WARNING CUSS WORDS
I want to tell you what has been going on personally...I am hurting today because I've been triggered and in the past few days have almost become obsessed with making sure that no abuser gets away with what they have done to a child. Recently I went to our local pow wow and it's a small and caring community of Native people. I ran into a woman that my children and I have seen and talked to before. We hung out with her most of the day. She sat with my children and talked to them ...heck she even held our youngest baby. I trusted that I was safe in my own community... we took pictures of our daughter's first pow wow dance ..my grandmother who is eighty, my mother, my sister, my husband and his mother were all there. We stood together with this woman and took pictures of the entire group. We were just thrilled and it was such a special day that we looked forward to for two years...our baby girl's first pow wow dance. Low and behold just the other day a lady I know who works at our local community centre messaged me a warning and told me her name. I googled this woman and THERE SHE WAS!! The woman who was talking to and holding our babies was a pedophile!! YES A FUCKING PEDOPHILE!! Why do I have to attract these fucking people!! Now whenever I look at those pictures it will forever be tainted with this bitches face!! I fucking hate her for taking that moment from us! She knew her conditions were not to talk to a minor what so ever. I have reported it but the police in our community normally do nothing. It turns out that this woman was obsessed with a child rapist/killer that our community will never forget because his murders were so horrific. It also turns out she is dating a man in the Federal Pennitentiary and he gets out in less than two weeks. She will be going to see him....hmmm wonder what they will be doing together...?? ARGH! My stomache is ready to vomit...she had three boys which she lost to Child Protective Services thank GOD for small miracles. I can't seem to get my mind off this lady...It is like a fricken obsession and I think it is because I was left so vulnerable to her and didn't even know my children were being held by a child rapist! FUCK!! I hate just the thought of this....ok so this has triggered the fuck out of me and this is where the prison of your mind and emotions comes into play...
A member asked today about why she kept allowing her abuser to continue the abuse even when she knew it was wrong. I will say that I think our minds and emotions can stay a child or revert back to being the age we were abused at. So I was abused in my childhood but also in my twenties. I feel that I'm somewhere in the middle, maybe a youth in my reactions to triggers. I think maybe a pre-teen 12 years old or so. My triggers can be something as big as what happened above or something as small as a look, sound, voice or smell. I "allowed" my abuser to continue the abuse for almost 10 years. Does this say I wanted it? Of course not!! I was paralyzed by the prison of my mind and emotions. It was almost impossible for me to make sense of what was happening to me until I was safely away from my abuser and received the proper counselling. This took several years to accept...THE ABUSE WAS NOT MY FAULT!! I didn't deserve to be raped...I was sexually assaulted for years and after a while you just stop fighting...than after that you may start to feel sorry for your abuser...this is okay and normal because it is our way of coping with the horror of repeated sexual assaults. You coped with what you knew how...Every once in a while I feel stuck in that prison....like that last few days when my mind won't let me forget this woman. It is like my mind is a prisoner to the re-victimization I went through until I can somehow feel I've done everything to ensure all of my community is safe. It is not my responsibility to protect everyones child but at least I should have fucking protected MINE! I am so mad at myself for trusting anyone.....this is how I am feeling today...I know I will work this through ...I just hate that I have to cope with the prison I thought I left again!
Love to you all and Blessings!
Mandee
