Shit, I'm full of anger right now,

In stead of me sleeping like I should be,

I'm up crying and just overwhelmed,

I don't even know why I'm writing this,

I think I have lost myself alittle,

Frustrated about the holidays,

Tis the season to be jolly,

Fuck I must be fake and pretending all the time,

Deep, deep down I feel like shit,

Thank god everyone is asleep,

But yet it would'nt matter cause I would pretend anyway,

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Yet I will wake tomorrow happy and shit,

Most likely not even remember what I wrote,

Or that I was even on here,

Until I look back on this,

Shake my head and think wow I'm fucked up.

Christmas has passed,

It went by very fast,

However, it was enjoyed,

But I felt a big void,

I became someone within,

I put on my fake grin,

Just so no one knows,

That I walk around on my toes,

Holding my tears back,

Afraid I might crack,

Making sure the children have fun,

I'm glad it's all done,

For I don't think I can do another day,

Pretending that I'm ok.

Our beautiful Christmas tree,

All done up and ready to enjoy,

Gathered around are my children playing,

I turn my head for a moment,

My little monkey is climbing the tree,

Down it comes and hits the ground,

Monkey number two is under it,

My eyes tear up with laughter,

For my children who are  under the tree,

They were not hurt nor was the tree,

But this is a moment that will be talked about year after year.

It's dark and cold in her world today,

No one to talk to,

Nobody seems to care,

What made her be this way?

Was there ever a clue?

I always would say a prayer,

There must be a reason why,

I guess we will never know,

Ya, I'm hurt somewhat,

It's time to say goodbye,

We all took a blow,

Right in the gut.

After awhile you learn the subtile difference,

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

You learn that love does'nt mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses are'nt contracts,

And presents are'nt promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats,

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman/man,

Not the grief of a child,

And learn to build your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,

After awhile you learn that even sunshine,

Burns if you get too much,

So you plant your own garden and decorate,

Your own soul instead of waiting,

For someone to bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth,

And you learn and learn and learn .........

-Annonymous

Waking in the night I struggle and look around,

Shaking at the sight I see laying on my ground,

It's dark and big with gleaming red eyes,

I freeze and stop breathing as it starts to rise,

My heart is pounding and I want to scream out,

My voice seems to be paralyzed for me to shout,

I hear my mothers voice telling my father to leave me alone,

Did she know he was about to hurt me?

Or is this just a dream?

It is 'nt nice to make fun of me,

I'm very angry can't you see,

Leave me alone and play by yourself,

Or I will run and hide and hurt myself,

That's all you ever do is make me cry,

It's sad that a four year old wants to die,

You are just as evil as our dad,

I will never forget the things you did to me,

This is very very sad.

As I toss and turn all through the endless night,

I wonder what's in store for me at morning light,

Will I wake a little rested and be stoked to be alive,

Or will I just lay there and wonder how I will survive,

This is my choice that I have to make,

I choose to get up and give my head a shake,

For I have already survived my broken past,

Now if only I can make how I feel now last,

I say I will move forward and be positive everyday,

Then be discouraged about it all the very next day,

All I can do is continue in the direction I'm going,

I am very proud of myself and it's showing.

I hear her screams in the middle of the night,

I try to tell her to breath it will be all right,

It will all pass soon and she will sleep,

All she does later is lay there and weep,

Covered in her blanket of secrets and shame,

Thinking to herself that she is to blame,

Next time it happens I will take her away,

I fly her up high and we play in the sky,

We will float around until she feels no pain,

I'm her protector I'm in her brain.

Bump, trembles her brain,

"I must lurk inside",

"Never to be visible",

"For if I'm seen I will be known",

Then who will shield her?

She needs protection at all times,

"I can't allow the unworthy to assault her",

"I will come out if I have to",

"I won't be a graceful sight,"

"I will show you my anger",

"That's why I stay in most of the time."

Do you ever look in the mirrow and just stare yourself,

Wonder what it would be like to be someone else,

What kind of life would you have if you had no abuse,

I have really thought about this hard and I came up with this,

First I would be ignorant to the topic of abuse,

I would have know idea what to say or how to feel to someone with this problem,

I would not have the people who support me in my life, like all of you,

I would not have went down the road I have,

I most of all would not have what I have today,

That is my children, my husband,

I have followed this path for reasons which have lead me to who and what I am today,

I would not take back anything in my life,

It might be hard to believe but, I would have been someone else,

That right there is very scary,

I like what and who I am, I love me and my family.

This makes me proud of who I am,

I may fall sometimes but, it does'nt take me long to wake up.

All wrapped up in a ball and chain,

Trying to escape this horrible pain,

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough,

But I'm scared of change,

When things feel better you would think I smile,

Instead I feel empty because I'm so used to pain,

There does'nt seem to be a happy place for me,

I move forward but still feel sad.

All I see is darkness and tear drops,

I try so hard to catch them before they die,

There are so many flowing down my face,

Each one is a memory of all the years of pain,

I watch them as they hit the ground,

One after another they bounce around,

A puddle forms below my feet,

I can know longer weep,

As I look into my reflection,

I can see my eyes light up,

The puddle is disappearing,

My memories are drying up.

Tonight was the night I fucken exploded. I could'nt take no more. I'm tired and not taking care of myself. I feel like a slave in my home. Always cleaning, cooking doing the whole house thing. Never anytime for me. I'm falling apart, I look and feel like shit. I walked out, told everyone I'm on strike. I told my husband and teenage daughter to fend for themselves and take care of the babies. I'm back right now, had to deal with a few things before the babies went to bed. Now I sit here and regret what I just did. I should have kept it together and I did'nt. I lost it on my family. They are all I have and I lost it. Lost myself and not sure if it was me or another personality that did this because right now I just feel really drained and confused. I lost 3 hours of my night not knowing what happened and what even caused this in the first place. I have a blank moment of not remembering. This is scary and dangerous as well. I just left the house. Please someone be here for me tonight. I need someones understanding and comfort. I'm really scared I just lost it. 

A portrait of a beautiful strong woman,

Standing tall and brave,

From a man with such talent,

And the biggest heart of all,

Thousands of hand-drawn dots,

A new dot pops up everyday,

A dot being you/me,

A survivor of rape,

A survivor of sexual abuse,

And an understanding supporter,

To be involved in such a wonderful project,

Helping one another,

Healing myself/yourself along the way,

Makes me feel like a beautiful strong woman,

Who can conquer anything every single day,

You/me can stand beautiful, stand tall and stand brave.

         I used to hang out with a biker gang. I was first a groupy and then got involved with one of the guys. I spent most of my weekends there partying and such. I used alot there and drank myself stupid. It seemed I was there most of the time getting drunk and high. This was all I did for almost a year. I was never really scared but, I did see alot of stuff going on in this house that one should just not see. Like this:

       The nightmare followed me with a gun shot. I woke to a bang. I was on a couch and ran to the door to see the leader with a gun in his hands. A man lie in the street, blood all around his head. I did not know what to do but, his girlfriend was screaming for help. I liked her very much and I knew who was shoot. I ran out to help her. I asked her who did this and what happened, she told me. I should of stayed inside, stupid me. She was trying to give him mouth to mouth. I took over, oh my god, blood all over his mouth, the taste I will never forget the salty taste. She was banging on his chest. He was dead. I was a wreak. Here's this man in blood all around his head, I have his taste in my mouth, what the fuck was I doing? I was yelled at my the leader to get back inside. I was so scared. I did not know what to do. I ran inside and got grabbed by another member and he told me to keep quite and not do anything I will regret. He shot his best friend in the head. I saw him stand above him with the gun in his hand. Fuck, why did I have to see this, why did I run out? I should of stayed inside and pretended I did not see anything.

       Police showed up and many of them. The street was blocked off. We were all sent out onto the street cross legged and handcuffed. We were put into a patty wagon and brought down to the police station and questioned. The look of terrer in my eyes gave it away that I knew something, also I had blood all over me. I was questioned for hours and finally broke down and told the truth. I was put into protective services and my family. We then had a gaurd at our home for weeks on end. A trail date was set.

        This had to be the worst possible event for me, I had to tell the judge everything with (him) no names and his whole family and freinds in the court room. I even had to point him out to the judge. I felt so ashamed, his wife just glared at me with anger. I felt so sad and terrible. He got sent to prison, I do not know how long or if it was life. All I know is I had ratted out a bike member and I was sure I would be killed. So this is when I left home and moved in with my ex. my daughters father.

I have not heard or seen any of these people since this all happened. Thank god to this. What a horrible situation I was put in. God the stuff I did long time ago.

The battle of remembering is forgetting where it came from,

It used to look me straight in the eyes,

The evil and demon corrosive ways would bleed into my soul,

Leaving nothing but fright and disgrace,

Making its way to an open gate,

Too many to fight off with no protection,

Left me with intense moments of annihilatation.

Deep inside lives an unseen personality, 

She's confined to her loneliness,

The intensity of it all is increasing,

Digging and pulling her way to the light,

Getting frustrated because she can't get out,

What makes her stay and give up so easy?

She needs to get out to breath,

If she does'nt everthing will collapse,

Then the unknown will be gone forever.

The impact of your skin is blazing my hand,

It rockets an earthquake to my heart,

Makes me feel uncanny,

I feel like a child,

I want to run and dissappear,

I get anxious and overwhelmed,

Even just a touch can trigger me off.

Last night at my counselling session, I surprized myself with my feelings. I brought up the fact that my mother spends alot of time with my teenage daughter and I admitted that I'm jealous. I mean my mom is a great mother and friend to me but I feel neglected because we don't do anything, only she helps me with the babies. God I'm selfish. She never did things with me when I was younger and a teenager, I just came to realise last night that not only was I sexualy abused by my father but, I was neglected by my mother. She was never there. Where was she? I have so much to share about this but, I will leave this for now. As today is a day I shut down the computer and do something for myself.

As I close my eyes and think in my mind,

How will I escape from this extreme distress?

What will make me feel alive and valuable?

How will I come to realise that I can do and be anything?

As I close my eyes and think in my mind,

I will speek out and not be afraid,

I will love myself and honor my past,

I will push myself to the limits to become the best I can.

As I open my eyes I am not afraid.

I feel beautiful today and so I breath so well,

But yet so ugly to be seen and it's so sufficating,

I stretch with strength and feel powerful,

But yet shrink with weakness for I am powerless,

I see brightness and happiness,

But yet dullness is and sadness is still there,

I have forgave and bandaged my soul,

But yet my forgiveness sometimes fails my bleeding heart.

My journey of healing has been a long one,

I know I will be in it for the long run,

Many many years it took to find me,

I thought I was lost but I was always here,

I was stuck in my mind of misery,

Always asking why me?

Well, I was given this life for a reason,

Without it I would not be who I am today,

I would not trade my life for anything,

I love who I am right now,

I would not have what I have today.

My family, my friends,

And all of you.xo

I feel I'm not being honest with my counsellor, I go see her once a week and at the end of our session she always asks me what my plans are for the week. I tell her and say I will do something for myself but, I never do. Then when I see her next,  I always lie and say I did something but really I did'nt. Why is this? Why do I feel a need to lie to her about this? Why am I not doing something for myself? I always tell everyone I talk to, to do something nice for themselves. Hmm maybe I should pratice this myself. I'm honest with her with everthing else but for some reason just with this I am not. I'm lost with this one. :(

So my fathers name is Ron. I fucken hate this name, hmm I wonder why? I never had a friend named Ron nor would I ever have a boyfriend named Ron. Now that  I think about it, I don't know any Rons. I was at my mothers tonight bringing the babies over for their treats and my sister was there all dressed up for halloween, with her new boyfriend number 800 or something like that. Guess what?, his name is Ron. I just stood there for a while and looked at him. With a stupid look on my face. Then I shook his hand and said nice to meet you which, must of looked really stupid because I had a twich in my right eye and a crooked smile. I felt so retarted. This is what I do when I'm stressed about something. I could tell he felt a little off from my welcome. Well, shit I would too. I could not help it, his fucken name is Ron. It triggered me, I was ready to attack. He had  the perfect costume on too,he was in a prisoner suit and my sister was a cop. I looked at my sister puzzled because I know she does not like this name either. This almost felt like a dream and now I can't stop laughing while I'm writing this because if you could only be in my brain for that moment or even a fly on the wall, you would of found some great humor in this. Anyway something stupid and random to share. Sorry for my words I was just venting.

Deep, dark, black water,

I can't hold my breath any longer,

I try to reach for the surface,

I'm pushed down even deeper,

I breath in the water and I can't get up,

I feel myself slipping away,

A hand is helping me out,

"I should of let you drown", she says,

"But then I would be in trouble",

Laughs at me and walks away.

As I sit and start to write a memory I have, I get distracted.

My husband is a Skateboarder, has been since he was 9 years old, he is now 33 years old. He has had some good sucess with it too, which is great. Anyway, not to get into too much of who he is, it is late, our son woke up and the only thing that seems to keep him at aww would be watching skate videos with daddy. As I look around the corner he is purched up into daddys lap with his blanky and nuk sucking away and dazed my the video and music. I think to myself what a lovley memory for my son, I know he is young and most likely won't remember such a thing but just the look in his eyes. Loving the music, skating and his daddy. What a beautiful memory for my husband as well, holding his son and showing him what he loves to do and making it even more special by loving his little boy.

I could only dream of moments like this as a child growing up to have my daddy share a joy and involve me and love me.

I will forever remember your beautiful eyes,

I will sit for a moment with my silent cries,

Your heart is so loving and strong,

Why did things have to go so wrong,

Look over the one that hurts so bad,

Help her to not be sad,

She needs an angle by her side,

I am afraid her world will collide,

Keep her safe.

Running through the woods stoned out of my mind,

Not paying attention to the man from behind,

I find the camp fire were the partys at,

I sit with some friends and we have a chat,

I see out of the corner of my eye,

This strange but interesting looking guy,

I ignore him for awhile to see what he would do,

I pretended I was busy tying up my shoe,

Then my freinds had to leave and I was all alone,

I remember him coming up to me and the smell of his cologne,

He asked what I was up to that night,

And put his arms around me tight,

We walked towards his car,

Ended up somewhere far,

I was so stoned out of my mind,

I was so fucken blind,

Did I not see what was coming,

My mind was just humming,

This was not a nice man,

I should have just fucken ran.

Thank you for this memory,

I was young and so excited,

Easter when I was 4 years old,

I looked outside and saw bunny prints,

With two big pink bunnies at our bridge,

I ran out all excited and happy,

This was such a wonderful day,

Everyone was cheerful and laughing,

Thank you for this memory,

A day I could play.

For all the times I was so scared and hid between the walls,

I could hear your screams within yourself as you walked down the hall,

You turned into the devil and dragged me down to hell,

But deep inside I knew I would survive because I was strongmel,

I always knew when you were drunk from that terrible smell,

It made me turn invisible and turn into my shell,

Even though I endured this abuse,

I felt there was your excuse,

You became the devil from your drinking,

And it brought you down to hell sinking.

Peek around the corner of the door,

You will find a big hole in the floor,

Jump down in and cover your head,

Just pretent that you are dead,

Remember to not make a sound,

Or else you will be found,

You are safe for the night,

As long as you keep quite,

Tomorrow will come and he will be gone,

You'll find another place to hide before dawn.

Do you ever stand in a room full of people and feel alone?

Do you feel like you're drifting up above the crowd?

No one seems to even notice you.

It's like you are'nt even there.

Everyone speeks at the same time.

The words make no sense.

You stand there like a statue.

No one seems to even care.

You end up being the last one there.

The lights turn out.

The doors shut.

You are in darkness.

You try to find your way out.

You think you are locked in.

You bang on a door.

Asking someone to let you out.

You find an unlocked door.

You open it.

No one there.

Your alone.

Music kept me going,

Also kept me glowing,

I used to sing in bands,

It was so cool to see clapping hands,

I became someone else on stage,

I became a different age,

It felt so good to sing out loud,

And not be afraid of the crowd,

This is what kept me going,

It was slowly showing,

That I could become a character on stage,

And make a good wage,

I will always remember those times,

I wish I was there again sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder what's the right thing,

I wait for the answer, what will it bring?

Should I let go of my past?

Should I put myself last?

I get frustrated and confused,

I sometimes even feel used,

I know I should come first,

But I was told I was cursed,

With nothing but bad stuff,

It's really been tough,

So what should I do?

I have know clue,

I ask myself every day, should I  let it all go?

I just don't know.

A whisper wakes me in the night,

I wrap my blanket around me tight,

I open my eyes just a crack,

Only to see nothing but black,

I hear my heart start to pound,

Waiting and waiting for a sound,

Silence is all I hear,

No need to fear,

This is only in my head,

I'm safe in my bed.

There's a reason why I'm flying,

Can't you see I'm dying,

What did you expect?

When my life was wrecked,

You think it should be easy to forget,

While I continue to bounce up and down in this net,

Getting tangled and mixed up again and again,

Maybe I could have stopped it then,

But I was flying too high,

I did not want to come down,

I was afraid to touch the ground,

This is how I coped,

Being all doped.

She told me she was being hurt,

She was only three years old,

I took her away and hid her,

She had to be safe,

They were on thier honey moon,

They would not be back in days,

I thought I had till then,

They kicked my door in,

Kicked my dog across the room,

Choked me in my bathroom,

Made me piss my pants,

Demanded where she was,

Told me they would kill me,

I lived in the guest house,

They dragged me to my mothers house,

They were all asleep,

They dragged my mother out of her bed,

They kicked and kicked her in my back,

They punched her tooth out,

They said we are a family and we will deal with this our way,

( "Gag her and shut her up, they said, or we will silence you,")

( Five of them, my sister, new husband, his sister and his parents.)

I was scared to death they were going to kill my mother,

The house was full of elders sleeping in there beds,

( They heard everything and were so scared,)

I had to do something quickly,

Before it got out of hand,

I backed out of the door,

I ran down the long ass driveway,

Ran next door to a house and yelled for help,

The police when up towards my house,

I ran back home praying my mother would be ok,

Everyone was outside the house,

They made them go home,

Police said they would have done the same if there child was taken too,

I was choked and said you know where she is,

I was told to put her somewhere safe till Monday,

She was with her father,

(They cut the phone lines so we could not phone for help,)

They were going to kill my mother.

( They got three months probation.)

My niece went back to them, the judge did not believe a mother could hurt her own child.

Where do I begin,

With all my sins,

Too many to say,

Maybe on another day,

I have had some troubled times,

A lot to do with crimes,

I was young and taught wrong,

If only then I was strong,

I know it was not worth it,

Not one single bit,

I did'nt care what happened to me,

If only I could have seen what would be,

Spending time alone behind bars,

It left me with many inner scares,

The day I got out to see,

I set myself free,

No more sins would I commit.

It's so not worth it.

Her world has stopped,

Her heart has dropped,

She can no longer breath,

She waits for the death,

It will come very soon,

Storm clouds will move in,

The world will start to spin,

She will scream at the top of her lungs,

"Why did this happen?"

"The one I love has left me,"

I know longer want to live,

Please forgive me for my sins,

Now my enemy wins.

My hands hurt,

My feet hurt,

They burn in pain and are swollen,

Ever since I can remember,

My fingers, my toes always hurt,

I would tell him it hurt,

Please don't do this,

He would say it's fine and continue,

It would hurt so bad,

I would cry so hard,

Too this day I have been doing the same to myself,

He taught me how to crack my fingers and toes,

Why the hell would you do that?

Now it is so hard to stop this,

It always reminds me of him,

Now they're always in pain and swollen.

Something is happening to my head,

It happens when I lay in bed,

All these memories come jumping out,

I feel like I'm sufficating and I want to shout,

Go away and leave me alone,

It happened so long agoe,

Why in the hell is it bothering me again?

After all these years of healing,

I have come back to this part,

The memories of my childhood,

And her broken heart.

Sleep ,how do you do it?

I stay up most of the night?

I'm tired but when I close my eyes,

The memories are there,

I'm on medication to relax,

It does help me a lot,

I force myself to stay awake,

I must hear everything in my home,

I can hear the furnice kick on and off,

The creeks in the floors,

My cats' eating thier food,

I could take a sleeping pill,

This scares me and I would not hear anything,

Have to stay awake to hear my babies too.

Write, write, or you're in trouble,

Keep this journal up so I can read it,

If you forget to write, you will be punished,

You will have things taken away,

I will treat you like shit,

You're my little cinderella,

You do as I say,

As long as you live in my home,

You are my slave nothing else,

Your father belongs to me,

He will choice me,

I will finally have the family I want.

( My daughter being forced to write in a journal everyday with her step mother to read it. She found out alright she wrote in her other journal in the court room. Stupid woman. Right back in your face.This is what happened to my beautiful, strong, loving daughter, I never knew untill she asked for help. Her step mother was so horrible to her. She did get what she wanted her own little family. My daughter got away and is with her loving family now. Love you my dear daughter.)

I'm ready to hunt you down,

I'll hold you in the ground,

You useless piece of skin,

You will not win,

I'm in control now,

You're in the whole,

I'm the strong one,

I have won,

You will hang your head down,

I will see you frown,

Be ready for your sins,

Now your time begins,

I'm looking for you,

You can't hide.

Stop laughing at me when I speek,

I'm telling you how I feel,

I may not make sense to you,

But I do make sense to me,

I know that you care,

Just show it differently,

Show me some compasion,

Please stop and think,

Your words sometimes hurt,

Even though you don't know,

It really does effect me,

Can you not see?

Just rip it out, I don't want it no more,

It hurts too much, just through it on the floor,

It's becoming a bother, it's in the way,

Too hard for me to cope with my day,

It interfears with my thinking,

I feel like I'm sinking,

Deep deep down I go,

Soon it will start to show,

I have to listen to my mind,

I have to start being kind,

It's not my heart that hurts,

It's the child's heart in me,

I feel I have two hearts,

One for me now,

One for that lost little girl,

I'm a grown adult now, 

I'm not that child no more,

It's time for me to let her go.

When I was 13 years old, after I told I was put in a foster home. One day from there, my mother came to pick me up for the day to go see my aunt and uncle ( my fathers) sister. They did not know yet what he had done to me. I thought it was for me to go and speek with them and tell them about it. I remember how I felt about this, I had a huge pain in my throat and I was sweating. We arrived at there home and walked in and sat on their couch. They asked how we have been and said nice to see you guys. It was not like us to just show up and visit. They knew something was up. I slowly started talking about what has been happening and what has become the outcome of it all. They were shocked, my aunt just looked at me with tears and said I'm sorry for this to happen to you and walked out of the room. My uncle however continued to talk for awhile to comfort me. He then told me, they would disown him and never speek with him again. Then out of know where after a pause, he told me that we shall not have anymore contact with eachother because he felt there was no need to. My father would be out of the picture and what would be the point in staying in contact with us. Wished me well and we left. I was, as my mother in complete shock and discust with what just happened. I had nothing but anger with them for many many years until just recently I found them on facebook and they accepted my freindship on it. At first I just wanted to tell them how much of fucken assholes  I thought they were but, something held me back for awhile. I found out there son my cousin, passed away not to long agoe. They would not tell me how. Still don't know. I have talked with them a few times and they have told me they have always loved me and are behind me 100% in anything I want to have happen with my father. So with me just holding onto those words I was to say to them, they came forward and told me in there way "we have always loved and cared for you." I except this but still have the pain of not having them in my life when I needed them the most. I have forgiven them though. To move forward with that. I figure they did not know who to deal with it, so this is what they thought they needed to do. 

I was searching my birth name on google awhile back and came across an add from some lady looking for info. on great grandparents and long lost cousins. As I was reading it, my fathers name and aunts  names were on it. I was like, holly crap this is neat. I wrote to her and told her who I was and she contacted me back several months later. I was shocked to read that she is my great aunt that only lives a city over. I have been keeping close contact with her via email and we have become very good friends. I did leave a message on my aunts email but she has not responed back to it. This would be her chose not mine. I was to go see my great aunt this weekend but my teenage daughter is very ill right now and I will be too busy in the hospital with her and I need to stay by her side. She emailed me back and said  this was fine she is not well either, she stated that this is not the place meaning email, she wanted to tell me this but, she has cancer. It went and now it is back at full force and nothing can be done. She asked me not to shed tears for her and said she was going to be with god soon enough. She said we will meet soon.

Well shit, I'm feeling empty and left with pain in my heart right now because of this news. My heart hurts so bad because we have not even met face to face yet. I hope we do before it is too late. I will make this happen.

I just wanted to also say that in our messages back and forth, she was abused too in her childhood. So our connection is very strong. Her words to me are always incouraging and so helpful. She has this powerful message of forgiving and moving on when we speak. I do believe I was ment to find her. She is an angle I have yet not seen but feel.

As she sits in the middle of her four walls,

She starts to feel closed in and is ready for the fall,

She can't seem to take anymore and is feeling resentful,

Her life has become very uneventful,

All she does is sit in her house,

Has no time for nothing else,

When will it be her time to go out?

So she sits here and dwells about her life,

I sometimes wonder why I became a wife.

Pass me the bottle I have not had enough,

I still have too many feelings in my brain,

Numb my senses and take away my pain,

This seemed the only way for me along time a go,

Then I discovered that I will try soom blow,

Money was no issue for me way back when,

I had all the money I needed to spend,

This went on till I had no chose,

It was fix yourself up or die,

I woke up and through it all away,

This is when I started to pray,

I felt so much peace within myself,

I stopped putting my memories on the shelf,

It did'nt happen over night,

It actually took quit a fight,

I'm proud to say on this very day,

I survived it and I'm here to stay.

Looking through my front room window I'm mesmerized by city workers,

They're  fighting with a broken water line,

I start to overflow with build up and pressure somehow,

It's starting to flood the road,

I feel some what trapped,

What will happen if I am flooded in?

How will I survive such a flood?

They're frantically running around and yelling amongst each other,

Trying so desperately to stop the water,

Then I hear a loud bang, oh shit, here it comes,

Water pumping out in all directions,

Releasing all its' anger and pain,

Everyone is working together to stop the disater of this flood,

Suddenly everyone, everything feezes,

I walk out the door and nothing, nobody is moving,

I'm not sure if this is real or a dream,

I look around and not even hear a sound,

I walk back inside and look back out my window,

There is nothing there, no water, no people, just emptiness.

In a croud full of people,

Overwhelmed by the noise,

Everything starts to echo,

I feel like I'm going to faint,

I stand out from the croud,

I'm spinning in a circle,

Everyone is surrounding me,

I feel like I can't breath,

I close my eyes and  drift away,

Her eyes pop open wide,

Now she wants to play,

She runs around and starts to laugh,

Everyone looks at her and laughs back,

She does'nt care what she is doing,

She escaped from my body and now is playing,

All eyes on her as she starts to run,

She then stops suddenly and is scared,

She jumps back in and I appear.

All I wanted was to feel loved,

So I went from one to the other in my hunt,

My line up was long and took time to get to the front,

I'm not proud of what I did and how many,

I had my daughter when I was twenty,

This slowed me down and I waited for awhile,

I guess one would say it was just my style,

I did'nt seem to know any better,

Until one day I got a letter,

This letter was from my daughter,

My tears poured out like water,

She told me I become someone else,

A person that did'nt care about herself,

It was because I put everything on the shelf,

I did'nt want to be alone anymore,

I was now becoming a whore,

I was desperate to find love,

I have found it, been ten years now,

Since I took my vow.

All my brusies have slowly healed,

All my scares have a story to tell,

Most of them are from my abuse,

Some are from my early days of booze,

I'm covered from head to toe,

I hope it does'nt show,

The most pain af all,

Is when I fall,

My heart starts to break in half,

Then I hear him laugh,

I Know it's only in my head,

To me he is dead,

One day I will feel full of life,

Then I will put away my knife.

I used to live in a secret, dark cave,

I would hide in it all day,

No one could ever find me,

They would never think to look there,

I would peek my head out at night,

To make sure no one was in my sight,

I would jump back in when I heard a sound,

Sometimes I would hear foot steps on the ground,

I would sit in silence to not be heard,

This made me feel so absurd,

I was just an invisible creature,

Waiting for my prey to attack,

Was I that pathetic I had to hide,

Maybe I should have just lied,

I prayed and opened my eyes,

Then I felt myself rise,

It was only to my surprise how strong I felt,

I felt my pain and suffering just melt,

I walked out of my cave with my head up high,

I walked up to my father and asked him WHY?

There were family and friends all around,

All he could do was hang his head down,

I heard the whispers and people start talking,

My mother came up to me and asked me what's wrong,

I told her what my father did to me has made me strong,

She looked in my eyes and then she cried,

It felt to me like someone died,

I will never forget this glorious day,

I finally told and finally got my way.

I

I wonder what he is doing right now?

Is he hurting someone else?

Why do I sit and think like this?

It only rips me apart.

I pray for just one day to have some peace.

Not think of what he might be doing.

Instead try and picture him being good.

I laugh at this because I don't think he could.

It is not in his cards to be so kind.

The devil has taken him over.

Now god will take him down.

Where did I go wrong,

I feel so far from my home,

Help me find my way,

I'm all alone,

My days are so long,

Only filled with wrong,

I want to feel joy,

I should not feel like this,

There is too much to love,

They will start to miss,

I have to find my way back,

I'm too far away from home.

My friends, are they my friends?

Sometimes I don't think so.

I think they pretend.

I have a few good friends.

Even they seem to pretend.

So the only friends I do have,

Are the ones on here.

The ones that understand.

The ones that care.

So thank you for being my friend.

I value each and every one of you.

There are a lot of things that I'm not proud about my sister. She is a troubled Lady at the age of 40 years old. Always a new boyfreind everytime I see her. It's pretty bad when X-Mas comes and we all have a bet going on to see if it's a new guy coming for dinner. Always sleeping around and still since the age of 13 years old.  I call her a me me because she only talks about herself and never asks about anyone else. I mean she has only seen my children maybe 10 times since they were born she lives 40 mins. away. Ya, she's a me me. She only admits to some abuse and it is only the physical part. She told me and still tells me she was not sexualy abused, but she was. I saw. This is not what I wanted to talk about though. I will get into this stuff another time. I wanted to continue with the past message I wrote on Jason my sisters' ex. boyfriend from way back. If you don't know what I am talking about you will have to read the entry on Memory I wish I never had.

My sister has not heard from Jason till just of recent being like 2 months agoe. My mother told me over a conversation on the phone. She was terribly upset with her and said that my sister is talking with Jason. He found her some how and they have been talking. Well, he is married with 2 young babies like me and told my sister he was not hapy and wanted a divorce. Shit right there my sister should have said sorry for your troubles and I wish you luck. Not he stupid lady he ends up sleeping over at her house. Ya, stupid. Why in the hell would you even get involved with a married man and with babies for frick sakes. Anyway she told mom all about it, my mom let her have it. I thought this was a very low thing to do. She does not know about what he and his roomate did to me. I think she might be secretly seeing him now. This is fucken shit, I don't know what to do or even say to her. She is the type to explode on me and say I lied or something like that. I'm concerned however because she does have MS and is not functioning like one should with thinking. All I know is if I ever see him, I will be first scraching his eyes out and then a baseball bat to his balls. Well, then you would think holly shit this must really of happened or I'm completly crazy. I would only hope in my sisters case she does not bring him around. I just don't know what to do.

If you could only see,

How much you hurt me,

Our life together would always be,

You would sing me a song,

I would know I belong,

Why did it have to be this way,

All you had to do was say,

I love you,

Forever and ever,

You are my liitle girl,

You are the world to me,

I'll sing you this song,

Then when I'm gone,

You will always remember,

I loved you.

,

Ten more pounds is all it will take,

I keep on saying this,

For me to get back to my weight,

When I get there it's not good enough,

I still feel very large,

Yet everyone says I'm not,

They all think I'm getting to thin,

I look in the mirrow and it speaks different to me,

I hate to look at myself,

I look too large,

Yet everyone says I'm not,

I'm lost in how I feel,

I'm lost in how I look,

I'm not happy in my body,

So ten more pounds I might be better.

I know I will be lighter.

I'm on my rollercoaster,

Up and away I go,

I get to the top and drop,

I scream with excitment,

Down I go,

The wind is blowing me back,

I feel an incredible rush,

I'm my child again,

Full of happiness and joy,

I don't want it to end,

I wish I could go forever,

Just feel this rush of life,

But now it has stopped,

Now I walk back to my disaster.

This was a question I was asked by mother one day.

We are playing in my room with barbies.

We are talking back and forth on my floor.

I go and do a check up with my barbie.

I ask her why she hurts.

I look up at my mother.

She smiling down at me.

My barbie says it's a secret.

There is nothing wrong with me.

My mother said, you want to be a doctor?

I said she I do.

She said why a doctor?

I said because I will keep their secret.

I will make their pain go away.

I guess she did not understand,

I was trying to tell her something,

She got up and left the room,

I felt alone and empty again.

My sister had this boyfriend for quit a few years. She is 4 years older then me. He became part of our family we all loved him dearly. He was that older brother I always wanted. One day I never saw him again, my sister and him broke up. We found out from a phone call from his father a year after, that he was in a terrible accident. He was going to be ok, but he was drinking and driving and hit a girl in the other lane of traffic dead on. She died before even reaching the hospital. We were all so horribly upset knowing he had killed an innocent person. He went to prison, he got 5 years, ya that's right 5 years for killing someone. I hated him for doing what he did. Well, he got out and called my mother, I happen to be there and we talked and he wanted to meet up with me and talk. I did miss him and just wanted to see his face. I was 23 years old. I met him at his home, and met his roomate. At the time I did not know this was his cell mate in prison. We went for dinner and had a nice talk, I was alittle on edge to the fact I did not know what to even talk about. After dinner we went back to his house, as I drove and had to bring him home. He invited me in and we had a drink. Beer to be exact. He and his roomate asked if I wanted to go to the club down from there place for a drink or two and do some dancing. Me being an alcholic at that time in my life thought hell ya why not, free booze. I'm in. We were all having fun, drinking, dancing and it was getting late and I thought I better stop drinking and sober up a bit before I have to drive them back home and drive home myself. Well that did'nt happen. It gets a little blurry now. I am not sure how we got back to there house and who even drove. I remember feeling very dizzy and light headed, complety out of it. Drunk yes, but this was differnent. Long story short because this is painful  to remember and talk about. They took advantage of me. Both at the same time, however I did'nt tell them no and stop. I could not even talk, but I did have some control over my body, so I could have fought but, I did not. I do know they vidoe taped it. I remember seeing a camera up in a corner of the room, the room was set up with red curtains all around, and candles everywhere. I must have passed out, woke to being in a bed with him, his name is Jason, on me having sex with me. I was out of it, dry and it hurt so bad, I did tell him to stop your hurting me but he did'nt. I woke the next morning and I was clothed and laying alone in Jasons bed. I remember stuff now, but I did not back then. I got up and looked to where everyone was and Jason was in the room we were in and clening it up. There was wax all over the place, but the cutains were gone. I asked what happened and he said the candles were left on all night. He said that he had a v ery busy day and I must go now and he would call and talk with me later. I was to confused with everything, I left and drove home crying all the way thinking I had done something wrong and it was all my fault this happened, but I was not quit sure what happened. Now I know, they drugged me. There is a conclusion to this story that I will share later. I never told my sister about this, but I did tell my mother and she wanted to kill him. Thanks for listening.

What will become of you if you stay silent?

Will you survive this abuse?

Will you end up abusing yourself?

Worst thing ever, would you abuse someone else?

Spreading the silence is the hardest thing to do.

Once this is done, you will start to see a new you.

Getting the help you need is important.

Search deep down into your soul.

You will find the answer.

The answer will make you whole.

Where do you go when you think you have no home?

Do you wonder the streets?

Do you sit in the park?

Waiting in the dark,

Hoping you don't get hurt,

Kicking your feet in the dirt,

Looking around at all the sounds,

Watching all the people pacing the grounds,

You then get up and keep on walking,

Someone runs up to you and starts talking,

The look in your eyes must have scared him off,

Next thing you know you run into the cops,

They ask if you are all right,

You tell them you are getting some air,

 Really all you want to say, is do you really care,

You keep on walking till you find somewhere to hide,

You find your place,

You feel somewhat safe,

It's starting to get light out,

You get up and look around,

To find a card on the ground,

It says, we followed you tonight,

To help you see the light,

We stayed with you all night,

Hold our hand and we will stand,

With you through this.

Love you,

Mom and Dad.

I wish I was bird,

So I could fly away,

Never to be found,

Never to be heard,

The freedom I would have,

To do whatever I want,

Go where ever I want,

To just be free and fly,

Way up in the sky,

Never to look down,

Never to have a frown,

This would be the life.

Send me an angle,

I need someones hand,

I am asking for help,

But know one understands,

Why can't they help me?

I am so scared,

I just need some stength,

So bring it my way,

Why is it so hard?

To get over this pain,

I don't want to wake up to another day,

So please send me that Angle,

Take me away ,

Show me a beautiful light,

Just show me the way.

You know who you are,

I can only do so much,

I  struggle too,

Sometimes it's really bad,

I have to be strong,

I have a young family,

When I was young,

I used to say,

I won't last in this world,

With all this pain,

I made it through,

To what I never thought,

I lived a childhood of pain,

This only made me gain,

What I have today,

You have to step up,

Listen to my words,

Life has more meaning,

It will get better,

You have to help yourself,

It won't be easy,

But, it will be worth it in the end,

Stay strong, stay focused.

You see, I was only four,

He would just stand at my door,

I was too tired and all I saw was a blur,

I felt scared and tried to stay awake,

My eyes would drift,

I would force them to open,

To see the blur coming closer,

I would freeze and gasp for air,

Drift up high above my bed,

Wanting to scream and nothing came out,

Then I would look down,

What's he doing to me?

I'm looking at me,

Why is he doing this?

He walks away and looks back and smiles,

I come back down and close my eyes.

I fall asleep in silence.

I'm not afraid to spread the word,

I'm sure you all heard,

This is not to happen know more,

So if you hear a knock at the door,

Don't be afraid to answer it,

It's just me and I will sit,

I will help you get out,

There is know doubt,

Just answer the door,

There is a lot more,

In this life to live for.

She wakes up in the dawn,

To her most favorite song,

The sound of the voice,

Makes her feel she has a choice,

There will be no more hate,

That she will have to  take,

There will be no more black,

There will be no more blue,

Too much to live for,

Too much to do,

There comes a time,

This one is mine.

The heart is racing, 

It can't keep up,

What will it do?

Should I run after it?

Should I stop it?

It hurts so bad,

It's making me very sad,

I hate how it feels,

I'm starting to get sick,

I know it will take sometime,

I wish it would just hurry,

I'm in a race,

I'm not done yet,

I have not won yet.

My child in me is hurting so bad,

She feels nothing but guilt and shame,

She only just turned 8 years old,

How did she even know?

He was only four,

She forced him to the floor,

The look in his eyes were teared,

She though this was normal,

He started crying and she stopped,

She is so sorry she tried to hurt you,

She did not know it was wrong,

This is all she knew,

She was only 8 years old.

( I feel sick, ashamed and angry for doing such a thing. Me being abused daily as a child, only new and thought this was normal play. I can't believe I did this. If I could take this back I would. I would take my abuse over and over again. This hurts me more then anything. Does he remember and suffer, I don't know what to do or even say. I feel horrible.)

This is a flashback I had no control over at counseling the other day. I became a child with fear and saddness. This has left me numb and hateful towards myself. I am so sorry if this has triggered anybody. Here I thought I was moving forward and now I have fallen hard. I have been speed healing and fast forwarding my healing process. Now I will have to rewind and pause it and slow the race down I was doing with my healing. I will only crash again if I don't. Sorry dear cousin and sorry to all of you.

My mind has been so empty lately, I have had no flashbacks and no sadness. Everything is blank, I seem to be struggling to think of my abuse, but when I do, there is nothing there and I am not effected by this. This upsets me, but is also good. It's nice to not have anything negative on my mind but, I am so used to it, I feel empty. I'm not depressed about it, I just feel lost with it. I remember everything but I'm not dwelling about it. Does this mean I am moving forward with it? Does it mean I have found my coping ways with it? Does anyone else have this going on, or had happen to them? I like where I'm at right now and hope I don't wake tomorrow with it all back. Somehow I don't think it will, because I have been feeling this way for awhile now. This is not a struggle I'm having, this is an answered prayer. I think. I hope.

Courage gives victory to overcome ones enemy.

Structure gives evidence of support.

Intelligence clears ones mind for reasoning.

Power allows one to forgive.

Generosity gives peaceful times and prosperity.

Direction is mending ones way through life.

Willpower is conquering ones initial difficulties.

Strength  gives power to overcome emotional sorrow.

We all have total control.

Hunger pains hurt my tummy,

The fridge is empty and cupboards are bare,

So hungry, so weak, so sad,

"Mommy what will we eat today"?,

Her look is drawn with sadness,

She looks through all the cupboards,

Can't find a thing to make,

I step away and kick my dads office door in,

To find a walet full of money,

How dare he not feed us,

How dare he not care,

He is a terrorist to me,

He is a terrorist to my family,

I walk to my mother and hand her some money,

She asks were did you get this,

I said god gave it to me,

I walked away knowing I would be punished.

I start from the bottom,

I work my way to the top,

I get to a point,

I then have to stop,

I stay there for a bit,

I then continue up,

I know I can do it,

I know I am tough,

I can see the light,

I can feel the release,

I look straight ahead,

I  see it's me.

I get to my point,

I know I might fall,

I only have to climb back up.

I already know it all.

My mind is like a time bomb,

It's ready to go off at anytime,

I look in the mirrow and what do I see,

I see my father, we have the same eyes,

Then I lose focus and see him,

It's so scary and strange,

Then my eyes start to tear,

There he is, crying right in front of me,

Is this really happening?

My mouth moves, I hear him say" I'm sorry",

"I did not mean to abuse you",

My heart starts to hurt and I tell him "it's ok".

I then see myself teary eyed and pale,

I wipe my eyes and look around,

My babies are asleep in their beds,

I smile and kiss their checks,

My heart is filled with lightness,

What just happened to me?

Somewhere out there is a child crying,

Hiding from pain, hiding from dieing,

The marks on thier skin are black and blue,

Nobody seems to care or have a clue,

No where to go, don't even care,

Why is it so hard, it's just not fare,

Time is up,  thier pulse is fading,

I will sit here, I will be waiting,

Send an angle dear god,

Save this child dear god,

Stop the abuse dear god.

The joy I feel when I look into by childrens' eyes,

They are so pure and innocent in thier lives,

Thier smiles and laughter make my heart flutter,

The only other person that does this is my lover,

They are what make me feel so alive,

There is nothing else in this world that I thrive,

When I am gone I hope they see,

How happy they have made me.

,

,

The stress and pressure have just set in,

School starts tomorrow and where do I begin,

I will go to the school board and see what I can find,

Hopefully by the end of the day, I won't lose my mind,

Why is it I have to right poems about my feelings,

When it comes to my memories, I write it like it is,

I know this sounds so boring and stupid,

I have such a routine with everyhting I do,

Now I feel all very frustrated and confused,

I make sure everything is in order,

I have to for my daughter,

This may not sound like a big deal,

This is how I live, this is how I heal,

My sleepness nights are getting to me

I can't do the next morning anymore

I have babies to take care of

I am struggling now more

Hoping and praying to get the rest I need

I am afraid this is so distroying me

Can  someone please tell me how to sleep

I have not slept in weeks

I feel very very weak.:(

I'm tired, burnt out, just want to sleep.

Too much bullshit these past weeks.

The stuff that was offered, why did you bother.

Knowing damb well this would effect my daughter.

Now we try to figure out a solution.

And to look at it like it was a delution.

Last minute we are told.

How could you be so cold.

( Wow this really fucks up my head space right now, my daughter was to go to a private school, starting this tuesday, we were just told that she won't be going now. This was planned from last year. Told last minute. I don't no were to put her and now she will get shitty classes too. This is'nt cool, very upseting.)

If you had another chance to raise me again, what would you do?

Would you love me and play with me?

Would I be your little princess?

Would you read to me and laugh with me?

Would we play in the park?

Would I look up to you and love you?

Would I not be scared of you?

Would I be happy to call you father?

What would you do?

Look into my eyes,

What do you see,

Do you see pain,

Or do you see me,

I'm hiding it well,

I know you can't tell,

You don't need to know,

I'm afraid you might go,

It's better this way,

For me to say,

Nothing is wrong,

Lets just carry on.

Tears are falling from the sky,

Thunder and lightening flashing by,

Little girl is so scared and sad,

She runs and hides away from her dad,

Hoping she will not be found,

She digs a hole into the ground,

Dad is yelling out her name,

He says it's only a fun game,

She is so scared she starts to scream,

Then wakes up, ( it's only a dream.)

,

There are so many things I wanted to say,

There are so many things that were taken away,

There are so many things I hate you for,

There are so many things at my door,

There are so many things that make me cry,

There are so many things I don't know why,

There are so many things you did to me,

There are so many things I no longer see.

There are so many things you'll never know,

There are so many things it's time to let go.

She holds her ears in a locked box,

I can no longer hear you,

She holds her eyes in a locked box,

I can no longer see you,

She holds her body in a locked box,

You can no longer touch me,

I'm not opening up,

This is where I will stay,

I don't have to let you in.

I'm getting dizzy and light headed,

I feel like I might even faint,

I clench my jaw tight together,

I'm getting jaw pain,

I'm getting a  headache,

My eyes are getting blurry,

I'm starting to feel weak,

I'm having a flashback,

I see him, he's got a hold of my neck and I can't breath,

I look deep into his eyes,

I see he is scared,

Of me telling or getting found out?

He lets go and walks away,

I stand there in shock and hold my breath,

"Don't say anything, please don't say anything",

( I suffer all the time with my breathing, I hold my breath a lot, I can't seem to breath right.)

Under the bed I hide,

Under the bed I hide,

Under the bed I hide,

Under the bed I am found,

Under the bed I cry,

Under the bed I scream,

Under the bed can't hide,

Under the bed can't hide,

Under the bed can't hide,

Under the bed I die.

She's Curled up in a ball in the corner of her room.

She wishes she had a friend to play with.

"Hello, do you want to play?"a voice says.

She looks around and can't see anyone.

"Do you want to play dolls?"the voice says.

She starts playing dolls with the voice she hears.

The voice was a girl she started playing with.

She did'nt feel alone anymore.

She had someone to play and talk with now.

"Don't worry he can't hurt you anyone."

"I will hold your hand and take your pain away."

"You won't feel nothing anymore."

" Shh. I'm your secret friend."

I am masking my pain with big clouds of smoke,

Laughing at everything like it's a big joke,

The voices in my head don't make any sense,

All of a sudden this is making me tense,

My family is wondering what I will gain,

All I want to do is get ride of the pain,

The time has come for me to realize,

I can no longer hide from everyones eyes.

I know you hurt as a child,

I know things were hard for you,

I know you suffered dearly,

I know you were abused,

I am sorry this happened,

I am sorry you feared,

I am sorry you were broken,

But now I am confused.

"Would you not want this curse to end?"

"Why would you continue this cycle?"

"This makes no sence, you were abused and you abused me."

"WHY?"

( I found out awhile back that my father was abused by someone in his family. It was every type of abuse. I also learnt that my father abused his younger brother when he was a child, which lead his brother ( my uncle) to suicide after he was married with a small child, his daughter was 3 years old. This is no excuss for my father to abuse me just because he was, he had a choice and he continued this horrible cycle instead of breaking it.)

I look to my right and I see a bright light and a voice says put your belt on right now, my arm is forced and I snap the seatbelt on.

I was 15 going on 16 years old. At my best friends house with her friend. She just got her license. "lets go to the store and get a movie and junk food for the night." We all get into the car I am in the back, my bestfriend is in the front of me. The music is playing we are laughing and singing. Around a corner we go, " slow down, watch out for the sidewalk." my friend yells. Screaming is all I heard.

Flip. flip, flip,flip flip, 5 times I count. We hit something really hard. I wake in a daze hanging from my side from the seat belt. Sparks are flying from the power box we hit. I am scremimg and crying, " Where is Nina". my friend is gone.

The jaws are ripping the car apart, the driver is getting her hair cut off, it was stuck in the door. I am told to breath deep "you are ok , your leg is broken." I look down and in shock start to scream it 's dangling at the ankle. I am put on a strecher. I look for Nina, she is in a garden bed in front of a house. They look to be giving her mouth to mouth.  I heard them say she's gone, then I heard "wait, she is breathing."

I had broken my tibia in 2 places really bad, I rod was put in and pins at the ankle. I suffered a bad concusion and broken toes. My leg the next night started getting infected and then started getting gangreen. I was told by my mother that prayers were being held all over for me. Mom came in the next day after and told me that my leg was really bad and I knew what she was going to say, "they will cut it won't they." My mom started to cry.

Next morning I wake and look at my leg , doctor was standing there in complete shock and said "well I guess you healed over night, we will keep our eye on this to make sure,it doe'nt get bad again." My mom was waiting at the door, looked at me and smiled, I said "what's goign on." " We put you on a world wide prayer line ( Huntley Street ) last night for you to not loose your leg." "It was answered."

My story has touched you,

My story has you hurt,

My story is real,

My story has a lot of pain,

My story is hard for you,

My story is  bringing memories to you,

I know you are not ready to deal with your pain,

But know I am here and waiting for you,

I love you.

I am sleeping and dreaming of running in a field of flowers,

I hear someone calling my name,

"Melanie, Melanie wake up dear,"

"I have some beautiful news to tell,"

I struggle to open my eyes but can't,

"Wake up please don't leave us not yet,"

She kisses my check as a tear rolls down my face,

"We have someone new coming hold on,"

"Your sister is pregnant you are going to be an Auntie,"

I open my eyes and look into my mothers,

"I am not going anyware my angle has come to save me."

Annie and the Wizard of OZ were the first movies I saw as a child and love them to this day. I played them for my neice at 3 yrs. old, she is now 20yrs. and she loves them. I played them for my daughter at 2yrs. old, she is 15 yrs now and she still loves them. I get to play them again for my 2 year old girl and 1 year old boy. When they watch them thier eyes don't move from the screen.

....Annie, when I first watched this I was 7 years old. I memorized this movie and all the songs. I wished I was in an orphanage and  I was Annie and got adopted to a family that sung, danced and was full of life. This is when I strated to sing and when I did, I felt so free. I would sing in my back yard on the picnik table to my dog Chemo. I remember sitting there and singing the same song over and over again (the sun will come out tomorrow through away the cob webs and the sorrow, they'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow so you got to hang untill tomorrow.) I would sing my heart and soul into it. Even at such a young age I can still remember, I can still feel how I felt, the energy, the happiness of this song. Makes me smile. I felt so good and sad because I wanted a new family. I did'nt like this one anymore. I did'nt like my dad doing those things to me. I did'nt like seeing my mom hurt by him. I did'nt like him beating my sister. I just hated it, I hated him but I tried my best to make him happy, so I would feel close to him, special, and loved.

Continued from After I told....

My step father (now) my mothers friend (then), got my mother and sister out of the home and set them up in a hotel till my mother found a place for us. I was to stay in the foster home till I had a home to go to. I visited my mother a few times and noticed her and my sister only had there clothes and not much else. This I was not going to except. I got involved, I was no longer scared of my father. I asked my foster mother and social services if there was something one could do to get our belongings. I was told we could'nt do anything at this time. I was pissed, not only did we all have to go different directions and be split up, the asshole got to sit in our home with all our stuff and our pets. I'm like fuck that, my foster mom helped. I asked her to please arrange with my father and the police and myself, yup you did'nt read this wrong me to go and get our belongings. The day came, I went with my foster mother in her van to load what we could. Knowing that if there was any problems, police would intervene. As I walked towards the door of my house I looked at my foster mother and she said breath you will be ok I am here with you. My heart was in my throat and I was soaked with sweet and shaking. I opened the door and walked in, my father was sitting at the table, I have not seen him for almost a year I am almost 14 years old. I look at him, he looks at me I tell him this is my foster mother and she has come to pack up the kitchen we have are boxes in hand. He says go ahead I don't want anything in the kitchen. I then proceed to walk by him and go up to my room. I come up and down with blankets and pillows. He is watching I can tell he is looking at what I have. I walk by again and up the stairs. As I walked to my room I felt extreme panic and I heard the bells I used to hear ringing in my head. ( I can't believe I can still feel what I felt so long agoe, The feelings to me are so intence like they just happened .) I looked around and did not know what to pack. I did'nt want a thing. I did not want the memories. I left everything, but I grabbed a long round pillow on my bed, I am so sure it was from my mothers mom. I walked back to the kitchen and my dad grabbed the pillow from my hands and said you can not have this, it is not yours. I was so mad we did alittle tug  back and forth. I looked at him, my foster mother was looking and I said 'FUCK YOU." Well he was furious, my F. mother jumped in and said enough I will call for the police. He backed off. She was mad and at me too. I went to my mom's bedroom to collect the photo albums and again he said no. My f. mother said ok lets gather what we have and go Melanie. I grabbed the bird cage and said can I take my bird and I remember him saying ya I don't need a stupid bird. My mother already took our cat. As we walked out with some stuff, I turned around and said another"FUCK YOU." Slammed the door. We got in the van my foster mother started it up and said don't ever do that again he could of done something horrible to you to us he is a crazy man. I looked at her and said sorry but I told him "FUCK YOU". We both laughed it felt good. I now look at it as material belongings beside the photos cause those you can not replace, but my grandmother had lots for us. I got to tell him off, after all my years of abuse I told him.

This is'nt the only time I told him off. I got to again a couple years later that is another story of mine. Sorry for all the F U's.

I'm Tired,

I'm Sleeping,

I'm Numb,

I'm Tingling,

I'm Burning,

I'm Ripping,

I'm Cloudy,

I'm Dizzy,

I'm Drifting,

I'm Floating,

I'm Looking,

I'm Crying,

I'm Screaming,

I'm Waking.