It's hard to look at her beautiful precious eyes,
All I remember at this age is all the scary lies,
She plays so peacefully with her little brother,
I would hide in closets and scream for my mother,
Words come out of her mouth so innocent, pure and sweet,
Mine where hidden in my mind if I dare share I would be beat,
She's so young and smart and tells me everything of her day,
I always sat in silence I was too scared to even say,
So now I relive my childhood through her eyes,
I pretend I'm her with no endless lies.
Looking back at all those years,
Living with pain and constant fears,
One would think how did you survive,
All I say is I'm stoked to be alive,
At one time I wanted to die,
That was my brain telling me a lie,
You may feel like hell is on earth,
But wait till you experience a new birth,
It does get better only you can make it happen.
Walking through a crowd,
I look across the way,
A child looks me in my eyes,
We lock eyes,
I read her like I understand,
I smile, she lowers her head in shame,
I feel her hurt, her pain.
I look at who is holding her hand,
An anger man with dreadful eyes,
We lock eyes,
I read him but, I don't understand,
I give him a sad look,
He senses my thoughts,
He lowers his head to the ground.
So innocent so pure.
This age I remember the most.
She plays and laughs.
She's free spirit and joy.
I sat in silence and cried.
I never played, I hid.
I look at her and I heal.
She is me at the age of three.
So innocent so pure.
Why are my friends aloud to play?
As I close my eyes and pray.
Dear lord why are they so happy?
As I sit here feeling crappie.
Do they have hurt and pain?
Do they hold it all in shame?
Am I the only one?
I don't think so.
These days are flying by too fast,
I wish it was like this in my past,
Those days seemed endless, dragged on,
Only to have today and yesterday be gone,
I'm worried what the future will bring,
I'm waiting for my phone to ring,
Please give me the answer I wish to hear,
Of the one so close to me I call dear,
She struggles day in and out,
"Wait"! my phone won't ring, it's me I'm talking about.
Turn the switch on,
Turn the switch off,
Her eyes shut tight,
Her eyes wide open,
The evil is in,
Is there more to life than living?
I think it's all about giving,
Some may say it's about forgiving,
Once you've been hurt,
You're put on alert,
How can one then think there's more?
When all you do is fight in this war,
Staying positive is hard to do,
When negative sticks to you like glue,
Well I say yes there's more to life,
It's on the end of my knife,
I don't mean to scare you,
I cut deep down into view,
Of my damaged heart and put in a new one,
This one shines like a summer sun,
There's more to life, this I know,
Cause if you look at me I glow.:)
As my heart crumbles and scatters to the ground,
It still manages to make this incredible sound,
It starts to mend the pieces together one by one,
Some fit and some get stuck and feel like a ton,
As they slowing go back into place,
I somehow feel like I'm in a race,
My heart starts to pound and I feel so alive,
I feel the strength and I know I can survive.
I took a bath last night for me time,
I had a sented candle going,
I layed in the hot water,
Turned off my mind,
Thought of nothing,
I was in darkness with a tint of light,
No sound, just my heart beat,
Deep breath in and exhale,
I was in complete meditation,
Then something happened,
I felt light and I floated,
I started to pray to God,
Set me free from all this past,
Make me whole and happy,
Take away and forgive me for my sins,
Forgive all that has hurt me,
Let me have what I want,
What I want is to be me,
My inner child to be at peace.
Our beautiful Christmas tree,
All done up and ready to enjoy,
Gathered around are my children playing,
I turn my head for a moment,
My little monkey is climbing the tree,
Down it comes and hits the ground,
Monkey number two is under it,
My eyes tear up with laughter,
For my children who are under the tree,
They were not hurt nor was the tree,
But this is a moment that will be talked about year after year.
It's dark and cold in her world today,
No one to talk to,
Nobody seems to care,
What made her be this way?
Was there ever a clue?
I always would say a prayer,
There must be a reason why,
I guess we will never know,
Ya, I'm hurt somewhat,
It's time to say goodbye,
We all took a blow,
Right in the gut.
After awhile you learn the subtile difference,
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
You learn that love does'nt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses are'nt contracts,
And presents are'nt promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman/man,
Not the grief of a child,
And learn to build your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After awhile you learn that even sunshine,
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate,
Your own soul instead of waiting,
For someone to bring you flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth,
And you learn and learn and learn .........
Waking in the night I struggle and look around,
Shaking at the sight I see laying on my ground,
It's dark and big with gleaming red eyes,
I freeze and stop breathing as it starts to rise,
My heart is pounding and I want to scream out,
My voice seems to be paralyzed for me to shout,
I hear my mothers voice telling my father to leave me alone,
Did she know he was about to hurt me?
Or is this just a dream?
It is 'nt nice to make fun of me,
I'm very angry can't you see,
Leave me alone and play by yourself,
Or I will run and hide and hurt myself,
That's all you ever do is make me cry,
It's sad that a four year old wants to die,
You are just as evil as our dad,
I will never forget the things you did to me,
This is very very sad.
As I toss and turn all through the endless night,
I wonder what's in store for me at morning light,
Will I wake a little rested and be stoked to be alive,
Or will I just lay there and wonder how I will survive,
This is my choice that I have to make,
I choose to get up and give my head a shake,
For I have already survived my broken past,
Now if only I can make how I feel now last,
I say I will move forward and be positive everyday,
Then be discouraged about it all the very next day,
All I can do is continue in the direction I'm going,
I am very proud of myself and it's showing.
I hear her screams in the middle of the night,
I try to tell her to breath it will be all right,
It will all pass soon and she will sleep,
All she does later is lay there and weep,
Covered in her blanket of secrets and shame,
Thinking to herself that she is to blame,
Next time it happens I will take her away,
I fly her up high and we play in the sky,
We will float around until she feels no pain,
I'm her protector I'm in her brain.
All I see is darkness and tear drops,
I try so hard to catch them before they die,
There are so many flowing down my face,
Each one is a memory of all the years of pain,
I watch them as they hit the ground,
One after another they bounce around,
A puddle forms below my feet,
I can know longer weep,
As I look into my reflection,
I can see my eyes light up,
The puddle is disappearing,
My memories are drying up.
A portrait of a beautiful strong woman,
Standing tall and brave,
From a man with such talent,
And the biggest heart of all,
Thousands of hand-drawn dots,
A new dot pops up everyday,
A dot being you/me,
A survivor of rape,
A survivor of sexual abuse,
And an understanding supporter,
To be involved in such a wonderful project,
Helping one another,
Healing myself/yourself along the way,
Makes me feel like a beautiful strong woman,
Who can conquer anything every single day,
You/me can stand beautiful, stand tall and stand brave.
The battle of remembering is forgetting where it came from,
It used to look me straight in the eyes,
The evil and demon corrosive ways would bleed into my soul,
Leaving nothing but fright and disgrace,
Making its way to an open gate,
Too many to fight off with no protection,
Left me with intense moments of annihilatation.
Deep inside lives an unseen personality,
She's confined to her loneliness,
The intensity of it all is increasing,
Digging and pulling her way to the light,
Getting frustrated because she can't get out,
What makes her stay and give up so easy?
She needs to get out to breath,
If she does'nt everthing will collapse,
Then the unknown will be gone forever.
The impact of your skin is blazing my hand,
It rockets an earthquake to my heart,
Makes me feel uncanny,
I feel like a child,
I want to run and dissappear,
I get anxious and overwhelmed,
Even just a touch can trigger me off.
As I close my eyes and think in my mind,
How will I escape from this extreme distress?
What will make me feel alive and valuable?
How will I come to realise that I can do and be anything?
As I close my eyes and think in my mind,
I will speek out and not be afraid,
I will love myself and honor my past,
I will push myself to the limits to become the best I can.
As I open my eyes I am not afraid.
I feel beautiful today and so I breath so well,
But yet so ugly to be seen and it's so sufficating,
I stretch with strength and feel powerful,
But yet shrink with weakness for I am powerless,
I see brightness and happiness,
But yet dullness is and sadness is still there,
I have forgave and bandaged my soul,
But yet my forgiveness sometimes fails my bleeding heart.
My journey of healing has been a long one,
I know I will be in it for the long run,
Many many years it took to find me,
I thought I was lost but I was always here,
I was stuck in my mind of misery,
Always asking why me?
Well, I was given this life for a reason,
Without it I would not be who I am today,
I would not trade my life for anything,
I love who I am right now,
I would not have what I have today.
My family, my friends,
And all of you.xo
I will forever remember your beautiful eyes,
I will sit for a moment with my silent cries,
Your heart is so loving and strong,
Why did things have to go so wrong,
Look over the one that hurts so bad,
Help her to not be sad,
She needs an angle by her side,
I am afraid her world will collide,
Keep her safe.
Thank you for this memory,
I was young and so excited,
Easter when I was 4 years old,
I looked outside and saw bunny prints,
With two big pink bunnies at our bridge,
I ran out all excited and happy,
This was such a wonderful day,
Everyone was cheerful and laughing,
Thank you for this memory,
A day I could play.
For all the times I was so scared and hid between the walls,
I could hear your screams within yourself as you walked down the hall,
You turned into the devil and dragged me down to hell,
But deep inside I knew I would survive because I was strongmel,
I always knew when you were drunk from that terrible smell,
It made me turn invisible and turn into my shell,
Even though I endured this abuse,
I felt there was your excuse,
You became the devil from your drinking,
And it brought you down to hell sinking.
Peek around the corner of the door,
You will find a big hole in the floor,
Jump down in and cover your head,
Just pretent that you are dead,
Remember to not make a sound,
Or else you will be found,
You are safe for the night,
As long as you keep quite,
Tomorrow will come and he will be gone,
You'll find another place to hide before dawn.
Do you ever stand in a room full of people and feel alone?
Do you feel like you're drifting up above the crowd?
No one seems to even notice you.
It's like you are'nt even there.
Everyone speeks at the same time.
The words make no sense.
You stand there like a statue.
No one seems to even care.
You end up being the last one there.
The lights turn out.
The doors shut.
You are in darkness.
You try to find your way out.
You think you are locked in.
You bang on a door.
Asking someone to let you out.
You find an unlocked door.
You open it.
No one there.
Music kept me going,
Also kept me glowing,
I used to sing in bands,
It was so cool to see clapping hands,
I became someone else on stage,
I became a different age,
It felt so good to sing out loud,
And not be afraid of the crowd,
This is what kept me going,
It was slowly showing,
That I could become a character on stage,
And make a good wage,
I will always remember those times,
I wish I was there again sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder what's the right thing,
I wait for the answer, what will it bring?
Should I let go of my past?
Should I put myself last?
I get frustrated and confused,
I sometimes even feel used,
I know I should come first,
But I was told I was cursed,
With nothing but bad stuff,
It's really been tough,
So what should I do?
I have know clue,
I ask myself every day, should I let it all go?
I just don't know.
A whisper wakes me in the night,
I wrap my blanket around me tight,
I open my eyes just a crack,
Only to see nothing but black,
I hear my heart start to pound,
Waiting and waiting for a sound,
Silence is all I hear,
No need to fear,
This is only in my head,
I'm safe in my bed.
There's a reason why I'm flying,
Can't you see I'm dying,
What did you expect?
When my life was wrecked,
You think it should be easy to forget,
While I continue to bounce up and down in this net,
Getting tangled and mixed up again and again,
Maybe I could have stopped it then,
But I was flying too high,
I did not want to come down,
I was afraid to touch the ground,
This is how I coped,
Being all doped.
Where do I begin,
With all my sins,
Too many to say,
Maybe on another day,
I have had some troubled times,
A lot to do with crimes,
I was young and taught wrong,
If only then I was strong,
I know it was not worth it,
Not one single bit,
I did'nt care what happened to me,
If only I could have seen what would be,
Spending time alone behind bars,
It left me with many inner scares,
The day I got out to see,
I set myself free,
No more sins would I commit.
It's so not worth it.
Her world has stopped,
Her heart has dropped,
She can no longer breath,
She waits for the death,
It will come very soon,
Storm clouds will move in,
The world will start to spin,
She will scream at the top of her lungs,
"Why did this happen?"
"The one I love has left me,"
I know longer want to live,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Now my enemy wins.
Something is happening to my head,
It happens when I lay in bed,
All these memories come jumping out,
I feel like I'm sufficating and I want to shout,
Go away and leave me alone,
It happened so long agoe,
Why in the hell is it bothering me again?
After all these years of healing,
I have come back to this part,
The memories of my childhood,
And her broken heart.
Write, write, or you're in trouble,
Keep this journal up so I can read it,
If you forget to write, you will be punished,
You will have things taken away,
I will treat you like shit,
You're my little cinderella,
You do as I say,
As long as you live in my home,
You are my slave nothing else,
Your father belongs to me,
He will choice me,
I will finally have the family I want.
( My daughter being forced to write in a journal everyday with her step mother to read it. She found out alright she wrote in her other journal in the court room. Stupid woman. Right back in your face.This is what happened to my beautiful, strong, loving daughter, I never knew untill she asked for help. Her step mother was so horrible to her. She did get what she wanted her own little family. My daughter got away and is with her loving family now. Love you my dear daughter.)
I'm ready to hunt you down,
I'll hold you in the ground,
You useless piece of skin,
You will not win,
I'm in control now,
You're in the whole,
I'm the strong one,
I have won,
You will hang your head down,
I will see you frown,
Be ready for your sins,
Now your time begins,
I'm looking for you,
You can't hide.
Stop laughing at me when I speek,
I'm telling you how I feel,
I may not make sense to you,
But I do make sense to me,
I know that you care,
Just show it differently,
Show me some compasion,
Please stop and think,
Your words sometimes hurt,
Even though you don't know,
It really does effect me,
Can you not see?
Just rip it out, I don't want it no more,
It hurts too much, just through it on the floor,
It's becoming a bother, it's in the way,
Too hard for me to cope with my day,
It interfears with my thinking,
I feel like I'm sinking,
Deep deep down I go,
Soon it will start to show,
I have to listen to my mind,
I have to start being kind,
It's not my heart that hurts,
It's the child's heart in me,
I feel I have two hearts,
One for me now,
One for that lost little girl,
I'm a grown adult now,
I'm not that child no more,
It's time for me to let her go.
As she sits in the middle of her four walls,
She starts to feel closed in and is ready for the fall,
She can't seem to take anymore and is feeling resentful,
Her life has become very uneventful,
All she does is sit in her house,
Has no time for nothing else,
When will it be her time to go out?
So she sits here and dwells about her life,
I sometimes wonder why I became a wife.
Pass me the bottle I have not had enough,
I still have too many feelings in my brain,
Numb my senses and take away my pain,
This seemed the only way for me along time a go,
Then I discovered that I will try soom blow,
Money was no issue for me way back when,
I had all the money I needed to spend,
This went on till I had no chose,
It was fix yourself up or die,
I woke up and through it all away,
This is when I started to pray,
I felt so much peace within myself,
I stopped putting my memories on the shelf,
It did'nt happen over night,
It actually took quit a fight,
I'm proud to say on this very day,
I survived it and I'm here to stay.
Looking through my front room window I'm mesmerized by city workers,
They're fighting with a broken water line,
I start to overflow with build up and pressure somehow,
It's starting to flood the road,
I feel some what trapped,
What will happen if I am flooded in?
How will I survive such a flood?
They're frantically running around and yelling amongst each other,
Trying so desperately to stop the water,
Then I hear a loud bang, oh shit, here it comes,
Water pumping out in all directions,
Releasing all its' anger and pain,
Everyone is working together to stop the disater of this flood,
Suddenly everyone, everything feezes,
I walk out the door and nothing, nobody is moving,
I'm not sure if this is real or a dream,
I look around and not even hear a sound,
I walk back inside and look back out my window,
There is nothing there, no water, no people, just emptiness.
In a croud full of people,
Overwhelmed by the noise,
Everything starts to echo,
I feel like I'm going to faint,
I stand out from the croud,
I'm spinning in a circle,
Everyone is surrounding me,
I feel like I can't breath,
I close my eyes and drift away,
Her eyes pop open wide,
Now she wants to play,
She runs around and starts to laugh,
Everyone looks at her and laughs back,
She does'nt care what she is doing,
She escaped from my body and now is playing,
All eyes on her as she starts to run,
She then stops suddenly and is scared,
She jumps back in and I appear.
All I wanted was to feel loved,
So I went from one to the other in my hunt,
My line up was long and took time to get to the front,
I'm not proud of what I did and how many,
I had my daughter when I was twenty,
This slowed me down and I waited for awhile,
I guess one would say it was just my style,
I did'nt seem to know any better,
Until one day I got a letter,
This letter was from my daughter,
My tears poured out like water,
She told me I become someone else,
A person that did'nt care about herself,
It was because I put everything on the shelf,
I did'nt want to be alone anymore,
I was now becoming a whore,
I was desperate to find love,
I have found it, been ten years now,
Since I took my vow.
All my brusies have slowly healed,
All my scares have a story to tell,
Most of them are from my abuse,
Some are from my early days of booze,
I'm covered from head to toe,
I hope it does'nt show,
The most pain af all,
Is when I fall,
My heart starts to break in half,
Then I hear him laugh,
I Know it's only in my head,
To me he is dead,
One day I will feel full of life,
Then I will put away my knife.
I used to live in a secret, dark cave,
I would hide in it all day,
No one could ever find me,
They would never think to look there,
I would peek my head out at night,
To make sure no one was in my sight,
I would jump back in when I heard a sound,
Sometimes I would hear foot steps on the ground,
I would sit in silence to not be heard,
This made me feel so absurd,
I was just an invisible creature,
Waiting for my prey to attack,
Was I that pathetic I had to hide,
Maybe I should have just lied,
I prayed and opened my eyes,
Then I felt myself rise,
It was only to my surprise how strong I felt,
I felt my pain and suffering just melt,
I walked out of my cave with my head up high,
I walked up to my father and asked him WHY?
There were family and friends all around,
All he could do was hang his head down,
I heard the whispers and people start talking,
My mother came up to me and asked me what's wrong,
I told her what my father did to me has made me strong,
She looked in my eyes and then she cried,
It felt to me like someone died,
I will never forget this glorious day,
I finally told and finally got my way.
I wonder what he is doing right now?
Is he hurting someone else?
Why do I sit and think like this?
It only rips me apart.
I pray for just one day to have some peace.
Not think of what he might be doing.
Instead try and picture him being good.
I laugh at this because I don't think he could.
It is not in his cards to be so kind.
The devil has taken him over.
Now god will take him down.
Where did I go wrong,
I feel so far from my home,
Help me find my way,
I'm all alone,
My days are so long,
Only filled with wrong,
I want to feel joy,
I should not feel like this,
There is too much to love,
They will start to miss,
I have to find my way back,
I'm too far away from home.
If you could only see,
How much you hurt me,
Our life together would always be,
You would sing me a song,
I would know I belong,
Why did it have to be this way,
All you had to do was say,
I love you,
Forever and ever,
You are my liitle girl,
You are the world to me,
I'll sing you this song,
Then when I'm gone,
You will always remember,
I loved you.
Ten more pounds is all it will take,
I keep on saying this,
For me to get back to my weight,
When I get there it's not good enough,
I still feel very large,
Yet everyone says I'm not,
They all think I'm getting to thin,
I look in the mirrow and it speaks different to me,
I hate to look at myself,
I look too large,
Yet everyone says I'm not,
I'm lost in how I feel,
I'm lost in how I look,
I'm not happy in my body,
So ten more pounds I might be better.
I know I will be lighter.
I'm on my rollercoaster,
Up and away I go,
I get to the top and drop,
I scream with excitment,
Down I go,
The wind is blowing me back,
I feel an incredible rush,
I'm my child again,
Full of happiness and joy,
I don't want it to end,
I wish I could go forever,
Just feel this rush of life,
But now it has stopped,
Now I walk back to my disaster.
This was a question I was asked by mother one day.
We are playing in my room with barbies.
We are talking back and forth on my floor.
I go and do a check up with my barbie.
I ask her why she hurts.
I look up at my mother.
She smiling down at me.
My barbie says it's a secret.
There is nothing wrong with me.
My mother said, you want to be a doctor?
I said she I do.
She said why a doctor?
I said because I will keep their secret.
I will make their pain go away.
I guess she did not understand,
I was trying to tell her something,
She got up and left the room,
I felt alone and empty again.
What will become of you if you stay silent?
Will you survive this abuse?
Will you end up abusing yourself?
Worst thing ever, would you abuse someone else?
Spreading the silence is the hardest thing to do.
Once this is done, you will start to see a new you.
Getting the help you need is important.
Search deep down into your soul.
You will find the answer.
The answer will make you whole.
Where do you go when you think you have no home?
Do you wonder the streets?
Do you sit in the park?
Waiting in the dark,
Hoping you don't get hurt,
Kicking your feet in the dirt,
Looking around at all the sounds,
Watching all the people pacing the grounds,
You then get up and keep on walking,
Someone runs up to you and starts talking,
The look in your eyes must have scared him off,
Next thing you know you run into the cops,
They ask if you are all right,
You tell them you are getting some air,
Really all you want to say, is do you really care,
You keep on walking till you find somewhere to hide,
You find your place,
You feel somewhat safe,
It's starting to get light out,
You get up and look around,
To find a card on the ground,
It says, we followed you tonight,
To help you see the light,
We stayed with you all night,
Hold our hand and we will stand,
With you through this.
Mom and Dad.
I wish I was bird,
So I could fly away,
Never to be found,
Never to be heard,
The freedom I would have,
To do whatever I want,
Go where ever I want,
To just be free and fly,
Way up in the sky,
Never to look down,
Never to have a frown,
This would be the life.
Send me an angle,
I need someones hand,
I am asking for help,
But know one understands,
Why can't they help me?
I am so scared,
I just need some stength,
So bring it my way,
Why is it so hard?
To get over this pain,
I don't want to wake up to another day,
So please send me that Angle,
Take me away ,
Show me a beautiful light,
Just show me the way.
You know who you are,
I can only do so much,
I struggle too,
Sometimes it's really bad,
I have to be strong,
I have a young family,
When I was young,
I used to say,
I won't last in this world,
With all this pain,
I made it through,
To what I never thought,
I lived a childhood of pain,
This only made me gain,
What I have today,
You have to step up,
Listen to my words,
Life has more meaning,
It will get better,
You have to help yourself,
It won't be easy,
But, it will be worth it in the end,
Stay strong, stay focused.
You see, I was only four,
He would just stand at my door,
I was too tired and all I saw was a blur,
I felt scared and tried to stay awake,
My eyes would drift,
I would force them to open,
To see the blur coming closer,
I would freeze and gasp for air,
Drift up high above my bed,
Wanting to scream and nothing came out,
Then I would look down,
What's he doing to me?
I'm looking at me,
Why is he doing this?
He walks away and looks back and smiles,
I come back down and close my eyes.
I fall asleep in silence.
I'm not afraid to spread the word,
I'm sure you all heard,
This is not to happen know more,
So if you hear a knock at the door,
Don't be afraid to answer it,
It's just me and I will sit,
I will help you get out,
There is know doubt,
Just answer the door,
There is a lot more,
In this life to live for.
She wakes up in the dawn,
To her most favorite song,
The sound of the voice,
Makes her feel she has a choice,
There will be no more hate,
That she will have to take,
There will be no more black,
There will be no more blue,
Too much to live for,
Too much to do,
There comes a time,
This one is mine.
The heart is racing,
It can't keep up,
What will it do?
Should I run after it?
Should I stop it?
It hurts so bad,
It's making me very sad,
I hate how it feels,
I'm starting to get sick,
I know it will take sometime,
I wish it would just hurry,
I'm in a race,
I'm not done yet,
I have not won yet.
Courage gives victory to overcome ones enemy.
Structure gives evidence of support.
Intelligence clears ones mind for reasoning.
Power allows one to forgive.
Generosity gives peaceful times and prosperity.
Direction is mending ones way through life.
Willpower is conquering ones initial difficulties.
Strength gives power to overcome emotional sorrow.
We all have total control.
Hunger pains hurt my tummy,
The fridge is empty and cupboards are bare,
So hungry, so weak, so sad,
"Mommy what will we eat today"?,
Her look is drawn with sadness,
She looks through all the cupboards,
Can't find a thing to make,
I step away and kick my dads office door in,
To find a walet full of money,
How dare he not feed us,
How dare he not care,
He is a terrorist to me,
He is a terrorist to my family,
I walk to my mother and hand her some money,
She asks were did you get this,
I said god gave it to me,
I walked away knowing I would be punished.
I start from the bottom,
I work my way to the top,
I get to a point,
I then have to stop,
I stay there for a bit,
I then continue up,
I know I can do it,
I know I am tough,
I can see the light,
I can feel the release,
I look straight ahead,
I see it's me.
I get to my point,
I know I might fall,
I only have to climb back up.
I already know it all.
My mind is like a time bomb,
It's ready to go off at anytime,
I look in the mirrow and what do I see,
I see my father, we have the same eyes,
Then I lose focus and see him,
It's so scary and strange,
Then my eyes start to tear,
There he is, crying right in front of me,
Is this really happening?
My mouth moves, I hear him say" I'm sorry",
"I did not mean to abuse you",
My heart starts to hurt and I tell him "it's ok".
I then see myself teary eyed and pale,
I wipe my eyes and look around,
My babies are asleep in their beds,
I smile and kiss their checks,
My heart is filled with lightness,
What just happened to me?
Somewhere out there is a child crying,
Hiding from pain, hiding from dieing,
The marks on thier skin are black and blue,
Nobody seems to care or have a clue,
No where to go, don't even care,
Why is it so hard, it's just not fare,
Time is up, thier pulse is fading,
I will sit here, I will be waiting,
Send an angle dear god,
Save this child dear god,
Stop the abuse dear god.
The joy I feel when I look into by childrens' eyes,
They are so pure and innocent in thier lives,
Thier smiles and laughter make my heart flutter,
The only other person that does this is my lover,
They are what make me feel so alive,
There is nothing else in this world that I thrive,
When I am gone I hope they see,
How happy they have made me.
The stress and pressure have just set in,
School starts tomorrow and where do I begin,
I will go to the school board and see what I can find,
Hopefully by the end of the day, I won't lose my mind,
Why is it I have to right poems about my feelings,
When it comes to my memories, I write it like it is,
I know this sounds so boring and stupid,
I have such a routine with everyhting I do,
Now I feel all very frustrated and confused,
I make sure everything is in order,
I have to for my daughter,
This may not sound like a big deal,
This is how I live, this is how I heal,
My sleepness nights are getting to me
I can't do the next morning anymore
I have babies to take care of
I am struggling now more
Hoping and praying to get the rest I need
I am afraid this is so distroying me
Can someone please tell me how to sleep
I have not slept in weeks
I feel very very weak.:(
I'm tired, burnt out, just want to sleep.
Too much bullshit these past weeks.
The stuff that was offered, why did you bother.
Knowing damb well this would effect my daughter.
Now we try to figure out a solution.
And to look at it like it was a delution.
Last minute we are told.
How could you be so cold.
( Wow this really fucks up my head space right now, my daughter was to go to a private school, starting this tuesday, we were just told that she won't be going now. This was planned from last year. Told last minute. I don't no were to put her and now she will get shitty classes too. This is'nt cool, very upseting.)
If you had another chance to raise me again, what would you do?
Would you love me and play with me?
Would I be your little princess?
Would you read to me and laugh with me?
Would we play in the park?
Would I look up to you and love you?
Would I not be scared of you?
Would I be happy to call you father?
What would you do?
Look into my eyes,
What do you see,
Do you see pain,
Or do you see me,
I'm hiding it well,
I know you can't tell,
You don't need to know,
I'm afraid you might go,
It's better this way,
For me to say,
Nothing is wrong,
Lets just carry on.
Tears are falling from the sky,
Thunder and lightening flashing by,
Little girl is so scared and sad,
She runs and hides away from her dad,
Hoping she will not be found,
She digs a hole into the ground,
Dad is yelling out her name,
He says it's only a fun game,
She is so scared she starts to scream,
Then wakes up, ( it's only a dream.)
There are so many things I wanted to say,
There are so many things that were taken away,
There are so many things I hate you for,
There are so many things at my door,
There are so many things that make me cry,
There are so many things I don't know why,
There are so many things you did to me,
There are so many things I no longer see.
There are so many things you'll never know,
There are so many things it's time to let go.
She holds her ears in a locked box,
I can no longer hear you,
She holds her eyes in a locked box,
I can no longer see you,
She holds her body in a locked box,
You can no longer touch me,
I'm not opening up,
This is where I will stay,
I don't have to let you in.
Under the bed I hide,
Under the bed I hide,
Under the bed I hide,
Under the bed I am found,
Under the bed I cry,
Under the bed I scream,
Under the bed can't hide,
Under the bed can't hide,
Under the bed can't hide,
Under the bed I die.
She's Curled up in a ball in the corner of her room.
She wishes she had a friend to play with.
"Hello, do you want to play?"a voice says.
She looks around and can't see anyone.
"Do you want to play dolls?"the voice says.
She starts playing dolls with the voice she hears.
The voice was a girl she started playing with.
She did'nt feel alone anymore.
She had someone to play and talk with now.
"Don't worry he can't hurt you anyone."
"I will hold your hand and take your pain away."
"You won't feel nothing anymore."
" Shh. I'm your secret friend."
I am masking my pain with big clouds of smoke,
Laughing at everything like it's a big joke,
The voices in my head don't make any sense,
All of a sudden this is making me tense,
My family is wondering what I will gain,
All I want to do is get ride of the pain,
The time has come for me to realize,
I can no longer hide from everyones eyes.
I know you hurt as a child,
I know things were hard for you,
I know you suffered dearly,
I know you were abused,
I am sorry this happened,
I am sorry you feared,
I am sorry you were broken,
But now I am confused.
"Would you not want this curse to end?"
"Why would you continue this cycle?"
"This makes no sence, you were abused and you abused me."
( I found out awhile back that my father was abused by someone in his family. It was every type of abuse. I also learnt that my father abused his younger brother when he was a child, which lead his brother ( my uncle) to suicide after he was married with a small child, his daughter was 3 years old. This is no excuss for my father to abuse me just because he was, he had a choice and he continued this horrible cycle instead of breaking it.)
My story has touched you,
My story has you hurt,
My story is real,
My story has a lot of pain,
My story is hard for you,
My story is bringing memories to you,
I know you are not ready to deal with your pain,
But know I am here and waiting for you,
I love you.
I am sleeping and dreaming of running in a field of flowers,
I hear someone calling my name,
"Melanie, Melanie wake up dear,"
"I have some beautiful news to tell,"
I struggle to open my eyes but can't,
"Wake up please don't leave us not yet,"
She kisses my check as a tear rolls down my face,
"We have someone new coming hold on,"
"Your sister is pregnant you are going to be an Auntie,"
I open my eyes and look into my mothers,
"I am not going anyware my angle has come to save me."
Crushing, pounding beating of my heart,
thump, thump, thump,
The bells are ringing in my head,
ring, ring, ring,
My tears are falling from my eyes,
I am now floating above I can't feel a thing.