I fail. I totally screwed up. I cut my wrist.  Been bout 6 months since i had done it then i just fuked up and done it.  so over this. dont know how much longer i can do this. :(

 I can't do this anymore. it is so hard to eat again.  im eating a little bowl of cereal in the morning. and a bit of fruit later on.  im exercising when i have energy.  I have gone into this eating disorder so fast this time. last time i graduall cut food out till i ate nothing. this time ive skipped steps to what im eating now.  if i do eat something else, i will make myself sick. i feel guilty with wat i am eating already.. im scared cus i dont think it will be long till i am not eating at all again. a week maybe. im hoping i can stop and eat normally but i dont think i can. i look at myself in the mirror and i want to vomit. 

I dont want to go extremely underweight again where i lose control but i am losing control.. Grrr i am failing so much right now

 It was Friday the 4th of Feb.  I was hanging with my ex bf.  I broke up with him so he was never happy that we split but i agreed to be friends.  He started touching me and got on top of me. i told him no and tried pushing him away but he kept going. i fought him for about 15 mins. but he was so strong. i thought maybe if i go to sleep he will leave me alone. but he kept going, i gave up. the whole time he was touching me i had flashbacks.  i just wanted him to stop. so i slept with him :(  i knew that was the only way he would stop and leave me alone.  i just wanted to get it over and done with.  I havent hanged out with him since.  He has asked me to but i have said no.  I have had real bad flashbacks since, really vivid and full on.

 I just took 90 tablets.   =(

I can't stop showering.  i feel so dirty. it doesn't matter how many times i shower or for how long.  I still feel dirty. 

I have also been sleeping in my cupboard the last few nights because i have been so scared with flashbacks, and noises in the house. i am so jumpy. been jumping at everything. i am so afraid..  i just want to feel safe...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

I am really struggling to cope this past few days. i feel like shit.  wishing i was never born. things would be so much easier, if i never existed. hmm. dont know wats wrong with me. im totally drained.

i really struggle to accept the fact that i was raped and sexually abused. i dont know how to explain it. its like i know i was but only because thats what people told me. people tell me i was raped and sexually abused and it wasnt my fault. but deep down i struggle with that concept. i find myself calling it that because other people do. but no matter what deep down it feels like it was my fault so it couldnt have bbeen rape or sexual abuse. those words are so strong that i feel like by saying them that means it wasnt my fault. and im not ready for that. i still think its all my fault. i can lie to myself and say it wasnt but deep down i feel so guilty for it all. grr. i wish none of it happened. why can't i have a normal life instead of being so messed up.