It's hard to look at her beautiful precious eyes,
All I remember at this age is all the scary lies,
She plays so peacefully with her little brother,
I would hide in closets and scream for my mother,
Words come out of her mouth so innocent, pure and sweet,
Mine where hidden in my mind if I dare share I would be beat,
She's so young and smart and tells me everything of her day,
I always sat in silence I was too scared to even say,
So now I relive my childhood through her eyes,
I pretend I'm her with no endless lies.
Looking back at all those years,
Living with pain and constant fears,
One would think how did you survive,
All I say is I'm stoked to be alive,
At one time I wanted to die,
That was my brain telling me a lie,
You may feel like hell is on earth,
But wait till you experience a new birth,
It does get better only you can make it happen.
Walking through a crowd,
I look across the way,
A child looks me in my eyes,
We lock eyes,
I read her like I understand,
I smile, she lowers her head in shame,
I feel her hurt, her pain.
I look at who is holding her hand,
An anger man with dreadful eyes,
We lock eyes,
I read him but, I don't understand,
I give him a sad look,
He senses my thoughts,
He lowers his head to the ground.
So innocent so pure.
This age I remember the most.
She plays and laughs.
She's free spirit and joy.
I sat in silence and cried.
I never played, I hid.
I look at her and I heal.
She is me at the age of three.
So innocent so pure.
Why are my friends aloud to play?
As I close my eyes and pray.
Dear lord why are they so happy?
As I sit here feeling crappie.
Do they have hurt and pain?
Do they hold it all in shame?
Am I the only one?
I don't think so.
I'm embarrassed right now so much. I split at work today and cried unbelievably. There was a paper at my staff table, about a little girl that got murdered in our town by her step father. I didn't even know about it and I would not expect to read about it at my work as I drink my coffee. First I got pissed right off and sad who in fuck would leave something like this in here. Then I started to cry uncontrollably. Everyone just looked at me, nobody knows anything about me. So, I split and became two different ulters. I know I was looked at in disbelief, but one girl stepped in and said this is inappropriate reading to have at our lunch table and asked if I was ok. Then the next thing you know I'm Me again and embarrassed and confused. Fuck, I did not want anything like this to happen to me at work. Tomorrow I go back and I hope nobody looks at me differently. I'm scared to go back but, I have to. I hope this doesn't happen again to me.
July will be a year I have been on PWP. It has come by so fast, I remember the day I joined, I was so scared and so hurting. Wow, I have come so far since then. This site amongst everyone here kept me motivated to keep fighting and moving forward with my healing. I thank you for that. I hope I have helped others as well as you have helped me. Baby steps is all I took, everyday was different, some were big fucken steps to find that they were too much. As I close my eyes at night I think of all my friends and to everyone on PWP, I have come across and wish you all peaceful dreams and wake to a beautiful day. Love you all. xo
I wrote an entry on how I became in contact with my long lost family. This is my fathers side of the family. When I told my secret at 13 years of age to my fathers side, they disowned him as well and have not heard from him either. It has been 24 years since I have seen or heard from any of my family members on this side. My secret became something I dreaded and that was I lost all contact with my family. A lot of lost years that was not called for. Don't know what or why this happened, it just did. I will get to the point. Myself and my sister are going to be reunited with them all ( except our father of course) this Saturday being June 19. I am so fucking excited and scared at the same time. It has been so long and we will all be in the same room. It is a baby shower for a cousin, I do not even remember. How will I cope through this, with a fake big smile and holding back tears. I have alot of resentment towards my Aunties because I was 13 years old and they not only through my father out of there lives but, also me, mom and my sister. Why? Why? This will not be the place or time to ask these questions this I know. At least this will be a moment of gentle hugs and hopefully a memory of joy for me and my sister to share. I hope to not split on this day as they have know idea this can happen to me but, if it does, so be it. They will see what this past abuse has done to me. I took this day off of work and the next because I don't know how I will feel afterwards. I could be ok, but then I might not. Just wanted to share with you all that I'm being reunited and I hope this is good. Much love to you all. xo
It was hard to figure out where I wanted to go in my healing journey. I didn't know where I was in the present. I mean I needed to understand the effects of childhood sexual abuse to help me to assess where I was and where I wanted to be. I took a look at how sexual abuse has affected my life. It was self-esteem, feelings, family, intimacy, work, school, my body and my spirituality. I got to know what it all is and I worked everyday on one of these issues that stopped me from moving forward. I felt fear of having anyone love me because I was hurt from everyone who did. I felt powerless, I never knew I could say no. Everyone walked all over me even my own children. I felt loneliness, I never felt that I belonged anywhere and I could be in a crowd of people and still felt alone. Depression was and still is my number one enemy, It makes me feel empty inside nothing but darkness. I used to wish I was dead, I felt crazy. Of course lets not forget anger, I wanted to hunt my father down and kill him. All the men I had in my life wanted one thing. (Sex). So these are some of my ways of coping. First my decision to heal, I recognized the effects of my abuse and made a commitment to be active in my healing. Going through the stages of remembering my memories and feelings and believing it happened. Understanding that it wasn't my fault and place the blame where it belongs, with my father. Finding my child within has helped me feel compassion for myself, more anger with my father and lots of greater intimacy with others. I have kept a chart on my fridge for myself and others to read if they wish. This is a chart of tracking my emotions from events through out the day/week and the outcomes either it be good or bad. I go back to it and read it at the end of the week and see where I need more help on in my communication with others. This works so great for me. If I have not communicated my emotions of whatever incident occurred then I know this is what I need to work on. I used to keep all feelings inside because I felt guilty of having a feeling and I felt I had no right. Now I have learnt that emotions are ok. Good or bad. My favorite saying ( I have the right to say no to the things I don't want to have happen to me, and the right to ask for what I need, want, and deserve for myself.) Forgiveness was my choice to make, I freed myself from my fathers power and control, I took back my power gained my freedom, he can't hurt or control me anymore and I forgive myself. I won this battle and he is alone.
I have written past memories of my childhood in small stories. Now I am going to share it all in a nut shell. Many of you all ready know most of my life but, I have now my ending to share. So please bare with the detail and the bluntness. I shared most of this with my past therapy group and now I will share with you.
My abuse started very young. I remember 4 years old to 13 years old like it was yesterday. I remember all detail, feel, look and smell. I now have feelings of it starting as early as diapers. This I know because when I change my children's diapers or wipe them down or even bath them, I panic and hurry with the process and hold my breath and tears at the same time. A day never went by without my father abusing me. I never slept because I would be woken up or worse woke in the morning to my clothes ripped or on the floor. My father was a very violent man. He was a drunk, pedophile and a rapist. He would beat my sister, mother and myself for just being in the way. My mother was rapped by this man and I believe but, with out proof that he was a serial rapist. I was threatened to not tell about my abuse or I would be killed. Until one day at 13 years old I told my hidden secret and that abuse ended. I was put in foster care for a year. Growing up through my adolescence was horrible. I was put in a psycho ward for a year because I was suicidal, suffered from depression and hallucinations. So, I sat in padded rooms all drugged up most of the time until they thought I was ready to go back into the "norm" world again. Maybe they didn't keep me in long enough, for I became addicted to sex, drugs (cocaine) and alcohol and cigs. My mother and new step father realised I had a problem, after finding out I had taken all my medication. I was in a comma in the hospital for some time and then put away again, this time in a detox full of fucken nut jobs. I became very promiscuous after that and collected along the way many stds. But, my father gave me the gift I will have for the rest of my life (Herpes.) So every time I have a breakout, I see and feel my father and his fucken smirk on his face. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the age of 9 years old, because I was told never to tell by my father. He said it was a yeast infection. When I turned 21 years old, I sure found out what it was because my oldest daughter was covered from head to toe ( what they thought to be Herpes.) Thank the lord it wasn't she was blessed to only have been burnt from my placenta. She should have been born three weeks prier to that. So, my daughter is my miracle child. I have been in and out of therapy since 13 years to now being 37 years. I suffer from dissociation, depression, borderline personalities with occasional suicide thoughts. I'm on medication right now for the depression and it seems to be working well. There are many chapters of my life but, I will stop at this.
I have come along way and it has not been easy. I still have a lot more to work on. I am not healed nor will I ever be but, for me to carry on I have forgiven all that has harmed me. Not because they deserve this, but I deserve this. I could tell you one thing, I would never change my past and want anything different ( except have money.) lol because I would not have what I have today, my family, my friends, all of you here and my strong belief in the lord. I am a strong woman and I'm a survivor. So now I practice to be impeccable with my word. To not take anything personally. To not make assumptions and always do my best.
( Prayer for love)
Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life. Amen. ( This is for all of you.) I love you.
I'm surrounded in a room full of strong survivors,
We have joined together in a deep journey as divers,
Searching through the endless weeds for hope and strength,
Surfacing to the top and stretching our bodies to full length,
As the weeks go by our time will come to an end,
Knowing that we have all connected with a friend.
( I have just finished 10 weeks of group therapy with 6 wonderful strong woman. This has been the most amazing experience for me in my healing. I have leaped into a positive look on my life and I recommend if anyone is wanting to do this and can in your area, try it out. I will miss these wonderful strong woman. I'm looking forward to my next journey in my healing.)
I put this under struggles because lately my life, my families life has been a struggle. I didn't know when my next meal would be, worried to get an eviction notice, waiting for power and heat to be cut off. Yes, it is that drastic. It's been very hard constantly borrowing money to survive. I just wanted to say thank you Mandee for your prayers. I'm at aw today because the phone has not stopped ringing, I have without a lie 3 interviews this afternoon. Andrew has 1. It has happened for us in just a few hours and I'm overwhelmed with joy. I just wanted to share this with you. Thank you.
These days are flying by too fast,
I wish it was like this in my past,
Those days seemed endless, dragged on,
Only to have today and yesterday be gone,
I'm worried what the future will bring,
I'm waiting for my phone to ring,
Please give me the answer I wish to hear,
Of the one so close to me I call dear,
She struggles day in and out,
"Wait"! my phone won't ring, it's me I'm talking about.
Turn the switch on,
Turn the switch off,
Her eyes shut tight,
Her eyes wide open,
The evil is in,
I would like to share an experience my mother and father shared when my mom fell ill.
Mom was at work (a teacher) and started to feel very hot, sweaty, dizzy and nauseous. It was almost the end of work, so she decided she was going to leave early. A co-worker noticed her state and said maybe you should sit. My mother heard a voice in her head telling her to stay still. She listened and she sat and she waited. Just when my mother had sat down, she started to clench her chest, the pain went up her arm into her chest. She fainted onto the floor. The paramedics arrived and could not find her pulse. My mother said she was aware of what was going on but, all she could see was big black boots surrounding her. All mom did was pray for this not to be her time. All she could see was all of us(family) in her mind. The voice said calm you will be fine. She then realised she was still here because of the oxygen mask on her face and the echo of the paramedics voices in the ambulance.
Meanwhile at my daughters surgery, my step father got a call saying what had happened with my mother. My daughter was in recovery from her surgery and was almost ready to be brought back home to me. Knowing this he would be with my mother very soon. As he hung up his cell phone it rang again, this time a woman asked for my step father. She asked if someone needed prayers right now and found a need to call because she felt something was not right. My father went speechless not understanding what was happening. Who was this lady and how did she know something was wrong. He finds out it is a member from his church. She did not know anything and felt she had to phone right away. Call this a coincidence or not. They then prayed.
Now my father is by my mothers side, and tells her about this phone call. My mother starts to cry, She said before my father arrived she felt a deep feeling in her heart and heard a faint prayer but it was not her and anyone around saying it. She opened her eyes and all her pain was gone. The machines read she had normal pulse, blood pressure etc.
Now tell me, is this a beautiful, inspirational story. The lord works in mysterious ways and the power of prayers can heal.
(Here is something my counsellor shared with me and I want to share this with you. It makes complete sense. I hope you feel the same. I've done this and put my kit away and safe. You never know when you might fall and want to give up.)
Create for yourself a suicide survival kit. This is to contain things that you think will be helpful at a time when you are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Put these objects in a box, in a place where it's easy for you to get to.
- pictures of family, friends, pets etc. of those whom you love and love and sustain you.
- letters written by loved ones or yourself reminding you of all the things that are valuable and worth living.
- small cherished objects.
- tea bag as a reminder to make yourself a cup of tea before you take any action that might cause harm.
- chocolate bar or favorite candy.
- CD of your favorite songs, ones that give you sense of hope, something long enough to listen through so that your self destructive thoughts would have time to pass.
- a book of poems or meditation that help you to have perspective.
- maybe some verses and prayers from the bible.
- A list of support people who would be willing to listen and talk with you at such a time.
- a journal and pen to write down how you are feeling and what brought you to this.
( Putting this kit together is a strong and positive message to yourself, your life is important enough that you will put the time and resources into building your kit. We all want to heal and move forward but, sometimes it feels hopeless. Remember, your life does have a meaning and purpose.)
( Again I'm no counsellor I only share what has been given to me, I see way too many survivors on here daily wanting to end there lives. If I can help in anyway for you to change your mind, this would be it. I'm hoping. I love all of you and hate to see the suffering and pain.) God bless everyone. xo
Is there more to life than living?
I think it's all about giving,
Some may say it's about forgiving,
Once you've been hurt,
You're put on alert,
How can one then think there's more?
When all you do is fight in this war,
Staying positive is hard to do,
When negative sticks to you like glue,
Well I say yes there's more to life,
It's on the end of my knife,
I don't mean to scare you,
I cut deep down into view,
Of my damaged heart and put in a new one,
This one shines like a summer sun,
There's more to life, this I know,
Cause if you look at me I glow.:)
I was in a session yesterday with my counsellor and talked about boundaries with my teenage daughter. (I have none.) I have been acting like a friend to her, for so long. I realise this is not going to work like this and have to step up and be a mother. I mean ya, I'm mother and I care for her like a mother should but, we are missing a few important things in her growing into a young lady. I guess I became this way with her because I was afraid she might turn around and say she'll leave to go back to her fathers or something. Which she wouldn't and that's another story. She suffers from an ulcer and is awaiting surgery. I got into talking about my daughter because of her ulcer and the way she is and what would have caused this ulcer. Well, everything has caused this ulcer. I told my counsellor what she seems to be going through emotionally/physically and it was agreed that she is suffering from the pain and not 100% knowing that it is an ulcer yet but, also depression. The symptoms she has are, feelings of hopelessness, having no energy and tired all the time, crying for no apparent reason and also not being able to cry when she wants, can't concentrate, loss of appetite and change in sleep ( no sleep), headaches and of course the stomach pain. Now keep in mind she does have an ulcer that would cause most if not all of these signs. I showed my daughter a form that was given to me for her and she broke down and said wow, that was her. Besides the pain she endures on a regular basis, she can say she is depressed. She has agreed she wants help but, when the surgery is booked and over with and her health is a little bit better. There's so much to get into about this. I really don't know where to start, except that I look at my daughter and I can only wish I was like her at this age. I let her do whatever she wants, she gets most times what she wants. I 'm not teaching her boundaries. We all need healthy boundaries to survive and we need to set boundaries to create healthy relationships. I could go on and on about this but, I won't. I just wanted to share that I had a huge awakening yesterday and a huge step towards my healing and understanding what boundaries really mean and how not having them can affect a persons life. My daughter is a beautiful young lady with a huge bright future ahead of her and I'm incredibly proud of her. Love you my angle.
Tomorrow is a big day for my sister and I. She will be arriving in the morning to my home. She has decided to proceed in getting some help for herself. So I printed out for BC, a criminal victims form for her to fill out. As I go through these forms there are 12 pages to go through. This is going to be rough on her and very challenging. I pray I have enough strength to help her through this. There is a section on there about the times and days experience etc... and I know this is going to be a trigger for her and hoping not for me. The more she writes though the better because this will give her eligibility for free counselling etc... The first step for my sister was opening up and asking for help. This is going to be the second step for my sister in her healing. I'm so proud of her, I will be right beside her through everything. I know though, that I have to keep strong for myself and not forget where I'm at in my healing and continue with mine as well. I just wanted to share this with you, I have several posts about my sister on how I resent her and pity her and how she was abusive to her family and my mother and I but, I do love her no matter what and I do forgive her because none of it was her fault. I blame everything on our father the ABUSER. I hope one day to tell my sister about this site, but I'm not ready yet for her to read my posts. Also I feel this is my place to be right now and I don't want to share. I have not told anybody about this site because this is were I let it all out. If I share to my family and friends here, I will hold a lot in and what would be my purpose to be on here then. I hope that doesn't sound selfish.
It's so hard to talk with someone and look them in the eyes,
I feel so stupid and I always look away,
I get into a conversation and forget what I'm talking about,
Then I feel really stupid and start to talk about something else,
I always feel my face go red and my eye starts to twitch,
Fuck I hate it, then I have to be fake and out comes that smile,
I pretend I'm ok and hurry talking so I can get away.
I always feel someone can read me and tell that I'm scarred,
I always laugh and I'm friendly people seem to like me,
I can't help but feel I'm being judged.
As my heart crumbles and scatters to the ground,
It still manages to make this incredible sound,
It starts to mend the pieces together one by one,
Some fit and some get stuck and feel like a ton,
As they slowing go back into place,
I somehow feel like I'm in a race,
My heart starts to pound and I feel so alive,
I feel the strength and I know I can survive.
As I sit alone today I wonder what to do,
All my memories are coming forward,
I now know what my coping skills are,
To not be alone and keep busy,
I have nothing to do right now but sit,
I'm so busy everyday that I'm not focused on my past,
Today is a day I see and hear all my memories,
Maybe this is good so I can look at them,
Put them in my memory box,
There I know they are safe.
(I had a flashback the other day and fell to the ground,
I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth,)
I was four and hiding behind my dresser,
Crying and very scared,
I took a bottle of pills I got a hold of,
I took the whole bottle of pills,
I don't know what they were,
I sat there in silence praying to not be found,
My mohter and father walked in and saw the bottle of pills,
"Did you take all these pills my mother says?"
" Yes, mommy am I in trouble?"
That's all I see, that's all I hear nothing else,
(But now what's left in my mind is the wondering why nothing was done,
Why would a four year old try to kill herself?
I did'nt take them because I thought they were candy,
The signs were all there.)
Finding out more and more about my father is killing me but, making me go even further in proceeding with court. He was born into an abusive family, it's known that his grandmother or mother abused him and father beat him. My father abused his younger twin sisters and his youngest brother, he comitted suicide when I was three. He had told my grandmother he did not want to turn out like my father and hurt his own little girls. Shorty after he died. My father abused me, my sister and my mother.There were numerus rapes around my home at a young age that my mother really is convinced it was him and his friend at that time. I believe he is married and his wife has a son being handicapped. So all and all he is a very bad man and very dangerous, he would be 65 years old now and living somewhere in Canada. I am trying my hardest to get this man put away. I have had dreams of a boy asking for help and I feel in my heart he's hurting someone else. I need a ton of prayers from everyone to help me be strong and get him put away. It has been along time since I made a report about him but now my sister's starting to open, I think she will make a report to the police. I am wondering if it is ok to post a picture of him on here. I don't know if I'm aloud to do this. Will I get in some kind of trouble by the law. I really want his face to be known. Even though it would be an old picture. Sorry for the going on but, this is what is on my mind and I'm going to explode. Thank you for taking the time to read this.xo
My sister opened up the other day and told me she is having memories of our father abusing her. She told me these two that I still can't stop picturing in my head and laughing my ass off. You will most likely get this picture in yours as you read.
I posted a entry on here awhile back about not having any privacy while in the bath. Well, one day my sister being around 13 years, was in the shower and heard a noise at the ajoining door from my parents closet to the bathroom. She looked from outside the shower and no one was there but the door was opened alittle. She felt scared so she turned off the shower and wiped up fast and ran to her room. Next time she had a shower she was not in it and left the water running and stood beside the door in her shirt and shorts with a bucket of hot hot water. The door opened and my sister through the bucket of hot water through the crack of the door. Then the door slammed and she ran to the other door going out of the bathroom to see our father running down the stairs soaked from head to toe. HAHAHA that's what you get you bastard.
Another my sister set up a trap at her doorway, again being 13 or 14 years old. She set up a fishing line at foot hight in her door way with cans on the end of the line. If anyone would happen to fall over the line the cans would make a huge noise. Well, what do you know, the idiot tried to cross the line. Sister jumped out of bed and told him to fuck right off. Crazy thing is, he did not get mad and beat the crap out of her like she thought he would. He just got up and walked away.
My sister was pretty smart and saved herself from repeated rapes I'm sure would have happened. There are many times my sister set up traps so she would be woken in the night. I guess he tried alot of the abuse when we were sleeping. I know I got abused alot during the hours of being asleep.
I took a bath last night for me time,
I had a sented candle going,
I layed in the hot water,
Turned off my mind,
Thought of nothing,
I was in darkness with a tint of light,
No sound, just my heart beat,
Deep breath in and exhale,
I was in complete meditation,
Then something happened,
I felt light and I floated,
I started to pray to God,
Set me free from all this past,
Make me whole and happy,
Take away and forgive me for my sins,
Forgive all that has hurt me,
Let me have what I want,
What I want is to be me,
My inner child to be at peace.
I said it before and I say it again,
Thank you all for being my friend,
It's here on this site that I feel the connection,
The respect and understanding,
From everyone I talk too and from those I don't,
I have 310 friends on my list,
Many more to add,
Most I have talked to at least a few times.
We All share the same thing.
Being a survivor,
It blows me away when I look at my friends at home,
They are here but it's not the same as you and I,
We forever will hold a bond,
I love you all,
Growing up with my sister was, lets just say hell. From the day I was born she hated me. She is four years older. As early as I can remember she was so evil and mean to me. One time I remember her sitting in my crib while I was sleeping and she went pee in my bed, ran out and told my father I wet the bed. Now keep in mind I was only 2 years old. So what if I had done this in the first place. I'm a fucken baby right? Wrong, my sister knew that if she told our father he would be pissed and I would get beaten. So, I got a beat. Many many other times she tormented me as well with abuse. She never protected me, walked in several times while my father was abuseing me and she would just walk out and not say a word. All this time I thought she was never abused by my father because she told me that. I thought how can my father just abuse me and not her and why not her? She is 40 years now. She has MS. She struggles with boyfriends, meaning one after another, she is never satisfied with any of them. Today I got a call and she broke down and said that our father abused her too. She is having memories/flashbacks and needed to share them with me. I listened, I cried, my heart hurt with each word she said. Her memories are very painful and brought alot more of mine to the survice as well. You see, I have been dealing with the memories since I was young and I reember mostly everything, I have also been dealing with everything as well. She has not, this would be the first time ever that she excepted my help. I asked her to join counseling with me and let's help eachother through this. I have a huge head start but, she is just begining and this is going to be very hard for her and her health. We have never had a close relationship and this sucks so bad, but she is my sister and regardless of us not being close, we need eachother now. I have to be her cruch and I have to help my sister because if I don't want to see her get ill and suffer. I'm so scared and I 'm crying so hard right now, my chest is killing me. Memories are filling my head right now I feel like I might explode. Is it posible that I can remember seeing and feeling things at lets say, 1 year maybe alittle older? My sister would be 5 years old and she is on my father naked and he is pushing her up and down on him. She told me this and I see it in my mind and I tear up and start to feel sick and very scared. Did I see this or is this just a reaction to what I was just told? Either or, that bastard he took our innocense away from us both. It has fucked up our lives so bad and my sister is starting to see this. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU. Sorry.