(I had a flashback the other day and fell to the ground,

I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth,)

I was four and hiding behind my dresser,

Crying and very scared,

I took a bottle of pills I got a hold of,

I took the whole bottle of pills,

I don't know what they were,

I sat there in silence praying to not be found,

My mohter and father walked in and saw the bottle of pills,

"Did you take all these pills my mother says?"

" Yes, mommy am I in trouble?"

That's all I see, that's all I hear nothing else,

(But now what's left in my mind is the wondering why nothing was done,

Why would a four year old try to kill herself?

I did'nt take them because I thought they were candy,

The signs were all there.)

         I used to hang out with a biker gang. I was first a groupy and then got involved with one of the guys. I spent most of my weekends there partying and such. I used alot there and drank myself stupid. It seemed I was there most of the time getting drunk and high. This was all I did for almost a year. I was never really scared but, I did see alot of stuff going on in this house that one should just not see. Like this:

       The nightmare followed me with a gun shot. I woke to a bang. I was on a couch and ran to the door to see the leader with a gun in his hands. A man lie in the street, blood all around his head. I did not know what to do but, his girlfriend was screaming for help. I liked her very much and I knew who was shoot. I ran out to help her. I asked her who did this and what happened, she told me. I should of stayed inside, stupid me. She was trying to give him mouth to mouth. I took over, oh my god, blood all over his mouth, the taste I will never forget the salty taste. She was banging on his chest. He was dead. I was a wreak. Here's this man in blood all around his head, I have his taste in my mouth, what the fuck was I doing? I was yelled at my the leader to get back inside. I was so scared. I did not know what to do. I ran inside and got grabbed by another member and he told me to keep quite and not do anything I will regret. He shot his best friend in the head. I saw him stand above him with the gun in his hand. Fuck, why did I have to see this, why did I run out? I should of stayed inside and pretended I did not see anything.

       Police showed up and many of them. The street was blocked off. We were all sent out onto the street cross legged and handcuffed. We were put into a patty wagon and brought down to the police station and questioned. The look of terrer in my eyes gave it away that I knew something, also I had blood all over me. I was questioned for hours and finally broke down and told the truth. I was put into protective services and my family. We then had a gaurd at our home for weeks on end. A trail date was set.

        This had to be the worst possible event for me, I had to tell the judge everything with (him) no names and his whole family and freinds in the court room. I even had to point him out to the judge. I felt so ashamed, his wife just glared at me with anger. I felt so sad and terrible. He got sent to prison, I do not know how long or if it was life. All I know is I had ratted out a bike member and I was sure I would be killed. So this is when I left home and moved in with my ex. my daughters father.

I have not heard or seen any of these people since this all happened. Thank god to this. What a horrible situation I was put in. God the stuff I did long time ago.

Deep, dark, black water,

I can't hold my breath any longer,

I try to reach for the surface,

I'm pushed down even deeper,

I breath in the water and I can't get up,

I feel myself slipping away,

A hand is helping me out,

"I should of let you drown", she says,

"But then I would be in trouble",

Laughs at me and walks away.

Running through the woods stoned out of my mind,

Not paying attention to the man from behind,

I find the camp fire were the partys at,

I sit with some friends and we have a chat,

I see out of the corner of my eye,

This strange but interesting looking guy,

I ignore him for awhile to see what he would do,

I pretended I was busy tying up my shoe,

Then my freinds had to leave and I was all alone,

I remember him coming up to me and the smell of his cologne,

He asked what I was up to that night,

And put his arms around me tight,

We walked towards his car,

Ended up somewhere far,

I was so stoned out of my mind,

I was so fucken blind,

Did I not see what was coming,

My mind was just humming,

This was not a nice man,

I should have just fucken ran.

My child in me is hurting so bad,

She feels nothing but guilt and shame,

She only just turned 8 years old,

How did she even know?

He was only four,

She forced him to the floor,

The look in his eyes were teared,

She though this was normal,

He started crying and she stopped,

She is so sorry she tried to hurt you,

She did not know it was wrong,

This is all she knew,

She was only 8 years old.

( I feel sick, ashamed and angry for doing such a thing. Me being abused daily as a child, only new and thought this was normal play. I can't believe I did this. If I could take this back I would. I would take my abuse over and over again. This hurts me more then anything. Does he remember and suffer, I don't know what to do or even say. I feel horrible.)

This is a flashback I had no control over at counseling the other day. I became a child with fear and saddness. This has left me numb and hateful towards myself. I am so sorry if this has triggered anybody. Here I thought I was moving forward and now I have fallen hard. I have been speed healing and fast forwarding my healing process. Now I will have to rewind and pause it and slow the race down I was doing with my healing. I will only crash again if I don't. Sorry dear cousin and sorry to all of you.

I look to my right and I see a bright light and a voice says put your belt on right now, my arm is forced and I snap the seatbelt on.

I was 15 going on 16 years old. At my best friends house with her friend. She just got her license. "lets go to the store and get a movie and junk food for the night." We all get into the car I am in the back, my bestfriend is in the front of me. The music is playing we are laughing and singing. Around a corner we go, " slow down, watch out for the sidewalk." my friend yells. Screaming is all I heard.

Flip. flip, flip,flip flip, 5 times I count. We hit something really hard. I wake in a daze hanging from my side from the seat belt. Sparks are flying from the power box we hit. I am scremimg and crying, " Where is Nina". my friend is gone.

The jaws are ripping the car apart, the driver is getting her hair cut off, it was stuck in the door. I am told to breath deep "you are ok , your leg is broken." I look down and in shock start to scream it 's dangling at the ankle. I am put on a strecher. I look for Nina, she is in a garden bed in front of a house. They look to be giving her mouth to mouth.  I heard them say she's gone, then I heard "wait, she is breathing."

I had broken my tibia in 2 places really bad, I rod was put in and pins at the ankle. I suffered a bad concusion and broken toes. My leg the next night started getting infected and then started getting gangreen. I was told by my mother that prayers were being held all over for me. Mom came in the next day after and told me that my leg was really bad and I knew what she was going to say, "they will cut it won't they." My mom started to cry.

Next morning I wake and look at my leg , doctor was standing there in complete shock and said "well I guess you healed over night, we will keep our eye on this to make sure,it doe'nt get bad again." My mom was waiting at the door, looked at me and smiled, I said "what's goign on." " We put you on a world wide prayer line ( Huntley Street ) last night for you to not loose your leg." "It was answered."

Annie and the Wizard of OZ were the first movies I saw as a child and love them to this day. I played them for my neice at 3 yrs. old, she is now 20yrs. and she loves them. I played them for my daughter at 2yrs. old, she is 15 yrs now and she still loves them. I get to play them again for my 2 year old girl and 1 year old boy. When they watch them thier eyes don't move from the screen.

....Annie, when I first watched this I was 7 years old. I memorized this movie and all the songs. I wished I was in an orphanage and  I was Annie and got adopted to a family that sung, danced and was full of life. This is when I strated to sing and when I did, I felt so free. I would sing in my back yard on the picnik table to my dog Chemo. I remember sitting there and singing the same song over and over again (the sun will come out tomorrow through away the cob webs and the sorrow, they'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow so you got to hang untill tomorrow.) I would sing my heart and soul into it. Even at such a young age I can still remember, I can still feel how I felt, the energy, the happiness of this song. Makes me smile. I felt so good and sad because I wanted a new family. I did'nt like this one anymore. I did'nt like my dad doing those things to me. I did'nt like seeing my mom hurt by him. I did'nt like him beating my sister. I just hated it, I hated him but I tried my best to make him happy, so I would feel close to him, special, and loved.

I had a girl friend in grade 6 and 7. She was a real good friend mainly my only friend for awhile. I stayed at her house lots. She lived with her mother and sister and mothers very young boyfriend. They where I think 20 years apart. My girlfriend when we would sleep in her bed would always want us to sleep naked. Did not think anything of it. Till one night she started to lightly touch my chest, which I did'nt have one, she did though. She would say does'nt that feel good. I would be like yeah alright. She left  her door open and I swear someone was watching. I remember a few times when I was there the connection she had with the mom's boyfriend was very strange to me. He would look at her the way my father looked at me. I knew then that something was going on in that house.

One night I had her over to my house for a sleep over, what a big mistake that was. My father was so goggly eyed over her it was sick. I remember her laying on the couch I was on the other and she had a blanket on her. It was quit clear, that she was masterbating under it. My father was in the chair beside her and he saw this. I did'nt look, I could'nt. When we went to bed that night, I woke to my father standing beside her with the covers off her. Staring at her, she was naked cause that is how she slept. My dad was in a daze, he did not see me wake. I was so fucken scared, I did not want him to touch her so I pretended to wake and roll over and then I looked up at him and said what are you doing and all he said was he was looking for the cat. I said well it's not in here so get out. Now I was mad. My girlfriend was very mature for her age. Nothing like me. What a sick fuck, if I did not wake up, what would he have done. I never had her over again and our friendship never lasted.

We are in the last house of my abuse as a child. I am in the kitchen about 11 years old and I hear my sister screaming. I come running towards the screaming to see her on the stairs that go up to our rooms. She is laying on them while my dad is in full fists hitting her. My mother is standing there trying to stop him, but as she grabs his arms he hits her too. I don't know what to do, he is hurting my sister. I start to cry and scream at him to stop hitting my sister. No one is listening but my sister keeps on saying to him," go ahead hit me kill me, I don't care, does this make you feel like a man by hitting go ahead hit me." I scream at my father for him to stop, my sister and dad at the same time tell me to "shut the hell up." He finally stops, he walks away, my sister runs up to her room, my mom walks away, I stand there not knowing what to do.

My sister is 40 years old now. She does remember much as a child. She suffers from M.S. She was hit with it almost 10 years agoe. I do love her very much but, I do have alot of resentment towards her for a few things from our childhood to adulthood. She is my sister though and know matter what I will love her forever.

 So today was a crying panick attack day for me. I was going to an appointment this morning to my doctor to get my meds. started. I swore it was this morning, but I got there and it is for tomorrow morning. This just set me off. Went to the truck and started crying. Ok, getting stupid now, I am crying about everyhthing. So I leave and head down to the library to try and find some books. Keep in mind I have not been in a library for many years and have know idea how to even look for a book. I walk around aimlessly looking for survivor true storys. I am starting to have a panick attack. I get frustrated and I want to ask for help but I feel stupid and embarrest to ask for help because of the books I want. So, I fucken leave quickly and come home. Tell  my story to the family and sit in my room for awhile to breath. I then proceed with the day whating for my counseling appointment for the evening. 

At my appointment I explain to my counseler what happened and we both came to realise I need to first of all be reading different books to get me focused on other things rather than my abuse 24/7. I for sure agreed to that and then, we talked about other ways of doing positive things for myself when time permits, like yoga, baths, nice movies, reading ect... Then we started the session, I have been having these feelings of me being abused at way younger age than 4 years. I have had some flashbacks of my father changing my diaper and everytime I do, I feel like vomiting. I get stomach pain, dizzy and start to sweat. When I change my babies diapers I have been getting very upset and have to do it fast. I don't want to do it. I also look at my babies lots and I start to feel panic and can't stop thinking about how one could harm a child/ a baby. We, came to realise today that these are flashbacks, just because you can't remember seeing things, you can remember feeling them too. I fucken lost it, it started when I was in diapers 1/2 years old. I am drinking a glass of red wine right now to ease my pain alittle. I am in such rage right now. I was born and then I died. May god forgive your sins to a man I called father.

 This will be the second time telling this story. First time is to someone on here. Now I feel I am ready to share with you all. I was 14 years old and coming home from a friends house. I snuck out when my mom and her boyfriend went to bed. I did this alot to go hang out with my friends. I went to her house and we started to drink and at about midnight I said I better go home before I get caught. I had a coulpe of drinks but I remember I was very eager to get home. I lived on a very secluded road nothing around but a corner store and woods. I was about half way to my house, you could actually see it from where I walked. A van came by slowly and I heard a man say as they drove by turn around it's a girl. Out of know where my arm was grabed and a male voice inside my head said sit down and don't say a word, I will protect you. I felt like a sheld was over me and I felt save and I was not scared. The van came to a stop with the side open right in front of were I was hiding and a man came out and walked towards me. He stood there for a second, it seemed like forever and jumped back in and said she must have seen us and run off, she is not here. I was there, I was right in front of him. I could see him, he should have seen me. They left, I slowly got up and stepped out of the woods and looked around and ran home. As I was running I told god I would never ever do this again. I would have been  abucted, I would have  been raped, I would have been killed. But my angle was with me this day and has been with me everytime I had and have been in danger. There is alot more times he was and is with me. I have a lot of more storys to tell.  

As my 2 year old askes for breakfast this morning, it brought back a memory. Great, yet another. So now they are eating and I am writing to get this off my chest. How can a parent not feed there child? Let them fend for themselves and not give them something healthy. My dad never provided food, the fridge was always empty, I never ate, always sick and weak. Never any school lunches except for what my mom could make up which I would get bugged by the others kids in school for what I had. So I would htrough it out on my way to school. Mom would always make some kind of ( through everything into a pot) for dinner and feed us all. One day I was so fucken mad, I was 11 years old and my dad had alittle room beside the laundry room locked. I kicked it open to see what was inside. A little room, with porn books, lots of booze and then I saw his walet. Opened it and lots of money in it. Closed the door, that bastard had so much money and did'nt feed any of us. What the fuck, we were starving, no food, no milk, no clothes. Oh my god what an evil, evil man. Wait daddy for it is your turn, you will be punished, if not from me you will have to ask forgiveness for your sins to god. He will be the judge of you. Deep breathes I will take, for I am vibrating and my chest hurts. I am so angry.

I am in my first house when the abuse started. I would be 4 years old. I am in bed and hear faint bells and look at my doorway to see a white flowing large glow. I was scared and hid under my blanket. I think I fell asleep but then I woke and walked to the kitchen. I wanted a cookie from the cookie jar. It was on top of the fridge. I pushed the kitchen chair in front of the fridge and stood on it. It was still too high and I could'nt reach it. I wanted a cookie so bad. I then felt something around me that lifted me up and I lifted the lid and grabbed a cookie. I drifted back down. I woke in the morning with cookie crumbs in my bed. Was this a dream or did this really happen? I had cookie crumbs in my bed.

Another time mom was reading to me on the living room couch and mom stopped reading and looked at the ground. I did too, to see foot prints in the carpet coming towards us. My mom yelled and said, go away. It stopped and left. What the heck was that. Is this a dream? Mom remembers this and says it was not. We found out later on when we moved that our house and several others was built over a old native burial site. Crazy.

Well, we continued to have weird things happen to us in all our houses we moved into. Juice containers would end up in our china cuboard locked with my mom only having the key to open it. Cuboard doors would all be open in the kitchen, you would shut them and come back in a few minuts to have them open again.  It stopped the day I told. Is this my Angle? Or was this something else. I don't know. Something I can never forget. I know, what the hell this is, wierd or you might think I am a good story teller. Well, this happened.

We had an old vintage car can't remember what it was or the year. My dad had a truck with a camper parked in front. For some reason my dad asked my mom to back up the truck bumper to bumper with the car. I was in the truck with my mom and she started to back it up. My dad was at the side giving directions and mom gave to much gas and backed right into the car. He was so made he was yelling and curseing at my mother. As he was yelling his face off his teeth came flying out of his mouth and onto the pavement, at  that moment my mom was driving forward with the truck and ran over his teeth ( dentures). Mom and I were laughing our faces off. Well dad was not happy with this. He came over to the truck to open mom's side door. Mom locked the door as I did my side as well. We looked at eachother and kept on laughing. Funniest moment ever. 

I hope this made you laugh as much as my mom and I did, even though it was something you had to see to have a good laugh. What a dink he was/is. hahahahaha