries my son gets in his care.  Yet I have been doing this consistantly for six months providing him more information than he deserves and what do they do?  They ask him about it (I'm guessing) and now Child Services  are coming to see me and I guess the abuser / controller has dictated rules/ guidelines for the communication log !  Do you believe the power they are giving him! The Child Services Agency is being used as a way to threaten or intimidating me into doing what he wants and they don't even SEE this!   IT DRIVES ME FRICKEN CRAZY!!!!! He was court ordered to report all injuries or illness, refrain from all horseplay and refrain from feeding my son chocolate for the child's protection and the CAS is coming to see ME?!! I'm the one co-operating.  I haven't once heard anything about what the Child Services are doing to ensure dad follows the court order but I have to follow it by sending my son??  They seem to have a double standard here and it's sick!  Lord help me survive this!  Blessings to you all for reading my venting :)  Mandee

I forgot!  Do you know what a stupid thing I did!  I will tell you ....oh my ....We have a blue communication folder that we pass back and forth on access exchanges so that much needed communication can happen since my son has alot of special needs that need to be discussed.  In this blue plastic file folder is a book to write in (which dad hasn't used since December last year) , several accident report pages (which dad never uses).   I took this book to my lawyers appointment to address the issue that dad isn't using the log even when it's in the best interest of his son like when he got his puffers for his asthma ect.  When I took this I also took my abuse , access and Child protective services TIMELINE JOURNAL that i've been writing that has each and every conversation ever had in it, every injury and every allegation my son has made about his father...including the conversations with CAS in it.  What did I do?  STUPID  ME ....I put it in the folder so I didn't lose it....well I forgot to take it out of the folder and for the last four access visits or even more the abuser has had all this information ...ALL OF IT! 

I found it when i was checking to see if dad had filled out an accident report for the bloody nose and realized I had forgotten to take the timeline out before handing over the folder to the abuser (dad).  When I saw the timeline the staple was removed and a new one was put in it which means dad the abuser likely copied it and forwarded it to his lawyer.  Now the sh&* head has a good idea what is happening and can plan to defend himself and the girlfriend can continue to enable by lying for him!  ARGH!  All I want to do is protect my son from a dead beat child molester and I handed the feakin information he needed to defend against the allegations right to him....I feel awful! 

Blessings Mandee

I promised to keep you posted on how it went with my son's visits with his dad (the abuser) and I am sorry it took so long to place this entry post.  K went on Sunday and it seems the abuser's girlfriend was on access again (the enabler) and I think nothing happened so far except a bloody nose.  At least when she is present I can be almost sure he isn't going to molest my son.  K came home with a significant amount of dark crusted blood in his right nostril and when I was cleaning it out he comment on how it happened.  He said his daddy started it and was "horseplaying" with him and his dad's girlfriends daughter (who let me say is only 13 years old and left alone with the abuser often).  Yes the girlfriend knows my exes past of abuse but she refused to believe it....even though the abuser was convicted of possession of child porn in 2002.  Regardless my son was elbowed in the nose and dad wiped his nose but never noted in our communication log of the injury.  My son says that He got hit in the ear too.  I may seem like a paranoid mother but the last "horseplay" event that my son had with his father led to a split lip.  The time before that my son tripped and hit his head so hard that he had seizures, hearing loss and now requires a permanent hearing aid.  My son loss vision in his right eye when dad wasn't supervising and he allowed my son to play on a skateboard in a pool without a helmet.  He fell and hit his already visually impaired eye and made it worse.  I don't know if I'm over reacting but I'm sure fed up with the injuries going unreported and the injuries in general.  WHEW! Ok I vented ...any prayers, suggestions, comments are all appreciated.  Otherwise all those who have been praying...well it's working!  I am so glad my son has had 4 weeks and no reports of sexual abuse so far!  WHEW!  Blessings everyone :)  Mandee

I just got the answers I needed to know why I have a strong aversion to red haired men. I could never date them and barely liked looking at them most of my life and I couldn't understand why except to say that I was picked on my a boy from grade school with bright red hair.  Turns out years later we connected on Facebook again and became friends.  I unknowingly chatted with him about our childhood and laughing about how he teased me alot and I even got an apology.  I got more than an apology...I got the truth (or at least his version of it).. He said we almost had sex...and in fact that when I tried to place his penis in my ...you know I missed and slipped off his desk.  When I slipped his penis entered my anus.  This is unbelievable but I don't remember any of it!  It's crazy because I only remember hating his gutts.  Is this guy a freak?  Or did this really happen. I do remember one moment when we kissed under the crab apple tree long before I was ten when he said this all happened.  I can't believe it!  He also said alot more happened under that tree than what I described.  I know because we were close in age that it wasn't considered sexual abuse but something awful must have happened to turn me off of men with red hair that strongly my entire life!  OK I'M FREAKING OUT right now and need to find a way to absorb this information.  It's  weird because I thought I remembered alot of my childhood and now these really significant things come up and I feel like a stranger learning about this young girl who did this....Can anyone help or offer support, suggestions or even tell me what I should do?  Crazy but my head is swimming.  I wish you all the best tonight!  Blessings Mandee

As a survivor I spent years trying to figure out boundaries after sexual abuse so as promised this is the Statement I gifted the group ( my last post) and I hope it will inspire you to take care of yourself in your relationships as it did me.....

It Is Never My Responsibility To:

Give what I really don't want to give.

Sacrifice my integrity to anyone.

Do more than I have time to do.

Drain my strength for others.

Listen to unwise counsel.

Retain an unfair relationship.

Be anyone but exactly who I am.

Conform to unreasonable demands.

Be one hundred percent perfect.

Follow the crowd.

Put up with unpleasant people.

Bear the burden of another's misbehavior.

Do something I canot really do.

Endure my own negative thoughts.

Feel guilty toward my inner desires.

Submit to overbearing conditions.

Meekly let life pass me by. 

Author unknown

I went to a meeting tonight for loved ones of those who have Borderline Personality Disorder and was truly humbled.  I was invited there as a guest speaker because two years ago I was diagnosed with the Disorder and have now come into recovery.  I spent the day nervous about what to disclose and what not to.   When I entered the room it was full of smiling and welcoming faces.  I was given the opportunity to speak for over an hour and meet those who are still suffering along side their loved ones.  When I arrived there it was my goal to spread hope to those who still suffer.  The night was much more.  I never realized the impact of what was really happening in that room.  As in the Native tradition I brought a token gift for everyone that was a statement of self love and I gave it to them. 

When we were finished I was gifted an amazing bouquet of flowers that would've made me bawl like a baby had I not been in the presence of strangers who thought my emotions were under control LOL! ( For those who don't know Borderline is an Emotion disregulation disorder).   I never expected to feel so appreciated just for telling my story from suffering to healing which is part of my survival story too.

  The biggest gift I received tonight besides the hope in the faces of those I spoke with was the healing that came from sharing my recovery journey.  By sharing the journey I was reminded of how far I had come and the hope that lay ahead in my future.  I feel sooooo good!  Gifting others with my story healed me more than I think it helped those who listened.  I want to share the statement gift that I handed out tonight with you all but I will have to get it to you tomorrow night  because it's in the car :)  Recovery is possible and each day you are alive is a good day!  Blessings Mandee

Hello to all of the Survivors on this site and a special thanks to all those keeping my son in prayers each and every Sunday when he sees his father (the abuser).  He went this week and nothing so far. I think it went without any abuse because his girlfriend (the enabler) was on access with him. I hope this is true but I never really know and often children don't tell right away so I wait and hope my son has had a normal visit.  I can't tell you how important it is to have all of you checking in to see how it went.  It tells me that you are truly thinking about my precious son and how I deserve such a blessing is beyond me!  Thank you all again for your support.  I pray you too will have the support you need on PWP with other survivors and supporters.  Blessings! Mandee

I tried to edit my story so not to offend or scare anyone but it seems I wrote two entries that have been considered offensive to some people so I thought by sharing my story a little deeper that all of you who were offended would understand better and stop assuming I couldn't possibly understand or that I am somehow racist or discriminatory.  Neither are true. So here is my story and after reading it could you re read my mother's day entry and my Sunday Avoided entry?  Thanks :)

  My name is Mandee, I'm a 34 year old mother of two children with severe disabilities. I was born to a Mi'kmaq/Inuit Father and a White mother (Scottish, English and German).  I live in Canada and was raised in an alcoholic and abusive home. My tail bone was broken (and not repairable) at the age of four by my father.   My older sister threw me down the stairs as a joke and laughed calling me fat at any chance she could.  By age eight I was forced to give a 17 year old young man sexual gratification without understanding the impact this would have.  At age 14 I had to leave my home because my alcoholic mother couldn't afford to leave my abusive father and frankly was content is being miserable.  ( I love my mother & father and healing has taken place today).

 So as a result by age fifteen I had 25 sexual partners because I had no idea what love was and desparately wanted to feel it.  I was told by 25 year old men they loved me and after they had sex with me they dumped me.  By 16 I met my first long term boyfriend and we moved in together.  I worked three jobs and tried to finish highschool.  At age 17 (a month before my 18 the birthday)  my boyfriend graduated from college and left the country leaving me with all the bills. I worked hard and decided the money was't enough and going to leave me starving.  I was not educated enought to earn more than minimum wage so I began stripping.  For my 18th birthday when I told my sister what I was doing for money I got called a Whore. By 19 I was a drunk myself and decided to quit drinking when I got pregnant with my daughter. I had my first child at 19 ( who I love deeply and would never regret).  The father abandonned us and we were left to fend for ourselves.  On my 20th birthday my grandfather got drunk and decided to ask me to have sex with me.  How devestating it was to reply with a  " NO thank you" all my life so this time with all the flash backs of my grandfather's advances at very young ages I managed to utter " Not this time! You aren't going to do this to me anymore!"  My grandfather disowned me for a few years after that .... (C'est la vie!  Tis life)

At age 19 when I was stripping I met my new partner who was worse than all the rest. Looking back it's not surprising that I would meet a sex offender at a strip bar.  I spent the next 12 years dealing with his abuse.  It started two years into the relationship when he forced oral sex.  With his pornography addiction the rest of the assaults got worse and worse.  He loved snuff films (films about killing women during sex)  and would act these out on me.  He raped me repeatedly until I was just a shell of a person. I went from a healthy young lady of 125 pounds to an astounding 76 pounds. It took the help of my church and dedicated men and women in the field of abuse to help me. 

During the abuse I was choked, thrown, degrated with food etc.... The deepest damage had nothing to do with the torn anus or weight.  The most significant damage was to my mind and my spirit.  I was terrified to sleep or eat because he threated to kill me if I left him. When I did try leaving he would stalk me with repeated phone calls, climbing ladders to my windows and breaking into my house.  The police in our city were far from perfect in their response so the abuse continued.  The comments I received when reporting were " It is his word against hers, we will speak to him and maybe he can just leave instead."  or the one I really detest now is the one when an insensitive male officer said, " I wake my wife up with sex" as if somehow he thought I was over reacting.  At the time this statement rang true...the officer confirmed I must be imagining this abuse. I must be crazy.  It is my fault!  I never told another soul about the next several years of manipulation and abuse in fear of the response.  He always told me if I did tell no one would believe me and that I would lose my kids and any financial assistance I was getting.   How was I going to raise my daughter alone with no money? I didn't want to continue to strip because I suffered awful flashbacks while working.  It felt hopeless and the more I saw "doctors" about my weight loss and anxiety the more I felt that I was crazy and it had nothing to do with him.  I didn't even realize after a while I was being abused because it had become so normal.  In fact I thought I was still in love with my abuser.  This was NOT love.  It was what I hear now as how war vetrans can react to their captures.  I was help captive in my own home. I was a prisoner for years to his assaults. 

During the abuse I was diagnosed with the following mental health disorders :  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Specific Phobias, Unspecified Eating Disorder (similar to anorexia), and eventually Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was later said that all of these symptoms I was having were likely due to Complex Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and that is was normal to have these reactions.  During all of the Assessments to determine my mental health status NOT ONCE was I ever asked if I was being abused or if I knew what abuse was.  I didn't know it wasn't normal given how I was treated my whole life.  I didn't know that being called nasty names and abusive behaviours didn't happen in every relationship. After all my parents did it and I knew no different.

THE ESCAPE: 

After several months of negotiating with my abuser (which never worked) I asked for help from my Pastor who I really began to trust. He spoke with my abuser and asked him to leave but found it was fruitless.  My Pastor changed my locks when he went to work one night.  The abuser came back home and was even angrier.  He raped me and I conceived my son. AT 76 pounds there was no way my body could handle the pregnancy without complete bed rest.  The hemmoraging started when he sexually assaulted me during my first trimester.  I was bleeding so badly during the pregnancy that I was told to stay on bedrest or abort the child.  I didn't tell them the reason I was constantly going in and out of hospital was a result of his assaults and not me getting out of bed. At 18 weeks pregnant and a very severe bleed the doctors kept me in the hospital.  I stayed there for five weeks until at 23 weeks gestation my son was delivered breech and one pound six ounces.  I lost one other baby because of his violent assaults.  He was a boy and I was heart broken.   I spent another week in the hospital after my son was born and was released back to my abuser.  Less than a week after being released from hospital I went on my computer to check my emails and there was a shocking and horrific picture....a young girl who looked just like my daughter being raped in the anus.  I panicked and searched out the  computer looking at every picture I could find.   There were more and more pictures of men and women raping children!  I was in shock and freaking out.  I called the police and told them what I found frantically screaming to get to my house before I killed him.  The police didn't think that seeing all those pictures may have put me in a state of shock and I spent the next 5 hours rocking, screaming, crying and shaking. I thought for sure this was it....either I was going to die or he was.  I called them at 5:30 am to tell them to come over to my house to investigate this because I was afraid of a domestic when he got home. 

The police arrived, arrested and charged my abuser right in the hallway of our apartment before he got inside.  I was taken to a women's shelter with my daughter (my son was still in hospital fighting for his life).  My daughter and I were there for several weeks where we caught lice , were threatened by workers with Child Protective Services and made to feel even more powerless.  With a restraining order in place as bail conditions I was given the option to go home and that is what I did.  I didn't want to stay in a place where the workers were inexperienced and insensitive to what had happened.  I left regardless of whether I felt safe.  While at the apartment my ex continued to stalk me and threatened to harm me if I testified against him.

This man moved into my sister's house (the one who threw me down the stairs) and her 12 year old son just three blocks away from my apartment. He convinced my sister that I was crazy and that all the accusations of sexual harm were lies.  She didn't care and took his side as long as he paid her mortgage and her bills.  My sister left her son (my nephew) alone with a sex offender and this frightened me so I called Child Services and she lost her son for two weeks until she agreed to have my ex move out of her home.  Because of this my sister and my ex were threatening to kill me so I escaped to another women's shelter with my daughter. Eventually I was given housing for abused women and did escape the abuse for about a year. I began abuse counselling for about two years and met a nice man in which I married.  This was my first marriage and my husband was very supportive or at least that is what I thought.  He knew everything and in fact when we were dating witnessed the stalking personally.

To sum this story up I will have to shorten it to the pertenant details of my abuse and the abuse of my children.  During my 5 year marriage. I was sexually assaulted two times.  I told my husband about the assaults and he became abusive from a depression feeling helpless to avenge his wife.  He spiralled downhill and so did I.  Both of us were desparate for help to save our marriage and tried sexual assault counselling but it was too late by that point. I was already deep into the self harm and couldn't handle any of the therapy and quit.  Less than a month later I attempted to hang myself with Nike Rollar Blade Laces.  This was the start to a whole new life for me...Please read the very first entry on my message board and you can read more about that. 

I can't believe you read my whole story...thank you for caring enough to read this much.  In conclusion to my comments at the beginning of this story that inspired me to write this I want to say that I never mean to offend anyone when making statments, comments or opinions on here and I want to say I am sorry if I did.  Blessings to you all in your journey!  Mandee

Being present in the moment means we are not camped in the past or living in the future.  We are living moment to moment.  After all we can't change what happened in the past and we have little control of what may happen in the future so I have learned that it is best to IMPROVE the MOMENT we live in today.  We have say in what happens right now in this moment.  Isn't that great?  I have a story that happened to me that makes me think of how being present in the moment can change the way you see your life.  I used to live five, ten and even twenty years in advance thinking what if I don't have enough money to retire, what if I can't graduate in time, what if I get lost?  I used to dwell on the past saying I can't believe he hurt me!  Why didn't my mom protect me when I was a child?  What did I do wrong that I had that happen to me?  Some of you can probably relate to this kind of thinking.  Those of us who experience this might not have realized this but I will share with you what I read one day that changed my life in just one moment of being present...it said the following:

"  Worrying about the future, or dwelling in the past ...RUINS a perfectly good present." 

I don't think I ever looked at it like that before.  It gave me a reason to learn how to stay in the present so I could truly enjoy my life and as a response to this kind of living my future (now my present) is so much better than I could have ever imagined.  How are you feeling?  Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever felt a moment in your life where you lived in the present and it was AWESOME? Will you share this story with us? 

Blessings to all you Survivors and Supporters!

Mandee

I'm reminded as I type that not all of us are happy with our mothers or even how we have parented ourselves but I need to acknowledge those Mother's who give the true meaning to the word.  God intended us to have both a Mother and a Father who loved us unconditionally and with all their hearts who treat us with the love we deserved.  This fallen world has been far from perfect and we were instead faced with alcoholics, drug addicts, abusers and theifs as parents.  Sadly this is the result of sin in our world and the Free choice God has given us.  Our parents were given the choice (just as we are) to abuse or mistreat their children.    This isn't to depress you all so I will get to the point!  The point is that we too have the freedom to chose which direction our lives will go.  We can change what we have fallen victim to!  We can be good mothers who love our children deeply and stop the generational curse passed down from our parents.  We don't have to be enslaved to the live a life with poor parenting and damaged children. We are a generation that can stop the silence and break the cycle of abuse!  Thank you to those mothers who acknowledge their mistakes and make the changes necessary to ensure it never happens again.  Happy Mother's Day to the Mother's who stay awake at night worrying about where their children are.  Blessings to those mothers who discipline their children not when they are angry.  Heart felt hugs to those mom's who teach their children the safest and best paths to take in life....Most important ...Thank you God for giving us the right to chose even if we can't chose our mothers.  Blessings Everyone on this Mother's Day!  Mandee

Hi Ladies & Gents .  I'm sorry I haven't been online lately.  My son has been sick since Thursday and was in the hospital today completely dehydrated and needing intervenous fluids ( gastrointestinal flu , not H1N1). He's home now and resting. Although it was an awful few days I have to feel a bit guilty for being relieved he doesn't have to go to his dad's (the abusers) house this Sunday.  One less day he's at risk of being harmed.  I hope you are all well?  I miss chatting and will keep you posted as to the Maltreatment assessment and the Child Protective Services etc.  Blessings to you all SURVIVORS. 

One thing came to mind today that I thought I would mention to you.  I love to chat with all of you but I will no longer tolerate suicide threats unless you are really reaching out for help.  I will not respond unless you are ready to accept the advice given and at least try to save yourself.  Let 's face it...I love talking with you all but it can be disheartening and even cause others flashbacks that are harmful if you cannot control your self harming chat. I have had discussions with people who are still trapped in the addictiveness of it all and are not willing to change.  Instead of looking for ways to change they are encouraging others to find the behaviour thrilling.  This is not what this site is for. We are not here to teach eachother how to hurt are we?  I hope if you are one of these people you will forgive me for being so straight forward but it has to be said for the safety of us all who are taking the difficult journey to healing.  Please understand I love chatting and helping in any way I can and I don't mind if you are truly seeking help in answering any and all questions no matter how shameful they may seem.  I pray you will all love yourself as you are cherished by the Creator Jesus who made you :)  Blessings Mandee

God said that what you say with your mouth can bring life or death onto things.  I hope we all consider what we say about others but most importantly lets consider the impact our words have on ourselves.  Isn't it interesting that we notice right away when someone else says something bad about us and tend to feel defensive but when we "take out the boxing gloves" and beat ourselves up we barely realize it's happening.  We don't notice it because we've probably done it for so long that it has become normal.  I hope you will notice it and stop cursing yourself today.  Try  thinking about the child inside you that needs to be nurtured if you can't find a way to feel loving toward yourself.  That child who was harmed didn't do anything wrong and she needs your help to love herself (himself) again. You would never hurt a child so why would you hurt God's Child....YOU.....I know you are deeply loved and I pray you will find a way to bless instead of curse others but especially yourself.   After all you are precious :)  Blessings Mandee

I know this may have nothing to do with sexual assault but I felt that I might want to share something about my life and learning instead.  There are no further updates yet about the Child Protective Services and my son Since the Sunday Entries in exception to the fact I have connected with an amazing advocate who will be working seriously with me and the Child services to ensure they help instead of harm.  Otherwise I wanted to talk about Earth Day this week. I'm a Mi'kmaq/Inuit/ Metis/ Cree and white woman who is Christian.  I have both my Faith and my culture to consider in life and I was fortunate enough to attend an Earth Day celebration with my Native community who believes we are responsible in taking care of our earth because it was given to us.  Then I attended church that same week and was blessed by the Sunday Service.  The Pastor was preaching this day on the creation of earth and what our role is as Christians pertaining to the earth.  At first I was torn between my cultural beleifs that we are care takers of the earth and my spiritual beliefs that the Lord gave us dominion over the earth.  Until I was struck by the truth and here is what I got from it.  I have discovered that the Lord God created the earth for us to enjoy.  We don't own it and we never created it. It was a gift.  If we as his children destroy God's creation than we destroy the gift He has given us.  We suffer and our Lord isn't honoured by our destructiveness whether intentional or not.  So this past week as an act of thankfulness and an act of worship I worked hard to separate and recycle my garbage!  I hope you all got the same excitement out of this idea as I have.  I never thought of the earth in such a way...why ?  It was so simple and yet I was blind to it!  I think because I live in the city and rarely see the beauty God has created I have forgotten that it exists and I am responsible to care for it. That is the dominion the Lord speaks of.. I am to take care of what Jesus has created for me to enjoy and get life giving substance from.  I may even begin gardening!  I hope you are blessed by this thought too!  Mandee

I want to say thank you for your prayers.  K went to visit his dad today and it seemed to have gone ok.  He came home and when I asked my son to undress for bed he told me the following, "  I didn't get undressed today because we didn't go to daddy's house."  WHEW!  Ok how am I supposed to feel about this?  This is the same kid that told CAS that it never happened and the CAS worker told me to realize the sexual abuse "never happened".  Strange that if it never happened why my son would refer to this when I'm asking him to take his clothes off for bed.  My son sees his dad (the abuser) six hours a week and there is no reason for his clothes to be removed in that short period of time.  Anyway enough venting...K was safe for this Sunday because he was at his uncles and with his dad's girlfriend (the enabler) playing Wii.  My hope is that each Sunday you will all keep praying that my son stays safe so we can combat this in the only way we can.  I pray you will all be healed and blessed in your journey and that God keeps you in the palm of his hands and close to his heart.  Thanks again :)  Blessings Mandee

To answer your question R, Sunday is the day my son is expected to be unsupervised with his Abuser and the enabler (girlfriend who is in denial).  I'm expected to hand over my son from 1 to 7 pm on Sundays without the protection of any police to a man who abused me, my daughter and now my son.  We could really use collective prayer from everyone that he remains safe and that the Assessment to determine if maltreatment happened is proven that the abuse we claim is legitimate.  My worry is how such power is given to people such as social workers, child psychologists etc to determine whether we have been abused when they don't even know us and were never there.  It is sad that my kids and I are re victimized by having to re-live everything and being doubted and questioned!  Please pray that common sense prevails and the recommendation is to protect my kids and I from his continued abuse.  Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.  I will let you know which ones we chose to try if this assessment doesn't pan out.  Blessings Mandee

I wanted to update you on the ever growing insanity that I've experienced with an agency that is worth restructuring from the top to bottom. I'm thinking of making a new Family Law in honour of my son that states that if an agency fails to protect the child from harm when there is a relatively good chance he/she is being harmed that they are liable to pay damages to the child if proof of harm does reveal itself later.  My son is 7 years old, developmentally delayed , made an accusation of sexual harm against his father for a second time and because he probably didn't feel believed when he was asked if he told the truth he got scared/ shy and recanted his whole story.  The child protection worker doesn't seem to have a problem with the fact the father is accused of raping a fourteen year old girl, accused of raping a grown woman and now accused of molesting his own son.  And she doesn't seem to think his conviction of possession of child porn might have some bearing on the validity of my son's claims.  She also said that if I don't bring my son to his dad (my rapist) myself  ( no one else will co-operate in dropping him off to his dad in fear they are contributing to the abuse) than I will be somehow doing my son harm if the police have to come.  This may be the safest bet!    There is a court order from the family courts by an insensitive male judge that states the restraining order put in place to protect me and my daughter from further harm is lifted while exchange takes place.  DO YOU BELIEVE THE INSANITY?! Is there no one in this system that knows anything about protecting women and children from abuse!  The Women's agencies involved are astounded by the lack of co-operation and understanding in this case.  For my birthday I would ask that you all pray for the outcome of this to be in protecting my son and keeping my kids and I together and safe.  Thanks for reading and any comments , suggestions would be helpful! Blessings Mandee

Well I've officially learned (for the second time this year) that Child Protective Services should be renamed, Child abandonment services!  My son disclosed sexual abuse but because the worker asked him whether or not he knew the difference between the truth and a lie , he must have felt disbelieved (like all of us have) and recanted everything.  He also said that he missed his daddy this weekend when he didn't go to see him.  Sure he does, daddy buys him lots of neat stuff right after he molests him!  ARGH!  I went to my lawyer today who said we had no hope in getting supervised access and if I don't comply with the order I will end up with a contempt charge against me (up to two years in jail or fines)... So essentially I have no choice but to sit by and watch while my son gets molested.  I cannot do this anymore.  I would rather go to jail!  Easier said than done because if I don't send him and I get fined or go to jail my long term credibility goes out the window until there is some medical evidence (like a rape) and my son will be with this abuse longer.  I am waiting for a maltreatment and parenting capacity assessment to be completed and they are my last hope before I have to explore my other options (the illegal ones).  A law abiding Social Service worker can't even protect her own son.  We are not immune to the abuse of the system either guys/gals!  Good news is that I won't stop fighting and eventually an A$$ like him will screw up and I will be there to catch the BA$tard!  OK I feel better now :)  joking.....Truthfully I did pray (doesn't sound like a praying person when I'm cussing does it )  I prayed and the Lord told me to accept the answer and know that He is God and will be handling this.  I hope so...this is where my faith wavers...I pray that God you give me understanding and strength to see past the circumstances and please place a trust in my heart that surpasses all understanding for this to be resolved in a peaceful way that will protect "K" from sexual harm.  Blessings to all those following my story today.  I will keep posting my daily / weekly updates!  Blessings and thank you all for your prayers in this difficult time.  I am healing and definately doing better but I can't possibly feel the joy of my healing when my child is being harmed, especially from the same man.  Yes he is a Convicted Sex Offender arrested in 2001 and charged for Possession of Child Porn and they say I have no credibility?!!  God  Help My Son!  I hope to hear opinions or advice if you have any?

Today I go out to the Child Protective Service and I am hoping that it will be different this time. I'm hoping that the worker will interview my son and the truth will be told.  We are NOT ashamed anymore!  My son will not suffer the fate of shame I did for several years if I can help it.  I will tell him all the things he needs to know so he is empowered to protect himself.  I want everyone to know that my doctor is on my heart today.  I know this seems weird to mention in the middle of this message but he has been instrumental in supporting my kids and I through this nightmare.  He has affirmed my feelings and concerns like no other professional has.  He has made this process of re-victimization one that was more tolerable.  HE BELIEVES ME!  WHEW! My words couldn't show the gratitude I feel for his support.  I hope you will find that advocate you need to help you because it's priceless!  I am praying for all the survivors on this site... YOU ARE LOVED and if no one believes you, God and I do! Blessings, Mandee

I'm waiting today on the Lord.  I am waiting on the Children's Aid Society.  I'm waiting on my lawyer.  I'm waiting on the Police department and I'm waiting to BLOW UP !  Ok so I'm not going to blow up but my heart is so discouraged today.  I pray that I can hold on and show patience during this really tough time for us.  I have support and I feel blessed to have Points With Purpose to log my thoughts , my pain and my hopes.  I know that you all have experienced similar victimization and have a good idea how difficult this all must be.  Thank you for all your supportive comments and your prayers.  Today is a day that will too pass and the light will come back out to cover the darkness.  I will keep you all updated as to whether or not our Canadian Children's Aid, the Police, the courts decide this time they will protect my son from further abuse.  Thanks Again for all your support ! I will continue to pray for all of you too.  Blessings, Mandee

My son disclosed yesterday again that our abuser ( my ex who raped me and sexually harmed my children) did it again.  Now the CAS and the Police will do yet another investigation.  I hope and pray this time they will do something / anything to protect him.  How do I keep the pain from leaking out when I feel discouraged?  I do I hold in my anger ?  How do I forgive the man who has constantly tormented myself and my children?  I somehow have found a way to accept what I cannot change and try to make the best of my situation.  I know it sounds cold to those who have never been through this but what else can I do?  Make it worse by screaming and yelling at the failing system who is trying to help my son.  I cannot change everyone else but I can do something for me and my kids.  I can stay healthy and take care of them even after the abuse happens again.  I can tell them that what is happening is not right and not fair.  I can hold them when they feel ashamed and tell them that it wasn't their fault but if I make it worse by arguing with the authorities than I could end up losing the very people I'm trying to protect.  This is an awful thing to have to say but I would rather be here to hold my kids when they are hurt than to not be there at all during this trauma.  Some say I sound as if I've given up....well it could be seen as giving up.  I am giving up trying things that don't work.  I've given up all my trust to someone much bigger than me to sort this out.  I have surrendered ...I've surrendered to trusting that God will take his Vengence and protect my kids from harm.  Thanks for reading and if you have any comments I would appreciate them. 

I just realized again today but in such a deep way that healing and recovery from sexual abuse has to start from the inside out.  Our spirits were some how victimized through what seems to others as a physical assault.....it wasn't ...it was an assault on our very wholeness as a person.  Our bodies were invaded and than our minds became victim when we tried to forget, cover up or push away the memories of the event.  Than our Spirit was presented with the pain our body, mind and emotions presented after the abuse and it's no wonder our Spirits lost hope.  I can't speak for you but this is how I feel the damage of abuse affected me.  When I started healing from the Spirit (the Inside) and moved my way outward it was like I was putting in REVERSE what had happened and began taking back what was so brutally stolen over and over again....MY peace, MY mind, MY spirit, MY laughter, MY life with my family, MY career path, MY faith etc....NOTE THAT I SAY MY .......It is MINE and always has been and I just had to find it again.  I sound so mystical in this at times but I have to say it was so simple. The answer was right in front of me for over a decade and I didn't see it.  Somehow that person robbed me of myself.  Not today. Not anymore and Not again.  I am whole in my recovery and I pray you will be whole in yours too.  Start with the Spirit and it will naturally progress outward into your mind, body and emotions.  I pray that you will heal the whole person you are and always have been.  Blessings!  Mandee

With a thankful heart I write this entry tonight.  I just met someone who has a similar story as mine with the same experience when reporting and I feel like somehow and in some way my heart breaks with relief!  Why relief?  As much as I wish no one ever gets raped and suffered the pain a survivor feels (breaking my heart)  it's also a relief to know that I'm not alone in the world.  That someone can truly understand what happened to me.  Even though people can empathize it's never the same as someone who says....that happened to me too and I know what you are going through.  I will gladly accept the prayers of my friends/survivors today for my children and I as we finish the last part of our brutal examination from the Child Protective Services who failed to protect them from our abuser.  Like they say in school about bullying...if you are watching you are part of the problem.  The agency put in place to protect us have in fact been re-victimizing us while investigating and now want me to trust them.....ARGH!   Regardless I still write this with a thankful heart for this site and all of you...  I want to thank all those who have messaged to encourage me in this battle against SILENCE....against HIDING THE TRUTH!  The Lord said ....what you bring out of the darkness and into the light will be healed.  My kids and I are going to be healed and I pray that anyone who reads this receives their healing too! Blessings

Mandee

A smile is what's expected when we are faced with the truth about sexual abuse.  We are to smile and shut up or at least that is what I've been encouraged to do.  Good thing God gave me the gift of Gab and I've never been able to shut up long enough :) LOL  Yes I have reported the abuse of myself and my children and have been led through a nightmare of court battles, Child Protective Intervention,  Parental Capacity Assessments, 3 Lawyers and 3 Police investigations! (No Charges Laid of course)  I don't want to scare anyone from reporting sexual assault by a partner but I must say that if you do be sure to have alot of support and avoid doing it while asking the family courts to protect your children ( a normal reaction).  If you do than you may be thought of as "vindictive" or "  a liar in an attempt to alienate your children from their parent (the abuser)" .  I suggest getting support from a place who have trained volunteers to attend your appointments with the police etc.  This way maybe the SMILE will be on the officer's face as they do their job and take the report ....Yes I guess I sound angry today.  Just tired I guess.  Tired of the intimidation tactics used by those who want to keep me and the rest of the world of survivors silent.  After all we wouldn't want too many people to think this is becoming an epidemic in our society and even in our homes!  I pray that the anger I feel is used for good not evil and that those who read this are encouraged to report even though they are made to feel more like a perpertrator than a survivor.  I pray that Parent Alienation Syndrome ( a new defense used in family court for father's who molest their children)  is proven to be a sick attempt to give child victims back to their abusers and will be black balled by judges across all nations!  When we grew up and the teachers invited police officers into our schools to teach us about good and bad touches I can remember them saying to keep telling until someone believes you.....I encourage you today....Keep telling until someone believes you ( I know I will)....Blessings everyone :) Mandee

This weekend has a real significance for me.  I am a Christ follower and I'm sure others are too so I thought I might share this message of hope.  I accepted Christ when I was 17 but was baptized when I was 25.  Today ,  not so many years later (lol),  I think back to the time when I asked God to forgive me all my wrong doings, confessed that I believed Jesus died on the cross for me with my mouth , and asked the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God) to come and live inside my heart.  This is the night I realized I was born not in the flesh like a baby but in the Spirit. I no longer had my spirit alone, I had God's Spirit living inside me too.   That is what we mean when we say Born Again.  I was born again on September 13th and I can honestly say several years later that without that fresh commitment to God I would never have made it through life the way I have!  I sit here and pray for those who are searching and encourage you today to give yourself a gift....a gift that will change your life forever .....(Is your life all that good now?)  If so than I guess you don't need a Saviour ....but if you think that you could use a friend each and every moment of your life that you can call up for help, or share a laugh with, or be comforted by than I say give Jesus a try. It was one commitment that has never been broken and He has never let me down.  God has a female side too otherwise He wouldn't have said that "He holds us to his bossom (breast)" .  For those who suffered at the hands of a man it would be hard for them to understand that a Male God won't hurt them so I encourage you to see that Jesus has a feminine side and is nuturing too as a mother does her children.  We have lost our faith in parents because our earthly parents have failed us...this is one Heavenly Father who will guard and protect you. He didn't abandon you when you were hurt.  He cried too!  He was disgusted with the actions taken against you and He will avenge this for you.....I want to encourage you today to find Jesus and ask him to come into your life by his Holy Spirit and watch how He guides your life into fullness and blessings!  If you have any questions or comments I would be happy to help or listen which ever you would like.   Jesus died on the cross and HE HAS RISEN again !  I pray all those who read this are blessed immeasurably  today and always. In Jesus' Precious Name I pray ...Amen 

Hello my Survivor Friends.  I have recently run into a couple of suspicious people on this site claiming to be someone they are NOTand I wanted to caution all of you that although this site feels safe it is still an internet site.  All the precautions you would take like not giving out your number, where you live or your name would be warranted here.  I was very concerned because alot of perpetrators will prey on vulnerable people who are too trusting on this site and I'm afraid if I was more naive I may have fallen for this persons kind request.    I pray safety for all of you...BLESSINGS!  Mandee

The definition FAITH is "hope in things unseen" according to scriptures.  I know many of you don't read the bible or believe in a God of any kind but I encourage you to keep an open mind.  The reason I chose this topic today is because although this site seems depressing at times it offers hope to so many who struggle in silence.  Like most of us who have been abused the effects are so damaging and are most often unseen.  We live our days being beautiful and even functioning well on the outside but the pain, the terror and the nightmare /  flashbacks are all real.  We don't see them but we know they are there because we feel them.  For today I hope you will have faith in things you cannot see and begin sense your healing ahead.  Healing is only possible if you have FAITH it will happen.  You have that mustard seed of faith that is needed because you are here searching for something!  I pray you will continue to grow in your FAITH and claim your healing  :)  Blessings Mandee

Wishful thinking never got me anywhere. I kept thinking that I wish this hadn't happened to me.  I wish I had more money.  I wish I could lose some weight.  I wish I had a straighter smile and a shorter nose.  Wishful thinking is a form of denial and denial is part of the grieving process.  When something bad happens to us we all naturally go through a grieving process.   Knowing and accepting reality however is the first step to healing.  Some people have avoided acknowledging what has happened to them as a defense mechanism and that is alright for a time but for healing to happen eventually the denial has to fade into becoming aware of the truth.

 I said fade because a sudden awareness is possible but not always good for everyone. Awareness can sometimes come and go so I practice it.  Today I try to avoid wishful thinking and replace it with becoming more aware of reality. I use the skill of "mindfullness" to help me to become more in touch with reality and with myself.  As a Christian I worried that I was delving into new age stuff but I quickly learned that mindfullness is NOT a religion (although some religions use it) , it's NOT meditation or a relaxation technique.  In fact it has improved my communication with God and within myself.  My negative thinking has slowly transformed into positive and peaceful thoughts.  Maybe this is what is meant when the bible said, "we should take our thoughts captive."   Mindfullness has many definitions but to me the simplist way to describe it would be to "become more aware and in touch with reality as it is and not how I judge or hope it to be."  I pray you will find your own way to prevent wishful thinking and promote a healing attitude of accepting reality.  Now I love my long nose and my crooked smile...it is sets me apart from other women.  Today find something that sets you apart that you don't like....practice accepting reality ...and than eventually you may notice that you are accepting of yourself!  Blessings Mandee

Asking for help is one of the toughest things for some people to do.  I grew up in a home where it was wrong to cry and in fact I was laughed at for showing any tears.  I learned at a very young age that being vulnerable was not safe and should be avoided at all costs.  So deep down I had a core belief that I couldn't ask for help either.  Years later I got depressed, anxious and full of bitterness.  I didn't realize that by holding in my emotions to protect myself I actually left myself the most vulnerable.  I held in the pain until it made me the sickest.  My body couldn't take the denial my mind so desperately tried to keep.  My body told me something was wrong with how I was living and eventually I was forced into the hospital for the help I needed. 

Surprisingly the physical symptoms I had were directly related to the inability to express my pain openly and essentially purge my body of the hurt that kept me captive.  I'm alive today because my cry for help was heard.  I enourage all of you to consider asking for help before your body does it for you!  I asked Jesus for help today and you can ask your higher power to help too if you like.  If not try asking a friend, a doctor, a counselor, or even a stranger.  Practice asking for little bits of help (Rome wasn't built in a day LOL)  Try asking for a garbage bag from a neighbour even if you have a ton under your sink.  Try asking the grocery clerk to help bag your groceries etc.  Asking for help is not always easy but you deserve it and will see that when you ask.  BLESSINGS ! 

"Appreciation"...means the "recognition of the quality, value and significance or magnitude of people or things."   To me it means I am taking a toll of all that is worthwhile in my life and giving it my fullest attention.  Today I give you all my fullest attention.  I appreciate you even if you don't love yourself right now.   I feel like you are suffering and don't always know the magnitude of your true value.  You are valuable and I care about you.  I know we are strangers now but we are not unlike one another.  I love all that you are.  YOU ARE A SURVIVOR and I love you!  Blessings to you all! Mandee

Hi Rick!  Yes I did get your message about your client and appreciate your asking. For anyone who would like any information about HIV/AIDS I would be happy to help in any way I can. To clarify I worked as a Support Services Worker at a local AIDS Network and would be honoured in sharing what I know with any of you who are asking.  I feel like we have been brought together to help one another :)  Blessings! Mandee

I'm sorry for taking so long to write another one but here goes...Today is a day to remember.  It is different.  It is the first time I walked out of my house on this day and in this way.  This is the first time I smelled this exact air.  The first time I tied my shoes in this exact way.  Today is a day to remember that we can have "BEGINNERS MIND".  Although we have been abused we don't have to let it take away our joy. Beginners mind is a way of thinking and you can use it to help you cope with flashbacks when you are in an environment that reminds you of your abuse.  I remember sitting in a Christmas Carol concert for my daughter this past Christmas.  I struggled to go because when I was abused Christmas Carols were playing.  I hated them.  Jingle Bells, Away in a Manger, Ode to Joy and all those awful songs.  I never realized I could like them again until this day I heard about beginners mind.  I was told to try to think of Jingle Bells being different than when I was abused.  Think about it being the first time I heard my daughter sing this song, the first time I heard it that day and in that exact way.  I was able to think that way and relax enough to enjoy the concert .  I stayed in that moment at that exact time and listened intently as if it were the FIRST time I've ever heard the song.  Do you believe that I enjoyed the concert!! A Christmas Song doesn't hold me captive to my flashbacks anymore.  I don't mean to say you won't have them , but I will say that the more you use beginners mind when faced with a reminder of the abuse , the more you take back what you lost.  My joy has been the absense of suffering while staying in the moment I'm in. (not tomorrow and not yesterday)  Thank you for reading and I am glad you are here today ! Today is a day to REMEMBER!  Stay in the moment my friends :)

I went to my group today for BPD and we talked about Radical Acceptance.  This means "the complete and total letting go of suffering"....yes that is what I said.  Letting go of suffering.  I bet you are saying that is easier said than done.  I thought that at first.  Here is a thought....PAIN PLUS NON ACCEPTANCE EQUALS SUFFERING.  We suffer because we haven't accepted.  Accepting does NOT mean approval.  It just means we have brought ourselves to a point where we aren't in denial fighting each living memory we cannot change.  I ask that you practice this "letting go of suffering" called radical acceptance.  Marsha Linehan is an expert on her Dialectical Behavioural Website that can explain HOW to get to the point of Radical Acceptance.  This does NOT mean you won't have Pain...but why not just the pain rather than the suffering that goes along with non acceptance.  I hope you are encouraged today to learn how to "make your life worth living": as I have done.  STAY ALIVE EACH MOMENT AND EACH DAY AT A TIME UNTIL YOU GET YOUR HEALING...you will get your healing. I pray now for all those reading this that you are fully blessed and brought through your journey of healing with the Grace and Mercy God gives to all those who ask. Blessings to you. Mandee 

Another word of encouragement.  I will try to post one everyday so you can see the real healing that is there for you :)  Even the harder days are good is my topic for the day because I believe that as long as you are here another day, IT'S A GOOD DAY!  Life can throw us some serious curve balls and the pain can be so bad that it hurts to breath....I know this because I've lived it.  Some of us try to cope with self harming things like cutting, alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling.  It may help bury the pain but it doesn't release you from it.  It makes it worse, in fact it makes your life less like one you want to keep around.  Today do something good for yourself to ease the pain.  There are coping skills that are useful. Be in the moment today...live for now....find a song that makes you happy and listen to it, treat yourself to a bubble bath, get a good hug from a friend who truely loves you, pray or recite a poem that inspires you.  Today is a GOOD DAY because YOU are still here my friend.  You did it!  You are here!  

Today can be the day!  Today is the day!  The day you can claim as the day you began your healing.  I hear the voice inside , the one telling you it's never going to happen or "what does she know!"  I know that voice...I know the one that keeps you sick.  The one that makes your life chaos and the one that steals your peace.  It's really possible to be healed and if you had of told me this two years ago when I attempted to hang myself I would have thrown a shoe at you!  Hold your shoe for a bit longer.  There is hope!  Please read my last message and see if my story helps you but if not keep reading.  Someone will share something that will hit home....I hope it is TODAY!  Today is the day you begin to heal!  I hope you will comment...I hope you will share your story with me? Blessings to you !

I titled this entry, my first of what I believe will be many, the peace inside because I believe that is what all of us here may be looking for.  II'm not a dramatic person or a depressed one either :)  Is your life feeling disorganized to even chaotic?  I know I felt that way for almost 12 years before I found what worked for me.  The healing has been incredible and so I thought it would be selfish of me NOT to share my experience in this journey with anyone who would like it.  This doesn't mean you will have to agree with my journey to healing or even copy it but my story is meant to help and not harm anyone who wants to know.  OK here goes, I was sexually propositioned from my grandfather as young as four, and at age eight I was sexually assaulted by a 17 year old neighbour who fooled me with a popsicle(hate them to this day) and than by the age of 19 I met my  worst predator, my partner.  He was the sweetest man for about two years and I guess pornography was an addiction that secretly gripped his soul.. I suppose I should have headed out the door after the tenth arguement about porn but I didn't because I "loved him".  After the porn wasn't enough he started raping me in some of the most savage ways.  I didn't report the abuse because I thought it was my fault, if I could love him more he wouldn't hurt me...If I could be prettier he would stop lying, If I could ....and so on and so on....the abuse lasted up until 2007 exactly 10 years....It was no wonder I was diagnosed with OCD, BPD, Depression, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Anorexia!  It was none of those!  It was the normal reaction to  ABUSE!   Now I'm not encouraging you to stop your meds but I am telling you that all those labels aren't YOU...you don't have to own them!  They are a reaction...not an identity we have to claim for ourselves.  The Identity I had to accept was much better...I finally found two things which healed me to the deepest part of my soul.  First I accepted Christ Jesus and than he did the rest.  He led me to a dark place inside I avoided most of my life and He PULLED ME THROUGH IT...why?  Why would a loving God pull me through all those experiences?  He knew it would lead me to healing a healing I never thought possible.  I haven't felt this good since I was a child!  The second thing was a healing through a new therapy just beginning over the past 20 years called DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY (DBT).  It's only available to people with borderline personality disorder in Canada but it is available online through a website by Marsha Linehan.  I sleep at night, I can be alone, I can shower alone, I can drive alone, I can be without a man and feel safe, I can stop washing, I can eat better, I can be who I was meant to be....ME!  I hope this has helped and I hope you will comment on this entry and give questions or suggestions :) Until we chat again!