It was hard to figure out where I wanted to go in my healing journey. I didn't know where I was in the present. I mean I needed to understand the effects of childhood sexual abuse to help me to assess where I was and where I wanted to be. I took a look at how sexual abuse has affected my life. It was self-esteem, feelings, family, intimacy, work, school, my body and my spirituality. I got to know what it all is and I worked everyday on one of these issues that stopped me from moving forward. I felt fear of having anyone love me because I was hurt from everyone who did. I felt powerless, I never knew I could say no. Everyone walked all over me even my own children. I felt loneliness, I never felt that I belonged anywhere and I could be in a crowd of people and still felt alone. Depression was and still is my number one enemy, It makes me feel empty inside nothing but darkness. I used to wish I was dead, I felt crazy. Of course lets not forget anger, I wanted to hunt my father down and kill him. All the men I had in my life wanted one thing. (Sex). So these are some of my ways of coping. First my decision to heal, I recognized the effects of my abuse and made a commitment to be active in my healing. Going through the stages of remembering my memories and feelings and believing it happened. Understanding that it wasn't my fault and place the blame where it belongs, with my father. Finding my child within has helped me feel compassion for myself, more anger with my father and lots of greater intimacy with others. I have kept a chart on my fridge for myself and others to read if they wish. This is a chart of tracking my emotions from events through out the day/week and the outcomes either it be good or bad. I go back to it and read it at the end of the week and see where I need more help on in my communication with others. This works so great for me. If I have not communicated my emotions of whatever incident occurred then I know this is what I need to work on. I used to keep all feelings inside because I felt guilty of having a feeling and I felt I had no right. Now I have learnt that emotions are ok. Good or bad. My favorite saying ( I have the right to say no to the things I don't want to have happen to me, and the right to ask for what I need, want, and deserve for myself.) Forgiveness was my choice to make, I freed myself from my fathers power and control, I took back my power gained my freedom, he can't hurt or control me anymore and I forgive myself. I won this battle and he is alone.