So my fathers name is Ron. I fucken hate this name, hmm I wonder why? I never had a friend named Ron nor would I ever have a boyfriend named Ron. Now that  I think about it, I don't know any Rons. I was at my mothers tonight bringing the babies over for their treats and my sister was there all dressed up for halloween, with her new boyfriend number 800 or something like that. Guess what?, his name is Ron. I just stood there for a while and looked at him. With a stupid look on my face. Then I shook his hand and said nice to meet you which, must of looked really stupid because I had a twich in my right eye and a crooked smile. I felt so retarted. This is what I do when I'm stressed about something. I could tell he felt a little off from my welcome. Well, shit I would too. I could not help it, his fucken name is Ron. It triggered me, I was ready to attack. He had  the perfect costume on too,he was in a prisoner suit and my sister was a cop. I looked at my sister puzzled because I know she does not like this name either. This almost felt like a dream and now I can't stop laughing while I'm writing this because if you could only be in my brain for that moment or even a fly on the wall, you would of found some great humor in this. Anyway something stupid and random to share. Sorry for my words I was just venting.

 My very first post I put on here was about me forgiving my father but not forgetting. I had a session today for the first time since I was 21 years old. I was scared, nervous but it went ok. I will be going on a mild medication to help me through these times. As I was talking I told her how I can't wait to be able to tell him a few things in the court room, if I get that chance. She said well what would you tell him? I just frooze and then started to cry, I said I guess I would ask him why? But then I would want to tell him I forgive him and I love him. As I said this I could not stop crying and that's when it hit me that I don't forgive him. I don't have to forgive him, he took my childhood away, he destroyed me having relationships to this day, so many things that I know every survivor feels. Fuck him, he has made me feel so ashamed and guilty as a child till now with me telling that today is the day I will not feel this way know more. I thought I was past all this shit, but I am not and I am angry again. So no I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM, NOR DO I WANT TO. Not right now, when I die yes, not right now. I am not ready. I am in pain again.

Today is a horrible day for me, I sat down with my husband today and talked about how I was feeling. The shit hit the fan, I told him awhile back about my past and he was upset for me but I was ok with it all and just wanted to move on. Well, I can't fucken help that it all has come back to me and now that I want to take my father to court.  His comment today crushed me, he said I don't understand why all of a sudden you are having problems again and I told him before hand that this will at least  for the next 2 years which it going to be a battle for me. He was like well great this is something to look forward to. I was like what the fuck, what kind of support is this. I was so mad and shaken from this, I just could'nt stop crying so, I got on the phone and called my support being my mother and this is what she said, " Melanie you are a very strong lady who has been through so much pain and suffering as a child and as now an adult, you have to put yourself first besides the children, they come first and mend yourself. Don't push all this back under the carpet , you are ready to move forward and take your father to court, do it now or it will hit you again maybe when you are 60 years old and then what will you do? I am so proud of you , you have come so far and are an inspiration to others and deserve nothing but the best. I love you dearly. Please be strong." Fuck I did'nt know what to say I just cryed. I got ahold of myself somehow, well most likely cause I had to make dinner for my babies, I went to my husband and said, "all right this is the deal, I am going through a major transition in my life right now, I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how bad it will get for me, either you stand by me and support me and help me through this the best way you can or you will have to make your own choices of wanting to be here or not. This is my time to heal and finsih what I should have finished along time agoe." Well, he was alittle taken back and said Ok. See, this abuse has made me so strong that I am sometimes blinded by it.  I feel better for letting this out. But I am still going on medication to keep me level and clear headed while I am going through this.