Wow...its been 11 months since i visited here! So much is still the same, yet changed alot. I feel more empowered to start this new year for the better and get on with my life and live the way i want to, which is in the moment, allowing myself to feel and trying to have a more positive out look.

So since last writing I have completed a goal of mine which was to learn to drive and i did i passed my test 3 months ago...i love the freedom and being able to remove myself from any where i am at any time and just drive! I would love to say i feel like a surviver rather than a victim, but im afraid im still not there yet unfortunately. I still have days where i cry unexpectadly with no one to turn to, as i still havent grasped the idea of telling people how i feel and why and especially if they know about my past i think theyre just looking at me like "this again?" even when there not..why is that? It's so frustrating! I feel more positive about my future, but i just need a kick off someone to say ask for help it wont kill you! But i just cant i never ever have been able to ask for help no matter what it was, im to stubborn and cringe at the thought of appearing weak. I suppose its my coping mechanism to say youve ruined me but im sure as hell am not gunna show it no matter how i feel. It's totally hindering my heeling process but no matter how i want to change i can't do it, i have a drink sometimes and get a bit of duetch courage but it fades as fast as the thought came.

I suppose i'm still finding everything hard especially with family but at the same time i'm learning that i need to change if i ever want my situation to change and that i know where im going wrong and why..but have yet to find the thing thats gunna change me and allow me to face my demons.

Any way i hope you all have a fantastic new year and all find happiness in whatever you do! My new years resolution is to come on here more often it makes me feel better, thank you for reading and all the support i recieve on here

x