Just like it says I found my father. I looked up his name on google along time agoe and found a message on a ansitery site of a lady looking for her grandparents. I contacted her because she included my fathers name in her search. We stayed in contact via email for sometime and I decided it was time to meet her. Well, it was too late then because she had passed away. I was devistated to not have meet her in person. Well to make a long story short, I looked it up again being yesterday and my father had responed to my message saying he has been looking for me and my sister forever and left me his whole address and phone number. Well. fuck I lost it, started crying and screaming and got sick. Is there a reason why I looked it up again and is there a reason why he responed? It's been 3 years since he left that message for me. I think this is my actual closure. Now, I sit and decide how to deal with this. I will write to him with no forward address. I will start from the first memory of abuse and continue to now. I will let it all out. I will let him no what he has done to me and to the rest of my family. I will share my story my book. My book I have been writing for years, he will be the first to read it. Then I will publish it to the world.

I never thought my past would hit me like a rock again. I struggled for so long to get to my point of healing, to have it end in hell. I have always protected my chldren and made sure no harm or evil would come there way. Until the day my father in law arrived at our doorstep 2 years ago. He has been in our lives for 2 years, I shared my love, my problems and my home to him. I trusted him with all my heart with my children. I never thought they were in any danger from this man. He left suddenly over the past couple of days back to his home without even saying good-bye. We thought it was because he did'nt want to contribute to our bills. We find out wrong, he abused my little girl. I'm sickened from this. Don't know how to cope with this. Tomorrow morning my husband and I go to the police station and file a report. Meanwhile, my daughter has changed and has become so many things that I remember I was at this age due to my abuse. My faith has crumbled, my heart is dead. How could someone do such a thing and how long has this been going on. I'm lost.

I'm on a medical leave from work right now due to sickness. I'm not sure what the problem might be. I have been having seizures. This is scary shit. So frustrated and concerned about my health. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. I really need it.

Let me help you through this day.The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awarness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence. Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties high-light the decision- making process. So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone.

Psalm 63:7 - 8 ; James 1:2 -3 ( AMP )

My grandmother is not well, has not been for awhile now, we are waiting for the day she passes on. My mother made huge sacrifices and relocated to be by her side. She moved homes, quit job and had to leave her family behind. I know it sounds bad, but I would do the same for her ( my mother ). My grandmother is a tough lady and has been through alot but, I was not expecting her life to be full of abuse. She told my mother awhile back her childhood/teenage years was very hard. Went into detail with my mom. My mother was taken back some and completly felt useless and angry. The abuse started for Grandma at the age of 3 and ened at 16 when she met my grandfather and married him to get away. Grandmas' mother died when she was 2 years old and her father never remarried. He took everything out on her by exreme physical abuse and sexual. She was never educated, in fact I remember when I was a child she could'nt read or write. What she endured was horrific and she kept this in till now being 93 years old. Holly fuck, what along time to keep something so harsh in quite. When she was told about me and my sisters abuse as children from my father, she fell apart. I'm sure from the fact that he did this to us but, also triggered her about her own abuse. So now we have abuse that runs in both sides of the family, what the fuck. I'm extremly numb right now and full of anger. I don't know what else to say. She is one strong lady and I'm so proud to call her my BABA. I love you Baba.

It's hard to look at her beautiful precious eyes,

All I remember at this age is all the scary lies,

She plays so peacefully with her little brother,

I would hide in closets and scream for my mother,

Words come out of her mouth so innocent, pure and sweet,

Mine where hidden in my mind if I dare share I would be beat,

She's so young and smart and tells me everything of her day,

I always sat in silence I was too scared to even say,

So now I relive my childhood through her eyes,

I pretend I'm her with no endless lies.

Looking back at all those years,

Living with pain and constant fears,

One would think how did you survive,

All I say is I'm stoked to be alive,

At one time I wanted to die,

That was my brain telling me a lie,

You may feel like hell is on earth,

But wait till you experience a new birth,

It does get better only you can make it happen.

Walking through a crowd,

I look across the way,

A child looks me in my eyes,

We lock eyes,

I read her like I understand,

I smile, she lowers her head in shame,

I feel her hurt, her pain.

I look at who is holding her hand,

An anger man with dreadful eyes,

We lock eyes,

I read him but, I don't understand,

I give him a sad look,

He senses my thoughts,

He lowers his head to the ground.

 So innocent so pure.

This age I remember the most.

She plays and laughs.

She's free spirit and joy.

I sat in silence and cried.

I never played, I hid.

I look at her and I heal.

She is me at the age of three.

So innocent so pure.

Why are my friends aloud to play?

As I close my eyes and pray.

Dear lord why are they so happy?

As I sit here feeling crappie.

Do they have hurt and pain?

Do they hold it all in shame?

Am I the only one?

I don't think so.

I'm embarrassed right now so much. I split at work today and cried unbelievably. There was a paper at my staff table, about a little girl that got murdered in our town by her step father. I didn't even know about it and I would not expect to read about it at my work as I drink my coffee. First I got pissed right off and sad who in fuck would leave something like this in here. Then I started to cry uncontrollably. Everyone just looked at me, nobody knows anything about me. So, I split and became two different ulters. I know I was looked at in disbelief, but one girl stepped in and said this is inappropriate reading to have at our lunch table and asked if I was ok. Then the next thing you know I'm Me again and embarrassed and confused. Fuck, I did not want anything like this to happen to me at work. Tomorrow I go back and I hope nobody looks at me differently. I'm scared to go back but, I have to. I hope this doesn't happen again to me.

July will be a year I have been on PWP. It has come by so fast, I remember the day I joined, I was so scared and so hurting. Wow, I have come so far since then. This site amongst everyone here kept me motivated to keep fighting and moving forward with my healing. I thank you for that. I hope I have helped others as well as you have helped me. Baby steps is all I took, everyday was different, some were big fucken steps to find that they were too much. As I close my eyes at night I think of all my friends and to everyone on PWP, I have come across and wish you all peaceful dreams and wake to a beautiful day. Love you all. xo

I wrote an entry on how I became in contact with my long lost family. This is my fathers side of the family. When I told my secret at 13 years of age to my fathers side, they disowned him as well and have not heard from him either. It has been 24 years since I have seen or heard from any of my family members on this side. My secret became something I dreaded and that was I lost all contact with my family. A lot of lost years that was not called for. Don't know what or why this happened, it just did.  I will get to the point. Myself and my sister are going to be reunited with them all ( except our father of course) this Saturday being June 19. I am so fucking excited and scared at the same time. It has been so long and we will all be in the same room. It is a baby shower for a cousin, I do not even remember. How will I cope through this, with a fake big smile and holding back tears. I have alot of resentment towards my Aunties because I was 13 years old and they not only through my father out of there lives but, also me, mom and my sister. Why? Why? This will not be the place or time to ask these questions this I know. At least this will be a moment of gentle hugs and hopefully a memory of joy for me and my sister to share. I hope to not split on this day as they have know idea this can happen to me but, if it does, so be it. They will see what this past abuse has done to me. I took this day off of work and the next because I don't know how I will feel afterwards. I could be ok, but then I might not. Just wanted to share with you all that I'm being reunited and I hope this is good. Much love to you all. xo

It was hard to figure out where I wanted to go in my healing journey. I didn't know where I was in the present. I mean I needed to understand the effects of childhood sexual abuse to help me to assess where I was   and where I wanted to be. I took a look at how sexual abuse has affected my life. It was self-esteem, feelings, family, intimacy, work, school, my body and my spirituality. I got to know what it all is and I worked everyday on one of these issues that stopped me  from moving forward. I felt fear of having anyone love me because I was hurt from everyone who did. I felt powerless, I never knew I could say no. Everyone walked all over me even my own children. I felt loneliness, I never felt that I belonged anywhere and I could be in a crowd of people and still felt alone. Depression was and still is my number one enemy, It makes me feel empty inside nothing but darkness. I used to wish I was dead, I felt crazy. Of course lets not forget anger, I wanted to hunt my father down and kill him. All the men I had in my life wanted one thing. (Sex). So these are some of my ways of coping. First my decision to heal, I recognized the effects of my abuse and made a commitment to be active in my healing. Going through the stages of remembering my memories and feelings and believing it happened. Understanding that it wasn't my fault and place the blame where it belongs, with my father. Finding my child within has helped me feel compassion for myself, more anger with my father and lots of greater intimacy with others. I have kept a chart on my fridge for myself and others to read if they wish. This is a chart of tracking my emotions from events through out the day/week and the outcomes either it be good or bad. I go back to it and read it at the end of the week and see where I need  more help on in my communication with others. This works so great for me. If I have not communicated my emotions of whatever incident occurred then I know this is what I need to work on. I used to keep all feelings inside because I felt guilty of having a feeling and I felt I had no right. Now I have learnt that emotions are ok. Good or bad. My favorite saying ( I have the right to say no to the things I don't want to have happen to me, and the right to ask for what I need, want, and deserve for myself.) Forgiveness was my choice to make, I freed myself from my fathers power and control, I took back my power gained my freedom, he can't hurt or control me anymore and I forgive myself. I won this battle and he is alone.

I have written past memories of my childhood in small stories. Now I am going to share it all in a nut shell. Many of you all ready know most of my life but, I have now my ending to share. So please bare with the detail and the bluntness. I shared most of this with my past therapy group and now I will share with you.

My abuse started very young. I remember 4 years old to 13 years old like it was yesterday. I remember all detail, feel, look and smell. I now have feelings of it starting as early as diapers. This I know because when I change my children's diapers or wipe them down or even bath them, I panic and hurry with the process and hold my breath and tears at the same time. A day never went by without my father abusing me. I never slept because I would be woken up or worse woke in the morning to my clothes ripped or on the floor. My father was a very violent man. He was a drunk, pedophile and a rapist. He would beat my sister, mother and myself for just being in the way. My mother was rapped by this man and I believe but, with out proof that he was a serial rapist. I was threatened to not tell about my abuse or I would be killed. Until one day at 13 years old I told my hidden secret and that abuse ended. I was put in foster care for a year. Growing up through my adolescence was horrible. I was put in a psycho ward for a year because I was suicidal, suffered from depression and hallucinations. So, I sat in padded rooms all drugged up most of the time until they thought I was ready to go back into the "norm" world again. Maybe they didn't keep me in long enough, for I became addicted to sex, drugs (cocaine) and alcohol and cigs. My mother and new step father realised I had a problem, after finding out I had taken all my medication. I was in a comma in the hospital for some time and then put away again, this time in a detox full of fucken nut jobs. I became very promiscuous after that and collected along the way many stds. But, my father gave me the gift I will have for the rest of my life (Herpes.) So every time I have a breakout, I see and feel my father and his fucken smirk on his face. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the age of 9 years old, because I was told never to tell by my father. He said it was a yeast infection. When I turned 21 years old, I sure found out what it was because my oldest daughter was covered from head to toe ( what they thought to be Herpes.) Thank the lord it wasn't she was blessed to only have been burnt from my placenta. She should have been born three weeks prier to that. So, my daughter is my miracle child. I have been in and out of therapy since 13 years to now being 37 years. I suffer from dissociation, depression, borderline personalities with occasional suicide thoughts. I'm on medication right now for the depression and it seems to be working well. There are many chapters of my life but, I will stop at this.

I have come along way and it has not been easy. I still have a lot more to work on. I am not healed nor will I ever be but, for me to carry on I have forgiven all that has harmed me. Not because they deserve this, but I deserve this. I could tell you one thing, I would never change my past and want anything different ( except have money.) lol because I would not have what I have today, my family, my friends, all of you here and my strong belief in the lord. I am a strong woman and I'm a survivor. So now I practice to be impeccable with my word. To not take anything personally. To not make assumptions and always do my best.

( Prayer for love)

Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life. Amen. ( This is for all of you.) I love you.

I'm surrounded in a room full of strong survivors,

We have joined together in a deep journey as divers,

Searching through the endless weeds for hope and strength,

Surfacing to the top and stretching our bodies to full length,

As the weeks go by our time will come to an end,

Knowing that we have all connected with a friend.

( I have just finished 10 weeks of group therapy  with 6 wonderful strong woman. This has been the most amazing experience for me in my healing. I have leaped into a positive look on my life and I recommend if anyone is wanting to do this and can in your area, try it out. I will miss these wonderful strong woman. I'm looking forward to my next journey in my healing.)

I put this under struggles because lately my life, my families life has been a struggle. I didn't know when my next meal would be, worried to get an eviction notice, waiting for power and heat to be cut off. Yes, it is that drastic. It's been very hard constantly borrowing money to survive. I just wanted to say thank you Mandee for your prayers. I'm at aw today because the phone has not stopped ringing, I have without a lie 3 interviews this afternoon. Andrew has 1. It has happened for us in just a few hours and I'm overwhelmed with joy. I just wanted to share this with you.  Thank you.

These days are flying by too fast,

I wish it was like this in my past,

Those days seemed endless, dragged on,

Only to have today and yesterday be gone,

I'm worried what the future will bring,

I'm waiting for my phone to ring,

Please give me the answer I wish to hear,

Of the one so close to me I call dear,

She struggles day in and out,

"Wait"! my phone won't ring, it's me I'm talking about.

Turn the switch on,

Light,

Turn the switch off,

Dark,

Her eyes shut tight,

Blank,

Her eyes wide open,

The evil is in,

Can't breath,

Can't move,

Too dark.

Too scared.

I would like to share an experience my mother and father shared when my mom fell ill.

Mom was at work (a teacher) and started to feel very hot, sweaty, dizzy and nauseous. It was almost the end of work, so she decided she was going to leave early. A co-worker noticed her state and said maybe you should sit. My mother heard a voice in her head telling her to stay still. She listened and she sat and she waited. Just when my mother had sat down, she started to clench her chest, the pain went up her arm into her chest. She fainted onto the floor. The paramedics arrived and could not find her pulse. My mother said she was aware of what was going on but, all she could see was big black boots surrounding her. All mom did was pray for this not to be her time. All she could see was all of us(family) in her mind. The voice said calm you will be fine. She then realised she was still here because of the oxygen mask on her face and the echo of the paramedics voices in the ambulance.

Meanwhile at my daughters surgery, my step father got a call saying what had happened with my mother. My daughter was in recovery from her surgery and was almost ready to be brought back home to me. Knowing this he would be with my mother very soon. As he hung up his cell phone it rang again, this time a woman asked for my step father. She asked if someone needed prayers right now and found a need to call because she felt something was not right. My father went speechless not understanding what was happening. Who was this lady and how did she know something was wrong. He finds out it is a member from his church. She did not know anything and felt she had to phone right away. Call this a coincidence or not. They then prayed.

Now my father is by my mothers side, and tells her about this phone call. My mother starts to cry, She said before my father arrived she felt a deep feeling in her heart and heard a faint prayer but it was not her and anyone around saying it. She opened her eyes and all her pain was gone. The machines read she had normal pulse, blood pressure etc.

Now tell me, is this a beautiful, inspirational story. The lord works in mysterious ways and the power of prayers can heal.

(Here is something my counsellor shared with me and I want to share this with you. It makes complete sense. I hope you feel the same. I've done this and put my kit away and safe. You never know when you might fall and want to give up.)

Create for yourself a suicide survival kit. This is to contain things that you think will be helpful at a time when you are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Put these objects in a box, in a place where it's easy for you to get to.

- pictures of family, friends, pets etc. of those whom you love and love and sustain you.

- letters written by loved ones or yourself reminding you of all the things that are valuable and worth living.

- small cherished objects.

- tea bag as a reminder to make yourself a cup of tea before you take any action that might cause harm.

- chocolate bar or favorite candy.

- CD of your favorite songs, ones that give you sense of hope, something long enough to listen through so that your self destructive thoughts would have time to pass.

- a book of poems or meditation that help you to have perspective.

- maybe some verses and prayers from the bible.

- A list of support people who would be willing to listen and talk with you at such a time.

- a journal and pen to write down how you are feeling and what brought you to this.

( Putting this kit together is a strong and positive message to yourself, your life is important enough that you will put the time and resources into building your kit. We all want to heal and move forward but, sometimes it feels hopeless. Remember, your life does have a meaning and purpose.)

( Again I'm no counsellor I only share what has been given to me, I see way too many survivors on here daily wanting to end there lives. If I can help in anyway for you to change your mind, this would be it. I'm hoping. I love all of you and hate to see the suffering and pain.) God bless everyone. xo

Is there more to life than living?

I think it's all about giving,

Some may say it's about forgiving,

Once you've been hurt,

You're put on alert,

How can one then think there's more?

When all you do is fight in this war,

Staying positive is hard to do,

When negative sticks to you like glue,

Well I say yes there's more to life,

It's on the end of my knife,

I don't mean to scare you,

I cut deep down into view,

Of my damaged heart and put in a new one,

This one shines like a summer sun,

There's more to life, this I know,

Cause if you look at me I glow.:)

I was in a session yesterday with my counsellor and talked about boundaries with my teenage daughter. (I have none.) I have been acting like a friend to her, for so long. I realise this is not going to work like this and have to step up and be a mother. I mean ya, I'm mother and I care for her like a mother should but, we are missing a few important things in her growing into a young lady. I guess I became this way with her because I was afraid she might turn around and say she'll leave to go back to her fathers or something. Which she wouldn't and that's another story. She suffers from an ulcer and is awaiting surgery. I got into talking about my daughter because of her ulcer and the way she is and what would have caused this ulcer. Well, everything has caused this ulcer. I told my counsellor what she seems to be going through emotionally/physically and it was agreed that she is suffering from the pain and not 100% knowing that it is an ulcer yet but, also depression. The symptoms she has are, feelings of hopelessness, having no energy and tired all the time, crying for no apparent reason and also not being able to cry when she wants, can't concentrate, loss of appetite and change in sleep ( no sleep), headaches and of course the stomach pain. Now keep in mind she does have an ulcer that would cause most if not all of these signs. I showed my daughter a form that was given to me for her and she broke down and said wow, that was her. Besides the pain she endures on a regular basis, she can say she is depressed. She has agreed she wants help but, when the surgery is booked and over with and her health is a little bit better.  There's so much to get into about this. I really don't know where to start, except that I look at my daughter and I can only wish I was like her at this age. I let her do whatever she wants, she gets most times what she wants. I 'm not teaching her boundaries. We all need healthy boundaries to survive and we need to set boundaries to create healthy relationships. I could  go on and on about this but, I won't. I just wanted to share that I had a huge awakening yesterday and a huge step towards my healing and understanding what boundaries really mean and how not having them can affect a persons life. My daughter is a beautiful young lady with a huge bright future ahead of her and I'm incredibly proud of her. Love you my angle.

Tomorrow is a big day for my sister and I. She will be arriving in the morning to my home. She has decided to proceed in getting some help for herself. So I printed out for BC, a criminal victims form for her to fill out. As I go through these forms there are 12 pages to go through. This is going to be rough on her and very challenging. I pray I have enough strength to help her through this. There is a section on there about the times and days experience etc... and I know this is going to be a trigger for her and hoping not for me. The more she writes though the better because this will give her eligibility for free counselling etc...  The first step for my sister was opening up and asking for help. This is going to be the second step for my sister in her healing. I'm so proud of her, I will be right beside her through everything. I know though, that I have to keep strong for myself and not forget where I'm at in my healing and continue with mine as well. I just wanted to share this with you, I have several posts about my sister on how I resent her and pity her and how she was abusive to her family and my mother and I but, I do love her no matter what and I do forgive her because none of it was her fault. I blame everything on our father the ABUSER. I hope one day to tell my sister about this site, but I'm not ready yet for her to read my posts. Also I feel this is my place to be right now and I don't want to share. I have not told anybody about this site because this is were I let it all out. If I share to my family and friends here, I will hold a lot in and what would be my purpose to be on here then.  I hope that doesn't sound selfish.

It's so hard to talk with someone and look them in the eyes,

I feel so stupid and I always look away,

I get into a conversation and forget what I'm talking about,

Then I feel really stupid and start to talk about something else,

I always feel my face go red and my eye starts to twitch,

Fuck I hate it, then I have to be fake and out comes that smile,

I pretend I'm ok and hurry talking so I can get away.

I always feel someone can read me and tell that I'm scarred,

I always laugh and I'm friendly people seem to like me,

I can't help but feel I'm being judged.

As my heart crumbles and scatters to the ground,

It still manages to make this incredible sound,

It starts to mend the pieces together one by one,

Some fit and some get stuck and feel like a ton,

As they slowing go back into place,

I somehow feel like I'm in a race,

My heart starts to pound and I feel so alive,

I feel the strength and I know I can survive.

As I sit alone today I wonder what to do,

All my memories are coming forward,

I now know what my coping skills are,

To not be alone and keep busy,

I have nothing to do right now but sit,

I'm so busy everyday that I'm not focused on my past,

Today is a day I see and hear all my memories,

Maybe this is good so I can look at them,

Put them in my memory box,

There I know they are safe.

(I had a flashback the other day and fell to the ground,

I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth,)

I was four and hiding behind my dresser,

Crying and very scared,

I took a bottle of pills I got a hold of,

I took the whole bottle of pills,

I don't know what they were,

I sat there in silence praying to not be found,

My mohter and father walked in and saw the bottle of pills,

"Did you take all these pills my mother says?"

" Yes, mommy am I in trouble?"

That's all I see, that's all I hear nothing else,

(But now what's left in my mind is the wondering why nothing was done,

Why would a four year old try to kill herself?

I did'nt take them because I thought they were candy,

The signs were all there.)

Finding out more and more about my father is killing me but, making me go even further in proceeding with court. He was born into an abusive family, it's known that his grandmother or mother abused him and father beat him. My father abused his younger twin sisters and his youngest brother, he comitted suicide when I was three. He had told my grandmother he did not want to turn out like my father and hurt his own little girls. Shorty after he died. My father abused me, my sister and my mother.There were numerus rapes around my home at a young age that my mother really is convinced it was him and his friend at that time. I believe he is married and his wife has a son being handicapped. So all and all he is a very bad man and very dangerous, he would be 65 years old now and living somewhere in Canada. I am trying my hardest to get this man put away. I have had dreams of a boy asking for help and I feel in my heart he's hurting someone else. I need a ton of prayers from everyone to help me be strong and get him put away. It has been along time since I made a report about him but now my sister's starting to open, I think she will make a report to the police. I am wondering if it is ok to post a picture of him on here. I don't know if I'm aloud to do  this. Will I get in some kind of trouble by the law. I really want his face to be known. Even though it would be an old picture. Sorry for the going on but, this is what is on my mind and I'm going to explode. Thank you for taking the time to read this.xo 

My sister opened up the other day and told me she is having memories of our father abusing her. She told me these two that I still can't stop picturing in my head and laughing my ass off. You will most likely get this picture in yours as you read.

I posted a entry on here awhile back about not having any privacy while in the bath. Well, one day my sister being around 13 years, was in the shower and heard a noise at the ajoining door from my parents closet to the bathroom. She looked from outside the shower and no one was there but the door was opened alittle. She felt scared so she turned off the shower and wiped up fast and ran to her room. Next time she had a shower she was not in it and left the water running and stood beside the door in her shirt and shorts with a bucket of hot hot water. The door opened and my sister through the bucket of hot water through the crack of the door. Then the door slammed and she ran to the other door going out of the bathroom to see our father running down the stairs soaked from head to toe. HAHAHA that's what you get you bastard.  

Another my sister set up a trap at her doorway, again being 13 or 14 years old. She set up a fishing line at foot hight in her door way with cans on the end of the line. If anyone would happen to fall over the line the cans would make a huge noise. Well, what do you know, the idiot tried to cross the line. Sister jumped out of bed and told him to fuck right off. Crazy thing is, he did not get mad and beat the crap out of her like she thought he would. He just got up and walked away.

My sister was pretty smart and saved herself from repeated rapes I'm sure would have happened. There are many times my sister set up traps so she would be woken in the night. I guess he tried alot of the abuse when we were sleeping. I know I got abused alot during the hours of being asleep.

I took a bath last night for me time,

I had a sented candle going,

I layed in the hot water,

Turned off my mind,

Thought of nothing,

I was in darkness with a tint of light,

No sound, just my heart beat,

Deep breath in and exhale,

I was in complete meditation,

Then something happened,

I felt light and I floated,

I started to pray to God,

Set me free from all this past,

Make me whole and happy,

Take away and forgive me for my sins,

Forgive all that has hurt me,

Let me have what I want,

What I want is to be me,

My inner child to be at peace.

I said it before and I say it again,

Thank you all for being my friend,

It's here on this site that I feel the connection,

The respect and understanding,

From everyone I talk too and from those I don't,

I have 310 friends on my list,

Many more to add,

Most I have talked to at least a few times.

We All share the same thing.

Being a survivor,

It blows me away when I look at my friends at home,

They are here but it's not the same as you and I,

We forever will hold a bond,

I love you all,

Thank you.

Growing up with my sister was, lets just say hell. From the day I was born she hated me. She is four years older. As early as I can remember she was so evil and mean to me. One time I remember her sitting in my crib while I was sleeping and she went pee in my bed, ran out and told my father I wet the bed. Now keep in mind I was only 2 years old. So what if I had done this in the first place. I'm a fucken baby right? Wrong, my sister knew that if she told our father he would be pissed and I would get beaten.  So, I got a beat. Many many other times she tormented me as well with abuse. She never protected me, walked in several times while my father was abuseing me and she would just walk out and not say a word. All this time I thought she was never abused by my father because she told me that. I thought how can my father just abuse me and not her and why not her? She is 40 years now. She has MS. She struggles with boyfriends, meaning one after another, she is never satisfied with any of them. Today I got a call and she broke down and said that our father abused her too. She is having memories/flashbacks and needed to share them with me. I listened, I cried, my heart hurt with each word she said. Her memories are very painful and brought alot more of mine to the survice as well. You see, I have been dealing with the memories since I was young and I reember mostly everything, I have also been dealing with everything as well. She has not, this would be the first time ever that she excepted my help. I asked her to join counseling with me and let's help eachother through this. I have a huge head start but, she is just begining and this is going to be very hard for her and her health. We have never had a close relationship and this sucks so bad, but she is my sister and regardless of us not being close, we need eachother now. I have to be her cruch and I have to help my sister because if I don't want to see her get ill and suffer. I'm so scared and I 'm crying so hard right now, my chest is killing me. Memories are filling my head right now I feel like I might explode. Is it posible that I can remember seeing and feeling things at lets say, 1 year maybe alittle older? My sister would be 5 years old and she is on my father naked and he is pushing her up and down on him. She told me this and I see it in my mind and I tear up and start to feel sick and very scared. Did I see this or is this just a reaction to what I was just told? Either or, that bastard he took our innocense away from us both. It has fucked up our lives so bad and my sister is starting to see this. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU. Sorry.

Shit, I'm full of anger right now,

In stead of me sleeping like I should be,

I'm up crying and just overwhelmed,

I don't even know why I'm writing this,

I think I have lost myself alittle,

Frustrated about the holidays,

Tis the season to be jolly,

Fuck I must be fake and pretending all the time,

Deep, deep down I feel like shit,

Thank god everyone is asleep,

But yet it would'nt matter cause I would pretend anyway,

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Yet I will wake tomorrow happy and shit,

Most likely not even remember what I wrote,

Or that I was even on here,

Until I look back on this,

Shake my head and think wow I'm fucked up.

Christmas has passed,

It went by very fast,

However, it was enjoyed,

But I felt a big void,

I became someone within,

I put on my fake grin,

Just so no one knows,

That I walk around on my toes,

Holding my tears back,

Afraid I might crack,

Making sure the children have fun,

I'm glad it's all done,

For I don't think I can do another day,

Pretending that I'm ok.

Our beautiful Christmas tree,

All done up and ready to enjoy,

Gathered around are my children playing,

I turn my head for a moment,

My little monkey is climbing the tree,

Down it comes and hits the ground,

Monkey number two is under it,

My eyes tear up with laughter,

For my children who are  under the tree,

They were not hurt nor was the tree,

But this is a moment that will be talked about year after year.

It's dark and cold in her world today,

No one to talk to,

Nobody seems to care,

What made her be this way?

Was there ever a clue?

I always would say a prayer,

There must be a reason why,

I guess we will never know,

Ya, I'm hurt somewhat,

It's time to say goodbye,

We all took a blow,

Right in the gut.

After awhile you learn the subtile difference,

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

You learn that love does'nt mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses are'nt contracts,

And presents are'nt promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats,

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman/man,

Not the grief of a child,

And learn to build your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,

After awhile you learn that even sunshine,

Burns if you get too much,

So you plant your own garden and decorate,

Your own soul instead of waiting,

For someone to bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth,

And you learn and learn and learn .........

-Annonymous

Waking in the night I struggle and look around,

Shaking at the sight I see laying on my ground,

It's dark and big with gleaming red eyes,

I freeze and stop breathing as it starts to rise,

My heart is pounding and I want to scream out,

My voice seems to be paralyzed for me to shout,

I hear my mothers voice telling my father to leave me alone,

Did she know he was about to hurt me?

Or is this just a dream?

It is 'nt nice to make fun of me,

I'm very angry can't you see,

Leave me alone and play by yourself,

Or I will run and hide and hurt myself,

That's all you ever do is make me cry,

It's sad that a four year old wants to die,

You are just as evil as our dad,

I will never forget the things you did to me,

This is very very sad.

As I toss and turn all through the endless night,

I wonder what's in store for me at morning light,

Will I wake a little rested and be stoked to be alive,

Or will I just lay there and wonder how I will survive,

This is my choice that I have to make,

I choose to get up and give my head a shake,

For I have already survived my broken past,

Now if only I can make how I feel now last,

I say I will move forward and be positive everyday,

Then be discouraged about it all the very next day,

All I can do is continue in the direction I'm going,

I am very proud of myself and it's showing.

I hear her screams in the middle of the night,

I try to tell her to breath it will be all right,

It will all pass soon and she will sleep,

All she does later is lay there and weep,

Covered in her blanket of secrets and shame,

Thinking to herself that she is to blame,

Next time it happens I will take her away,

I fly her up high and we play in the sky,

We will float around until she feels no pain,

I'm her protector I'm in her brain.

Bump, trembles her brain,

"I must lurk inside",

"Never to be visible",

"For if I'm seen I will be known",

Then who will shield her?

She needs protection at all times,

"I can't allow the unworthy to assault her",

"I will come out if I have to",

"I won't be a graceful sight,"

"I will show you my anger",

"That's why I stay in most of the time."

Do you ever look in the mirrow and just stare yourself,

Wonder what it would be like to be someone else,

What kind of life would you have if you had no abuse,

I have really thought about this hard and I came up with this,

First I would be ignorant to the topic of abuse,

I would have know idea what to say or how to feel to someone with this problem,

I would not have the people who support me in my life, like all of you,

I would not have went down the road I have,

I most of all would not have what I have today,

That is my children, my husband,

I have followed this path for reasons which have lead me to who and what I am today,

I would not take back anything in my life,

It might be hard to believe but, I would have been someone else,

That right there is very scary,

I like what and who I am, I love me and my family.

This makes me proud of who I am,

I may fall sometimes but, it does'nt take me long to wake up.

All wrapped up in a ball and chain,

Trying to escape this horrible pain,

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough,

But I'm scared of change,

When things feel better you would think I smile,

Instead I feel empty because I'm so used to pain,

There does'nt seem to be a happy place for me,

I move forward but still feel sad.

All I see is darkness and tear drops,

I try so hard to catch them before they die,

There are so many flowing down my face,

Each one is a memory of all the years of pain,

I watch them as they hit the ground,

One after another they bounce around,

A puddle forms below my feet,

I can know longer weep,

As I look into my reflection,

I can see my eyes light up,

The puddle is disappearing,

My memories are drying up.

Tonight was the night I fucken exploded. I could'nt take no more. I'm tired and not taking care of myself. I feel like a slave in my home. Always cleaning, cooking doing the whole house thing. Never anytime for me. I'm falling apart, I look and feel like shit. I walked out, told everyone I'm on strike. I told my husband and teenage daughter to fend for themselves and take care of the babies. I'm back right now, had to deal with a few things before the babies went to bed. Now I sit here and regret what I just did. I should have kept it together and I did'nt. I lost it on my family. They are all I have and I lost it. Lost myself and not sure if it was me or another personality that did this because right now I just feel really drained and confused. I lost 3 hours of my night not knowing what happened and what even caused this in the first place. I have a blank moment of not remembering. This is scary and dangerous as well. I just left the house. Please someone be here for me tonight. I need someones understanding and comfort. I'm really scared I just lost it. 

A portrait of a beautiful strong woman,

Standing tall and brave,

From a man with such talent,

And the biggest heart of all,

Thousands of hand-drawn dots,

A new dot pops up everyday,

A dot being you/me,

A survivor of rape,

A survivor of sexual abuse,

And an understanding supporter,

To be involved in such a wonderful project,

Helping one another,

Healing myself/yourself along the way,

Makes me feel like a beautiful strong woman,

Who can conquer anything every single day,

You/me can stand beautiful, stand tall and stand brave.

         I used to hang out with a biker gang. I was first a groupy and then got involved with one of the guys. I spent most of my weekends there partying and such. I used alot there and drank myself stupid. It seemed I was there most of the time getting drunk and high. This was all I did for almost a year. I was never really scared but, I did see alot of stuff going on in this house that one should just not see. Like this:

       The nightmare followed me with a gun shot. I woke to a bang. I was on a couch and ran to the door to see the leader with a gun in his hands. A man lie in the street, blood all around his head. I did not know what to do but, his girlfriend was screaming for help. I liked her very much and I knew who was shoot. I ran out to help her. I asked her who did this and what happened, she told me. I should of stayed inside, stupid me. She was trying to give him mouth to mouth. I took over, oh my god, blood all over his mouth, the taste I will never forget the salty taste. She was banging on his chest. He was dead. I was a wreak. Here's this man in blood all around his head, I have his taste in my mouth, what the fuck was I doing? I was yelled at my the leader to get back inside. I was so scared. I did not know what to do. I ran inside and got grabbed by another member and he told me to keep quite and not do anything I will regret. He shot his best friend in the head. I saw him stand above him with the gun in his hand. Fuck, why did I have to see this, why did I run out? I should of stayed inside and pretended I did not see anything.

       Police showed up and many of them. The street was blocked off. We were all sent out onto the street cross legged and handcuffed. We were put into a patty wagon and brought down to the police station and questioned. The look of terrer in my eyes gave it away that I knew something, also I had blood all over me. I was questioned for hours and finally broke down and told the truth. I was put into protective services and my family. We then had a gaurd at our home for weeks on end. A trail date was set.

        This had to be the worst possible event for me, I had to tell the judge everything with (him) no names and his whole family and freinds in the court room. I even had to point him out to the judge. I felt so ashamed, his wife just glared at me with anger. I felt so sad and terrible. He got sent to prison, I do not know how long or if it was life. All I know is I had ratted out a bike member and I was sure I would be killed. So this is when I left home and moved in with my ex. my daughters father.

I have not heard or seen any of these people since this all happened. Thank god to this. What a horrible situation I was put in. God the stuff I did long time ago.

The battle of remembering is forgetting where it came from,

It used to look me straight in the eyes,

The evil and demon corrosive ways would bleed into my soul,

Leaving nothing but fright and disgrace,

Making its way to an open gate,

Too many to fight off with no protection,

Left me with intense moments of annihilatation.

Deep inside lives an unseen personality, 

She's confined to her loneliness,

The intensity of it all is increasing,

Digging and pulling her way to the light,

Getting frustrated because she can't get out,

What makes her stay and give up so easy?

She needs to get out to breath,

If she does'nt everthing will collapse,

Then the unknown will be gone forever.

The impact of your skin is blazing my hand,

It rockets an earthquake to my heart,

Makes me feel uncanny,

I feel like a child,

I want to run and dissappear,

I get anxious and overwhelmed,

Even just a touch can trigger me off.

Last night at my counselling session, I surprized myself with my feelings. I brought up the fact that my mother spends alot of time with my teenage daughter and I admitted that I'm jealous. I mean my mom is a great mother and friend to me but I feel neglected because we don't do anything, only she helps me with the babies. God I'm selfish. She never did things with me when I was younger and a teenager, I just came to realise last night that not only was I sexualy abused by my father but, I was neglected by my mother. She was never there. Where was she? I have so much to share about this but, I will leave this for now. As today is a day I shut down the computer and do something for myself.

As I close my eyes and think in my mind,

How will I escape from this extreme distress?

What will make me feel alive and valuable?

How will I come to realise that I can do and be anything?

As I close my eyes and think in my mind,

I will speek out and not be afraid,

I will love myself and honor my past,

I will push myself to the limits to become the best I can.

As I open my eyes I am not afraid.

I feel beautiful today and so I breath so well,

But yet so ugly to be seen and it's so sufficating,

I stretch with strength and feel powerful,

But yet shrink with weakness for I am powerless,

I see brightness and happiness,

But yet dullness is and sadness is still there,

I have forgave and bandaged my soul,

But yet my forgiveness sometimes fails my bleeding heart.

My journey of healing has been a long one,

I know I will be in it for the long run,

Many many years it took to find me,

I thought I was lost but I was always here,

I was stuck in my mind of misery,

Always asking why me?

Well, I was given this life for a reason,

Without it I would not be who I am today,

I would not trade my life for anything,

I love who I am right now,

I would not have what I have today.

My family, my friends,

And all of you.xo

I feel I'm not being honest with my counsellor, I go see her once a week and at the end of our session she always asks me what my plans are for the week. I tell her and say I will do something for myself but, I never do. Then when I see her next,  I always lie and say I did something but really I did'nt. Why is this? Why do I feel a need to lie to her about this? Why am I not doing something for myself? I always tell everyone I talk to, to do something nice for themselves. Hmm maybe I should pratice this myself. I'm honest with her with everthing else but for some reason just with this I am not. I'm lost with this one. :(

So my fathers name is Ron. I fucken hate this name, hmm I wonder why? I never had a friend named Ron nor would I ever have a boyfriend named Ron. Now that  I think about it, I don't know any Rons. I was at my mothers tonight bringing the babies over for their treats and my sister was there all dressed up for halloween, with her new boyfriend number 800 or something like that. Guess what?, his name is Ron. I just stood there for a while and looked at him. With a stupid look on my face. Then I shook his hand and said nice to meet you which, must of looked really stupid because I had a twich in my right eye and a crooked smile. I felt so retarted. This is what I do when I'm stressed about something. I could tell he felt a little off from my welcome. Well, shit I would too. I could not help it, his fucken name is Ron. It triggered me, I was ready to attack. He had  the perfect costume on too,he was in a prisoner suit and my sister was a cop. I looked at my sister puzzled because I know she does not like this name either. This almost felt like a dream and now I can't stop laughing while I'm writing this because if you could only be in my brain for that moment or even a fly on the wall, you would of found some great humor in this. Anyway something stupid and random to share. Sorry for my words I was just venting.

Deep, dark, black water,

I can't hold my breath any longer,

I try to reach for the surface,

I'm pushed down even deeper,

I breath in the water and I can't get up,

I feel myself slipping away,

A hand is helping me out,

"I should of let you drown", she says,

"But then I would be in trouble",

Laughs at me and walks away.

As I sit and start to write a memory I have, I get distracted.

My husband is a Skateboarder, has been since he was 9 years old, he is now 33 years old. He has had some good sucess with it too, which is great. Anyway, not to get into too much of who he is, it is late, our son woke up and the only thing that seems to keep him at aww would be watching skate videos with daddy. As I look around the corner he is purched up into daddys lap with his blanky and nuk sucking away and dazed my the video and music. I think to myself what a lovley memory for my son, I know he is young and most likely won't remember such a thing but just the look in his eyes. Loving the music, skating and his daddy. What a beautiful memory for my husband as well, holding his son and showing him what he loves to do and making it even more special by loving his little boy.

I could only dream of moments like this as a child growing up to have my daddy share a joy and involve me and love me.

I will forever remember your beautiful eyes,

I will sit for a moment with my silent cries,

Your heart is so loving and strong,

Why did things have to go so wrong,

Look over the one that hurts so bad,

Help her to not be sad,

She needs an angle by her side,

I am afraid her world will collide,

Keep her safe.

Running through the woods stoned out of my mind,

Not paying attention to the man from behind,

I find the camp fire were the partys at,

I sit with some friends and we have a chat,

I see out of the corner of my eye,

This strange but interesting looking guy,

I ignore him for awhile to see what he would do,

I pretended I was busy tying up my shoe,

Then my freinds had to leave and I was all alone,

I remember him coming up to me and the smell of his cologne,

He asked what I was up to that night,

And put his arms around me tight,

We walked towards his car,

Ended up somewhere far,

I was so stoned out of my mind,

I was so fucken blind,

Did I not see what was coming,

My mind was just humming,

This was not a nice man,

I should have just fucken ran.

Thank you for this memory,

I was young and so excited,

Easter when I was 4 years old,

I looked outside and saw bunny prints,

With two big pink bunnies at our bridge,

I ran out all excited and happy,

This was such a wonderful day,

Everyone was cheerful and laughing,

Thank you for this memory,

A day I could play.

For all the times I was so scared and hid between the walls,

I could hear your screams within yourself as you walked down the hall,

You turned into the devil and dragged me down to hell,

But deep inside I knew I would survive because I was strongmel,

I always knew when you were drunk from that terrible smell,

It made me turn invisible and turn into my shell,

Even though I endured this abuse,

I felt there was your excuse,

You became the devil from your drinking,

And it brought you down to hell sinking.

Peek around the corner of the door,

You will find a big hole in the floor,

Jump down in and cover your head,

Just pretent that you are dead,

Remember to not make a sound,

Or else you will be found,

You are safe for the night,

As long as you keep quite,

Tomorrow will come and he will be gone,

You'll find another place to hide before dawn.

Do you ever stand in a room full of people and feel alone?

Do you feel like you're drifting up above the crowd?

No one seems to even notice you.

It's like you are'nt even there.

Everyone speeks at the same time.

The words make no sense.

You stand there like a statue.

No one seems to even care.

You end up being the last one there.

The lights turn out.

The doors shut.

You are in darkness.

You try to find your way out.

You think you are locked in.

You bang on a door.

Asking someone to let you out.

You find an unlocked door.

You open it.

No one there.

Your alone.

Music kept me going,

Also kept me glowing,

I used to sing in bands,

It was so cool to see clapping hands,

I became someone else on stage,

I became a different age,

It felt so good to sing out loud,

And not be afraid of the crowd,

This is what kept me going,

It was slowly showing,

That I could become a character on stage,

And make a good wage,

I will always remember those times,

I wish I was there again sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder what's the right thing,

I wait for the answer, what will it bring?

Should I let go of my past?

Should I put myself last?

I get frustrated and confused,

I sometimes even feel used,

I know I should come first,

But I was told I was cursed,

With nothing but bad stuff,

It's really been tough,

So what should I do?

I have know clue,

I ask myself every day, should I  let it all go?

I just don't know.

A whisper wakes me in the night,

I wrap my blanket around me tight,

I open my eyes just a crack,

Only to see nothing but black,

I hear my heart start to pound,

Waiting and waiting for a sound,

Silence is all I hear,

No need to fear,

This is only in my head,

I'm safe in my bed.

There's a reason why I'm flying,

Can't you see I'm dying,

What did you expect?

When my life was wrecked,

You think it should be easy to forget,

While I continue to bounce up and down in this net,

Getting tangled and mixed up again and again,

Maybe I could have stopped it then,

But I was flying too high,

I did not want to come down,

I was afraid to touch the ground,

This is how I coped,

Being all doped.

She told me she was being hurt,

She was only three years old,

I took her away and hid her,

She had to be safe,

They were on thier honey moon,

They would not be back in days,

I thought I had till then,

They kicked my door in,

Kicked my dog across the room,

Choked me in my bathroom,

Made me piss my pants,

Demanded where she was,

Told me they would kill me,

I lived in the guest house,

They dragged me to my mothers house,

They were all asleep,

They dragged my mother out of her bed,

They kicked and kicked her in my back,

They punched her tooth out,

They said we are a family and we will deal with this our way,

( "Gag her and shut her up, they said, or we will silence you,")

( Five of them, my sister, new husband, his sister and his parents.)

I was scared to death they were going to kill my mother,

The house was full of elders sleeping in there beds,

( They heard everything and were so scared,)

I had to do something quickly,

Before it got out of hand,

I backed out of the door,

I ran down the long ass driveway,

Ran next door to a house and yelled for help,

The police when up towards my house,

I ran back home praying my mother would be ok,

Everyone was outside the house,

They made them go home,

Police said they would have done the same if there child was taken too,

I was choked and said you know where she is,

I was told to put her somewhere safe till Monday,

She was with her father,

(They cut the phone lines so we could not phone for help,)

They were going to kill my mother.

( They got three months probation.)

My niece went back to them, the judge did not believe a mother could hurt her own child.

Where do I begin,

With all my sins,

Too many to say,

Maybe on another day,

I have had some troubled times,

A lot to do with crimes,

I was young and taught wrong,

If only then I was strong,

I know it was not worth it,

Not one single bit,

I did'nt care what happened to me,

If only I could have seen what would be,

Spending time alone behind bars,

It left me with many inner scares,

The day I got out to see,

I set myself free,

No more sins would I commit.

It's so not worth it.

Her world has stopped,

Her heart has dropped,

She can no longer breath,

She waits for the death,

It will come very soon,

Storm clouds will move in,

The world will start to spin,

She will scream at the top of her lungs,

"Why did this happen?"

"The one I love has left me,"

I know longer want to live,

Please forgive me for my sins,

Now my enemy wins.

My hands hurt,

My feet hurt,

They burn in pain and are swollen,

Ever since I can remember,

My fingers, my toes always hurt,

I would tell him it hurt,

Please don't do this,

He would say it's fine and continue,

It would hurt so bad,

I would cry so hard,

Too this day I have been doing the same to myself,

He taught me how to crack my fingers and toes,

Why the hell would you do that?

Now it is so hard to stop this,

It always reminds me of him,

Now they're always in pain and swollen.

Something is happening to my head,

It happens when I lay in bed,

All these memories come jumping out,

I feel like I'm sufficating and I want to shout,

Go away and leave me alone,

It happened so long agoe,

Why in the hell is it bothering me again?

After all these years of healing,

I have come back to this part,

The memories of my childhood,

And her broken heart.

Sleep ,how do you do it?

I stay up most of the night?

I'm tired but when I close my eyes,

The memories are there,

I'm on medication to relax,

It does help me a lot,

I force myself to stay awake,

I must hear everything in my home,

I can hear the furnice kick on and off,

The creeks in the floors,

My cats' eating thier food,

I could take a sleeping pill,

This scares me and I would not hear anything,

Have to stay awake to hear my babies too.

Write, write, or you're in trouble,

Keep this journal up so I can read it,

If you forget to write, you will be punished,

You will have things taken away,

I will treat you like shit,

You're my little cinderella,

You do as I say,

As long as you live in my home,

You are my slave nothing else,

Your father belongs to me,

He will choice me,

I will finally have the family I want.

( My daughter being forced to write in a journal everyday with her step mother to read it. She found out alright she wrote in her other journal in the court room. Stupid woman. Right back in your face.This is what happened to my beautiful, strong, loving daughter, I never knew untill she asked for help. Her step mother was so horrible to her. She did get what she wanted her own little family. My daughter got away and is with her loving family now. Love you my dear daughter.)

I'm ready to hunt you down,

I'll hold you in the ground,

You useless piece of skin,

You will not win,

I'm in control now,

You're in the whole,

I'm the strong one,

I have won,

You will hang your head down,

I will see you frown,

Be ready for your sins,

Now your time begins,

I'm looking for you,

You can't hide.

Stop laughing at me when I speek,

I'm telling you how I feel,

I may not make sense to you,

But I do make sense to me,

I know that you care,

Just show it differently,

Show me some compasion,

Please stop and think,

Your words sometimes hurt,

Even though you don't know,

It really does effect me,

Can you not see?

Just rip it out, I don't want it no more,

It hurts too much, just through it on the floor,

It's becoming a bother, it's in the way,

Too hard for me to cope with my day,

It interfears with my thinking,

I feel like I'm sinking,

Deep deep down I go,

Soon it will start to show,

I have to listen to my mind,

I have to start being kind,

It's not my heart that hurts,

It's the child's heart in me,

I feel I have two hearts,

One for me now,

One for that lost little girl,

I'm a grown adult now, 

I'm not that child no more,

It's time for me to let her go.

When I was 13 years old, after I told I was put in a foster home. One day from there, my mother came to pick me up for the day to go see my aunt and uncle ( my fathers) sister. They did not know yet what he had done to me. I thought it was for me to go and speek with them and tell them about it. I remember how I felt about this, I had a huge pain in my throat and I was sweating. We arrived at there home and walked in and sat on their couch. They asked how we have been and said nice to see you guys. It was not like us to just show up and visit. They knew something was up. I slowly started talking about what has been happening and what has become the outcome of it all. They were shocked, my aunt just looked at me with tears and said I'm sorry for this to happen to you and walked out of the room. My uncle however continued to talk for awhile to comfort me. He then told me, they would disown him and never speek with him again. Then out of know where after a pause, he told me that we shall not have anymore contact with eachother because he felt there was no need to. My father would be out of the picture and what would be the point in staying in contact with us. Wished me well and we left. I was, as my mother in complete shock and discust with what just happened. I had nothing but anger with them for many many years until just recently I found them on facebook and they accepted my freindship on it. At first I just wanted to tell them how much of fucken assholes  I thought they were but, something held me back for awhile. I found out there son my cousin, passed away not to long agoe. They would not tell me how. Still don't know. I have talked with them a few times and they have told me they have always loved me and are behind me 100% in anything I want to have happen with my father. So with me just holding onto those words I was to say to them, they came forward and told me in there way "we have always loved and cared for you." I except this but still have the pain of not having them in my life when I needed them the most. I have forgiven them though. To move forward with that. I figure they did not know who to deal with it, so this is what they thought they needed to do. 

I was searching my birth name on google awhile back and came across an add from some lady looking for info. on great grandparents and long lost cousins. As I was reading it, my fathers name and aunts  names were on it. I was like, holly crap this is neat. I wrote to her and told her who I was and she contacted me back several months later. I was shocked to read that she is my great aunt that only lives a city over. I have been keeping close contact with her via email and we have become very good friends. I did leave a message on my aunts email but she has not responed back to it. This would be her chose not mine. I was to go see my great aunt this weekend but my teenage daughter is very ill right now and I will be too busy in the hospital with her and I need to stay by her side. She emailed me back and said  this was fine she is not well either, she stated that this is not the place meaning email, she wanted to tell me this but, she has cancer. It went and now it is back at full force and nothing can be done. She asked me not to shed tears for her and said she was going to be with god soon enough. She said we will meet soon.

Well shit, I'm feeling empty and left with pain in my heart right now because of this news. My heart hurts so bad because we have not even met face to face yet. I hope we do before it is too late. I will make this happen.

I just wanted to also say that in our messages back and forth, she was abused too in her childhood. So our connection is very strong. Her words to me are always incouraging and so helpful. She has this powerful message of forgiving and moving on when we speak. I do believe I was ment to find her. She is an angle I have yet not seen but feel.

As she sits in the middle of her four walls,

She starts to feel closed in and is ready for the fall,

She can't seem to take anymore and is feeling resentful,

Her life has become very uneventful,

All she does is sit in her house,

Has no time for nothing else,

When will it be her time to go out?

So she sits here and dwells about her life,

I sometimes wonder why I became a wife.

Pass me the bottle I have not had enough,

I still have too many feelings in my brain,

Numb my senses and take away my pain,

This seemed the only way for me along time a go,

Then I discovered that I will try soom blow,

Money was no issue for me way back when,

I had all the money I needed to spend,

This went on till I had no chose,

It was fix yourself up or die,

I woke up and through it all away,

This is when I started to pray,

I felt so much peace within myself,

I stopped putting my memories on the shelf,

It did'nt happen over night,

It actually took quit a fight,

I'm proud to say on this very day,

I survived it and I'm here to stay.

Looking through my front room window I'm mesmerized by city workers,

They're  fighting with a broken water line,

I start to overflow with build up and pressure somehow,

It's starting to flood the road,

I feel some what trapped,

What will happen if I am flooded in?

How will I survive such a flood?

They're frantically running around and yelling amongst each other,

Trying so desperately to stop the water,

Then I hear a loud bang, oh shit, here it comes,

Water pumping out in all directions,

Releasing all its' anger and pain,

Everyone is working together to stop the disater of this flood,

Suddenly everyone, everything feezes,

I walk out the door and nothing, nobody is moving,

I'm not sure if this is real or a dream,

I look around and not even hear a sound,

I walk back inside and look back out my window,

There is nothing there, no water, no people, just emptiness.

In a croud full of people,

Overwhelmed by the noise,

Everything starts to echo,

I feel like I'm going to faint,

I stand out from the croud,

I'm spinning in a circle,

Everyone is surrounding me,

I feel like I can't breath,

I close my eyes and  drift away,

Her eyes pop open wide,

Now she wants to play,

She runs around and starts to laugh,

Everyone looks at her and laughs back,

She does'nt care what she is doing,

She escaped from my body and now is playing,

All eyes on her as she starts to run,

She then stops suddenly and is scared,

She jumps back in and I appear.

All I wanted was to feel loved,

So I went from one to the other in my hunt,

My line up was long and took time to get to the front,

I'm not proud of what I did and how many,

I had my daughter when I was twenty,

This slowed me down and I waited for awhile,

I guess one would say it was just my style,

I did'nt seem to know any better,

Until one day I got a letter,

This letter was from my daughter,

My tears poured out like water,

She told me I become someone else,

A person that did'nt care about herself,

It was because I put everything on the shelf,

I did'nt want to be alone anymore,

I was now becoming a whore,

I was desperate to find love,

I have found it, been ten years now,

Since I took my vow.

All my brusies have slowly healed,

All my scares have a story to tell,

Most of them are from my abuse,

Some are from my early days of booze,

I'm covered from head to toe,

I hope it does'nt show,

The most pain af all,

Is when I fall,

My heart starts to break in half,

Then I hear him laugh,

I Know it's only in my head,

To me he is dead,

One day I will feel full of life,

Then I will put away my knife.

I used to live in a secret, dark cave,

I would hide in it all day,

No one could ever find me,

They would never think to look there,

I would peek my head out at night,

To make sure no one was in my sight,

I would jump back in when I heard a sound,

Sometimes I would hear foot steps on the ground,

I would sit in silence to not be heard,

This made me feel so absurd,

I was just an invisible creature,

Waiting for my prey to attack,

Was I that pathetic I had to hide,

Maybe I should have just lied,

I prayed and opened my eyes,

Then I felt myself rise,

It was only to my surprise how strong I felt,

I felt my pain and suffering just melt,

I walked out of my cave with my head up high,

I walked up to my father and asked him WHY?

There were family and friends all around,

All he could do was hang his head down,

I heard the whispers and people start talking,

My mother came up to me and asked me what's wrong,

I told her what my father did to me has made me strong,

She looked in my eyes and then she cried,

It felt to me like someone died,

I will never forget this glorious day,

I finally told and finally got my way.

I

I wonder what he is doing right now?

Is he hurting someone else?

Why do I sit and think like this?

It only rips me apart.

I pray for just one day to have some peace.

Not think of what he might be doing.

Instead try and picture him being good.

I laugh at this because I don't think he could.

It is not in his cards to be so kind.

The devil has taken him over.

Now god will take him down.

Where did I go wrong,

I feel so far from my home,

Help me find my way,

I'm all alone,

My days are so long,

Only filled with wrong,

I want to feel joy,

I should not feel like this,

There is too much to love,

They will start to miss,

I have to find my way back,

I'm too far away from home.

My friends, are they my friends?

Sometimes I don't think so.

I think they pretend.

I have a few good friends.

Even they seem to pretend.

So the only friends I do have,

Are the ones on here.

The ones that understand.

The ones that care.

So thank you for being my friend.

I value each and every one of you.

There are a lot of things that I'm not proud about my sister. She is a troubled Lady at the age of 40 years old. Always a new boyfreind everytime I see her. It's pretty bad when X-Mas comes and we all have a bet going on to see if it's a new guy coming for dinner. Always sleeping around and still since the age of 13 years old.  I call her a me me because she only talks about herself and never asks about anyone else. I mean she has only seen my children maybe 10 times since they were born she lives 40 mins. away. Ya, she's a me me. She only admits to some abuse and it is only the physical part. She told me and still tells me she was not sexualy abused, but she was. I saw. This is not what I wanted to talk about though. I will get into this stuff another time. I wanted to continue with the past message I wrote on Jason my sisters' ex. boyfriend from way back. If you don't know what I am talking about you will have to read the entry on Memory I wish I never had.

My sister has not heard from Jason till just of recent being like 2 months agoe. My mother told me over a conversation on the phone. She was terribly upset with her and said that my sister is talking with Jason. He found her some how and they have been talking. Well, he is married with 2 young babies like me and told my sister he was not hapy and wanted a divorce. Shit right there my sister should have said sorry for your troubles and I wish you luck. Not he stupid lady he ends up sleeping over at her house. Ya, stupid. Why in the hell would you even get involved with a married man and with babies for frick sakes. Anyway she told mom all about it, my mom let her have it. I thought this was a very low thing to do. She does not know about what he and his roomate did to me. I think she might be secretly seeing him now. This is fucken shit, I don't know what to do or even say to her. She is the type to explode on me and say I lied or something like that. I'm concerned however because she does have MS and is not functioning like one should with thinking. All I know is if I ever see him, I will be first scraching his eyes out and then a baseball bat to his balls. Well, then you would think holly shit this must really of happened or I'm completly crazy. I would only hope in my sisters case she does not bring him around. I just don't know what to do.

If you could only see,

How much you hurt me,

Our life together would always be,

You would sing me a song,

I would know I belong,

Why did it have to be this way,

All you had to do was say,

I love you,

Forever and ever,

You are my liitle girl,

You are the world to me,

I'll sing you this song,

Then when I'm gone,

You will always remember,

I loved you.

,

Ten more pounds is all it will take,

I keep on saying this,

For me to get back to my weight,

When I get there it's not good enough,

I still feel very large,

Yet everyone says I'm not,

They all think I'm getting to thin,

I look in the mirrow and it speaks different to me,

I hate to look at myself,

I look too large,

Yet everyone says I'm not,

I'm lost in how I feel,

I'm lost in how I look,

I'm not happy in my body,

So ten more pounds I might be better.

I know I will be lighter.

I'm on my rollercoaster,

Up and away I go,

I get to the top and drop,

I scream with excitment,

Down I go,

The wind is blowing me back,

I feel an incredible rush,

I'm my child again,

Full of happiness and joy,

I don't want it to end,

I wish I could go forever,

Just feel this rush of life,

But now it has stopped,

Now I walk back to my disaster.

This was a question I was asked by mother one day.

We are playing in my room with barbies.

We are talking back and forth on my floor.

I go and do a check up with my barbie.

I ask her why she hurts.

I look up at my mother.

She smiling down at me.

My barbie says it's a secret.

There is nothing wrong with me.

My mother said, you want to be a doctor?

I said she I do.

She said why a doctor?

I said because I will keep their secret.

I will make their pain go away.

I guess she did not understand,

I was trying to tell her something,

She got up and left the room,

I felt alone and empty again.

My sister had this boyfriend for quit a few years. She is 4 years older then me. He became part of our family we all loved him dearly. He was that older brother I always wanted. One day I never saw him again, my sister and him broke up. We found out from a phone call from his father a year after, that he was in a terrible accident. He was going to be ok, but he was drinking and driving and hit a girl in the other lane of traffic dead on. She died before even reaching the hospital. We were all so horribly upset knowing he had killed an innocent person. He went to prison, he got 5 years, ya that's right 5 years for killing someone. I hated him for doing what he did. Well, he got out and called my mother, I happen to be there and we talked and he wanted to meet up with me and talk. I did miss him and just wanted to see his face. I was 23 years old. I met him at his home, and met his roomate. At the time I did not know this was his cell mate in prison. We went for dinner and had a nice talk, I was alittle on edge to the fact I did not know what to even talk about. After dinner we went back to his house, as I drove and had to bring him home. He invited me in and we had a drink. Beer to be exact. He and his roomate asked if I wanted to go to the club down from there place for a drink or two and do some dancing. Me being an alcholic at that time in my life thought hell ya why not, free booze. I'm in. We were all having fun, drinking, dancing and it was getting late and I thought I better stop drinking and sober up a bit before I have to drive them back home and drive home myself. Well that did'nt happen. It gets a little blurry now. I am not sure how we got back to there house and who even drove. I remember feeling very dizzy and light headed, complety out of it. Drunk yes, but this was differnent. Long story short because this is painful  to remember and talk about. They took advantage of me. Both at the same time, however I did'nt tell them no and stop. I could not even talk, but I did have some control over my body, so I could have fought but, I did not. I do know they vidoe taped it. I remember seeing a camera up in a corner of the room, the room was set up with red curtains all around, and candles everywhere. I must have passed out, woke to being in a bed with him, his name is Jason, on me having sex with me. I was out of it, dry and it hurt so bad, I did tell him to stop your hurting me but he did'nt. I woke the next morning and I was clothed and laying alone in Jasons bed. I remember stuff now, but I did not back then. I got up and looked to where everyone was and Jason was in the room we were in and clening it up. There was wax all over the place, but the cutains were gone. I asked what happened and he said the candles were left on all night. He said that he had a v ery busy day and I must go now and he would call and talk with me later. I was to confused with everything, I left and drove home crying all the way thinking I had done something wrong and it was all my fault this happened, but I was not quit sure what happened. Now I know, they drugged me. There is a conclusion to this story that I will share later. I never told my sister about this, but I did tell my mother and she wanted to kill him. Thanks for listening.

What will become of you if you stay silent?

Will you survive this abuse?

Will you end up abusing yourself?

Worst thing ever, would you abuse someone else?

Spreading the silence is the hardest thing to do.

Once this is done, you will start to see a new you.

Getting the help you need is important.

Search deep down into your soul.

You will find the answer.

The answer will make you whole.

Where do you go when you think you have no home?

Do you wonder the streets?

Do you sit in the park?

Waiting in the dark,

Hoping you don't get hurt,

Kicking your feet in the dirt,

Looking around at all the sounds,

Watching all the people pacing the grounds,

You then get up and keep on walking,

Someone runs up to you and starts talking,

The look in your eyes must have scared him off,

Next thing you know you run into the cops,

They ask if you are all right,

You tell them you are getting some air,

 Really all you want to say, is do you really care,

You keep on walking till you find somewhere to hide,

You find your place,

You feel somewhat safe,

It's starting to get light out,

You get up and look around,

To find a card on the ground,

It says, we followed you tonight,

To help you see the light,

We stayed with you all night,

Hold our hand and we will stand,

With you through this.

Love you,

Mom and Dad.

I wish I was bird,

So I could fly away,

Never to be found,

Never to be heard,

The freedom I would have,

To do whatever I want,

Go where ever I want,

To just be free and fly,

Way up in the sky,

Never to look down,

Never to have a frown,

This would be the life.