I wonder if the memories ever get less intense. I feel like I am just continually living in one particular moment or memory. I remember the nice guy looking for his dogs. I remember falling to the ground I remember the hay bails. I remember the gravel digging into my skin. Sometimes I remember the weight of him on me. Most of all I remember feeling like there was no point in fighting I thought this is how I am going to die and I don't care at least all the pain past and present would stop. I was 12 I had been abused since I was 6 from my dad it had stopped 6 months before this. I was starting to think just maybe I was safe and then I got in a fight with my dad and decided in would be best to just leave and go for a walk. And I got attacked by some drug addicted that went to my neighbor's house. I got attacked because I got distracted and let my guard down for 1 min. I have nightmares about this day all the time. Why it holds more significance than the rest I don't know maybe because it was a stranger maybe because it was so violet and not presented as a game. I just know one moment I closed my eyes and thought ”just kill me please kill me now" and the next moment I was fighting so hard I dug my fingers into the ground searching for the pipe he had thrown down. I came home with cuts and blood every where and when my dad saw me he just walked away like I was invisible. Lately I feel invisible I walk through life wondering if anyone can see me. Almost wishing they can't yet I feel so alone and just want to be a part of something. I don't know how to get this memory out of my mind. I just need a night a few hours free from the hell of it all.
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