been sooo long since ive wrote. so much happened in that time. i believe ive almost fully recovered from my past. my daughter is now 3 weeks shy of turning 4 years old. i also got married 2 weeks ago and went on a nice long vacation. been actively working for the past four months. i know its hard but i honestly let go of my past and can think about it n not cry anymore!! i thank god everyday for the strength he has given me. thank u for listening..

wow its been forever!! well thought id come on and give this a real chance. alot has happened since i left this site. i never took the meds i was supposed to take. im actually doing great surprisingly. im healing on my own. unfortunately my relationship fell apart but its repairing itself little by little. ive changed alot and im very happy bout that =). im not dependent on anyone to help me anymore. ive gotten throu a huge bump in the road and i feel accomplished and amazing. yea theres still a hole in my chest from my past but i honestly think its getting filled back in. i no longer give this man power over my life nor the power to make me miserable. i do not dwell on the past at all, its all behind me. i also thank god for the amazing strength that i have recieved. my daughter is very well. shes on vacation in dominican republic with family. very well loved and missed. i can say i will definitely be the mother she deserves and needs. my hubby is great. we work on our problems everyday and we are mending the broken pieces.. all will be fine from now on im sure of it.. thank you for listening, and thank you for the support you have ever given me.

                                                               till next time Nani aka KayCee( new name i go by.)

 havent been on this site in a while. have been feeling lost and confused, seems when i feel like im getting better i just start all over again. lots of things have happened in the past few weeks that im not comfortable with saying but its pretty horrific, maybe not for anyone else but definitely for me. im bieng pushed to start my medications which is something i really dont wanna do. its been a few months since i found out i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder post tramatic stress disorder and disassociation. i been trying to learn how to deal with all this and my past with out meds but i dont know if i can any more. i recently became addicted to alcohol and drugs but i realize that i have much more important things than to constantly run away from everything by getting high and drunk. its day 3 off off drugs and alcohol and it drives me nuts to have to face all of this sober. but my daughter deserves a mother not a rehab bound women. so with all this happening including the recent issues, i believe i am going to lose my mind soon. ive been having grown up tantrums> screaming crying throwing things braking stuff , cursing unbelievably and havent been talking communicating with my hubby. i feel like a zombie lately. thought i would get better but it seems like its only gonna continue to get worse. really need some help right now.

his eyes, his yells, his fist, and my swells.

my cries and my screams, he laughs and kicks me.

i live in fear hoping and praying, never to feel this way again.

i thought i had won but now i see, it was only a start to the pain i feel.

when will it end i  beg, i dont want to feel this pain anymore..

be patient i am told, your time will soon come.

i hope for my sake that you are right.

i can no longer hold this fight.

my heart has become,

very very weak.

 so upset.. so my doctor thinks i need pills to sleep more, ansd pills to calm my nerves and panic attacks. he thinks i need anger managment, therapy. he suggest group and independent sessions. he says im depressed, poor nutritioned, sleep deprived, and a shit load of other crap!! so i have chronic anxiety,(frequent panic attacks) and i onli sleep bout 4 to 6 hours a night i no i dont eat ok once a day on a good day.(went a months on just drinking liquids barely eating) i cry everyday sometimes a few times a day. i have a hell of a temper yea i no. im a nervous and jumpy wreck, have horrific night mares and so on. alot of stuff to say....

does this all mean i honestly have to take multiple meds to feel the slightest bit of normal. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!!! cant a damn doctor understand that. im a frecking rape victom im sure its all normal. dont i just fall right in line.why of all the days i happen to have a crash on the day im going to the doctor.. this is so wrong. feeling this way shouldnt be a normal thing for me. god i wanna be really ok. like people who have never been hurt. i want my joy and my spirit again to glow. i hate bieng like this..

 took you by surprise when i walked through the door.(i had keys).i was there to tell you that i didnt want you and i was throu with all the abuse. you seemed to be high. you came closer and i stood still with out an ounce of fear. you said it would never be over , that you owned me. you became angry grabbed me by my hair and pulled it back and said women when i say ill love you to death i mean it. go ahead and threaten me i dont care its all the same i told you. you pushed me to the floor. i got up. i said your a worthless  piece of trash that id spit on. you smacked me, i got upset. i smacked you back. we began to fight.you had me for a while smacking me in my face, to throwing me into the walls. finally you pushed me on the bed and began to take my clothes off. i refused to be taken again. smacking you in the face and doing as muchas i could, even trying to rip your lips and ears off. nothing. yea so you got me again you fucker. but it wasnt the end for me. your shower was your weakness. i saw the metal bat you hit me with. i waited by your door for you to walk in. you came in and noticed i wasnt where you left me by the time you turned around i had already swung the bat. catching you in your face right by your temple. i could have killed you. when you hit the floor you seemed weak. you were curled on your side. i kicked you in your face twice(really hurt my feet.). you were on your back i sat on you and started punching you in the face, each hit got harder and harder. i felt unstoppable. hitting and hitting till you were in blood. you were awake but didnt move. it felt amazing. i went to the kitchen and got a knife came and put it to your throat. wanted to slice you wide open but couldnt. i ddint want to go to jail. i was pregnant and didnt want to spend my days behind bars without my baby. i dont know how i did it but i did. i put my self at huge risk but i knew i would get mine. didnt think i would get rapped. dont know how my baby survived but she did.she a lil fighter too. my husband doesnt know bout this,i never told him. im pretty sure hell kill me lol. i was with him at the time and was two and a half mmonths pregnant from him. after this i went immediately to the hospital and told the doctor who attended me what happened and that i had a severe pain around my uterus. he seemed worried and continued to ask me bout the pain. after a sonogram he saw the baby was perfect and described the pain to be stretching of the uterus cuz the baby was growing and needed more room. i was releaved. no damage exept a red face from bieng smacked alot. that was the last day of my sexual and physical abuse but not for the emotional.

bieng raped molested or beaten was almost a daily thing for me but this was a scar on my heart.

            complete fear filled my heart when i saw those two lines on the test. yep i was pregnant all right. cant go wrong when you take six test and thier all positive. had no idea what to do. talked to my friend who promised not to tell. she did the worst. told him!!( my abuser)

      three days later i was in a train station going home. late at night. he had walked me to the train i didnt want him to drive me. he began to talk bout the baby and he seemed very angry. he began to beat me so violently. i was scared for my life. viscous blows and kicks straight to my stomach i got once i hit the floor. i couldnt figure out why he would hurt me and his own child that would never survive. after several hits he then pushed me down the concrete stairs. only one person tried to help  out of 6 people i could see and prove to be helpless. i felt warm around my bottom and felt to see what it was and it was blood all over my hands. he stopped hitting me and dropped to the floor next to me. he began crying and started to apologize.  seeing my blood he picked me up and took me a few blocks from there. to a hospital all white and i could hear a strange beeping and hear blurred voices. a bunch of people in blue and white, looked like doctors. when i could hear i heard a man yelling that my husband was with me and said i was three monthspregnant. all yelling to get me into a bed. a cold bed and a loud beeping again was what i heard and then more yelling. "shes slipping!!"  more doctors came all dressed the same. vision got blurry and sound got muffled. couldnt hold it ithink i was dying.

                          i heard a distant voice" baby wake up please come on you can do it and it was him starring me in my face. he looked so hurt.

doctor came to me and said they were sorry but the baby didnt make it. they said they almost lost me i dont remember why, all got foggy after the news. i dont know how i was treated but they thought i was 23 ( i was only 16) and married. my bill was paid and i was free to go after the police ask me some questions. they asked my name  age adress and the usual then asked about the bruising on my chest and stomach i lied and said i didnt remeber. "one last question maam are you sure theres nothing you wish to tell?". i teared a bit and said no thats all. why didnt i tell?he grabbed my hand a slipped a card in my hand andsaid use it anythime. it had his name and number on it. my abuser saw it and threw it away.

    he later told me that he told them he found me in my car like that and took me to the hospital

        i was in his house we werent alone. he had his best friend over. we got in to an arguement over him asking me to bring my little sister over to have se with her. completely disgusted i refused she was only 11 for gods sake. he said " either you do it or ill find her my self and make you watch, itll be a horror fest you wont for get. unless you wanna see her blood and guts everywhere i suggest you do it". furious i smacked him and screamed at him and said " IF YOU EVER TOUCH OR I FIND OUT YOU CAME CLOSE TO MY SISTER ILL FIND YOU AND TAKE YOU APART PIECE BY PIECE BUT LEAVE ALL YOUR VITAL PARTS SO YOU CAN LIVE FOR ME TO BURN YOU LITTLE BY LITTLE AND ILL RECORD IT AND SEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY AND ILL GO TO JAIL HAPPY".( these are words ill never forget).I  was so mad i went to leave and thats when i was struck with a heavy object in the head.( found out laterit was a metal  bat) i saw my own bloodon the floor. i woke upin a hospital to hear him claiming me as his sister and say he had no idea what happened. the doctor told me i had 5 stitches and said i could go home soi did in a taxi. 

                 that is one day i laugh about. not about my sister or me but about the way i had the guts to say and do those things. the outcome was painful but completely worth it...

 i remember all but it hurts so much to remember this event so ill try best i can

             nervous i stood in his room while him and his 6 friends talked drug bussiness and so on. i didnt know why but you called me in to the living room( why was i even there). i remember one of your friends touched my breast and i smacked him and you punched me in the stomach(i understood now). i fell to the ground. they all began to touch me and undress me, i began to fight, it would have been better to stay calm but i was a fighter always was and am more now then ever. no luck. you let them rape me for over 2 hours, in hell in pain, complete agony. for over two hours straight they raped beat and sexually tortured me!!! the one person who you called yours. and you allowed it. that was the one time that i wanted you to be there for me. as the last guy used me for the third time i looked at you and you looked directly at me and starred. i prayed that you could see the pain in my eyes and thats when you took the guy off me and said i need to finish her. you climbed on top of me and i felt what i was used to that is until you came inside of me. then you yelled for everyone to leave..

                       i wish this was one of the memories i didnt remember but no i remember everything. theres more to this story but its painful to remember all the etails, ill get into it more another day

 3 hours i was gone.

     i fought with my grandpa for him to let me come see you. in fear that you would kill me if i did not. you waited for me in the car outside. the fear i felt when i got in the car and buckled my seat belt. you began to drive. i have no idea where we were buti knew it was a hotel. you said we were gonna talk. the desk clerk starred at me. im sure he saw the pain in myeyes. you opened the door and we walked in. the only talk i remembered was cursing and screaming. now thinking back it was my own screams i heard. again another day bieng raped. why i dont know. i cant understand why noone cared to intervine. i layed there bare and in such filth. blood all over the bed from the pain and abuse i had just suffered.it can be seen as soaked. you showered. it was never fair you used me as your cheap whore. you came to me and handed me a towel. i refused to bath in a dirty hotel bath. so for that you felt i deserved what you did next. you grabbed my hair and dragged meto the bath and threw me in. i hit my head which made me dizzy. you picked me up by my throat and choked me till it turned black. hard smack is what i woke up to and yelling to get dressed. i was clean but still aching and i put my clothes on. the drive home felt fast, i was in a daze before i got out the car you handed me a box with a boe. i went inside and all my fam asked is what i did and where i went. i made up some story and went to my room

          why didnt i say something why didnt i tell? i guess my sister meant more to me than i thought, cause in the back of my mind his words of hurting her if i told would linger like a plague. i opened the present, the letters that spelled out nani was written on an xoxo chain gorgeous but to me worthless. i needed to rest the next day was the christmas eve event but couldnt sleep much only nightmares.....

 gold white gold and silver, all pretty expensive even gorgeous but thats not what i needed.

             presents, thats all i ever got, but thats not what i want.you thought that by you  buying me a 1500 dollar bracelet or a 3000 dollar ring would make up for all that youve done? nothing will!!!

        im not going to forget just because you put diamonds or gold in my face. all  i ever wanted was for some one to love me.

but what you gave me was the complete opposite, only disrespect  hate and disgust ,

   UNDERSTAND THIS:::: my heart mind and soul can NEVER be bought.

                               and:::: my body NO LONGER belongs to you.

 all i could think about was the filth that covered my body. ripped myclothes off and jumped in the shower that was ready to boil. hoping i could melt the outer layer of skin off. i scrubbed away as much as i could. in my eyes i was never clean enough. i felt disgusting and impure. my virginity had been stolen along with my innocence. his smell stuck to my skin which was some thing i did notlike. i kept scrubbing in hope that i would feel clean again.

nice summer day. had to go to summer school for failing math (my weakness). i was so scared. i had a horrible gut feeling that day that something was wrong. i remember saying good bye to my grandma(she was my guardian) and thinking is this the last time i see her. i walked out the house and started to pray that something happened so i didnt have to go to the school. i began going down the stairs and next thing i no im at the bottom of the steps. god definitly answered my prayers lol. i had a sprained ankle and didnt have to go to school for a while. it was painful but i was happy.

 i really have to saythat yes im new onthis site ive only been here for three days and youve all shown me so much compassion and understanding, ive never had anyone to listento me.and the factthat you all will hear me is such a blessing for me. i didnt think that this site would help mebut now i really think that i will definitly make progress. i really want to thank any one who has read and comented on my entries, its hard to get them out but im happy im sharing them with you. and thank you for the coments onmy daughter, her name is emily btw. she really is my heart and soul.  

                                                                                                  thnak you, NaNi

last night turned out to be a not so good thing. i was an emotional wreck all day and when my husband got home of coarse he did notice but i didnt wanna tell him wat was wrong. i took a bath and started pouring out tears, ithought he wouldnt hear me but iwas wrong. he came in and ask what was wrong and i just brushed him away he put his hand on my head and began caressing my head and my neckand back. ifelt so lost. couldnt speak or move all i did was cry... after the bath my husband was laying in our bed watching a movie and i layed in his lap. he moved the hair from my face and whipped my tears. i felt safe but still wouldnt speak, i couldnt respond to anything i could hear his. voice but im sure i was lost. after a while i was laying on my sofa still in a daze and i wanted to  talk tohim but he didnt want to talk he said he was tired. i was upset and frustrated and i guess he notice he changed his clothes and moved our daughter from our bed to her room and just when thought he wasnt coming bback he did. he sat next to me and toldme tosay wat was on my mind.  i broke down i tears. crying hysterycally endlessly. and he cradled me. and finally listened to all that i had to say. i didnt share everything but i shared as muchas icould, i began to feel weak and faint so i decided to stop. but couldnt stop crying. so he layedon the sofa and cuddled with me for about an hour. then he took me to our room and and put me in the bed whipped my tears again and heldme in his arms cuddled me closely and snug and i fell asleep in his arms. my first night in a long time that i slept with no nightmares ,disturbances not a single problem. i was in the arms of an angel.. i love this man with everything i have. he has never hurt me and im sure never will...

                      my fav song "in the arms of an angel

 i am washing his dishes. he calls out to me"are you done in there?" upset that i was doing his dishes after him n 6 of his friend dirtied them i yelled back "almost". i guess he didnt hear me because he repeated the question. and again i answered him but in a more attitudish way. "i said im almost done!!" (i should have never done that). he came storming in the kitchen and knocked me to the ground. when i looked up all i saw was the barell of a gunin my face. and all i did was say my last prayer and he pulled the trigger. i thought i was dead until iheard him say "damn it i forgot to load it again.. and i passed out..

 i was four years old and just started kindergarden. i was sexually molested but never raped by four young boys in my school.they were in the third grade exept forone he was a fifth grader put in special ed because he was left bak twice. his name was nico. the other kids didnt do much but follow wat he said. it wasntmuch done to me but when they did touch me it was very scary for me. when itold my father he went up to my school but they denied that the boy was ever anywhere near me. and denied everything to the cops. i cant understandwhy noone would help me.. but i love my dad for trying so hard even though no one believed us he always did. he taught me how to fight the best he could and that surely worked to my advantage. after he graduated from the 6th grade which was 3 years later i neverhad a problem....exept for the memories.

 such a warm and beautiful day. relaxing here on my sofa with my laptop on my lap.enjoying a hobby(writing), while my daughter watches dora  the explorer and eats gerber cookies and drinks juice. its truly AMAZING the days that i can just sit back and relax and not worry.i day bream alot about wat my life would be like if i didnt have to worry. today is perfect for a walk by a lake. or relaxation on the warm beach sand.. as i sit and watch the leaves on the trees sway from the wind cant help but wonder what the wind would feel like blowing throu my hair.... its truly a n amazing and great day

 i really dont think i should be doing this i dont know if its really helping. yestrday i faught so hard with my self to remember as much as i could to write that story. last night when my husband came home i would even kiss him hello. i felt afraid as if he had done something to me. i felt nauseas upset and down right wrong.i barely slept much. layed in bed at 11 and finally slept at 2 then had horrific nightmares, it was like reliving it all. it was sooo terrible. and when the dream became to much i woke up in a panic which forced a panic atttack so bad my husband wanted to call an ambulance. but i refused, that man has leftso much damage onme i dont think he realizes... hes a terrible man.. and i hate him i wish he never came into my life.. if god knows everything that happens why did he allow this man to do this to me.. didhe want me to feel this much pain. i cry so hard all the time. i dont want to anymore. sometimes i just canthold on, im on the edge of existence.,

 i have no  idea what to share. just feel like if i do maybe some pain will go away..beautiful day out amazing august sun.. im wearing a white blouse with black capris and white sandals..my hair is flat ironed and my face was glowing.. it was one of those day that i felt happy. i was a bit afraid because i had to walk past that one mans apartment lets just call him joe. he lived in a project like building and where i was going was just 2 floors up. seeing those numbers 106 remains in my head as i walked passed his apt, assuring my self he wasnt home. quickly with no time to react i was pulled by my hair and into the apt. once inside all i could think of was please god dont let this man kill me ashe wrapped his hands around my throat and held me about a foot off thr ground. where do you thinkyou are going? he asked me. but of coarse i couldnt speak. struggling to breath as his grip grew tighter all i could see was darkness begin to surround me.just beforei past out he dropped me to the ground. i could hear him yelling,but could understand wat he was saying. next i was bieng draggedto the bathroom andi was in the tub,he turned on the water then put soapinmy face and beganto wash it. he kept telling me i was no longer allowed to wear make up and that i look like a slut. he asked me who was i going to fuck? i told himno one. but he thought iwas lying. still in the bath now filled with water he bagan pushing me under i thought i was going to die. he kept repeating the same question and idecided to tell him the truth not aware of wat would happen. he pulled meup and took my clothes off. gave me a towel and told me to dry myself off. i then came out and went to him in his room.. he then asked me again, who are you going to f*ck? i told him that my best friend had invited me to his house for dinner with his family.. he seemed angry with me.his eyes which gave me so much fear nolonger looked at me.. i didnt no wat he was thinking but i knew it wasnt good. when  he eventualyy looked at me again heseemed as if he was in disbelief.. he stood up and started to walk closer to me, he wentpast me and to his dresser. when he turned aroung he had a pair of hand cuff. it was then that i knew wathe had in mind. he toldme tocome closer but i was afraid and said no. he came at me quickly and i began to run away. when he caught me i was in the kitchen by the door i tried to open it but he slammed it be fore i could openit enough.he then drageed me bak to the room while i was screaming. he then banged my head on adresser i guess to shut me up. i felt pressure on the impact n it felt warm and i could see everything fuzzy. but i knew when he was close, he grabbed me and threw me on the bed cuffed me to the metal bars. i was kicking so hard i hit him in the face which is when hepunched me inmy face so hard i saw dark spots in my left eye. all i could do was scream in agony once he started. i could no longer speak or feel when hewas finished. i could hear arguing and knewit was his sister. she then came to me and just held me in her arms and told me everything would be ok, he threw a towel at her and saidto clean me up. i was bleeding and she putme in a bath and cleanedme up.. she brushed my hair and put make up on me to cover my bruises on my neck and face. she then gave meclothes and took mehome.. noonein my house ever noticed watwould happen.

i know you wonder why his sister wouldnt tell its because he hurt her too and she was just as afraid as i was

sorry if this is long and unappropriate.itshelps when i writeabout it 

 i dont remember all the dates and times but i am a survior. a person who seemed sweet andi thought wouldnt hurt me turned into myworst night mare. only a few days after i met a young man did he  decide to rape and beat me. i thought about telling my parents but that thought quickly went away when he told me he would hurt my little sister if i did and then forcing me to be his girlfriend . i believed him and didnt want him to hurt her.so for along time i kept quiet. almost every day something new was done. going from sexual to physical to emotional abuse. i suffered a miscarriage at only 15 from the man that rapes me andwhen finds out beats me so bad i haveto wake upin the hospital. hes hurt me so bad that i now have a nerve disorder, have sleep disturbances and horrific nightmares. i am now 20 years old and have a 23 month old daughter who i worry about every second she is not with me. i am thankful that god rescued me from this man and has givin me a hero who was there for me knowing what i was going through. its been 5 years since the first rape and 3 years since the last. i am very well struggling with recovering from all of this. and ihave no idea how to help the pain go away. if you have any suggestions for me or have a question you may write to me please.