I haven't posted on here in a long time. A few years ago (has it been that long??) I posted an Entry called My Story, talking about my dad. I later posted an Update, filled with more memories I'd remembered or left out of the first one. Over time, more memories came back, but by then I felt I'd said enough, and talking about those things would just be dwelling on it. Maybe I'll write about them someday, but for now I just feel like doing that would be like "Okay, we get it!"; But there is one thing I've been talking with my friends about for the past year that I felt should go here.

On 26 August 2011, I created a Facebook page called Pottermore Hufflepuff's Chat. It's a Harry Potter-related page. It soon became very popular, and people started wanting to add me on my private account. I have privacy issues and this made me uncomfortable, so I made a second Facebook account, which I named Trevor Boot, for the sole purpose of adding the fans from PHC. But it's grown so much. I don't just mean the page. I have stopped going on my real Facebook account, and in fact my phone is connected to my Trevor account, and I get the messages and notifications from that account on my phone. In fact, when I am with my family and they use my real name, it takes me awhile to respond because I forget that's my name.

Yes, I forget my own name.

Someone asked me why I prefer Trevor Boot over my real name. I said I didn't know why. But then it hit. I've always hated my real name. To the point where I never even liked saying it out loud. 

The reason is because I was named after my dad's cousin, Brian. When I was little, he was as much a drunk and pothead as my dad. When I met him again in 2008, he had married someone who had watched me when I was little. When I went over there, she had bruises on her. It was the first time I had seen her since I was maybe 5, and here she was with a black eye and a limp. One day while i was over, I witnessed him slapping her because the dog was in the house.

And I was named after him.

But it's more than that. I've got my dad's last name, McDowell. I think it's cool, because I am half-Scottish (half German), and people look at my last name and say, "Hey, you're Scottish!", which I love. But at the same time....it's his name.

So I prefer being called Trevor Boot, and actually accept it as my name more than my birth name, and it's because of everything I already posted on this site. I've even considered having my name legally changed to that, but then the whole reason I created that account would be void. Heck even my real Facebook account doesn't have my real name (I used the Romaji characters of the Japanese version of my name).

From a personal standpoint, my real name may as well be Adolf Stalin.

In 2010, I created a website to share my story on, sort of an extension of my account here. I called it Damaged Rose. At the time, I was using a website called Weeby, which is a free webhosting site. The site, while being able to make free sites, is very limiting. I love being creative, and the only thing Weebly let's you do with templates is edit text. If you click the link above, you'll see the template I used. That's what the template looked like. I couldn't edit anything but the text. That annoys me so much...

Enter Wix, It's another free webhosting site, but it allows for total customization of everything. They even have blank templates that let you start from scratch. That is what I love. I've had an account for over a year, because I have my photography website on there. I wasn't going to make a Wix page for Damaged Rose because I figured it's just text, so didn't need a fancy website. But I always felt uneasy giving people the URL, Not because I didn't want them to read my story, but because I didn;t want them seeing the simplistic website I call my own.

Last night I decided to change that. I started a new website on my Wix account. But I didn't want to call it Damaged Rose anymore. Since I can't change it, I spent hours trying to think of a good name for it. Eventually, I chose "Verletzt", which is German for "hurt". I got to work customizing the site, making it look the way I wanted it to look, then I copied and pasted the Entries I needed into their own page each. In the end, I read through them and did some editing. I didn't change anything in regards to my stories themselves, just mostly some spell-chacking, grammar fixes, and removing parts I think shouldn't be there. I had written them tobe posted on here, so they were worded for PWP. I took out the parts that wouldn't make sense to someone coming across Verletzt. I plan to continue to update my website as time goes on, maybe posting some more on it. But for now, I'm quite satisfied with it, and don't feel I'll be afraid to share the URL with anyone for a long time.

To view my new website, click here.

As anyone who has  my Entry about what happened in 2007 would know, Billy is the guy who "r"d me. I've had a few encounters with him over the years, and every time I even saw him from a distance, I would become terrified. Many times, I would text my friends afterward and have to be talked back into sanity.

On Friday, I got on the bus, and who was sitting in the front? Billy. He said hi.

I said, "Oh, hi Billy!", and sat across from him. He asked how I am doing and I said, "I've been good. I'm a Photographer now," and then I told him about my website. He thought it was great. After that, we just chatted about different things until he reached his stop,

I sat there the rest of the busride thinking about what had just happened. The whole chat, my mind had been asking why I was talking with him, but I felt calm. It felt like talking with anybody else

Is it possible I am "over it"? I discussed it with one of my bestfriends, who is a member here, and she said it sounds like I have forgiven him and moved on, in a sense. It's always possible something could trigger me later on. For example, I always thought I was over what happened when I was little, until one night at my then-girlfriend's house there was a fight between her mother and grandmother and all the memories came flooding back. But what I do know is that it seems to have passed for now.

I think it may have something to do with my current girlfriend. I used to be completely depressed all the time, and anyone who knows me will tell you they have noticed that I've been much happier since she and I became a couple. I still get depressed about things, but they don't seem so bad when I talk about them with her and she magics them away the way she does. I don't know if she's the reason for the fear being gone, but there's no denying that everything seems better because of her.

I am a huge fan of the comedy website Cracked.com. It is a hilarious website, and also very informative. Most of their articles are a bunch of useless "fun fact" type of articles, such as "5 Reasons There Must Be Corpses Buried Under the Batcave" and "6 Crucial Movie Scenes That Never Made It Out of the Script". I am always spending hours at a time, if not entire days, just reading Cracked articles. They are fun, and I've learned a ton of things from them, even if most of it is useless knowledge.

But I just came across an article on the site that took me by surprise. There is a writer for Cracked I have always loved named John Cheese. He has made it clear in some of his past articles that he came from a hard background. Some of his articles, like "5 Questions You Need to Ask (To Avoid Ruining Your Life)" and "5 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Poor", are more on the serious side. The article I came across is one of his titled "5 Ways to Avoid Your Terrible Parents' Mistakes". Not only do I highly recommend it to any Survivor from this site who is considering becoming (or is) a parent, but also I think it could easily serve as a Cracked version of a PWP Entry. He tells a great deal of his story in this article, and you can tell in places that he is really venting. I could really relate to alot of his story, so of course it was an emotional read for me. But I think it will be for all of us here. I hope it helps someone here. (Warning: Every article I linked to here, and most of the articles on Cracked, uses strong language)

 Something appeared on our local news last night that just makes me so upset. Only a couple of my friends seem to care, but everyone else I talk to about it just laugh it off. There was a report about a series of rapes that have been taking place in the Mall of Abilene parking lot. Right in public. Perhaps the most public place in town. Yet the management have done nothing until recently (it's been going on since mid-August, according to the report) because they "didn't want to alarm anyone". So they never reported it, and they aksed the victims to stay quiet about it (from what I heard) so it didn't disrupt their business. Finally one of the victoms spoke out and went to the local news station, who sent a camera crew to the Mall. From what I am told, the management denied it at first, but t hen the police were called and demanded to see the security tapes. They didn't play them on tv (for obvious reasons), but they said you couldn't see enough detail to tell who did it. They still haven't caught him, and he is still out there...

...Oh, and this wasn't Top Story. This was one of the last minute news peices.

I know that visual representations are very helpful when telling a story. So when I was doing personal research on paranormal phenomenom at a local lake, I began having minor flashbacks. Because the lake in question, Lake Fort Phantom, along with being the site of countless paranormal experiences and unexplained phenomenon and being featured in Texas ghost story books...is also the site of my childhood abuse. The parts of my story where my dad and his friends played "human vollyball" with me, where I stepped on a glass bottle and cut my toe, where my dad hit me with a beer bottle....all took place at Lake Fort Phandom. I looked up the lake on Google Maps while doing my research, hoping to locate all the areas mentioned in all the paranormal stories. But when I started looking at the lake, the flashbacks started coming back. So I thought I would take a screenshot and point out where all the different abuse stories happened at, to better understand my story.

1) The road (and direction) we would take to get to the lake.

2) The main entrance to the lake.

3) Where my dad and his friends would play human vollyball.

4) Where I cut my toe.

5) Where my dad hit me with the beer bottle.

6) (I'll get into that in a future Entry)

[Text from Zap2It.com, video from CNN.com]

Acting legend Mickey Rooney, 90, spoke Wednesday (March 3) about his experience with elder abuse, asking the Senate committee to stop the chronic emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse so many elderly people suffer at the hands of their family and caregivers.

Rooney has filed a restraining order against his stepson and stepdaughter, claiming emotional and financial abuse. Rooney wants Congress to pass a law to make elder abuse a specific crime.

According to CNN, after the hearing, committee Chairman Sen. Herb Kohl of Wisconsin introduced legislation that would create an Office of Elder Justice within the Department of Justice, which would help coordinate response by law enforcement to elder abuse reports. 

"For years I suffered silently. I didn't want to tell anybody. I couldn't muster the courage and you have to have courage," says Rooney. "I needed help and I knew I needed it. Even when I tried to speak up, I was told to shut up and be quiet."

Dr. Mark Lachs, director of geriatrics at New York Presbyterian, and Marie-Therese Connolly, direct of Life Long Justice, testified that much adult abuse is unreported and that crimes are perpetrated against the elderly that we would never stand for if they were perpetrated against children or animals

 Photo/Video credit: CNN

 [I put this as "Other Sites" because I put a link to Huffington Post]

I just came across a headline while on the Huffington Post's website just now. It's about a US Senator who talks about being secually abused as a child, and is just now speaking aboutit. I know we all here know what it's like to not be believed in these sorts of things, but I cannot help feeling that he could be using this for political gain. I've been interested in politics for many years, and I have seen politicians stoop to some low levels for success. Hopefully, he is not lying to win the Sympathy Vote. Below is the link to the article, and there is a video halfway through of his interview on 60 Minutes where he talks about what happened to him. Listen to the way he talks about it, so openly and calmly. Maybe it's just the fact I would never be able to do that on a major program like 60 Minutes,

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/16/scott-brown-sexual-abuse_n_824159.html?fbwall

 I have a little blog that I update from time to time, and I wrote an entry about PWP in it when I first joined back in early 2009. I finally got internet on my computer this past Thursday, so now I can take time and update things like I want. I'm wanting to update the blog. One of the things I want to include is the number of members on the site and say "as of [insert whatever date I post it]...". I went to the Browse Members page, and I saw this (copied and pasted):

|  viewing results 1-24 of 4724  |

But also saw (copied and pasted):

Members set to "private" not shown here.

So that means there are even more members than that, because I notice that a vast majority of members set their profile to private, which is great. But it gives a false member count. For all we know, ther could be ten times that many by now. Or I could be wrong and there only be fifty more than than that. So you see what I mean? I am wondering if anyone knows how I could find out about how many members there actually are? also, I would like to know as much as anyone could tell me that I could add, as I don't really know what to put. the original blog was just what I knew of the site at the time and is just three lines long. I'd loke to expand it into perhaps a full length article-like blog. I always enjoy spreading this site (and even created a [failed] Google Adsense page for it....but it...failed...), and I am still hoping to write a Wikipedia article for this site. I don't know, maybe this blog idea could beCOME the Wikipedia page...

there are many categories i wanted to put this in, but i had to settle for struggles.

2011 was supposed to be a good year. 2010 was the second worst year of my life (after 2007), and this year was supposed to make up for it. but we are only eight days in, and its already starting to surpass 2010. in the last four days alone, i found out i am going to lose my apartment, meaning i will be homeless again, my phone burned out last night, and the warrenty is void all because a tiny scratch on the back of the FACEPLATE, and i wont be able to afford a new phone for months. i havent felt so alone in all of 2010 as i do now. i just want to talk to my bestfriend and hear her voice again, and to tell her myself what is going on, and get her advice and, the way i am feeling right at this very moment, empty my tearducts till they are dry. i am helpless in any of these things, and all anyone can seem to say is "everything is going to get better", but then something else happens, and they say it again. one bad thing after the other, and i dont know how much more i can take. this is all too much, and i already know i wont be able to take anymore...

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[I decided to to a four-part "sequel" to My Story 2. It tells what happened after I went to the police and leads up to present day]

Wednesday 27 June 2007

I was just talking to one of my dearest PWP friends and I mentioned a song that reminded me of "the last time I ever saw Satghn". She asked what happened and I was upset for a second that she didn't know. then I realized that nobody knew because I never told anybody what happened...

As I am sure most people on this site will remember, Peggy passed away earlier this year. My dad was married to Peggy, and therefore KC (being Peggy's daughter) is my sister and Satghn (being KC's daughter) is my neice. they had lived in that house for all of thirty years, before KC was even born. KC hated that house because she had been abused there growing up, though she never talked about it. I only knew because Peggy told me. After Peggy passed away, KC wanted nothing more to do with the house, so they moved across the street to a vacant house they had owned all along. I went to go visit them a couple months ago, but the vacant house was still vacant, and the old house was also vacant. I went to a neighbour's who told me that they had packed up and moved suddenly about a month after Peggy died. when I asked where to, she toldme that KC didn't talk to anyone or even give a sign that they had any intentions of leaving. So basically, KC, Brandi, Destiny, Haili, and Satghn are somewhere out there, but nobody knows where.

The last time I ever saw Satghn was two months before Peggy died. I went over there and visited for a couple hours. I was chatting with my dad when she came up to me and said, "I have to go to bed now. Sing to me." So I sang her Blackbird by The Beatles. I decided to leave after that, even though she was still awake. But she had school the next day, and I know my presence would have kept her up. I kiss her on the cheek and told her goodnight and I loved her. She had a tragic look on her face and said it back....

Now that will be the last image I have of my neice.

If it doesn't work for you, click this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWJLjA5mPrE 

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

I got a temp job tonight at a local restaurant alongside one of my bestfriends, Kristin (Known to everyone on this site as Twilighter325 / ProblemSolved). Tonight was our first night working together. As soon as we got there, this guy split us up and put me on the dishes in the back and put her in the front with him. Every time I would ask him a question about what to do or how to do something, he would yell at me to shut up and would tell me to "sut your mouth, open your ears. Shut your mouth, open your ears...". When she got a moment to slip in the back to where I was, I told her that I felt this guy was sexist. She told me that he was following her around and making her feel uncomfortable. At one point, he told her, "You need a spanking," and then slapped her wityh a towel with me standing right next to her, while he said, "You have a baby face". I'm not violent, but the only reason I did not hit him was because Kristin was standing between us. He made her go into the dishwashing room alone with him and set me onto doing meaningless tasks. Several minutes later, Kistin walked up to me, looking nervous, asking me to come with her to the dishwashing room because he was making her feel scared. I didn't leave her side the rest of the night. Even going as far as...well, I am on her laptop right now. She didn't feel safe. I am NOT trying to brag. Which is why when she told me I could write this, I was tryingto find a way to write it without seem like I was bragging...but I stuck up for my friend, and I feel I did the right thing. As we are talking, she keeps revealing more things he did to sexually harrass her, but I told her I won't go into those details. She wants to write that Entry when she is ready. She just wants me to let you all know what happened in general.

She is now asleep. Feels weird, because we are wayout in the country and I do not have a signal on my phone. I just had to use her phone to txt a friend lol. I should go to sleep. I realize this is my first Entry in a long time. Now I am just ranting. Heidi-ho, good neighbour......

Goodnight.

What happende in 2007 haPPENee threr yeasr ago today, I amn only onlune for a minute,. I klove you akl

To give you an idea of how small the area was I was at and had the panick attack, just look at this. Here is the Google Streeview of where this was held at. The blue thing to the left side is the pavilion I took refuse at. (if all you see is code, click here). There were over 200 people cramed into that small building.

width="700" height="394" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" src="http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=embed&hl=en&geocode=&q=North+10th+and+treadaway+Abilene+Tx&sll=32.290425,-99.464154&sspn=0.554914,0.88028&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=N+10th+St+%26+N+Treadaway+Blvd,+Abilene,+Taylor,+Texas+79601&layer=c&cbll=32.456109,-99.726877&panoid=PRIiV5-5S6GrHeoRcae1CQ&cbp=13,359.28,,0,2.68&t=h&ll=32.460022,-99.719725&spn=0,0.060081&z=14&output=svembed">
View Larger Map

“Can I borrow your phone to take a picture and send it to my girlfriend?”
“Why does she need another picture of you?”
“Her newest picture of me was from Christmas Eve.”
“Alright. Here you go.”

That was the excuse I gave Coach Leong, an elder at my church, so he’d let me use his phone. I told him I was only taking the picture so Lyndsey would have a new picture of me. Yes, I sent it to her. But I wanted to take the picture to see how disturbed I looked right after a panick attack.

The previous day, after church, Jason had told me that the church was having a Memorial Day cookout at a school and wanted to know if I’d be there. He knew how I am generally anti-social. It took him four tries to get me to go to one of his get-togethers he has at his apartment from time to time. I eventually went. The four people there didn’t really bother me all that much. So when he invited me to this cookout, I was like, “Of course I’ll be there!”

I’ve never really liked being around people much. To everyone on PWP, I may seem “too friendly” (as someone has called me), but in reallife, I am a recluse and never get out. I can’t do crowds. Not big ones, at least. I go to the library to get online, but I don’t socialize with anyone except Drew (a library worker). I try to ignore everyone else around me. When I have to socialize, I usually lockup and don’t talk to anyone, preferring to sit on the sidelines and spectate.

I was at a friend’s house tonight (my only “hangout friend”, and he said, “Why do you flinch?” I asked him what he meant. “When I come near you, you flinch.” I asked him if I was just doing it tonight. “No, you’ve always done it, for as long as I’ve known you. I just never wanted to point it out, but now I’m just curious to know why.”

I was unawares of the flinching. If I flinch around a friend, how timid must I seem around the strangers at church? (I just started going to this particular church. The one I was going to before was four miles from my apartment, while this one is two blocks away...). The people there are still wanting to greet me, and I know for a fact now that I must seem panicky to them.

Jason offered to have someone pick me up, but the school was half the distance I normally walked to get to the library (which is two and a half miles away). So I walked. When I got there, I was greeted by a few people I still don’t know. One of them recognized me as a friend of Jason’s and informed me that he was inside in a room next to the gym, I went there and pulled up a chair. He introduced me to two of his friends. Don’t remember their names..

We sat there and talked (or, rather, they talked while I listened) and after twenty minutes, they called everyone in from the gym and outside to have a prayer before we ate. I’d known people were in the gym, but I wasn’t aware that most of the people was in there. They all poured out of there. The room Jason and I were in was filled up nearly instantly. We formed the back of the line.
This wasn’t even the room the food was in. That was the next room. We were slowly moving up the line and ten minutes later, being at the end of the line, we entered the MAIN room last. I lost Jason in the crowd. I began moving up the “line” and was eventually in the middle of the room.

There was no room to move. I am not exaggerating.

I tried not looking at the people, but the sound was beyond uncomfortable. I could feel my lungs filling with panick. My attempts at breathing failing miserably. My phone was nowhere to be found, though I knew which pocket it was in. I needed Lyndsey! I needed so badly! WHERE WAS MY PHONE?!

Found it later in the other room. Too late.

My breathing ceased all together. I felt way too dizzy, and the room began spinning around me. Faces blended with other faces. I couldn’t tell which direction I was facing or even if I’d moved at all or if I was standing still. I felt nothing except the ground as I slammed into it. Even that was just a small blur. I was only vaguely aware of hitting the floor. My vision cleared enough for me to see everyone walking past me. They really didn’t see me laying on the floor?! I still couldn’t breathe, but I crawled until I found a table and used it to stand. The older lady sitting at that table saw me, smiled, and said, “How are you?”. I rolled my eyes at her (I think...) and stumbled to the long table with the food.

I hurried to grab a burger and ran outside. I saw a pavilion, beside which was the grill. There were eight people sitting there chatting. As I approached, one of thm looked up and waved at me. “Sup?” he said to me. The others looked at me and waved. I timidly waved back and sat down on the far side away from them. They went back to talking amongst themselves.

I still couldn’t find my phone. It took me a few minutes to remember I’d left it in the first room, so I risked it and went back in. By then the crowd has thinned quite a bit. Mostly everyone had gone to the gym to eat. I grabbed my phone and went back to the grill. I had a txt from Lyndsey saying she loved me which had been sent during the panick attack (we have SO many stories like that). I txtd her back. I txtd Rose and told her what had happened. She helped calm me down. She’s awesome like that (as everyone here knows).

But she was busy for most of it (not criticising. It’s impossible to criticize this amazing person and pure blessing to anyone’s life), so I txtd Anne. She and I had a full conversation and she totally got my mind off of things and really calmed me down. (SHE’S AWESOME...just incase she didn’t know...)

After three burgers, two hotdogs, and I-forgot-how-many desserts, Jason txtd me. “Where r u? Have sum1 2 meet u.”

So I went back in and into the first room where we were bfore. There were five people there. I sat where I had before. Jason introduced me to another friend. Don’t remember her name. But we had SpongeBob in common, so we talked about that for nearly an hour. Then I saw Coach Leong pass. I remembered he had an awesome touch screen phone with a high resolution camera. Jason’s phone and the girl’s phone didn’t have a camera. So I followed him into the gym. I sat next too him and asked if I could play with his phone. He laughed and handed it to me. I played a Simpson’s puzzle game (FUN!!!) and then got around to opening up the camera. I asked him to take a picture for Lyndsey. I didn’t pose, though he kept saying, “Oh, smile a bit!”, so I evemtually did, so it captured my post-panick attack look. The smile is faked, but the rest is still fear.

Memorial Day was a very memorable day...

Peggy Guy
Abilene

Peggy Guy, 69, passed away Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at her home in Abilene, Texas. A get together will be set for family and friends on Saturday, June 12th, at 3:00p.m. in the home of Peggy Guy. Community Memorial Funeral Home is handling the cremation arrangements.
She was born to Charles and Alice McAdams in Illinois on January 12, 1941. Peggy was a member of the Church of the Seventh-Day Adventist in Abilene.
Peggy was preceded in death by her parents and husband, C.M., (died in 2003).
Survivors include her daughter, K.C. Rowton and partner Brandi Zullo of Abilene; son, Carl Guy and wife Kathy of Abilene; three granddaughters, Destiny Stokes, Haili and Satghn Rowton.
She touched many people's lives, including Rick Rowton, Kim Taylor, Aaron Lucy, Cody Reams, Micheal McDowell, Meredith Kleiner, Jaimi Paxton and many others.

[I noticed on my About Me, I put I AM A CHRISTIAN (firs tand foremost), but I have nothing Christian posted. I wrote this a few days ago. I plan to do more as time progresses.]

“Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars. He was holding a little scroll, which lay open in his hand. He planted his right foot on the sea and his left foot on the land, and he gave a loud shout like the roar of a lion. When he shouted, the voices of the seven thunders spoke. And when the seven thunders spoke, I was about to write; but the I heard a voice from heaven say, ‘Seal up what the seven thunders have said and do not write it down.’”

-Revelation 10:1-4

What exactly do you think of when you hear this? If you’re not religious, it may but be a bunch of “random bible talk”. If you are religious, you may see a promise of something. But a promise of what? Obviously, there is a lot of metaphors in this passage. If you saw a giant angelic being standing in the sea and land and shout so loud that thunder spoke back, you’d think you were going crazy. So let’s just assume that this passage is metaphor.

So let’s look at what the angel much represent. Something will take over the land and sea? Maybe it’s a for of government that regulates things? Perhaps not that one. The angel seemed to be the good guy in this passage, though a little scary in detail.

“...robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head...”

So he is either so tall that he seems to be wrapped in clouds, or he was literally wearing clouds. Again, we are just assuming this is a metaphor. But even metaphors have to make sense. The “height issue” may seem like a small deal, but it could be the difference between figuring this out and failing.

“...When he shouted, the voices of the seven thunders spoke...”

Now here is where you look at him and say, “Here’s the keys to my car! Please don’t hurt me!”

The thunders spoke when he shouted. Now what in tarnation could that mean? What did they even say? It much have been excruciatingly crucial for “a voice from heaven” to tell John to not write it down. That makes me thing maybe they were political slogans? Maybe even dates. I’m actually a little glad the “voice” told him to not write it. If it was foretelling the future, and was a political slogan or something, then either they would be used as every political slogan, or would be avoided at all costs. Can you imagine getting a glimpse at what was said? “Yes you can!” I wonder if that was one of them...?

I like puzzles and mind teasers and such, but we’ve no way to figure this one out until after these things are fulfilled.

I'm not sure if anyone pays enough attention to my Entries to remember Peggy. She's my stepmom. When I was living with my dad, that was actually her house. My dad just lived there. She is the one who stormed in and said, "I want you out of my house RIGHT NOW!!!" and then dumped me at the Salvation Army. I've always considered her to be one of my abusers. Not just because of the "RIGHT NOW!!!" thing. I've left her out of most of my Entries because she's old and blah blah blah. Felt wierd saying the things that she did.

Like, she came into my room and randomly started slapping my computer and calling it "useless technology bulls***". She spend a long time trying to force me to throw it out. She liked liked listening to my music (I have mostly oldies. 28,000 oldies songs, to be exact. 48,000 songs total), but she didn't like the thing the songs was on. Didn't make any sense.

New Years Eve, she told my dad, "Now Michael, we don't want to trouble tonight out of you. You're not going to ruin tonight for us." and she locked him in her room. We could hear him thrashing about to get out, throwing things, kicking the walls, screaming his head off. It was like a kid in timeout, or a prisoner in solitary confinment. Only this wasn't solitary. An hour later, after my dad had wore himself out and passed out on the floor, and after she said, "I want tonight to not have any drama in it", she turned to me at the table and said, "You know, your God contradicts Himself."

Yeah, I got mad.

"He says to not drink alcohol, yet his own SON" [she shouted "SON"] "turned water to wine. He drank wine at The Last Supper. If you saw the movie The Last Temptation of Jesus Christ, you'll see that He  was a drunkard."  She then had me get my bible (what a shock, she didn't have one) and looked up the "water to wine" verse. "...and they DRANK...See?! God's own Son got drunk! He contradicts himself!"

She never let that stop. Every time I saw her after that, she tried having the "wine always has been alcoholic" argument with me. Even when I explained to her that wine is grapes, she woudl say, "So you're saying that the Son of God drank grape juice? You hypocrite!" when I went and looked on Encycapedia Britanica (which I had on my computer) where it said that there are different kinds of wine, the most basic of which being grape juice (yes, Welshes is wine), she said, "that's just somebody's opinion!"

When I would come visit, she always greet me with, "I knew you would come back to me!"

She once made up this sotry about how I had beat her with my jacket, how I had "grabbed [my] jacket off the chair and swung it at [her] repeatedly." Luckily, most people knew that wasn't something I would ever do. She, on the other hand, did beat me. One time it was bad enough to need the hospital, but she bolted my door so I couldn;t get out. the other times was just a slap or a punch. The time she bolted my door, she had pushed me into some glass. a shard got stuck in my arm and it bled real bad. She grabbed my other arm and threw me in my room and bolted it. I'm lucky to not have a scar from that.

Four months ago, Peggy had a stroke. I went to go visit her. She looked so weak. To my surprise, I actually felt bad for her. I wanted her to recover. It was awful seeing her like that. In early March, Kristin and I visited my dad at the hous. Peggy came out and looked worse than before. Kristin is technically a nurse, and when I told Peggy this, she told Kristin in detail what was wrong. Kristin understood. I didn't. Something I did understand was when her hand was just sitting there by her side and then curled up on it's own. That scared Kristin and I both.

My dad called me on May 21 to tell me that Peggy was in a coma and that he had left her. He's currently living with Martha (my aunt).

On the night of June 7, 2010, Peggy passed away. I'm still confused on my feelings of this. I'm on the verge of tears at all times, but I'm also not wanting to shed any for her. I'm being forced to go to the funeral (which has yet to be planned).

I keep thinking "One down". Is this wrong?

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 I am such an idiot!! I just found this on Google Maps: Street View. It's the house it happened in...

...and there was something I was hoping would happen by today. I told myself that if it didn't happen by today, I would do something.......

I can't say what the first thing is I am talking about (lol), but I can say what the second thing is.

When I joined a year ago, I claimed to be a Supporter (I AM!!!!), but was actually a Survivor disguised as a Supporter. Over the course of this year, I have gone through so many wonderful (and many not-so-wonderful) things, and have opened up more than I ever have in my entire life. I've told everyone about what happened to me when I was little. I told everyone about what happened in 2007. I told my closest friends (most of whom are people I met on here) about things I never thought I'd tell anyone. I am forever grateful to this site and hope to make some sort of difference on here eventually.

What I am getting at is, this is a big day for me (I know it sounds corny, but I look at this as a sort of holiday for me), and I want to let it be known to everyone on this site and elsewhere that the moment I post this, I will be changing my profile from a Supporter account to a Survivor account.

Now I am shaking....

[I have been a member on this site exactly one year today. I've spent the past week trying to think of something to post today. What are the odds that something VERY PWP-worthy happened last night.]

I was tryingto make this my facebook status, but apparently those things have 420 character limit.

There is a story about three men walking down a beach who
                   came across a lamp buried in the sand.
                They picked it up and began wiping it off.
                A genie popped out and told them, "I'll grant each of you
                   one wish."

                The first man rubbed the lamp and whispered, "I wish I were
                   ten times smarter."
                "You are now ten times smarter," announced the genie. "You are now a college graduate."

                The second guy took the lamp and rubbed it and murmured,
                   "I wish I were a hundred times smarter."
                "You are now a hundred times smarter," the genie mandated. You are now a scholar."

                The third man rubbed the lamp and said, "I wish I were a
                   thousand times smarter."
                "You are now a thousand times smarter", announced the genie "You are now a woman."

I just looked up Points With Purpose on Wikipedia. I'm always telling people that everything is on Wikipedia, but I was just proven wrong. PWP is not on Wikipedia. This really worries me! there needs to be Wikipedia article about Points with Purpose! I'm asking that either someone on here writie it, or I will do it. I know I'm not exactly the most qualified person to writie the Wikipdeia entry (nor am I even slightly qualified), but if no one else will write the Wikipedia ariticle about Points With Purpse, I will be forced to do it myself!

Here is the link to write the article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Points_with_Purpose&action=edit&redlink=1

[I've been going through my Blogger account even more since the other day. I have several I'd like to post here, but I'll space them out. The following was my very first blog. It was posted on 3 March 2009. As I did in the previous Blogger to PWP Entry, I'll edit it for grammer and facts. The link to the original blog is as follows: http://new-beginning-blog.blogspot.com/]

[update: It's been a little over a year since this was posted on Blogger. I moved into my apartment on March 25, 2010 (it'll be a year in two days!!!!), and I still don't have internet at home. I'm still having to go to the library to use internet. I go to Martha's house from time to time. she tells me to consider it like my second home. Everytime my electricity gets cut (.....) she lets me stay there till it gets turned back on.]

I am a member on several other "help" sites, and there is one message that I see on almost every one of them, posted by different people. I've gone around flagging all of them (because there is no way that it is possible to be real, the number of tiems I have seen it pop up). It is sad that people use "help" sites for thier own selfish purposes. The message I have been flagging is as follows:

Hello…I am an Indian girl staying in sharjah. i Have taken loan from people for around 30,000 AED in dubai and i need help in paying that loan… I have been thrown out of job due to cost custting by company and within few days i have to leave for india. I need help of a gentlemen who can help me in paying that loan to people as i have no option other than to ask people to help me…….please help me people …I wannna go back peacefully to my country…..help me

If you see this or any similar messages, please be careful. It is more than likely a scan and should be handled with extreme care. You would think they would change the message up, but it's liek they copy and paste it (like I just did)...(but my reason was to protect my friends...)...(that wasn't their reason)....

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout, I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about; The Admission is free, so pay at the door, Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor. One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other. One was blind and the other couldn't see, So they chose a dummy for a referee. A blind man went to see fair play, A mute man went to shout "hooray!" A deaf policeman heard the noise, And came and shot those two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it, too!

I just came across this video on youTube and thought it would fit in nicely on this site. Hope every one watches it and (maybe even) gets something out of it. I watched some of her other videos and left a comment to this video (I am MarfaFilmz) telling her about this site.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dxhzNsX434

Sword of Trauma

 

[The following was written 31 January 2010. It’s a story that I have held in and never told anyone until last November. I have been afraid to post it because I was afraid that there would be people who would call me a liar for not coming forward with this when I fist joined PWP. Since I have written this, I have only let my closest of friends read it. There have been a few of even them who think I made it all up. I assure you that it is all true. Even still, I honestly do not care anymore if everyone on PWP think me a liar. All that matters is that the really important people (to me) believe me and have supported and helped me, and that’s all that counts. I now give you one of my most deepest secrets...]

I know that Wichkid posted an Entry explaining his screenname, so I figured I would explain mine (also, because a couple of people were asking what it meant).
The first time I ever really used the internet was in 2003. I had used it a little in 2001, but wasn’t supposed to (got on while parents were gone lol). The very first thing I did online was create my first email account, which is still in use today (crazyluzzr13@yahoo.com).
Back then, I created a new nickname for every site I joined. I used Tei Mei Shoo (pronounced Tie My Shoe) for Friendster, Jurro du Quan (my Star Wars RPG name...) on Tagged, and Rufus the One (named after my dog, Rufus) on Blogger
So for Hi5, I sat down and tried to make up a new name...
I had just read of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and there was a character named Beta. I liked the sound of that.
At that time (and still to this day) I was (am) interested in the Marfa Lights phenomena in Marfa, Texas.
I took the two names, and invented Beta Marfa.
After I was done with Hi5.com (I follow the crowd lol), I liked that name so much that I kept using it when I joined MySpace in 2005. I’m sure that if you google “Beta Marfa”, you’ll get pages and pages of me. I have used it on pretty much every site since Hi5 (I’m still on there).
In early 2009, I created a youTube channel. I’ve always wanted to be a director. If I ever do make it big, I hope to found my own studio, and call it (you guess it) Marfa Films.

(When I joined youTube, I messed it up. Long story... I had to delete that account and try it again, but “MarfaFilms” was still on their registry. So if you go to youTube and look up MarfaFilmz (with a “z”), you’ll find me. The “z” really annoys me...)

I created my Points With Purpose account the DAY I created my youTube account, so that’s why my screenname is MarfaFilms. It was on my mind at the time. Had I known how important PWP would later become to me, I wouldn’t have chosen this screenname. I keep wanting to create a new account with the name I would have chosen. So if you login one day and see in the news feed that “dontpanic42 has signed up”, it’s me. I doubt I’d do that, but I want to...

My desired screenname is yet another Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference. Don’t Panic! Also, 42 is the Meaning of Life.

This is mainly just me rambling on about nothing. For all you Seinfeld fans, an alternate name for this is “An Entry about Nothing”.
I am currently listening to Africa by Toto. It’s a rather sad song (in my mind). It makes me reminisce. About what, I don’t know. Music is one of the greatest things ever. This is such a beautiful song! Which reminds me! I once told Star, “Your laugh is the third most beautiful thing I have ever heard!” She said, “Aww! What’s second?” I said, “Your voice!” She said, “Aww! What’s first?” I said, “Fireflies by Owl City”. She didn’t say, “Aww!” to that...
Now I’m listening to Ottoman by Vampire Weekend.
I am actually taking a break from typing a certain essay that’s due the 22nd. It’s a little more stressful than I though it’d be, but I wouldn’t ever go back on my word. It will get done.
This site is the greatest I have ever joined. I just wish I had found it sooner. Then maybe we would all be closer and rainbows would float on ice...
The reason I spoke British after the party was because she asked me to. I can’t refuse an offer such as this, “Say ‘Good day, Mister Cannington!’ with an accent”. It’s inconceivable.
Anyway, I speak to you tonight like I do a sister...with anguish and impatience.

On a serious note, I ran into A Minor on the way home. He told me to B Flat!!!!!

Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal is a totally great game!

I like Guitar Hero, but would rather play Harmonica Hero. Just don’t share the controller, and DO NOT play the in-store demo!

I love you all, but you’re all f***n mad!

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas, please
Fold em', let em' hit me, raise it, baby stay with me (I love it)
Love, game, intuition, play the cards with spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart

(Lady GaGa dresses weirder than The White Stripes)

(Yes, Mandee. I’ve had sweets...)

Alright, I’ve “sobered up”. Lately, I have been rather depressed about a bunch of stuff. There is something huge I need to say, but am too afraid to. The only people I’ve told are my CLOSE friends, along with a few other people (and a couple of people on this site). I first told people in November, but it seems the longer it’s been, the harder it is to know they other people know what happened, and it’s just left me depressed and it has ben getting worse lately.
There are three people (all three of them fellow PWP Survivors, ironically enough), who have made me feel better during this time. I’ll only say who two of them are.
1. Mandee totally surprised me by telling me that she somehow knew that there was more to my story than I said, and I am incredibly grateful to have her as a friend. (She’s one of the few people I have told the hidden part of my story to).
2. I know she already saw this coming (for I already told her that she has cheered me up beyond measure), but I just want to thank Lynsey once again. She and I have REALLY befriended this past week. I am typing this on Saturday night (February 13, 2010) and will post it on PWP Monday at the library (February 15, 2010). I am unable to get online on Sundays. Lynsey and I discussed this earlier today, and as we have talked every day this week, both of us aren’t looking forward to the day of silence. I promised her I’d send her a Valentine’s eCard, but I forgot t (=’[[), and will on Monday.
3. (She knows who she is)

I hope to gather the courage to post the hidden part of my story. I’ve chosen to call it “My Story 2: The Summer of 2007". I’m tempted to just shout what it’s about right here, but I can’t seem to.

I am now listening to Baby You’re My Light by Richard Hawley.

[I love this song! I'd like to thank a certain PWP meber for "singing" it to me, because it really cheered me up]

Wonderful World

by James Morrison

I've been down so low

The following is from the abilene Reporter News.

(http://www.reporternews.com/news/2010/feb/09/abilene-crime-rate-up-54-percent/)

Rape and drug abuse each increased more than 30 percent in Abilene in 2009, while the overall crime rate was up 5.4 percent.

The Abilene Police Department released crime statistics this week that are submitted annually through the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting Program.

After overall crime and violent offenses decreased between 2007 and 2008 — 3 percent and 8.4 percent, respectively — the numbers released this week for 2009 show increases in both areas.

Abilene police Sgt. Keith Shackleford said the 2009 numbers reflect favorably on Abilene, even if crime rates for some offenses increased.

“What we saw in the crime statistics for 2009 is that Abilene is still a safe place to live,” Shackleford said. “... I can’t tell you violent crime doesn’t happen in Abilene. I can tell you violent crime is not the norm for our city; it is the exception, even with the increase.”

Some of the notable aspects of the report include:

n Violent crime was up 3.3 percent, while property crime increased 7.2 percent.

n Rape increased by about 31 percent, but other sex crimes (indecent exposure, public lewdness, etc.) decreased by about 39 percent.

n The number of murders remained flat compared with 2008, at seven each year.

n Driving while intoxicated and public intoxication increased 6 percent and 10 percent, respectively, while drug abuse increased about 33 percent.

Shackleford said 10 of the 14 traffic fatalities last year involved alcohol.

Abilene continues to compare favorably with other cities its size in the state, Shackleford said, and the number of crimes that occur here per capita should be taken into consideration.

As an example, he points to the 400 aggravated assaults reported in 2009, which is 35 more than were reported in 2008.

“The 9.6 percent increase seems like a significant amount,” Shackleford said. “However, when we consider there are 116,000 residents in Abilene, we view the reported number with a different perspective.”

It’s difficult to pinpoint a reason for the increase in rapes in 2009, Shackleford said, but 60 percent of the victims knew their attackers.

The increase in drug abuse reported in 2009 can be directly linked to increased and focused enforcement, Shackleford said. The APD division that investigates drug crimes spent a big part of 2007 cracking down on eight-liner gambling operations, and in 2008, the department lost several senior agents to retirement.

Last year, APD and other law enforcement agencies in the area increased their cooperation in narcotics investigations, and a drug dog joined the force. Also, street crimes were removed from the division’s tasks, allowing it to focus solely on drug and vice investigations, Shackleford said.

Cort Tanner, a professor of criminal justice at Cisco College, said drug crimes often lead to an increase in property crime because criminals typically have to steal to get money to support their habits.

On the whole, crime in the United States has been decreasing over the past several years, Tanner said. While the 5.4 percent increase in overall crime in Abilene is significant, he said it probably isn’t too far out of balance with the rest of the nation.

Tanner said the increase in property crimes in 2009 might have been the result of the sagging economy, which left some people out of work and without money.

The police department is developing new strategies and continuing existing programs to help officers fight crime in 2010, but Shackleford said some of the responsibility for preventing crime falls on the community.

“Crimes go up or down, in many cases, irrespective of what the police do or don’t do,” he said.

Shackleford touted neighborhood watches as an inexpensive but effective way to fight crime, and he said residents should take opportunity away from criminals.

“Locking doors, securing valuables, having good lighting on your property, taking your keys with you when you leave your vehicle are all areas each of us could improve on and help reduce these crimes,” Shackleford said.

Most of you will remember a couple months ago when Jenn (DeepBlueEyes17) recanted her story and claimed to have lied about ever being abused.  Many months before then, I had befriended her and we exchanged phone numbers. We would text each other and call and talk. There were many times that She would need someone to talk to and I would call her and talk with her. I have many, many good memories of her, and was devastated when another friend texted me to tell me that Jenn confessed to making everything up (someone had called the police and when they showed up, her dad was confused and Jenn was scared and confessed). I thought back to the times over the phone after “incidents” (won’t go into detail) and remembered she sounded. She would sound panicky and a few times actually broke down while on the phone with me.
 So with that in mind with the fact that she confessed, I was under the assumption that she was really sick, to believe her own lies to the point where she actually cried about them over the phone.
 I have been spending the past several days reading all of Mandee’s Entries. There are so many, and I read so slow, that it’s taken me almost a month to finish them (I finally finished reading them tonight). There was one Entry in particular I wanted to talk about. It’s her Entry titled “URGENT!” (Those of you familiar with Madee’s Entries probably saw that coming, seeing the topic of the first two paragraphs.)
 In it, Mandee talks about how she believes that Jenn lied about lying to protect her father. After reading it I rolled my eyes (“Of course Mandee would have those views!”).
 But then I thought about it...
 When she was talking to me over the phone, she had REAL emotion in her voice. I don’t think even the highest paid actor could have pulled that off. I now agree with Mandee and think that Jenn is a Survivor.
 I also want to apologize...

 Not very many people know this (because I have decided not to tell very many people), but I am the one who called the police that night. They took down my info and told me (and I quote), “If anything happen to my men out there, I’m coming after you.” That had me scared, because I didn’t know what Jenn’s father was capable of. They also told me not to inform anyone that they were on their way (I had told them I was talking to Brit.  They didn’t want me telling her then have her telling Jenn and have her give hints to her dad).
 After I was told by Brit that Jenn had confessed and that she had posted that Entry apologizing to everyone, the police called me back  and criticized me. I apologized to them and told them that I had no idea at all that she was lying. Then they made a bunch of threats and hung up.
 All the drama that unfolded over the next month or so around Jenn is completely my fault. I shouldn’t have called the cops. It was me thinking I was helping and, as always, end up making things worse for everyone. I have that tendency and really hate the fact that I can’t help anyone no matter how hard I try and want. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve ever hurt or failed to protect.

 I’m so sorry, Jenn.

Asking for things (of any kind): I was raised to not ask for things, even if I really needed them. I have so many childhood memories of asking for something (a favour, something at the store, etc.) and my dad hitting me or punishing me and saying, “Don’t ask for stuff.”
 After we (my mom and I) left and then met and moved in with Wayne, that mind set stayed with me. Even though he (Wayne, my stepfather) never told me “Don’t ask for stuff”, he did say things like, “Don’t ask for things you don’t need or can’t afford.”
 That, mixed with what my dad “taught” me, led to me literally afraid to aks for stuff. It really annoys my friends and other people. My biggest problem with that is food and money. I will go several days without food (in my apartment) and be too afraid to ask anyone if they either have anything they don’t want/need, or if they could give me a lift to Wal-Mart or Save.A.Lot so I can go shopping.
 In December, Kristin (Twilighter325) proved her awesomeness yet again when she found out I had been three days without food. She picked me up and we went to Save.A.Lot and spent $150 on food. Her mom is also awesome (which is where Kristin gets it) and told me that if I ever go without food again without telling them that she will hunt me down and beat me up (lol I love her).
 Long story short, I am now hiding from Kristin’s mom. . .
 Yeah, once that supply ran out, I was too afraid to tell her that I was out of food. Not because of the threat (she was kidding anyway), but because of what my dad “taught” me.
 Several months ago, I walked several miles from my house to the local Hastings to apply for a job. At the time, I didn’t have any food, so I made the walk there on an empty stomach and no water in me (that I did have, but was too lazy to drink before leaving). Hastings only applies online, so I started walking back. I was halfway back when I got really dehydrated and had to stop at United (grocery store). I skipped past the fear and called around for a ride. The only person who could come was the preacher’s wife. When she got there, she asked me what food I had at home (she knew I usually don’t have much). I lied and said I had “enough”. She didn’t fall for it and anted to know exactly what I had. So I told her. “Mustard, ketchup, salt, pepper, soy sauce, coffee, and sugar”. She slammed on the breaks and I hit my head on the dashboard, just as Star’s grandma was calling my phone. I don’t remember why she called me, but she knew as soon as I said, “Hello?” in a more groggy voice than usual that something wasn’t right. Evelyn took the phone from my hand and told her what had happened. I could hear Star’s grandma yelling through the phone, asking why I never told them I had no food. They stayed on the phone for half an hour (SO glad I have unlimited talk!) and both decided to gather some food up for me.
 Currently, I am running short of food, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!
 Someone said I don’t ask for things because I am too “proud” to do so. What exactly do I have to be “proud” of, anyway? I am totally not prideful!

 [I didn’t think this side effect was important enough to mention here. Then (about a week or so ago, I read one of Mandee’s Entries titled “Asking for Help / Thought for Today”. After reading that, I realized that it was (in fact) a side effect jut as much as the other things I am about to discuss. There was a line in that Entry that I took literal. “Try asking for a garbage bag from a neighbour even if you have a ton under your sink.” I didn’t have a ton of bags (in fact, I was out), but I remembered this line and the fact that my upstairs neighbours have the exact same trash can as I do and asked for a bag. Mandee was right when she said, “Asking for help is not always easy but you deserve it and will see that when you ask.”; Instead of giving me one bag, my neighbour gave me three bags, which will last a couple of weeks instead of the few days that just one will. Thanks Mandee!]

“Am I allowed...?” state of mind: Something that really made up a lot of the abuse was the phrase, “You’re not allowed...”. Like, I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things. That really carried on over to when I was in high school and I was grounded all the time (THAT’S another story all together. . .), and I REALLY wasn’t allowed to do anything. Couldn’t go to friend’s houses, couldn’t go places, couldn’t watch tv, couldn’t...
 Not blaming Wayne for all of this, just pointing something out...
 Anyway, after I graduated and got out on my own and yada, yada, yada, I was still under that impression. It really hurt my relationship with my friends at church in 2008 and 2009, because they’d want me to go somewhere with them, and I would say I “couldn’t”. They interpreted that as I had something to do. I know this sounds dumb, but I felt that I “wasn’t allowed”. Even now, there are times I want to go somewhere or do something, but I don’t because I’m not sure if I “can”. I know that no one is going to...”punish?” me (I couldn’t think of what to put there, so that’s why I put the “quotes” and “?”), but I still feel that I “can’t”. I think this is the weirdest and lamest side effect so far. I have a feeling that I’m going to be made fun of for this one in particular.
 I think this side effect ties in with the other one. I’m not sure because I’ve never directly thought of that until now, but what if I’m afraid to ask for things because I’m afraid I’m “not allowed” to ask for things? Now that doesn’t make much sense, because Kristin’s mom TOLD me to tell her when I am out of food, so I am definitely “allowed”.
 I’ve never liked that word, that’s why I am putting quotes around it. To “allow” someone to do something assume that you have control over them, and as I don’t believe in anyone having control over another human being, I do not like the idea of someone “allowing” you do to something.
 When Star and I were still together, someone asked me if I was going to “allow” her to have her own computer...
 WTF?!
 If Star wants to get a computer, she can very well get a computer! She doesn’t need “permission” from me or whomever! (And that goes for all other aspects, not just computers and relationships).
 Like when Obama said he would “allow” us to keep our doctors.
 He is just a f***n President and has NO RIGHT to “allow” us to do ANYTHING!
 [By the way (and Mark and Kristin found this out the hard way), do NOT get me started on politics. My self edit is proof enough why...(I had actually said the word then deleted it, then realized that it fit perfectly...though I don’t cuss...]

Fear of getting wet: When I was little, my dad and his friends would take me to the deepest part of the lake and play “human volleyball” with me. I was only four and/or five (not sure how many times this happened, but I know it was much more than once). Being as I couldn’t swim, if one of my dad’s friends missed me I went straight to the bottom and they would have to dive down and find me. Lake Fort Phantom is famous for it’s crystal clear waters...NOT! The waters are incredibly muddy and impossible to see through. Goggles are pointless because you can’t even see your hand in from of your face. So it would take my dad’s friends a bit to find me. They normally didn’t give me a chance o catch my breath before they started tossing me around again.
 Things like that have led me to have a fear of getting wet.
 When I tell friends that, they say, “Then how do you take a shower?”
 Soap powders...
 lol just kidding. There are exceptions like that.
 My fear has grown over time. Like, back in 2006 we got a massive swimming pool. I used to swim in that. In fact, I used to hold myself underwater just because I like the view there.
 Now, you can’t even get me to stick my hand in a pool.
 Many years ago, my family and I were at Lake Sweetwater. They were all in the lake, swimming and everything. I was on the...beach...?...shore...area and Wayne was trying to talk me into the lake, but I wouldn’t do it. I would start to, but then the water touched my foot and I had flashbacks to Lake Fort Phantom and start crying and screaming. I’m pretty sure that Wayne did not know about what happened when I was little, because he eventually got mad because I wouldn’t get in the lake (not out of control mad, but “Fine!” mad).
 More recently (three days ago, in fact. . .), I had an incident that I’m embarrassed about, but I’m almost certain that it’s safe to post on here...
 We have been getting a lot of rain lately (I hate it!!!!). With great rains come great puddles (I ALMOST said “Great responsibility...I don’t know, habit?). I was walking home from my aunt’s house late that night and had on a rain coat she let me borrow. My MP3 Player was in my coat and out of the way when this happened (THANK GOD!) I was walking around this large group of puddles (and it also has been a bit icy), and slipped and landed hard in a rather large and deep puddle. Water splashed up all around me, and a bunch fell right back on top of me.
 My mind was full of flashbacks and I think I may have screamed. All I know is that the next thing I know, I’m laying in this puddle of water (it was so deep that it almost covered me), and that it was near freezing that night, and also I was crying. Not silent tears. I was bawling, like a little kid. It’s like it never occurred to me in all of my fright to get out of the puddle. I layed there for maybe thirty minutes, then slowly got up and stumbled home, weeping the whole way and crying myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was sick and could hardly move and was that way most of the day.
 When I was finally able to get up, I had a total OCD moment and scrubbed my tub (which was nearly black) for two hours (until it was white again), and I was sore for the next two days.

 If you’ve been following my Entries the past couple days, you’ll know that yesterday was exactly a year since my family dropped me off at the Salvation Army for no reason and that I went over there (to my family’s house) for the first time since November and saw my niece (Satghn) for the first time since July. I promised to let everyone know how it went. Here it goes.

 First off, Citylink (the local bus system) completely changed their schedule January 1, 2010, after many, many years of the same routes. I got on the old bus number that used to go within a mile of their house...and ended up going the opposite direction. Once I got back to the station, I found out that, because of the schedule change, that bus now goes farther. I got off a HALF MILE from their house (which made it easier for me!).
 When I got there, Haili (my niece, 12) was taking some trash out and was confused when she saw me. She didn’t recognize me until I was twenty feet away, then she ran at me (a running hug from Haili? Was she feeling okay?). when we got inside, there was an immediate stirring of excitement from everyone.
 As soon as I saw Satghn, I shouted her name (and she shouted mine, more of a reflex) and we ran at each other and...one of those spinning hug things. I spun her around. I’m sure everyone knows she’s my favourite.
 Then they wondered what was in the bag I was holding. I explained that, since I’d missed Satghn’s birthday and then Christmas, I’d brought something for everyone. I pulled out Satghn’s stuffed dog and right away she said, “Aww!!!! I love it!” and hugged it and called it “Mrs. Fluffy” (???). I handed Haili a stuffed elephant I got a long time ago. I was afraid she would consider it too childish, but she liked it.
 Then I handed KC (my sister) and Peggy their cds (Now That’s What I Call the 80s: Volume 2, Now That’s What I call Power Ballads, and Nickelback: Dark Horse). They were overjoyed. All the songs KC grew up with were on the two Now cds, and she loved them. Peggy just loves old music.
 My dad got a kick out of the games I got him (“Monopoly? How did they manage to make THAT into a computer game?”).
 Destiny (my niece, 16)  wasn’t there, so I handed her cds to KC (Now That’s What I call Music: Volume 30 and Now That’s What I Call Music: Volume 31).
 My phone had died, but I had my spare on me. It doesn’t have any service (it’s not activated), but I took pictures with it. I plan to Bluetooth them to the preacher’s son and have him email them to me, then post them at the end of this Entry at a later date.
 Satghn fell in love with my dead phone (the slider phone which I have pictures of in my albums on this site, in the “Fun With A Camera Flash” album). I promised her that when I get a new phone sometime in the next couple months I’d give her the slider. Even though the battery was dead, she kept trying to turn it on, and getting more and more upset the more it shut off on her before really turning on. I wound up having to take it from her and put it in my pocket so she couldn’t get it, but she began to throw a bit of a fit (which are rare for her) so I handed her the phone again.
 My dad, Satghn, and I sat in the livingroom and watched Family Guy. She decided to sit in my lap (like old times) even though there were two empty chairs. She’s so adorable!
 KC made homemade BBQ sandwiches which we ate and I was surprised that tasted good. KC hasn’t exactly shown much ability in the kitchen. She claims she learned it on her own, but I think Paula and Rachel have something to do with it (for those of you familiar with Food Network).
 Satghn insisted to carry around my MP3 Player. I found out that her favourite song is Bad Romance by Lady GaGa. She sang it all the time while I was there.
 KC played Uno with Brandy (KC’s “friend”...I’ll talk about that later) while I watched Satghn put a diaper on Mrs. Fluffy (???). Then KC put in Now 30. Satghn and I sang and danced to Just Dance by Lady GaGa. KC was laughing at us the whole time (“You dorks!”). Then she put in the Nickelback cd and did the same thing to Burn It Down by Nickelback. I was not aware that Satghn knew what headbanging was. She took her hair out of a bun and totally let loose. It was so cool! I was so proud! *tear*
 Haili and Satghn sleep in the livingroom. Satghn sleeps on the couch. As they wee laying down to sleep, I sat on the other end of the couch (she took up two out of three cushions, I sat on the third). She handed me her stuffed bear, which she had had since she was born, and said, “This is your late Christmas present from me.” I tried refusing, but she wouldn’t let me.
 The name of the bear?... Mr. Fluffy... (???)
 I got up to leave and walk home, she told me that she didn’t want me to go, and even gave me the puppy-dog eyes. She KNOWS I cannot ignore that face. I promised her I’d stay until she fell asleep. That cheered her up.
 So I sat with her while I watched KC and Brandy play dominoes. They were trying to explain the point of it to me, but I’m still not exactly sure what the point of it is...
 Satghn took TWO hours to fall asleep. She kept wanting “goodnight hugs and kisses”. She’s cute, but that eventually got a bit annoying (not that I didn’t appreciate the love, but that the longer I waited the later it was going to be when I got home.
 Eventually, she fell asleep and I got up and kissed her on the cheek and said, “I love you, brat!”. Guess she wasn’t asleep. She whispered, “I love you, nerd.” I smiled and turned and said goodnight to everyone.
 My dad offered to drive me as far as the Interstate (a third of the way to my place), as he don’t have his license. As we were walking to the car, he was explaining to me all the changes that Peggy was making him work on (she’s always changing everything). Eventually, I got home around midnight.

 I was there a total of eight hours. In that time, not one fight broke out. Everyone was sober. Brandy had injured her shoulder at work and was on some kind of intense painkiller and seemed high, but wasn’t. This was probably the happiest everyone has seemed there in a long time. Usually you could tell then they’d just fought. When I got there, there wasn’t any of those signs, so I know they weren’t hiding it because I showed up. The last time I’d seen Satghn, it was during a fight and she was crying. That was my last memory of her from July until today. Now my last memory of her was her peacefully trying to sleep, and the last thing she said to me was “I love you”. We weren’t able to say bye the time before in July. Haili even seemed to have missed me. She never really seemed interested in the fact I existed before, and every time I came to visit, she’d roll her eyes, but this time she ran and hugged me.
 There was one moment when I started to have a flashback. I was in the spot where my dad had shoved her against the wall. I saw that in my head and almost had a panic attack, until I saw Satghn in the same spot where she had been that time, and I saw the contrast between her laying there, red-faced, and the girl laughing there, so full of joy, like nothing ever happened.
 I honestly go back there every time for her. I’d been afraid she’d be mad at me for missing her birthday, but that may as well been just a bad dream, because she wasn’t even slightly upset. Even if she was secretly mad, Mrs. Fluffy (???) made up for it.
 I promised her I’d come back within the next year or so.

...was the day my dad dropped me off at the Salvation Army. I'm planning on walking over there after I leave the library. I haven't seen Satghn since July, and I am excited to see her! As I missed her birthday and Christmas, I came carrying gifts (for everyone, not just her). I got her a stuffed animal (dog) that is very huggable. I couldn't help hugging it while putting it in the bag lol. I got my dad a bunch of computer games. He has a computer and only uses it to play games, so I got him Monopoly and Solitaire Deluxe (it has, like, a hundred different kinds of Solitaire. I only knew of two. Regular and spider...). I got Peggy (stepmom) and KC (sister) cds (lol go figure).

So excited, yet afriad at the same time... I know they won't be mean to me in the short time I'll be there, but I know I'll have Flashbacks Deluxe...

...She sent this to me on facebook.

I posted My Story several months ago. In it, I revealed things I had mostly blocked out, and had came back in the few weeks since the flashbacks at Star’s house. I’ve since remembered a bunch more memories (with the help of my aunt and my mom), and have decided to write them.
 I’m not sure why, but for some reason when I posted the first one, I was afraid my family would be mad at me. “Don’t go spreading your drama all over the internet!” I could imagine them saying as I posted it.
 Quite the contrary. They were proud that I had opened up, and when more memories started flooding back, they encouraged me to write those as well. I’d been putting it off for months until now. I had a talk with my mom about this a few hours ago, and when she asked if I had written the returned memories and I said no, she said, “Write them! Before you loose them again!”
 So I am.

 The first person who helped the memories come back was my aunt. When I told her that I’d posted the first one, I thought for sure that she (my dad’s sister) would be mad. She said, “Well that’s good! Getting that out there can really clear things up and make you feel better.”
 She then told me things that she remembered that I sorta kinda remember. One in particular was one day when I was three. I wouldn’t stop crying for whatever reason, and he picked me up and threw me across the room. I landed on the couch, so I wasn’t injured, but (Martha said) he wasn’t aiming.
 My dad has always been a die-hard football fan. I personally hate the sport. It really bores me. I only watch the Super Bowl, and only for the commercials and Half-Time Show...
 Anyway, she remembers countless times where I would walk in front of the tv while a game was on and he would kick me out of the way. When I would start crying, he would slap me and send me to my room.
 Martha remembers (and so do I) the many fights she had with my dad about the way he treated me. If you remember the last Entry about him, you’ll know he has a temper. There were times before a Clash of the Titians-type fight where Martha would send me to my room. I have remembered this for years. It was up until a week ago that I thought she did it to be rid of me, but she told me last week that it was to protect me from the fight.
 There were times that my dad and his friends would be over and he would let them take turns abusing me (pushing me violently from person to person, each of them laughing) and calling me names. I (unfortunately) remember all this. Some of the things I’ve been told lately I don’t remember.
 My mom told me about a tricycle I had (I remember the tricycle), and I would ride it on the pavement (making loud noises), and he’d always through it over the fence (that I remember). My mom would always go and get it for me and he’d throw it over again. What I don’t remember (but really don’t doubt at all) is that he made me watch as he threw it in the dumpster. I thought I remembered it at first, but I don’t.
 When I told my mom the parts of the story I wrote in My Story and I got to the parts at the lake, she had no idea about the human volleyball game my dad and his friends would play. She just found out about that a few hours ago... She didn’t look happy about it at all... Also, she added to the beer bottle incident. I don’t remember this part. My dad wouldn’t let her take me to the emergency room. It was bleeding really bad and needed stitches yet he didn’t seem to care. She said that a month or so later we were back at the lake (my mom never joined us; she could never put up with my dad’s friends) and I jumped off some rock or something and opened the wound back up, and he still wouldn’t take me to the emergency room (I still don’t remember that, but I was only about four, so...).
 I remember countless times my dad would take me to bars with him and his friends. That’s illegal, but he was close buddies with the owner, so thy stayed hush-hush on it. I can’t tell you how many times a bar fight would break out. Many times right next to where we were. One time a beer bottle was thrown and shattered against my dad’s head and he turned and threw himself in the middle of the fight and one of his friends (Mickey) got me out of there and took me home. Mickey got beat up by my dad later.
 Oh, Mickey...
 Mickey is my dad’s “bestfriend” (my dad’s claim), yet he totally hates him. Almost every time Mickey was over while I lived there in 2008/2009, they would up getting into a huge fight and Mickey would wind up getting kicked out (quite literally) and my dad would spend the rest of the day cursing him under his breath. Yet Mickey still came around and they would act friendly towards each other for a little while (a few minutes, a couple hours... Once they went for eight straight hours), but we all knew that once Mickey arrived a fight was on the horizon.
 I actually like Mickey. He is also a drunk and usually is stoned and has a huge temper, but he’s fun to be around when he is calm. My dad calls him a hippie (he is), among other names...
 You can always tell when my dad is ANGRY. I’d be in my room writing or watching tv when suddenly Hell’s Bells by AC/DC starts up blaring. He turns it up ALL THE WAY. My room was on the opposite end of the house, and each chime of the Bell would rattle my windows. Then the guitars came and everything would shake. Once the drums started, there was no escape. I once walked two blocks away and STILL heard it over my MP3 Player. No one ever calls the cops for some reason.
 When I told my mom this today, she nodded and said, “He hasn’t changed a bit.”
 Not sure why Hell’s Bells is his angry music. Whatever the reason, I canNOT hear that song anymore. Some of the worst fits came during or after that song was played, and I recently put Windows Media Player on shuffle and that song (which I THOUGHT I had gotten rid of!) Came on and I had a panick attack. The other AC/DC songs are fine (they don’t cause anxiety). I have the Back in Black album, and it just happens to be Track 1. My copy has Shoot to Thrill (Track 2) as Track 1 (if you know what I mean...).
 He seems to want me to think my stepfather is evil or something. For months, he and Peggy (my stepmom) kept telling me that Wayne had been stealing from me and that that side of the family was under investigation. All of this was, of course, a lie. There was one time that my dad faked a call to Wayne and pretended to be yelling at him and telling him off. I knew he really wasn’t, because Wayne has one of those powerful voices that really carries when he’s whispering. His yell could scare a lion. So when my dad was yelling and pretending to be yelling at Wayne, and with me sitting right there, you’d think I would have heard Wayne shout back, right? Well, I didn’t. Months later I asked Wayne about it, and I could tell by the confused look on his face that I was correct in thinking my dad had faked the calls.
 My dad’s anger all points to the fact that I lived behind my family’s house in a shed when I lived there, before I moved in with my dad. However, and I’ll say this until the controversy stops, I CHOSE TO LIVE THERE! (Yet that is a later Entry and will be discussed when that one is posted)
 [If you ever hear me say “my parents”, I’m talking about my mom and stepfather. I have no memory of my dad acting like a parent. In fact, there were a few times while living with him I almost called him Michael without realizing it. I know if had I would have been backhanded (trust me...)]
 When I first moved out of my dad’s house (thrown out... whichever you prefer), it took my aunt and I four loads to get the smell of cigarette smoke out of my clothes. When I would o to church, everyone would think I was some sort of pothead or something. I have never smoke anything in my life, nor have I consumed alcohol (deliberately...Peggy tricked me New Years Eve in 2008 into drinking red wine... that was SO disgusting!).
 This is just a random memory; when I was little, I can home from church and said, “Did you know that Peter is in Heaven?” He isn’t what you’d call “religious”, so that may have something to do with the fact that he backhanded me and sent me to my room... Never understood what THAT was about, nor do I care to find out. Just another typical “dad moment”.
 While I lived with him, he liked to talk about the past... Or, well...
 He seems to have come from a different dimension, because his version of the past is WAY too variant in detail from other version I have heard.
 He claims he and my mom met at Abilene State Park and he proposed there.
 She says that didn’t happen.
 He claims he proposed at a statue at the park.
 I went camping there with some friends in 2008 and just wanted to visit the place and get a picture of it.
 They had no record of having a statue. Now or ever.
 He claims we lived in Alaska for a few months when I was little.
 We did not.
 He blames the fact that “we are the way we are” (he and Mom separated and living poorly [well, HE is]) on the fact that he didn’t get into the military when he was younger. He claims he didn’t get in because he had cancer, and then it went away. By the time it was gone it was “too late” to join.
 There is no age limit (that I know of) for joining the military.
 He blames all of his addictions (alcohol, cigarettes, pot) on my mom, and claims that she is the one who got him started on all of it.
 Again, a lie.
 He pretty much just blames everyone for everything.
 My dad claims that is “reason to live” are my nieces. I’ve already discussed them in the previous Entry about him. If he loves them so much, he has a most bizarre method of love. Pushing them around, yelling at them for no reason at all, taking their things away from them. I gave Satghn a Bratz doll (her favourite franchise, next to Tinkerbell and Hannah Montana). He thought it looked ugly with it’s large head, so he burned the eyes with his cigarette and then burned the rest of it on the grill. Satghn was so upset that I had trouble stopping myself from slugging him. There were only two times I almost hit him. That was one.
 The other time was a month earlier. I was in the diningroom area and was sitting on a lone chair against the counter reading and Satghn was sitting on the floor beside the tv colouring something. Dad walked in and told her to clean her mess up. When she told him that she was using all of it, he walked over to her and picked her up and set her aside and preceded to pick the stuff up himself. She started crying and, in his anger, turned and shoved her, hard, against the wall. She fell to the ground and didn’t move for a few seconds (my heart ceased because I thought he had killed her) and then she started to scream loudly, her face red and wet of tears. I got up and (seriously intending to tackle him into the door), ran to my niece and held her.
 My dad called me a fagot and left the room.

 I cannot stress this enough: One way or other, I am getting Satghn out of there!
 Up until I moved in with my dad on September 28, 2008, I didn’t even know I had a niece, much a three. I wasn’t even aware that KC, my sister, existed. I’ve only known of Satghn for a little over a year, and only lived with her for the first six months of that, and I have SO many memories of her being hurt (mostly emotionally) that it seriously haunts me to know that she is still there. My other two (and older) nieces, Haili (12) and Destiny (16) are already going down the wrong path and, in fact, help the adults torment Satghn. When I see my dad and his friends torture her (mainly verbally), I see myself when I was younger. She is going through the exact same thing I went through, and by the exact same people. She is older than I was at the time, so she is likely to remember more when she is my age.
 She just turned 9 on Monday, November 9, 2009. I had a DARS (they help you get into college) meeting to go to that day, and it’s very hard to get a meeting with them...
 ...I ditched it to go be with my niece on her birthday. As the bus don’t go all the way out there, I walked the ten miles to get to my dad’s house. The girls were at school (as I knew they would be; I wanted to surprise Satghn when she got home. We hadn’t/haven’t seen each other since July).
 When I got there, my dad, KC, and Peggy told me to get lost.
 From what I heard from my grandpa (my dad’s stepfather), They told Satghn that I didn’t show up or even call. They told her I “obviously don’t care” about her, and grandpa said that she was crushed and cried most of the day...
 ...and I cried the rest of the week having to visualize that.
 That time that I went camping with friends (mentioned above) was three weeks after I moved in. In that three weeks, our bond was already sealed. The second morning of the camping trip, I called home to see how everyone was doing, and my dad told me that Satghn missed me so much that she asked to sleep in my bed that night and cried all night...
 ...That gets me. Every time. Even now, more than a year and a half later.
 We’d only known each other three weeks at the time...
 ...THAT tells you how much we mean to each other, so just think about now...

My Aunt Martha

Eh... Noone noticed I was gone (obviously), but I just thought I should let everyone (or the three people who will/might read this) know that I am back on this site for the most part...

Friday night, my sister and bestfriend, Phoenix (TigerBella on here) had a miscarriage. I will never see my niece/nephew. It has bee na HARD weekend for both of us. An interesting sting on my facebook Wall came out of this:

Brian Michael McDowell No one call or txt me at all today, please. Death in the family last night (unborn neice/nephew).

Allie ******

i'm really sorry......

Yesterday at 10:19am � Delete

 

Phoenix *****

thank you for so much Brian...I love you!! And I know God is taking care of my little one up there....And i will be able to meet them someday I hope...

Yesterday at 11:31am � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

Yes, He has your kid and is taking good care of them. I love you, lil sis! *holds* You are amazing, and I know you can (and will) make it through this!

Yesterday at 11:35am � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

(thank you, Allie!)

Yesterday at 11:37am � Delete

 

Phoenix *******

I hope so..I really do...I just dont see how I am going to right now..but as long as my baby is God's hands I will be ok....

Yesterday at 11:46am � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

It is still fresh, so you are in alot of pain right now. I was talking to someone this morning who has had several miscarriages, and she pretty much said each one leave emotional scars, even years later. You never get over something like the death of a child, especially when it is during your first pregnancy. You have us (your bestfriends and family) to fall back on when you have breakdowns. You know that you can always call me no matter what I am doing (you are my one exception to my status).

Yesterday at 11:55am � Delete

 

Phoenix *******

thanks brian I love you...

Yesterday at 12:30pm � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

anytime. i love you, precious!

Yesterday at 12:31pm � Delete

 

Allie ******

(you're welcome)

Yesterday at 12:49pm � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

(=]])

Yesterday at 12:51pm � Delete

 

Now for the interesting part... Some of my friends became angry with me for being upset about the death of unborn family members. Someone said we were "overreacting". The following took place on the same comment string

 

 

Nicole *****

next time you txt at 3:30am think before you do it....i didnt answer your txt 2 hours before that so what made you think ralph would have answered the txt you sent him at 3:30??

Yesterday at 3:59pm � Delete

 

Jennifer ******

Brian, DO NOT TEXT JUSTIN AGAIN, I MEAN IT!!!!!

Yesterday at 5:11pm � Delete

 

Phoenix ******

wtf is ya'll problem!!

Yesterday at 6:58pm � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

They are mad because I txtd them at 3:30am to ask them to pray for you. I can fwd you their txts if you want.

Yesterday at 7:00pm � Delete

 

Phoenix ******

Wow....I dont even know what to say to that other than your friends are horrible....I think even less of her than i already did and i didnt know that was possible

Yesterday at 7:21pm � Delete

 

Nicole *****

blah blah blah...thats all i see. people actually do have lifes and dont want to be texted at 3:30 in the damn morning especially when their husband just got out of the damn hospital

Yesterday at 8:25pm � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

What if you were in my position, and your neice/nephew died in the middle of the night?!

Yesterday at 8:32pm � Delete

 

Phoenix *****

Exactly and i dont think anyone wants to wake up to a phone call saying their husband was shot and killed defending people like you!! So you can kiss my ass bcuz thats what i deal with everyday!! U think u got it bad? Walk a mile in my shoes and see if you survive!!!

Yesterday at 9:49pm � Delete

 

Nicole *****

i dont need anyone to defend me cause im not a whiny little weak bitch

Yesterday at 9:51pm � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

HER HUSTBAND IS CURRENTLY FIGHTING OVER IN IRAQ! I MAY NOT LIKE HIM ALL THAT MUCH FOR ALL THE STUFF HE HAS PUT HER THROUGH, BUT AT LEAST PAY HIM THE RESPECT HE DESERVES!

10 hours ago � Delete

 

Michele ******

Wow i really dont know u but i am sorry for your loss. you have some weak and heartless friends. If one of my friends was sufffering through something i wouldnt care what time they sent a text to ask for prayers or for anything. I will pray for you and your family because it is the CHRISTIAN thing to do.

8 hours ago � Delete

 

Brian Michael McDowell

Thank you. I had figured that they would all be supportive, but so far, pretty much the only supportive people have been people I never talk to (you and Allie).

8 hours ago � Delete

 

Phoenix *****

Thank you for your support and prayers. I appreciate that and so does my little one.

5 hours ago � Delete

 

 

 

 

 

Phoenix, it really pains me more than the english language will allow me to expressed that this has happened. I know I don't have to say this (again), but your pain is my pain, and I (along with a certain other four people) will stay by your side no matter what. You will NOT go through this alone! We won't allow that. I love you SO much, lil sis!!!

Your big brother,

Brian (A. K. A. MarfaFilms)

Yesterday at 9:03am via Facebook Text Message � Comment . Like

 

[note : in 2007, a friend told me that she wanted to kill herself, and that she had told one of her "bestfriends", who had given her a peice of glass in which to do it which. That night, I wrote this. It was written from her point of view. When I showed it to her, she cried and said that it was exactly how she was feeling.]

Glass
By Oral Aura

V1
I can’t take this anymore
Wish I was on a peaceful shore
Instead I stared at my skin as it tore
Watched the blood as it pored
All out over everything
Wrong with me
She gave me the glass
So I’m gonna use it
Gonna use it

C
My life is shattered
Heart is shattered
Like a piece of glass
That I use to make my pain go away.
I just want this to end
I just want this to end

V2
I know that nobody
Ever cared for me
They were all faking
Or at least were making
Excuses for leaving me
How do you think it feels.
To not be able to tell your friends that you love them
Considering they give you broken glass
Knowing what you’ll do with it
It hurts so bad
Hurts so bad

C
My life is shattered
Heart is shattered
Like a piece of glass
That I use to make my pain go away.
I just want this to end
I just want this to end

How do you think it feels.
To not be able to tell your friends that you love them
Considering they give you broken glass
Knowing what you’ll do with it
It hurts so bad
Hurts so bad

How do you think it feels.
To not be able to tell your friends that you love them
Considering they give you broken glass
Knowing what you’ll do with it
It hurts so bad
Hurts so bad

C
My life is shattered
Heart is shattered
Like a piece of glass
That I use to make my pain go away.
I just want this to end
I just want this to end

[END]

[I wrote this one day after spendingthe whole day looking through my high school yearbooks. As you may have guessed, it's about my high school...My high school colours were purple and gold (Merkel High School]

Thus Forth (No More)
by Brian McDowell

Verse One
No more
Sprinted run of the hall
No more
Dreams of tomorrow at the mall
No more
Seeing the hands slow down a bunch
No more
Cherry Coke with her at lunch

Chorus
Thus forth I see the time go by
What ever to say I wish I had
To speak what’s to be please do not
Doing wrong to me to get me mad

Verse Two
No more
Phone calls under cover
No more
Hiding music from them
No more
Friends of the Book People
No more
Lovely mystery food

Chorus
Thus forth I see the time go by
What ever to say I wish I had
To speak what’s to be please do not
Doing wrong to me to get me mad

Bridge
Waiting is over, though I wish it weren’t
I loved it then, and I miss those days
Those lives I saw, but none knew me
I know it was, the best time of my life

Chorus
Thus forth I see the time go by
What ever to say I wish I had
To speak what’s to be please do not
Doing wrong to me to get me mad

be still, and watch the flowers sway
by brian mcdowell

be still, and watch the flowers sway
seeing the wind as it sweeps the clouds away
don’t think for a moment you’re not seeing this
staring at the flowers as they come in for a kiss

beginning this moment, see what you can see
know that it is not for nothing and think of me
we walk together through the rain soaked field
gathering memories while our hands they are sealed

we laugh at the past, knowing it is behind us
nothing can change it, now that we are contiguous
the ominous storms having ended, we rejoice
as the moment continues, we are glad of our choice

out here, we worry not about any paper business
instead, we look forward to all of the muteness
we know this moment will far outlast today
so be still, and watch the flowers sway

[just thought everyone could use a laugh]

Vincent Van Gogh's girlfriend took the box from the man with a large bandage on his ear. Unwrapping it, she wondered if finally her dream of true love from this wild, crazy, artist had finally come to fruition. She lifted the lid, and there, sitting gently on a ball of white cotton, was the ear which Van Gogh had cut off himself to prove his love to this woman.

Her heart melted, and she looked into his eyes, and said, "Oh, Vincent, I love you!"

And he responded, "What?! What? I can't hear you. What?"

I accidentally let slip to a couple people that I login to star's account to do friend requests and change the photo from time to time as she can't do it herself. I ONLY login to accept friend requests and to change the picture!!!!! However, that hasn't stopped a few people (most of which are outside of this site) have came forward to slam me for being "controlling".

"how dare you parade around like you are out to help everyone. you are no better than a stalker. shame on you."

"if i hda a boyfriend as controling as u then id show him the door and slam it on his fat ass as he left!"

Those were copied and pasted from my AOL inbox, and didn't come from anyone on this site. Some people, however, HAVE came forward and criticized me (won't be naming any names...), and I just want to tell everyone, if anyone has a problem with Star and I and the way we do things, don't run off spread it. Take it up with us. US!

WE ARE TIRED OF EVERYONE AROUND US (OUR "FRIENDS") CRITICIZING EVERY MOVE WE MAKE, AND WE WILL NOT BE MOVED BY ANYONE!

This was addressed to the negative-minded people running around. If you arn't one, thank you.

I love you all!!!! (even the negative-minded people...)

..............what's going to happen to this site once the Portrait's done?

Part 1

[The following is, in my opinion, the greatest 9/11 song ever written. Please note, I did not write this. All I did nwas copy and paste from letssingit.com]

Believe by Yellowcard

Normal 0

I cant believe it! You were so young! I barely knew you, and Im completely numb. I cant even begin to imagine what youre close friends and family are feeling. I still remember the few times we spoke. I wont soon forget them. You were always a shining light in this dark world. I only wish to someday be like you. You are so beautiful!

While Greg was reading the eulogy, I realized I was closer to you than I thought. He mentioned that you used to ride around town in your GoCart. Afterward, while I was signing the guestbook. I was looking at the pictures they had sitting on the table and around. One in particular caught my eye; a girl in a GoCart. The girl, of course, was you. As soon as I saw the picture, I had to struggle to avoid breaking down, again. You and I used to race, you in your GoCart, and I on my bike. We did it all the time.I will forever miss those days.

       Sierra Elizabeth Brandt

November 17, 1993 - May 29, 2009

THIS IS NOT ABOUT JENNIFER!

I had a friend name Sierra Brandt. She was 14 when she recieved cancer of the knee.  They thought they removed all of it, but it came back, and they had to remove the leg. The cancer was gone for three months. Untill two weeks ago. It came back full force, and I got a txt this morning; "Sierra passed away last night".

Normally, I would tell the full story, but I am too upset right now, my vision is fogged by the tears, so i looked it up online...

http://bigcountryhomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=141442

I love you, Sierra!

The reason I joined was because I found this site by mistake. i was looking through entries, until i came across my best-friend. If you have seen my profile, you know this. I joined the site because I needed to support her. I haven't wanted to put her name on this site because I felt i needed to protect her, and I didn't feel that posting her name on this site would help.

Then i thought about it; this is the one site that I SHOULD post her name. She has been telling me that she wanted me to put her name, but i have been against it.

Currently, Jennifer is in the other room, playing the Wii. We like to play Mario Kart. Wii Sports is another one we love to play, even tyhough in real life we can't stand sports.

We are getting ready to watch The Uninvited, which came in NetFlix today. She called me this morning to tell me she wanted me to watch it with her. I am here almost everyday anyway. Today is my 21st birthday, so they had a cookout, her husband, John, working his "magic" at the grill (I put "quotes" around magic because, believe it or not, he just now burned his face... again. Jen is looking for the burn ointment.)

okay, now she is getting mad at him because he is refusing the ointment, and is, instead, trying to dip his arm in the pool to help the burn. they are both nurses, so i don't see why he did that. i even know that will make it worse...

Okay, we're about to start the movie.

Hey there, Beautiful, why so sad?
The day is old, the fun we’ve had.
When morning comes, see you I will,
Sad you were, and so you are still.

Why am I sad? It’s you I’m missing,
Tell me what’s wrong, I promise I’ll listen.
You speak, I cry, but don’t stop,
You are worth the pain I pick up.

Hold On, and don’t let go,
My love is true, as I try and show.
Reading each other’s minds we share,
The secrets that time can’t seem to tear.

I know that you are haunted,
By a past that you never wanted.
I wish I could change what happened,
So that you didn’t feel so abandoned.

So let me in, don’t be frightened,
I’ll understand if you’re senses are heightened.
I want to share with you in your pain,
it’s too late for me to restrain.

(I wrote this for my friend)

The Shadow
by Brian McDowell

She playing by herself, little girl so young,
Not thinking of the shadow, the troubles yet begun,
Still she sits there, her mind full of innocence,
Nowhere is her parents, to see his none-innocent kiss,

She begs for the shadow to let her go, her soul he will steal
The silence from her mouth will never heal,
Can’t this pass, anything but this,
It’s been an hour, still she cries.

The weeping souls watch in dread,
As her life gets ripped to shreds,
She watches as the shadow leaves,
While she struggles back in her sleeves.

I see her now, see all of the sorrow,
And want to comfort her, today and tomorrow,
Years go by, yet the memory never dies,
It’s been thirty years, still she cries.
 

She is opening up more to me as time goes on, and I hope to soon have her write her story o n here. I will never force her to tell it, it will be her decision. I don't feel comfortable enough to say her name on here yet, even though she gave me permission.

I came across this site after Googling my friend's name, just messing around. I saw her name on this site and it brought me to tears. I am here to support her.