I look at your pictures often

But I know that won’t bring you back
But it makes me feel a little closer
It helps me keep your memory close

There’s so many things I never got to say
like how you touched my soul
Or just how much you mean to me
Or sadly I never got to say goodbye or hug you one last time

I will always be thankful for having a friend like you
You gave so much to the world & expected nothing in return
You have such a beautiful soul and every moment with you was a gift
You left us far too soon but I will treasure the memories I have

I would give anything to see you one last time
To see your beautiful smile and hear your voice
Photos aren’t always enough you know
Sometimes I just need you here

There’s not a day that goes past where I don’t think of you
And there’s not a day that I don’t want to
You will always have a special place in my heart
And I hope you are nothing but happy now

I love you always Danni <3
And I miss you more each day
I can’t wait to see you again
But for now, know you are greatly loved and missed on Earth

 I’m sorry for the way I act

I never meant to hurt you
I don’t know why I do it
But the pain feels great and I can’t stop

You see the pain is addictive to me
It’s a distraction from my mental state
Some may say I’m crazy
I wish that made me stop

I started long ago
I picked up my very first blade
Now I can’t put it down
My mind is such a mess

I don’t expect you to understand
But sometimes I wish you’d try
I know its destroying my life
The scars are proof of that

I know I need help
This place is so dark
Tell me how can something so bad?
Feel so fucking great

I am ashamed
I don’t know why I picked it up
Another doctor to stitch me up
Another scar to cover up

I’m sorry sister
I’m sorry friend
But this was never about you
It was just my sweet escape

Dear Mummy
I often wonder why you never loved me the way you should have
I don’t understand how you let Daddy beat me to the ground
Why did you let him hurt me?
Why didn’t you save me from him?
I often ask myself, why you never did anything when you found my blood stained underwear
Was I not important enough?
Was I unworthy of your love?
Why wasn’t I special enough?
Was I just never good enough?
How come you never asked me about my bruises?
How come you blamed me for Daddy’s actions?
There’s so many things I don’t understand like why you never told me you loved me
Why weren’t you there when I needed you most?
Why did you never care enough to be there when I cried?
I wish you could have been there so I could have told you when I was scared
I wish you were there to hug me & tell me things would be okay
Why didn’t you call those times I didn’t come home?
Weren’t you the slightest bit worried?
How could you not even care?
Why didn’t you get me help, when you saw the cuts on my body?
Did it not even bother you, that I was hurting myself?
Why did you never check on me when Daddy beat me & left me alone?
Weren’t you concerned that I wasn’t okay?
You wonder why I don’t want you in my life
Did you just forget about all the pain you caused?
How can you say you love me?
When you treated me so bad?
Actions speak louder than words
So I’m sick of all your lies
Don’t worry about me
My life is better without you in it
I don’t have a Mum & I don’t have a Dad
If I did, I wouldn’t be writing these words
You lost that privilege a long time ago
So you can stop with all of your lies
& leave me alone
Go fool someone else
Cause I’m no longer part of your games
& when I smile, remember its not because of you
& when I cry, remember your part of this pain
So when your crying because you no longer see your baby daughter
Remember always, you’re the only one to blame

 She in the guest bedroom

Just sitting on the floor
She’s playing with toy cars
When he enters the room
She hears the door click
His locked it behind
She suddenly feels scared
She knows what he wants
He picks her off the floor
And throws her down on the bed
She feels her heart race
Its happening again
Her eyes water up
But the tears just won’t fall
She looks around the room
She doesn’t want to see his face
She passes a glimpse at him
But she quickly looks away
I’m looking down at her
The little girl on the bed
Her face is full of fear
But that doesn’t stop him
He takes off her pants
He forces his way inn
She is so little
And he is so big
It really does hurt
And his not even inn
He doesn’t give up
He makes his way inn
She lays there in pain
Yet she can’t seem to scream
She doesn’t put up a fight
She doesn’t even say no
She wants him to stop
But she too afraid to ask
He breathes loudly
He has finished with her
He tells her to put on her clothes
Then he exits the room
She sits on the bed
What just happened to me?
She goes to the bathroom
She sees all the blood
She doesn’t know why
But shes too afraid to ask
Apart of her just died
Just like all the other times
He stripped away her innocence
Without a care in the World
I lay on my bed
I don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to see that awful time
I don’t want to cry
I hold my teddy close
Till the memory comes to an end
But a part of me is still dead
I just want to feel alive

She’s dying
Why can’t anyone see she’s crying
Her head is to the floor
She can’t get up no more

She’s losing control
She grabs all her pills
She swallows them all
She doesn’t want to see another day

Sirens are getting loud
They have come to save her life
But she doesn’t understand
She never asked to be saved

They move in quick
She must get to a hospital
They take her away
She doesn’t even have a say

The girl stops breathing
But they have a machine to save her
The machine breathes for her
She might just be okay

Shes in a coma
Her life is on shaky ground
Everyone is praying she will be okay
But she doesn’t wish for it to be that way

She wakes up
Shes physically okay
But mentally shes a mess
She wishes her life weren’t okay

Another failed attempt
I’m still here breathing
I need someone to save me
Before I fade away

I need a doctor
I want to swallow pills
And make this life end

Call my psychologist
The pain is too much
I can’t keep holding on

Help me
I’m losing control
Please let me go

Swallow Pills
Forget the life you have
This is the end

I’m fading
Can’t you see
Death is beating me

Pass me a blade
I need to see the blood pour
I need this pain to end

I’m sorry
To leave you with this pain
But this is the end

 I want to hide

Find some place safe
I want to shut down
Hide my face from the World

I know people can see it
These dirty memories I carry
People must know that I’m filthy
They must see the scars I so carefully try to hide

I want to close my eyes
Without reliving my past
I want to go to sleep
Without nightmares waking me in such fright

I keep praying
For the day when I walk on strong
I hope it comes soon
Because I’m so sick of living in my past

 Sorry Daddy

For all the times I made you mad
Sorry Daddy
I really was that bad

I did try really hard
I really wished to make you proud
But no matter how hard I tried
I always managed to let you down

What kind of person am I?
That my own father can not love me
I was never good enough
I’ve known that all along

Today is Father’s day
A day to celebrate the man who gave you life
But how can I do that?
When my Daddy knocked me around

I really miss my Daddy
A part of me hates him
Yet somehow I still love him
I guess that makes me kind of sick

Sometimes when I look in the mirror
I see my Daddy
I  have that same angry look
The one he always had

Sometimes I get scared
That Daddy will come after me
But mostly I am scared
That I will turn out like him

 I used to be your cousin

Your pretty little doll
You played with me all the time
I was your dirty little toy

I used to feel scared
Each time you made me bleed
You used to knock me around
Just to keep me afraid

You used to let me know I was yours
That part, I just didn’t have a choice
Your game, you made me play
You thought it was your right, and I had no say

Those years are all gone now
But those memories are still with me
I feel sick when I think of what you done
Because of you I feel dirty all the time

I want to move on
But you’re playing in my head
I want to move on
But I’m not sure if I can

 

 

 I can see them

I can feel them

I think it’s happening again

This is all too real

I’m really scared

I jump in the shower

I feel so dirty

I must remove the smell of them

I must get clean somehow

I scrub and I scratch away at my skin

I cover myself in lots of body wash

But I still feel dirty

I am so fucking dirty

I think they are here with me

It feels all too real

They must be here

I can feel them touching me

Why won’t they leave me alone?

I’m so stupid

I’m so sorry

Please make it stop

I just want to die

A nurse comes inn

She turns the shower off

Why would she do that?

I’m still so fucking dirty

My body’s shaking uncontrollably

I put on my clothes

She takes me into a room

I am breathing really fast

She tells me to slow my breathing down

You’ll make yourself sick

But I don’t know how

I hold my breath instead

She gives me medication

She says this will help calm me down

I wish it would take these flashbacks away

I start punching myself

And banging my head

I wish I could cut

I just wish this would end

I think they are coming

Please, don’t let them hurt me

Please, don’t let them near me

I’m so fucking stupid

They told me not to tell

Why did I have to tell?

So stupid, So stupid, So Stupid!

Please, give me lots of pills

I just want to die

The nurse gets a game

We play connect four

She distracts me so well

She even manages to make me laugh

I come back to reality

I realise they can’t harm me now

It’s not them I need to be afraid of

But rather myself

 

 Take me away

Away from this pain
Take me some place safe
Please, won’t you save me from myself

Flashbacks
They won’t leave me alone
I can feel their dirty touch
It’s making me feel sick and afraid

I want to take a blade
And watch my blood pour out
But I couldn’t cut deep enough
To erase all my pain

I want to swallow pills
I don’t want to take another breath
I just want to fade away
Just make myself go away

Can’t you see
I try so hard just to breathe
I can’t find an escape
So please, save me from myself

 Fuck you Ana

For controlling me the way you have
Fuck you Ana
For stealing the life that I once had

Fuck you Ana
I was never fat like you said I was
Fuck you Ana
My body is my own

Fuck you Ana
For all the lies you made me believe
Fuck you Ana
You’re not controlling me from this moment on

Fuck you Ana
For making me afraid of food
Fuck you Ana
I don’t need you anymore

Fuck you Ana
You can’t control me like you have
Fuck you Ana
I’m better off without you here

 Scars

They cover my arms and legs
Each one tells a story
Of a broken little girl

They tell of a time
When my body was not my own
They tell of a time
When my innocence was taken away

They’re all so ugly
Just like the stories behind them
They all represent a part of my life
And all the pain that I feel

You must think I’m crazy
For taking a blade in my hand
But the memories haunt me all the time
And cutting is my escape

It’s an addiction
Just like a drug
I can’t cut enough
I can never bleed enough

Scars
They represent the child I was
Please help me to stop
Because I can’t on my own

 I was so young

I was only a child
But I wasn’t a kid at heart
As you stole my innocence away

You left me drowning
Unable to reach the surface
You left me in fear
No place feels safe

I don’t know how you sleep at night
Knowing what you did was wrong
How can you live with yourself?
After stealing away from a child

The memories have lingered on
They haunt me all the time
I feel so much pain
I can’t forget the things you done

They say that time heals everything
But I don’t think time can heal
Too much has been done
And I’m afraid I can’t move on

 Videos of you

Keep me up in the night
Leave me in the pain
Of my four year old self

I feel sick
When I see you in my mind
I feel afraid
As your touch feels so real

I scrub my skin really hard
But I can’t remove the smell of you
I feel dirty because of you
It doesn’t matter what body wash I use

I bang my head against a wall                          
I’ll do anything to escape you
I can feel a different pain
A pain that is a relief from the pain I feel inside

Videos of you
Take me back to that place that I fear
They keep me awake at night
They make me believe there’s safety in death

 Your tiny little heart

Used to beat inside
A precious little baby
The World never got to know
I cried the day you left me
A shattered mess I was
God took you up to Heaven
To be with him instead
I know you’re loved there
I know you’re really safe
But I still miss you every single day
I hope I meet you some day
But for now my little Angel
Know that I love you

 I have a dream

That I will swallow lots of pills
And never wake again

I can’t fight no more
The memories are too real
The pain is too much

I have an obsession
I want to close my eyes
And fade out of the World

I was eight years old
When I first wanted to die
I guess some things never change

I wish I wanted life
Because then no one else will hurt
But it feels like I’ll never mend

They say that time will heal
But how long do I have to wait
For this pain to ease

 You played me well

You made me feel special

You made me feel loved

You made me feel protected

 

You called me your girl

You said I was the most beautiful girl in the World

You said you loved me more than anything else

You promised me that you'd keep me safe

 

You said we should wait for sex

As you did not want to take advantage of me

And set me off

So I'd have to convince you that you weren't

 

You became so controlling

You wouldn't let me see my friends

You wanted to be with me always

You wanted to choose my life

 

You really scared me when you heard voices

You asked me to stab you

I tried getting you help

But you grabbed me tight and covered my mouth

 

I started to see your true sides

So I told you we were over

But you begged to be friends

And I eventually gave inn

 

You took me out to dinner

And I started falling for you again

Then you took me to the movies

And insisted I went back to your house

 

I stupidly agreed

I should have known better

But I thought I could trust you

You led me on to

 

You wanted to kiss me

You wanted to make me yours

When I said no

You couldn't understand

 

You forced yourself on me

I begged you to stop

But you were too strong

Theres no way I could fight you off

 

I tried pretending to sleep

But you kept going

You kept touching me

I wished so much to be dead

 

It felt so wrong

The memories of my past crept up

I thought you were different

But I guess I thought wrong

 

I just wanted for you to stop

So I just agreed to have sex

Luckily you were quick

But it still messed with my head

 I can't make sense of my head

So many thoughts run through my mind

Thoughts of self-harm, thoughts to die

All of the memories from my past

 

I feel so stupid

I feel so pathetic

I am 19 years old

And they still control me now

 

I can still see them

I can still smell them

I can even still feel them

It's too real in my mind

 

How could they do that to a child?

How could you do that to your cousin?

How could you do that to your friend

How could you harm your own daughter?

 

I still beat myself up from all they done

I still feel worthless, I can't forget what they done

I still feel scared, when they play in my mind

I still feel angry, when someone  mentions there name

 

It is so fucked up

I'm one big mess

I feel so much pain

Yet their lives go on so well

 

Fuck you Mum & Dad

Fuck you Jaron

Fuck you Luke & Todd

Fuck  you Nikita & Shane

 

Fuck you Brent

Fuck the rest of you

Fuck all of you for what you done

And don't worry your time will come 

 I made a mistake

I was feeling angry

And I reached for a blade

Instead of the phone

 

I placed the blade on my arm

I pressed down really hard

I swiped the blade across my skin

And watched my blood pour out

 

Now I have stitches

To heal the wounds I made

But it won't heal completly

It's going to leave me with some scars

 

I still felt like cutting

The urge was very strong

But I didn't have a blade

So I banged my head on the wall

 

Now I'm in the mental ward

As I'm not safe from myself

 I wonder who you can trust

When you can't even trust yourself

 

I really hate the ward

But it's better than being at home

Because my Mum is visiting now

And it's sending me insane

 

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Turning up in my life now

She should have been there long ago

It's far too late now! 

 Thank you Kimi

For being there when I needed you

You have a beautiful soul

You're an angel in disguise

 

Thank you for your kindness

Thanks for helping me

Thank you for your warmness

For your helping hand

 

I was feeling frightened

But you helped me to feel safe

I was feeling down

But you lifted up my soul

 

You being there for me

Meant the World to me

You showed me a light

In a world that never seemed to care

 

Thank you for giving me a voice

A voice to set me free

Thank you for everything

You're like a Hero to me 

 I gave inn

I banged my head

I know I shouldn’t have

But then I did

 

 

I just wanted an escape

I needed an escape

I was seeing awful things

They were playing in my head

 

 

I guess I failed

Because I hit my head

I should have asked for help sooner

But I guess I was too weak

 

 

Claire is like an Angel

She put a smile upon my face

She helped me to escape

Even if only for a while

 

 

I was feeling frightened

But she sat down there beside me

She made me feel safe

Like everything will be okay

 

 

I’m thankful for what she done

Yet I’m sorry she saw me that way

She has a beautiful soul

She has left her mark on my heart

 

 

I know she doesn’t know it

But she’s helped me fight a little longer

She lifted up my soul

She helped me see some light

 

 

I thank her for her helping hand

I thank her for being there

She has really touched my heart

She’s been special from the start

 

 

I wish the best for her life

I wish her love and happiness

I hope she gets the best out of life

Because she deserves good to come her way

 Daddy's mad again

It's clear if you hear his voice

His yelling and screaming at mum

I guess I must have been bad again

 

I'm hiding in my closet

Trying to make myself small

Trying to make myself disappear

Wishing I was never born

 

I hear his footsteps approaching

Each step gets louder as you draw near

I hold my teddy really close

Praying that it will be okay

 

I shrink at his shadow

I cover my mouth

Tears stream down my face

As you stand over me

 

I'm sorry Daddy

I did try really hard

I never meant to make you mad

I never meant for you to frown

 

You pick me up from the ground

You shake me really hard

You tell me that I'm stupid

Then you throw me to the ground

 

Daddy leaves me crying on the ground

He leaves slamming the door

Another night over

Another day ahead

 I'm sorry Daddy
I never meant to make you made
I'm sorry Daddy
That I really was that bad

I know you wish I was never born
Daddy I do wish that as well
I know you think I was never good enough
Daddy I know that just as well

I hope you know I tried really hard
I tried to be good
I tried to make you proud
But I was never good enough

I used to be your princess
Your special little girl
But then I screwed up
And I was no longer Daddy's little girl

You used to hit me really hard
Just to remind me that I'd been bad
It really hurt when you knocked me around
But I know I deserved it all the time

I'm sorry Daddy
I really am
I'm sorry Daddy
But I know thats not enough
 

 I was your pretty little doll
You were my cousin
I was an easy target
Just a tiny little girl

You used to lock the door behind you
You placed me on that bed
You took off all my clothes
You stripped away my innocence

You did just as you pleased
I never said one word
I tried to stare upon a wall
I tried to escape my body

I didn't know what you were doing
But I knew it really hurt
What made you take so much from me?
What made you think it was your right?

I did feel really scared
When I felt warm blood on my leg
But I kept my mouth closed
As you told me such harsh words

I put my clothes back on
Then you left the room
I tried to go back to my old self
But I was never ever the same

I was your pretty little doll
I was your favourite little toy
And even though I'm not anymore
Your presence still lingers on
 

 I know you want me to stay
But I just want to go
I want to close my eyes
And never wake up again

I'm so sick of feeling pain
It stabs me in my heart
I never asked to be born
But I ask to fade away

All the memories are too much
They follow me around
They remind me I'm not worth it
That I never really was

I know that you love me
And yes I love you too
But being here hurts too much
And leaving is my only escape

So I say goodbye to you
And wish you the best life
I pray my memory will be with you
That you remember the good times we had

I wish you no harm
And I'm sorry this hurts you
But this is what I want
And I pray you will move on
 

 

 You tell me you love me
But they're only words
The pain you caused me
Tell my otherwise

You abandoned me
You caused me pain
You were never there
When I needed you most

You never protected me
Even when there were signs
You never held me close
You let me fend for myself

Don't tell me your sorry now
Because there only words
And because there from you
I know there only lies
 

 

 Theres a gun in my hand
You don't understand
Therers a gun in my hand
Please let my life end

I can't get better
Can't you see
I've tried all the drugs
I've tried getting help

Why do they save me?
I never asked to be saved
They should have ended life support
Not bought my life back

I'm a ticking time bomb
Theres no more life in my
It''s just a matter of time
Until death creeps its way inn

 I'm dead
Not that you can see
I'm dead on the inside
There's no life in me

I'm so disconnected
I don't want to feel pain
But then flashbacks come inn
And I relive everything all over again

I'm self destructive
I'm killing myself
I self harm my body
In hope this will end

I'm fading away
I starve my body
I eat little food
I can't risk gaining weight

I always dreamed of being safe
Away from the abuse
In a place free of fear
But now I fear myself

I have a problem
Can't you see
I'm a danger to myself
Yet I can't escape me

Death
No fear in dying
There's no pain there
Theres nothing left to fear`

 

 I want to bang my head
I want to punch a wall
I want to take a blade
And watch my blood pour

I want to bite my arms
I want to inflict pain
I want to feel a different pain
Than the pain I feel inside

I feel so many emotions
I can't explain them all
I feel like I'm going crazy
Yet no one else can tell

I'm scared to be alone
I'm so scared of myself
I'm so self destructive
I'm slowly killing myself

I just want to escape
I want to get away
I can't make my thoughts stop
There's no escape from myself

No one else can save me
Not even if they try
If they could, I'm sure they would
It's just me, I can only save myself

I'm not sure how I can
If I knew I would
Because no one else would hurt
If I could save myself

I don't think I can fight no more
There's no more strength inside
Will my next attempt go to plan?
Or will i wake again?
 

 They say things get easier
That time heals everything
But how long do I have to wait
For the pain to ease

The memories haunt me everyday
They won't leave me alone
They say to leave the past behind
But mine follows me around

Is there really hope for me?
Can I really be free?
If theres really a chance for me
How long should I wait?

I feel like I deserve to be here
Like I deserve this pain
I feel so unworthy of this life
I wonder if thats true

I keep getting older
Yet nothing seems to change
I've tried getting help
But everythings the same

They say I'm selfish for wanting to go
And in so many ways it is
But isn't it selfish for wanting me to stay
When I can't learn to cope with the pain

I'm sorry I feel so bad
That I just want to go
But time is healing nothing
Like the pain will never fade

 She's fat
She's ugly
She's staring back at me

She's stupid
She's pathetic
She's worth absolutely nothing

She's crying
She's hurting
She don't know how to cope

She's shaking
She's scared
She's dangerous to herself

She's lost
She's dying
She's my own reflection

 Don't care for me
You will only be hurt
Don't try to save me
My life can't be saved

I hate myself
Thats the truth
Don't love me
I'm not worth the time

I want to go
I wish I didn't
But lifes too hard
And I won't survive

I've tried fighting
I really have
But I guess I've given up now
And it's only a matter of time
 

 Doors bang
I shake
It reminds me of you
It reminds me of fear

I can see you even now
I can even feel your touch
It's cold, it's unwanted
It won't leave me alone

How can you feel so real even now?
How can you follow me around?
Those years are gone
Yet it feels just as real now

Will I always jump
When I hear a door slam
Will I always see you 
When I lay down on my bed

I try to remind myself
That you are only a memory
But no matter how hard I try
It's like I'm reliving it again

I always dream of the day
When you won't feel so real
But it doesn't matter how much I dream
It don't mean that it will come true
 

 Daddy
You said a lot of things to me
You said you loved me
You said I'd made you proud

Daddy
I don't know what to believe from you
You never said these words once before
Instead you told me, I should have never been born

Daddy
I'm sorry for all those times I made you mad
I'm sorry you hut me because I was bad
But more than anything, I'm sorry I won't allow you around

Daddy
I wish things were differerent
I wish things never got this bad
I wish you could love me and hold me in your arms

Daddy
I know you bought me in this world
I know by blood your my Dad
But I'm not your little girl no more

Daddy 
I know that seems harsh
But you failed to play your part
So as far as I'm concerned, your my Dad by blood and nothing else
 

 The past is the past
It should just be that
But to me it is more

I'm so afraid
Not sure who to trust
Don't know what place is safe

I want to be free
Just want to run away
Find a place I feel safe

So many trigger
Loud noises and bands
So many scary places

I don't want to relive it
Yet I do everyday
The past lingers on

I don't want to wake up
Just want to close my eyes
And never come back

I try to see the future
Look ahead and see hope
But I'm stuck in the past

Not sure what I deserve
But it don't feel like life
Death feels too close

 

 

 I believe I can fly
Learn to spread my wings
I can be free

Everybody needs some help
Someone they can trust
They need a helping hand

There's Angels around us
To help get us by
To help keep us safe

When you feel afraid
Grab ahold of your Angel
For they will never leave your side

Believe in yourself
Believe you can fly
There's no mountain too high
 

 

 Took a pretty bad overdose on the 7th of July.   But I am okay now. When I was medically cleared I went down to the Mental Ward for awhile. Just got discharged today but may be going back into hospital soon as my weight is too low as it is under 17 which is medically unstable. Hoping not to but up to the hospital really.  But feeling a little more hopeful towards the future then a week or so ago!

 I'm sorry Daddy

Look at you

 Please don't care for me

 We always need heroes

 No escape from this pain
I try so hard to stay alive
I just want to say goodbye
Instead of lying on the ground

No escape
I've tried it all
The pills, the drugs
But I still feel dead inside

No escape
From the past
The flashbacks taunt me
How can it feel so real even now?

I'm disconnected
I'm so numb inside
I bang my head on the ground
I take a blade in my hand

No amount of blood that pours
Will wipe away the pain I feel
Why do people want me here?
When I'm dead on the inside

You can't save me
No amount of drugs
Not even all the hugs
My life is too far gone

When I say goodbye
Know I love you, it's not your fault
Know that to me you meant the world
But my last wish is to leave this life behind

 You were never there

 Dirty touch

That time of year is coming up so fast

Where all the memories haunt me from the past

All hope appears to be lost

Is it my life that it will cost

 

I shake in fear at the sound of your name

Everything is still the bloody same

I am left with all of this shame

You still haven't learn't to take the blame

 

I feel so dirty as you play in my head

All those times that you made me bled

I can't forget all of your lies

I really don't want to close my eyes

I don't know why I'm still here
Why do I bother to hang on?
I feel myself slowly slipping away
I think death is creeping its way inn

How can I forgive,
When all you did was take
How can I move on,
When you're playing in my head 

 I fail. I totally screwed up. I cut my wrist.  Been bout 6 months since i had done it then i just fuked up and done it.  so over this. dont know how much longer i can do this. :(

 I can't do this anymore. it is so hard to eat again.  im eating a little bowl of cereal in the morning. and a bit of fruit later on.  im exercising when i have energy.  I have gone into this eating disorder so fast this time. last time i graduall cut food out till i ate nothing. this time ive skipped steps to what im eating now.  if i do eat something else, i will make myself sick. i feel guilty with wat i am eating already.. im scared cus i dont think it will be long till i am not eating at all again. a week maybe. im hoping i can stop and eat normally but i dont think i can. i look at myself in the mirror and i want to vomit. 

 

I dont want to go extremely underweight again where i lose control but i am losing control.. Grrr i am failing so much right now

I'm not sure where I am

This place is so unfamiliar

Friendly faces surround me

I'm in a place where I'm loved

 

I haven't been here before

I've never had someone to fall onto

Every time they hold me close

I pray they will never let me go

 

I know it will probably go away

Everything good always does

But for now I'm going to hold it close

In case it never comes again

 

This place isn't as dark as it used to be

But sometimes the dark creeps inn

But now I know I'm not alone

People are here if I need them

 

Some days I feel really scared

The memories come flooding inn

When they do, I want to cut

But look at all the scars I already have

 

I sit in the cold shower sometimes

Just to get a shock, a distraction

This way I can try to forget there dirty touch

I sit there shaking from the cold

Other times I shower in boiling hot water

I scrub my skin for hours

I try to remove their dirty ways

But their scent still lingers on

 

But at least this home is warm you know

I'm in a place where I'm loved

The memories are only memories

As haunting as they are

 

You know, I've been given another chance

A chance to be happy like all them other folks

So now is my time to walk towards my future

As the present is here, and the past is gone

 It was Friday the 4th of Feb.  I was hanging with my ex bf.  I broke up with him so he was never happy that we split but i agreed to be friends.  He started touching me and got on top of me. i told him no and tried pushing him away but he kept going. i fought him for about 15 mins. but he was so strong. i thought maybe if i go to sleep he will leave me alone. but he kept going, i gave up. the whole time he was touching me i had flashbacks.  i just wanted him to stop. so i slept with him :(  i knew that was the only way he would stop and leave me alone.  i just wanted to get it over and done with.  I havent hanged out with him since.  He has asked me to but i have said no.  I have had real bad flashbacks since, really vivid and full on.

 She can't smile these days

She can't pretend that she is okay

She is broken right down to the core

She feels like her life can't go on no more

 

She's failed to escape the pain from her past

She thought there was hope but now she feels lost

She fought for her life but now she can't fight

She has hit rock bottom and found no way out

 

She picks up her pen and begins to write

She leaves a note for those she must leave behind

She feels sad that she can no longer fight

She reaches for all the tablets she saved for tonight

 

Her sister finds her in her room

Her sister senses that she is not okay

Her sister tells her husband, she must get to a hospital

Her sister prays that she will be okay

 

They place her in a hospital bed

They put a drip in her arm

They don't realise how much she took

They don't understand how serious this is

 

The medication starts to hit her real hard

The doctors discuss whether to put tubes down her throat

The girl has a seizure which makes up there mind

They must act fast if they want to safe her life

 

They decide she must transfer to another hospital

They realise she must go on life support

They understand her life could be lost

They won't let her go without a fight

 

The girl looks a mess on life support

The girl has tubes down her throat

The girl has a CV line in her neck

The girl is hooked up to lots of equipment

 

The girl has pneumonia

The girl had part of her lung collapse

The girl is very sick

The girl's life is in danger

 

They don't realise the girl wants to die

They don't know, she don't want to be saved

They fight for her life against her own will

They see something that she doesn't see

 

They understand how valuable each life is

They see just how beautiful she is

They believe her life is worth the fight

They all pray to God, please let her be okay

 

God loves this beautiful girl

God is sad that she is in all this pain

God reaches out his hand to her

God says I love you more than you will ever know

 

God has a plan for this girl

God gives this girl another chance

God fills her life with his love

God tells her, he will never let her go

 

The girl is okay after a week and a half

The girl is disappointed that she is still alive

The girl is still desperate to end her life

The girl attempts to strangle herself

 

The nurses rush over to stop the girl

The nurses don't understand all of her pain

The nurses feel sad that she is this way

The nurses hope she will somehow be okay

 

The girl must stay in intensive care

The girl must recover some more

The girl just wishes she could go home

The girl just wants to fade out of this world

 

She talks to a nurse one afternoon

She tells her exactly how she feels

She tells her of all the pain she's been through

She tells her she can't do this no more

 

The nurse grabs hold of her hand

The nurse watches as the tears roll off her cheeks

The nurse listens to all of her pain

The nurse feels sad for all she's endured

 

The girl feels an overwhelming love

The girl no longer feels so alone

The girl suddenly has hope for her life

The girl feels God's love in her life

 

The girl smiles ever so big

The girl understands how lucky she is

The girl is thankful that she is alive

I whisper thank you God for another chance

 I never knew that safety could exist in my world, until you came into my life.

 I know you think that you walk free

But why would you be such a fool

You may have got away with this

But you have only gotten away on earth

 

Wait till you have to answer to God

To tell him what you done

You think you've gone unpunished

But you really did think wrong

 

You committed such an awful crime

You stole from a little girl

You caused a lot of pain you know

Your punishment will one day come

 

You can try to taunt me all you like

But I'll always have something over you

As you committed an awful crime

And I done nothing wrong

 Food is scary

it makes me fat

it makes me ugly

 

I don't like to eat

just in case I gain weight

when I really need to lose it

 

I am 169cm tall

I weigh 60kgs

I feel so fat

 

I eat very little

I don't want to take chances

so I eat just 1 piece of fruit a day

 

I am losing weight

kg by kg

but I just cant lose enough

 

sometimes my sister makes me eat

but I feel guilty when I eat

so I make myself feel sick

 

now I just refuse to eat

I cant stand to eat a bite

I just feel too fat

When I eat

MY body just rejects it

I will be sick at the thought

 

 

I exercise when I can

if I have the energy

I exercise to lose my fat

I am 45kgs now

they say I'm really sick

that I really need to eat

 

But I just don't like food

its going to make me fat

going to make me gain all this weight

 

but maybe I'm not fat

maybe my dad fed me lies

maybe I was never fat

 

I start to see the truth

and now I realise that im not fat

that I'm really skinny

 

I dont look good

I need to gain weight

I need to eat again

 

So now I eat

at times it scares me

But now I'm gaining control again

 

Hey everyone

I was in intensive care for 2 wks and 2 days due to a really bad overdose.  A wk and a half of this i was on life support.  I had 2 seizures.  I had pneumonia.  part of one of my lungs collapsed.  I don't remember this happening or even overdosing.  I was given medication to put me to sleep most of the time because i was really confused.  they wrote it all in a book for me and my sister told me stuff.  I am feeling a lot better now.  the overdose did not scare me. its acutally what ive wanted for so long excepts i wanted to die.  But i am so glad i am here now. i still get flashbacks and stuff but i havent been feeling suicidal or like self harming.  im not on any medication anymore.  i believe God really had his hand on my  life and i believe he is the reason i am still here.  I didnt even get any brain damage after that overdose which i believe God protected me!  I am really happy i am alive now and i am fighting to get better. i do hope to work with others survivors and give them hope for a brighter future!!

Hope everyone else is doing well.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Stay safe

Xoxox

1 2 3

A B C

Play with toys

Go to bed

 

Simple things

I missed in life

Because you stole

So much from me

 

You took my trust

I was only a child

You stole my smile

Every single day

 

Don’t you understand?

Just how much you stole

You taught me things

That I shouldn’t have known

 

You made me cry

You made me shake

You made me hide

You even made me bleed

 

I was everyone’s toy

I played all the adult games

I was only a child

How could you steal from a child?

 

 I feel so weak

Does this journey ever end?

It feels like I’ve been walking forever

Yet I’m not always walking further

 

I feel so damaged

I don’t know if I can be repaired

I’m sick of fighting all the time

Why can’t my life just be alright?

 

I just want it to end

I’m only hanging by a thread

I think it’s going to snap again

Maybe this time my life will end

 

I feel so numb

I’ve pushed my feelings so far down

Big tall walls surround me

Yet still I feel so much fear

 

I’m sorry

I just don’t think I can fight much more

I feel like I can’t go on

Like maybe I just can’t be saved

 

Don’t you understand?

I feel so much pain everyday

It’s not like I’m getting any better

So why am I still here?

 

Every pill I’ve swallowed
Every deep wound I’ve made

Why did somebody save me?

Don’t they get it; I don’t want to be saved

 

Every failed attempt

The pain is still here

I am still here

Why can’t I succeed?

 

Can’t you see?

I try so hard just to breathe

Why can’t all of this end?

As I don’t think I will ever mend

 Innocent blood from a little girl

How could you steal what clearly wasn’t yours?

Every drop of blood so pure

What made you steal her smile away?

 

With every drop of blood that spilled

You made the little child die within

The innocent blood that spilled

Nothing can replace what you stole from me

 

I continue to bleed as I cut each time

Why do I still bleed for you?

All this blood that I spill

Why do I bleed for you?

Hey everyone. You can stop worrying bout my overdose. I did end up pretty bad so is a good thing my sis called an ambulance. Ive only just got off the different drips and things they gave me to reverse the effects. Im currently waiting for an available bed in the acute mental health ward. Thanks for all your concern but im alrite. So u can stop worrying. Its real hard to contact from hospital so il chat more wen i am released

 I just took 90 tablets.   =(

 

The days are getting harder now

I don’t want to be around

I just wish this pain would end

Or go away for a while

 

I try so hard to keep my mind blank

So I won’t feel a thing

But my mind is filled with memories

And haunting me they are

 

I can’t forget those awful days

I can’t forget the pain

The memories play in my head

I think I’m living it again

 

Why won’t this pain just go away?

Why won’t my smile return?

If it did, would it matter?

Would the pain return?

 

So many bad thoughts visit me

Every single day

Telling me to give up now

Why stay another day?

 

It’s not like the world’s safer now

It’s getting worse all the time

And I’m always feeling scared

But no one really ever cares

 

I feel so guilty

That they walk free

That I wasn’t strong

That I never put them where they belong

 

I know it will be my fault

When their next victim comes along

But it’s not like I can change it now

And save another’s life

 

I cut my wrist sometimes

To represent a small part of the pain I feel

But I couldn’t cut deep enough

To show the pain inside

 

It distracts me from my mind

Even though it’s just for a while

But I guess it’s just like happiness

That only last a short time

 

So alone
People surround me
Yet i feel so alone

So Voiceless
People try to help
Words can't escape

So unexpressed
Thoughts bound within
Memories trapped

So numb
Too much pain
Where to begin?

So much rage
Anger explodes
Frustration unfolds

So shameful
Nothing but hate
Noone wothwhile

So fearful
Shaking, trembling
No place is safe

 

SO many voices in my head.Just give up now, let this life end.  Day and night, their always around.  When will these thoughts come to an end!!  I tried to kill myself, yes its true.  I was hospitalised for taking some pills. I must stay with a friend, who keeps a close eye. Some people come see me, to see im alright. I tell them some lies, i tell them that I'm alright.  But deep down inside, I wish it would end!

I tried to suffocate myself the other night.. i tried so hard to make it all end.. i was going to take some pills again, but my friend found my stash and now i have none.. I feel so horrible for feeling this way... Others don't understand what made me this way! all these voices in my head. when will they all come to an end. I have to wonder, why bother to fight? Whats the point of living this life? I guess the question is what will end first, the thoughts or my life?

He whispers oh so gently in my ear
beautiful child, oh how i love you
you are so precious to me
i love you more than you will ever know

I was there every time you fell
just wanting to pick you up
and hold you close in my arms
for you are my child and you are loved

I know everything about you
and i still love you
nothing you can do
can take away my love for you

I'm there when you hold back your tears
you are safe, let those tears pour
I am there when you feel scared
but my daughter have no more fears

I carry you in the darkest of times
I've never left you
Ive held your hand
And waited for you to grab a hold of mine

I will never let you go
Even when you run away
I will be waiting for you
to come back into my arms
 
Precious child,
let me love you
let me hold you
Let me be your strength

My daughter
No more fears
No more holding back tears
In my loving arms you are safe and forever loved

the room is empty
I'm all alone
why am i hiding
i don't even know

those years are gone
I'm all grown up
yet i feel your presence
and your unwanted touch

my mind aches
as your memories replay
Which will end first?
the memories or my life?

I'm losing control
without thinking
i reach for a drink
instead of the phone

i can't see a thing
 I'm lying on the floor
where did my clothes go
i feel so ashamed

footsteps approach
i try to get up
but I've lost all control
why did i reach for that drink?

i hold the knife in my hand
was that a memory or did it happen again?
I cut till the blood rushes out
i guess the memories have won

I feel someones gentle touch
as they embrace me in their arms
i didn't know what love was
until you came into my life

God was there for me
He always cared for me
when everything was broken
He still saw hope for my life

He carried me
in my weakest times
he was my strength
when i had none

God holds me in his hand
For me he has a great plan
his love poured into my life
he bought all my pain to an end

 

I have locked something up inside
a feeling of guilt that i despise
you left me with this bag of shame
for all these years i thought i was to blame

a part of me died when i was six years old
a happiness in me disappeared
you made me feel like a worthless doll
as you stole away my innocent days

all the love in me wilted away
i felt none because you drained it away
any love that was shown my way
was drained out of me by a love sucking bug

i'd shower in boiling hot water
i'd try to remove the smell of you
your dirty ways i could not escape
no matter what body wash i used

i learnt to inflict pain on myself
i thought i deserved it after all you done
i guess you thought that you had won
when i simply didn't make one sound

when i look back it feels like yesterday
i can smell your sickening thoughts
after all these years you have lingered on
even now your touch is near

the fear remained close by myside
it held my hand all the time
i guess i never really understood
how my cousin could betray me all the time?

what i never knew
was the blame and shame belongs to you
i give it all back to you
as i know it was yours all along

no more love drained from me
no more drowning in a pool of fear
those days are now the past
and my future is my new start

My happiness begins here
i want it back after all these years
the memories are yours to keep
i done nothing wrong so i will not weep

although you tried to drain the life from me
you never succeeded to kill me
i finally learnt that you were wrong
and now is my time to walk on strong

I got no place to run
nowhere left to hide
no love left inside
this  hatred i despise

i drink all the time
i numb my feelings inside
if i drink enough i'll die
I will escape this very life

I'm suffocating can't you see
there's no more life inside of me
you stole away my innocence
you killed the child that was once me

but then i found a hope in me
i found a god that does love me
he filled that place that you once stole
he gave me air to breathe again

my friend carried me from the dark
she lent me her very helping hand
she led me to a guy named God
who restored the life in me

I tell you this you unwelcome one
you may have thought you had won
but you thought very wrong
your punishment will one day come

I'm sorry I made you mad
I guess I really am that bad
That's why Dad was always mad
I guess it was my fault somehow

I swear I try really hard
I try my best when you're around
I don't want to disappoint you
Or let you down somehow

So as I close my eyes
I will wish upon a star
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it comes true somehow

 

 

 

 

I can't stop showering.  i feel so dirty. it doesn't matter how many times i shower or for how long.  I still feel dirty. 

I have also been sleeping in my cupboard the last few nights because i have been so scared with flashbacks, and noises in the house. i am so jumpy. been jumping at everything. i am so afraid..  i just want to feel safe...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

I am really struggling to cope this past few days. i feel like shit.  wishing i was never born. things would be so much easier, if i never existed. hmm. dont know wats wrong with me. im totally drained.

I am so fuken sick of people telling me its in the past, to move on.  Especially when they have never gone through anything remotely close to being sexually abused, raped, whatever. Why didn't i think of that myself to just move on. GRR.. if it was that easy I would have done it by now.  But I have spent most of my life running away from it, when i need to do the opposite and deal with it. Sick of the i think you should just forget it too. Fuk i have tried to forget it for so long, its not exactly something you can just forget one day. the memories are carved into me. I am so fuken angry.  I hate it when people who have been sexually abused say to move on to. they assume well i have moved on so why can't you.  But everyone's experience is different  and it affects people in different ways. Fuck, its so annoying, no one has any idea what it's like and how it changes you as a person. They don't know what it's like to live in fear each day. OR to feel dirty and scrub your skin for hours straight but never feel clean.  They have no idea what it is like to have to live with the pain of what someone done to us.  It's not the same as having a guy break up with you, or having a fight with a friend.  it doesn't just all of a sudden disappear from your life.  Someone tell me if i am wrong because fuck i would love to go on living a normal life and somehow forget what happened or just move on like that.

 

Sorry bout the language, just really REALLY ANGRY right now!

I knew this day would come one day.  But I have been dreading it.  And now i feel so bloody guilty.  Today I found out that soon my cousin will be getting married.  the same cousin that sexually abused me and beat me up as a kid.  its all my fault.  He is still out there because of me.  What scares me most is what happens if he has children? What if he hurts them?  it will be all my fault.  he should be locked up. im so fuken angry at myself.  i let him get away with everything he done to me.  he stole my childhood.  ARGHH I hate him.......................

 

i really struggle to accept the fact that i was raped and sexually abused. i dont know how to explain it. its like i know i was but only because thats what people told me. people tell me i was raped and sexually abused and it wasnt my fault. but deep down i struggle with that concept. i find myself calling it that because other people do. but no matter what deep down it feels like it was my fault so it couldnt have bbeen rape or sexual abuse. those words are so strong that i feel like by saying them that means it wasnt my fault. and im not ready for that. i still think its all my fault. i can lie to myself and say it wasnt but deep down i feel so guilty for it all. grr. i wish none of it happened. why can't i have a normal life instead of being so messed up. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey! I found this poem that i wrote like two years ago, thought id share it with you all!