Posted: 10/2/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I have a very special friend
I hope you have one too
She makes me feel so loved
She sends me hugs as well
She offered me a helping hand
To make it through these struggled times
 
I have a very special friend
I knew it from the start
She shared her life with me
She really means a lot
She touched my heart with her warm love
She moved into my heart
Posted: 10/2/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Dear little me
I wrote this note for you
I want to tell you I am sorry
For what they done to you
I am sorry that I blamed you
For the painful game they played
I know that you were really scared
I know the pain you feel
I’m sorry that they hurt you Hun
That they beat you up all the time
I’m really sorry little me
I wish I could erase your pain
I know that growing up was hard
I know they stole your smile
I know you didn’t play so much
As they stole all of your time
I’m sorry they stole your innocence
And made you bleed sometimes
I’m sorry they ignored you Hun
That they ignored all of the signs
They should have took more notice of you
They should have loved you as well
I’m sorry that I grew to hate you
As I hated what they done
I’m sorry that I defined you Hun
By the actions that they made
So I give you my hand Honey
I hope that you will reach back
I know that I have been harsh before
But I want you to know I love you
Hun all of the memories you have
Are my memories as well
So let’s take each others hand
And work through this pain we share
So when you are ready to forgive me Hun
For all the pain you knew
I will be waiting with open arms
As I know we will make it through
Posted: 10/2/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Dear little cousin,
I wrote this note for you
I feel I need to say sorry
For something I done to you
We were awful young back then
I swear I didn’t know
If I did, I promise you
I wouldn’t have played the game
I feel so awful guilty
For teaching you the game
I know that I am to blame
So I will wear a blanket of shame
I thought this game was normal
Your older brother played it too
He took me in a room
He locked the door every time
My neighbours knew the game as well
They played it with me too
I never knew it was bad
The thought makes me really sad
I started playing the game with you
I didn’t understand the rules
I did it next to the bed
Whilst your brother was on that bed
He saw our reflection in the mirror
He saw us playing the game together
He must have got real jealous
As he got angry with us too
He said he would tell on us
Which I never understood
I guess he never did
As he played the game as well
You asked to play the game again
But I told you that we couldn’t
I knew that it was bad to play
So I stopped playing like he did
He still continued though
It made me awful sad
He hurt me all the time
I never understood
I’m sorry for playing the game with you
I didn’t know any better
I hope that you forgive me little cousin
As I never meant to hurt you
Posted: 10/2/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Dirty
No matter how much I wash!
Dirty
I shower all day long
 
Dirty
The water is very hot
Dirty
I scrub my skin, make it red!
 
Dirty
They made me feel this way
Dirty
Their scent lingers on
 
Dirty
I can’t escape the smell of them
Dirty
Their touch still lives on
 
Dirty
Will I ever feel clean?
Dirty
Is that all I’ll ever be?
Posted: 9/29/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: struggles

I can't stop showering.  i feel so dirty. it doesn't matter how many times i shower or for how long.  I still feel dirty. 

I have also been sleeping in my cupboard the last few nights because i have been so scared with flashbacks, and noises in the house. i am so jumpy. been jumping at everything. i am so afraid..  i just want to feel safe...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

hmm
Posted: 9/29/2009 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: struggles

I am really struggling to cope this past few days. i feel like shit.  wishing i was never born. things would be so much easier, if i never existed. hmm. dont know wats wrong with me. im totally drained.

Posted: 9/27/2009 - 11 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: venting

I am so fuken sick of people telling me its in the past, to move on.  Especially when they have never gone through anything remotely close to being sexually abused, raped, whatever. Why didn't i think of that myself to just move on. GRR.. if it was that easy I would have done it by now.  But I have spent most of my life running away from it, when i need to do the opposite and deal with it. Sick of the i think you should just forget it too. Fuk i have tried to forget it for so long, its not exactly something you can just forget one day. the memories are carved into me. I am so fuken angry.  I hate it when people who have been sexually abused say to move on to. they assume well i have moved on so why can't you.  But everyone's experience is different  and it affects people in different ways. Fuck, its so annoying, no one has any idea what it's like and how it changes you as a person. They don't know what it's like to live in fear each day. OR to feel dirty and scrub your skin for hours straight but never feel clean.  They have no idea what it is like to have to live with the pain of what someone done to us.  It's not the same as having a guy break up with you, or having a fight with a friend.  it doesn't just all of a sudden disappear from your life.  Someone tell me if i am wrong because fuck i would love to go on living a normal life and somehow forget what happened or just move on like that.

 

Sorry bout the language, just really REALLY ANGRY right now!

Posted: 9/27/2009 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: venting

I knew this day would come one day.  But I have been dreading it.  And now i feel so bloody guilty.  Today I found out that soon my cousin will be getting married.  the same cousin that sexually abused me and beat me up as a kid.  its all my fault.  He is still out there because of me.  What scares me most is what happens if he has children? What if he hurts them?  it will be all my fault.  he should be locked up. im so fuken angry at myself.  i let him get away with everything he done to me.  he stole my childhood.  ARGHH I hate him.......................

Posted: 9/26/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I can hear whispers
Throughout the night
I can hear whispers
They tell me things aren’t alright
 
I can hear the sounds
Of footsteps approach
I can hear the sounds
They are just outside my door  
 
I feel myself shake
As he closes the door
I feel myself shake
When I’m trapped behind the door
 
I can feel his touch
As he takes off my clothes
I can feel his touch
It’s unwanted and it’s cold
 
I can feel warm tears
Rolling off my cheeks
I can feel warm tears
As I fight to hold them back
 
I am now alone
As he stole what he came for!
I am now alone
And I am feeling kind of scared
 
I am really frightened
When I feel warm blood on my leg
I am really frightened
It’s really hard to talk
 
I am so confused
What just happened to me?
I am so confused
He told me not to tell
 
I am really tired
But I can’t sleep tonight
I am really tired
I am afraid that he will be back for more
 
I can hear whispers
Throughout the night
I can hear whispers
Everything is not alright
Posted: 9/22/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: struggles

i really struggle to accept the fact that i was raped and sexually abused. i dont know how to explain it. its like i know i was but only because thats what people told me. people tell me i was raped and sexually abused and it wasnt my fault. but deep down i struggle with that concept. i find myself calling it that because other people do. but no matter what deep down it feels like it was my fault so it couldnt have bbeen rape or sexual abuse. those words are so strong that i feel like by saying them that means it wasnt my fault. and im not ready for that. i still think its all my fault. i can lie to myself and say it wasnt but deep down i feel so guilty for it all. grr. i wish none of it happened. why can't i have a normal life instead of being so messed up. 

Posted: 9/15/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

This girl is really mean to me
She really doesn’t like me
She thinks that I am ugly
She tells me that I’m fat
 
She is really harsh on me
As I’m always screwing up
She thinks I am a failure
That I don’t deserve a life
 
She always puts me down
She makes me wear a frown
She isn’t very nice to me
It’s not too hard to tell
 
I wish she would leave me be
And stop following me around
Then maybe I could take a deep breath
And just learn to be me
 
But then I stopped to think awhile
I looked into the mirror
I couldn’t recognize the girl
The girl inside my mirror   
 
I realised that the stupid girl
Was really me all along
I guess it’s quite clear now
That my worst enemy is me!
Posted: 9/14/2009 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Unable to move
Unable to speak
I am lying on the bed
I know what he wants
 
I hold back the tears
As he takes off my clothes
I am six years old
I should be playing with dolls
 
He pulls out his thing
As I lie their in fear
He is so big
And I am so small
 
He struggles to fit
He pushes some more
He doesn’t give up
Consistent he is
 
It really does hurt
And it’s not even inn
He pushes my legs a part
He makes his way inn
 
He makes strange noises
As I lie their in pain
I am too afraid to cry
He might hit me again
 
I feel something on my leg
He is now done
He makes his way out
I don’t say a word
 
I notice blood on my leg
I feel kind of scared
I put my clothes on
He leaves without a care
 
I sit on the floor
I play with my toy cars
I am six years old
I should have no worry in the world
 
My cousin touches me
My cousin beats me up
He says I must not tell
That I’m his little doll
Posted: 9/14/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

She smiles with eyes full of pain
She walks around with her head to the floor
She is trying to hide her pain from the world
She is acting as though she has no care at all
 
She has one thought in her mind
She has that one thought of destruction and self- hurt
She is breaking to pieces when you look within
She is fading in a world that has no clue at all
 
She knows that to take her life is a sin
But no one knows what it’s like where she’s been
She can’t escape all those little voices in her head
She wants to reach out but is afraid that no one will care
 
She writes a note to anyone who might pretend they care
She knows its time to cut lose from the shame of despair
She knows she is at the point of no return
She knows she is unwanted in this world
 
She feels a rush of pain stabbing her in the heart
She knows that to fade away is her only choice
She takes a hold of a sharp blade
She makes a deep mark to represent a small part of the pain she’s endured
 
She wakes up in a place that is blurred
She knows that she failed to escape life at its worst
She sees blood pouring out from her arm
She feels someone grabbing her wrist
 
She looks up and tears roll down her face
A girl is kneeled by her side
A girl who opened her heart and no one knows why
She knows she don’t deserve any help at all
 
She tells her to leave that this must end tonight
The girl looks down at her
She says she knows what its like
But you can’t give up now, you must learn to fight
 
The girl wraps a bandage around her arm
She covers the damage and says it will all be alright
Sirens are getting louder as she lies on the floor
She wonders what will happen to her now
 
They rush in with voices full of concern
She has lost a lot of blood, we don’t have much time
A voice speaks out loud
Please don’t give up now
 
The girl closes her eyes
We are losing her guys
All hope appears to be lost
But still they eagerly fight
 
Each life is worth while
Every second counts
She opens her eyes
Oh thank god we thought you were gone
 
The girl looks up with tear filled eyes
You mean I don’t get to die?
An angel appears
I was so worried about you
 
Please don’t do this again
I would miss you too much then
She cuddles the girl on the bed
She says I love you
 
The girl looks so confused
Why would anyone care?
The angel takes her hand
Don’t worry things will get better now!
 
I am not letting you go
Your life is too valued on this earth
The girl smiles so unsure
Thank you for caring at life’s worst
Posted: 9/1/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Sitting at my desk at school
When you come and visit me
You give me no warning
You come and go as you please
 
I know you’re only a memory
But when you come you feel so real
Why won’t you just let me be?
Haven’t you stole enough from me
 
I wish I could lock you up
Then I could leave you at home
I would never visit you
I would be able to escape from you
 
I am sitting in class right now
I am trying to block you out
I feel like I am going crazy
Why can’t anyone tell?
 
I look frantically around the room
I try to escape from my head
You are playing an awful movie
And I just want it to end
 
I don’t want to be afraid
I don’t want to see you
I just want to live a life
A life where you can’t find me
 
When I close my eyes tonight
I know you will be waiting
I wish you would take a holiday
I wish you would let me sleep again
 
When do the memories end?
When will my heart be whole again?
You left me shattered
You left with a part of me
Posted: 8/26/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I jump into the pool
I make a giant splash
I am having fun
I am playing in the sun
 
I really like to swim
Even though I don’t swim well
We were suppose to play games
We were supposed to act like kids
 
I was having fun
But then you stole my smile
You went under the water
You touched me for awhile
 
Then you made us kiss
Just like you always did
Your kiss is pure evil
Your kiss makes me feel sick
 
You said crazy things
You said you were in love
I guess that’s why you touched me
I guess that’s why you lied
 
I didn’t understand
How I was your best friend
When you beat me up
And called me funny names
 
I wish I could forget
I wish I could forgive
But each time I am reminded
I tense up in a fright
 
I just want to sleep
I just want to feel peace
But the things that you done
Make me feel afraid and unwell
Posted: 8/26/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

The touch of an unwanted past
Lurking in your shadows
Reminding you of fear
 
Images of what they done
Waiting to pounce
To rob you of your smile
 
They follow you around
Everywhere you go
They are waiting for you
 
They wait for that trigger
To set you off
To remind you their near
 
You can feel their touch
As you glimpse memories
And allow your past to creep up
 
You can hear their whispers
Telling you they are back
Telling you they want more
 
You try to remind yourself
This is only a memory
That you are safe now
 
You try to escape the flashbacks
They have grown too comfy in your mind
Leaving you tense and uptight
 
It is so hard
You want them to pass
But they keep lingering on
 
You finally build up courage
To tell them you are stronger
That there is no room for them in here
Posted: 8/14/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I hurt myself
I done it again
I am angry
I am in pain
 
I picked up that blade
I wanted to put it down
I guess I was too weak
Because I made myself bleed
 
It seemed like a good idea
But now I’m not too sure
Others would say I’m stupid
Others wouldn’t have a clue
 
I just needed to escape
I needed to have a break
I needed a distraction
I needed one very fast
 
I was seeing ugly things
They were playing in my head
They wouldn’t leave me alone
So I cut myself instead
 
It sure did feel better
Than the other pain
But I guess this pain
Will not remain
 
Because this pain fades
Unlike my inside pain
I just want to heal
Like my outside wounds will
Posted: 8/14/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

His under my desk
Every day at school
He is only a memory
But he feels just as real
I can feel his hands
He is touching me
The teacher is in the room
But she doesn't see a thing
Next he touches the girl next to me
Just like me, she doesn’t say a thing
I don’t like his touch
It makes me feel scared
But what can I do?
That won't make him mad
I sit there in silence
I don’t say a word
Maybe he will stop
Maybe he will act like the other kids
I go to the bathroom
He sneaks out of the room
Next thing I know
His in the bathroom as well
He takes off my clothes
He takes off his too
All alone in the girls bathroom
It’s just me and him
I’m trapped in his world
He thinks his the king
There’s no way out
But when has there ever been?
When does he end?
When will I be free?
I want to forget
But his always around
So I skip class
I can’t go back
I hide somewhere else
Till my memory comes to an end
Posted: 8/12/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I feel ashamed
My virginity was stolen
I thought I could trust him
He was my cousin
 
I looked up to him
I wanted to be noticed
But when he took my clothes off
I wanted to fade away
 
I thought he was cool
I wanted his approval
I tried to be like him
So I acted real tough
 
I played with fire
I burnt out spider holes
He thought it was cool
So I liked it as well
 
I never understood
Why he beat me up?
I didn’t know why?
He beat his siblings too
 
I often wonder
Did you touch them too?
Or was it just I?
Was I your only doll?
 
No one ever knew
It was our little secret
You locked the door
You covered up your own lies
 
I always forgave you
I wanted to be liked
I was too afraid
So I covered up your lies
 
I kept my mouth shut
I locked away my pain
I let it send me insane
One day at a time
 
When I finally told
It was far too late
You had a story
You told me I lied
 
You said I must have dreamt it
And they all believed it
I may have been young
But I know exactly what you done
 
You hurt your little cousin
You caused her pain
You stole parts of her
Parts that can’t be regained
 
You should be locked away
But instead you walk free
I live in fear
At the thought of what you done
 
Why did you do it?
I was so small
Was it your lustful ways?
Or was it my innocence?
 
You can’t kill me no more
I refuse to be silent
You stole my purity
But you couldn’t destroy me
 
So each night when I am reminded
I whisper to myself
It will pass soon
It will all be okay
Posted: 8/10/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

His back again
He locks the door
I see his shadow
As he stands over me
 
Get on the bloody bed
Take off all your clothes
Do it quick
Or ill hit you as well
 
She quickly takes off all her clothes
She lies in silence on the bed
Her heart is pounding
She feels his touch once again
 
Out of his pants
He pulls me apart
He struggles to fit
But he forces his way inn
 
I lie there in pain
I don’t know what to say
What are you doing?
Why didn’t I scream?
 
He makes a mess
He is complete
He leaves the room
I remain on the bed
 
I slowly pull myself together
I gather all my clothes
I dress myself
Trying to go back to my old self
 
I feel scared
As I see red on my leg
He made me bleed
Just like he always did
 
Too scared to tell
Don’t want him to beat me again
Too foolish to tell
He said I would be in trouble
 
I am now dirty
I am now scared
I am now speechless
When I think of what he did
Posted: 8/10/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

The room is silent
I’m all alone
I’m hiding from him
Before he comes
 
I am so young
I am so scared
I guess that’s why
I didn’t hide well
 
Right in front of a mirror
I hide beside the bed
Forgetting he can see me
Hoping he won’t touch me today
 
You stupid girl
I can see you
Why are you hiding?
I just want to play
 
I don’t say a word
Please be a dream
When I wake up
Please let me be safe
 
He walks closer
He picks me up
He throws me down on the bed
I guess I’m awake
 
I escape my body
I hover above
Why is he touching her?
She is just a little girl
 
I look down on her
Her face full of fear
You can see she’s in pain
But she does as she’s told
 
Nothing but his deep breaths
As the little girl lies on the bed
A tear rolls down my cheek
As I watch the little girl break
 
She wonders what is going on
She thinks this really hurts
She secretly wants to cry
But she knows that shows a weakness in her eyes
 
He leaves the room
He leaves her naked and ashamed
He says you must not tell
He says you’re my pretty little doll
Posted: 8/8/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

In your room
We’re all alone
I know what you want
It’s nothing new
 
I’m used to your touch
As you touch me a lot
You must like sex
As you want it a lot
 
You claimed my body
You do what you like
I have no choice
I must do as you ask
 
We lie under the sheets
As you move up and down
You come from behind
You touch as you like
 
Your mother walks in
Her face full of disgust
Stop that right now
Then she exits the room
 
I feel so ashamed
She caught him in the act
I guess she thought
I was part of that act
 
Not another word was said
I guess that’s why he done it again
No one could stop him
Not even his mother nor I
 
He thought it was truly his right
No one could steal that from him
Even though he stole parts of me
Parts that are still missing today
Posted: 8/7/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

He yelled at me today
I told him I didn’t want to play his games
I guess I didn’t have a choice
Because he still forced his way down on me
 
Trying so hard to fit inn
I want to make others happy
Don’t want to be the misfit
Don’t want them to be mad with me
 
His touch feels so dirty
His smile is so evil
I know it can’t be right
Why else would he make me hide under the sheets?
 
I try so hard to distract myself
I look around the room
I pretend he isn’t violating me
Even though his beginning to hurt
 
He turns to his younger sibling
It’s your turn now
This feels so wrong
He is so much younger than me
 
Trying so hard not to cry
As he watches with a grin
Praying it will be over soon
Hoping to go play the same games as the other kids
 
He says we must not tell
He says it’s our little secret
The adults wouldn’t understand
That we play this way
Posted: 8/4/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Hey! I found this poem that i wrote like two years ago, thought id share it with you all!

Its time to say goodbye
To leave it all behind
This is my last wish
To leave this pain behind
 
I wrote this note for you
I hope you understand
I can’t fight no more
I must escape the pain
 
Please don’t cry for me
Just know it’s for the best
I’ve been hanging by a thread
I must end it all tonight
 
Its time to cut the string
To end the life support
I wish you a good life
A life that I can’t have
 
My life has been quite short
But my eyes have seen it all
Its time for me to go
To say goodbye I know
 
I take the kitchen knife
I sharpened it last night
I place it on my wrist
I swipe it by quite fast
 
The blood is pouring out
I focus on the pain
Tonight is my last night
I’m sorry I couldn’t fight
 
A tear falls down my face
As I think of you one last time
I grab my wrist and realise
I can’t leave you behind
Posted: 8/4/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Rewind time
Let’s take it all back
Reverse all the pain
Turn back the clock
 
Fast forward time
Will the pain leave?
I need to know now
Will time heal my pain?
 
Pause time
Let me catch up
I’m stuck in the past
I need extra time
 
Stop time
I need to think
I need to stop the pain
Take me back to the start
 
Play time
I must be strong
Time only plays
Time only moves forward
 
Mute time
Make it not count
Just let me be me
I will heal in my own time
Posted: 8/3/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Can you hear those voices?
Those voices in my head
They are getting louder
It’s very hard to think
 
My mind is running wild now
Telling me awful things
Its time to let out
What’s happening within
 
I take a sharp blade
I rest it on my wrist
Its time to hurt myself
Its time to pay for what they did
 
I move the blade quickly across my skin
I leave a deep wound to represent the pain within
I know this won’t fix my problems
But it distracts me from my mind
 
I can feel a different pain
A pain that is a relief from the pain I feel inside
My mind slowly comes back to me
The voices begin to fade
 
Now I am angry at myself
For picking up that blade
I know it’s not the answer
But it sure did feel that way
 
I bandage up the wound
I wear a jumper to go out
I must hide the pain
I must keep it all inside
 
Society silences this very thing
Society allows the silence to eat up the very me
I don’t want to hurt myself
But at the moment I’m hanging by a thread
Posted: 8/1/2009 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

The little girl in my dreams
Sits in a cold room
With nothing wrapped around her
 
The little girl in my dreams
Was stripped of her innocence
Left confused and full of fear
 
The little girl in my dreams
Had nothing but the warmth of his body
As he robbed her of her dignity
 
The little girl in my dreams
Has no voice
As he left her speechless and ashamed
 
The little girl in my dreams
Was left alone to pick up his pieces
After he shattered her over and over again
 
The little girl in my dreams
Is trapped inside my body
She is unable to escape the pain
Posted: 8/1/2009 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Hey i wrote this poem about my counsellor! I am yet to show her! Guess i am a bit nervous bout showing her!
 
I just wanted to let you know
You really mean a lot to me
You came into my life
You left your mark on my heart
 
You are my angel
You cheer me up when I feel blue
You never ever walk away
Your hand always does remain
 
You took my hand
You showed me you care
You showed me a light
In a world that never seemed to care
 
You have been there for me
I thank you for all you have done
You gave me a voice
A voice to set me free
Posted: 8/1/2009 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I close my eyes
And there you are
You’re always there
You’re never late
 
You feel so real
Your every move
Your unwanted touch
I see you too
 
I open my eyes
I bang my head
You still remain
And so does your touch
 
I feel sick
I can not breathe
My legs are shaky
I dare not move
 
You’re happening again
And I can not scream
I am silent
I am still
 
I want to cry
I want to run
I want to feel safe
I want to forget what was done
 
Videos of you
Keep me up in the night
Leave me in the pain
Of my six year old self
Posted: 7/30/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Every time I see your face
I am reminded of the pain you caused me that night
I thought you were my friend
But I guess I thought wrong
As I know deep in my heart
Friends keep each other safe
 
I see you around town sometimes
I feel so angry when I do
Why did you do that to me?
When I clearly told you no
I guess you sacrificed our friendship
When you forced yourself on me that night
 
I could not look at myself for days
I knew I was dirty after what you done
Why did I feel to blame?
When I never even had a say
You left me throwing up for weeks
You had me hanging by a thread
 
You said it was okay
You said we were just experimenting
You forced yourself on me
I tried so hard to fight you off
I was just too weak
I was far too intoxicated
 
I often wonder how you sleep
Knowing what you done was wrong
I tried lying to myself
I guess you done that too
Sooner or later you must face the truth
The ugly truth that I have come to face
 
You forced yourself on a close friend that night
You didn’t listen to her when she said no
You took advantage of her
When she was intoxicated and weak
You lost a friend that night
You caused her pain
 
I hate you so much
The hate is burning within me
I can’t find words for what you done to me
I don’t understand how you did that
But just know always
You fucked up real bad that night
Posted: 7/28/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Innocence
You stole that from me
Innocence
You knew what you were doing was wrong
Innocence
How come I never had a say?
Innocence
How come you took mine away?
 
Confusion
You left me feeling this way
Confusion
What made you take?
Confusion
How could you steal from a little girl?
Confusion
How could you break her tiny little heart?
 
Dirty
I feel so dirty
Dirty
You made me this way
Dirty
I can’t wash it all away
Dirty
Will I always be this way?
Posted: 7/27/2009 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

You lived across the road
You called me your best friend
You made me play your games
I didn’t find them fun
 
I hated being alone with you
I hated what you done
I didn’t understand
How you found it fun
 
You truly made me sick
You made me awful scared
You found pleasure in hurting me
In every way you could
 
You forced me to touch your brother
You smiled each time you watched
You were awful sick
I hated how you won
 
Saying no was not an option
It only made you mad
You used to beat me up
You always had your way
 
I cry myself to sleep
At the thought of what you done
I have nightmares
I can’t forget the things you done
 
Why didn’t you just play?
Like every other kid
I never asked to play your games
But I guess you didn’t care
 
Memories of what you done
Make it hard to move on
How can I trust?
When all you did was take?
Posted: 7/24/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Call the ambulance
I have wiped myself out again
Can anyone hear me?
I have drank too much
 
No one can hear me
I may as well be alone
I am lying on a bed
What the hell is going on?
 
Don’t make a sound
Someone is coming
I know I’m in trouble
But what can I do?
 
He is standing over the bed
I lie there in silence
I am so drunk
I can barely keep awake
 
He had sex with me
I should know
I was blacking inn and out
To his every move
 
My friend was beside me
Yet she didn’t do a thing
She was the first person
To spread the new news
 
I am a slut
These are the rumours
There all about me
There’s nothing I can do
Posted: 7/23/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

All alone in your room
Just sitting on your bed
I am eleven years old
I thought you wanted to play
 
You came down on me
You took off all my clothes
I lied perfectly still
I never made a sound
 
You forced your way inn
As I lied there in pain
You made me bleed
Just like my cousin would
 
You were my neighbour
You were my friend
I didn’t say a word
Even though I was scared
 
You should have been playing
 Like all the other kids
But just like your brother
You took your share
 
I am the perfect little doll
The pretty doll men pass around
I was taught how to do my job
I guess I did it really well
 
Take a last look
I am no longer your pretty doll
My body is my own
Just like it should have been
Posted: 7/21/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

There’s a monster under my desk at school
There’s a monster attacking me
The teacher doesn’t even notice
That he is touching me
 
I ask to go to the bathroom
But the monster just follows me
He continues to touch as he pleases
He continues to do as he likes
 
I know I must obey
I know I must keep him happy
Otherwise he will beat upon me
He will remind me that his in control
 
At lunch I try to hide from him
I walk beside the teacher
I know he won’t dare touch me
While she is there beside me
 
The other kids tease me
The monster told them what we done
He told them we had sex
He told them I agreed
 
All I want to do is play
Like all the other kids
Yet how can I do that?
When he is after me
Posted: 7/21/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

 

I want to play
I want to run
I want to laugh
I want to be a kid
 
I don’t want to be owned
I don’t want to play “their games”
I don’t want to be so afraid
I don’t want to be an adult
 
Why can’t I just play?
Like all the other kids
I don’t want to be their pretty little doll
I just want to be a kid
 
Kid’s laughter
It sounds so far away
Kids playing in a distance
Just too far away
 
I must do what they say
I am not allowed to disobey
Another day I can not play
I must stay inside today
 
I am not a kid
I never was
I played little
For I had a bigger job
 
My job was to make them happy
My job was to be their doll
My job was to let them touch
My job was to be their toy
 
I am no longer “theirs”
My body is now my “own”
They may have broken me up
But the pieces will learn to mend
Posted: 7/21/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

My name is Rachael
I am six years old
I’m learning to spell my name
And count to ten
 
My name is Rachael
I go to Pre-school
I have three big sisters
I have both my mummy and daddy
 
My name is Rachael
I get a smack when I play up
Then sent to my room
Until I learn how to behave
 
My name is Rachael
I’m different to other kids
My cousin touches me
I must not tell
 
My name is Rachael
I am scared
My cousin beats me
He is much bigger than me
 
My name is Rachael
I am seven
Now I’m eight
Then I’m 9, 10, and 11
 
My name is Rachael
My cousin hurts me
He locks the door
Every bloody time
 
My name is Rachael
I must lie still
I must not move
Until he is finished with me
 
My name is Rachael
I am not innocent
My cousin taught me
All the grown up things
 
My name is Rachael
I am seventeen
I still remember
Every single day
Posted: 7/21/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

I cover up your lies
I do it all the time
I treat them like their precious
I act like they are worth protecting
 
They follow me around
They remind me I’m not worth it
Why do I cover for you?
When you only let me down?
 
My head is spinning out of control
I am screaming out for help
I am paranoid that I am going crazy
Yet no one can even tell
 
My life is heading down the path of self destruction
This time they aren’t physically destroying me
But the memories of what they done are
They are killing me one by one
 
I’ve been down this path so many times before
It has never been pretty
I slowly destroy myself
Hoping and praying that this time it won’t be too late
 
Can I turn myself around this time?
Will I be strong enough?
I’ve done it before
But that doesn’t mean I can do it again
 
Who will save me?
Who honestly wants to reach out there hand to me?
Should I reach back?
Is my life really worthy of being saved?
Posted: 7/19/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

You use to be my friend
Well at least I thought you were
I told you all my secrets
I gave you my shoulder when you cried
 
We use to hang out all the time
Just like good friends do
But you made me think twice
About what a real friend is
 
You stabbed me in the back
When I was vulnerable and weak
You taught me not to trust
Even those I thought I could
 
I was awful drunk that night
I wiped myself completely out
I desperately wanted to escape
All my inner self hate
 
We bought a shit load of drinks
And I was sure to drink my share
I was a close friend
Yet you didn’t even care
 
I thought I could trust you
I thought you were my friend
As I know your past
I didn’t think you could
 
I begged you not to do it
Yet you didn’t stop
I blamed it all on me
When I couldn’t fight you off
 
You made me sick for weeks
I could barely speak
I hated what you done
Who had you become?
 
I live with what you done
Each and every day
I simply can’t forget
What you stole from me that night
Posted: 7/17/2009 - 1 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

In a dark room
Lock the door
Must remain as quiet as a mouse
 
Loud noises
Footsteps approach
He is after me, it’s easy to tell
 
Don’t make a sound
Maybe he won’t hear you
Maybe he will just go away
 
I begin to panic
I struggle to breathe
Why does he always come after me?
 
He opens the door
Locks it behind
He heads straight over to me
 
I lie on my bed
I lie awful still
Reliving everything that happened to me
 
I can’t escape
Even though it’s just in my mind
The memories are happening all over again
 
I try to run
I try to hide
But there is truly no escape
Posted: 7/12/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

 
This is my body
Do I have the right?
This is my body
Yet I can’t stand the sight
 
This is my body
What gave you the right?
This is my body
Why did I have to fight?
 
This is my body
Did you think it was yours?
This is my body
Yet I had no choice
 
This is my body
I have the right
This is my body
You stole that right
 
This is my body
Why did you touch it?
This is my body
It is not yours
 
This is my body
So don’t you touch it
That is your body
Do what you like
Posted: 7/12/2009 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

 

I was only six

I liked pretty dolls

But mostly colourful cars

 

I never knew what sex was

But you forced that upon me

You always liked to play rough

 

I was so afraid for so long

Because of you I struggled to move on

 

I once looked up to you

For protection, safety and love

But you found hurting me

To be more fun

 

You are the shadow that will not leave

The one that haunts me in my dreams

 

You can apologise to me

& I will most likely forgive you

But as of today

You can not apologise to that little girl

For she no longer exists

Posted: 7/12/2009 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Little girl wipe your tears
One day soon you will not fear
You know when you have your angel near
When you get that feeling in your heart
Just hold on to it for it won’t ever leave your side
Posted: 7/12/2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

 

Every time it clicked
I died a little more inside
Because you came and stole
A part of me that was mine
 
Every time you came
I knew exactly why
I knew you wanted more
I knew you wanted what was mine
 
I tried to stare upon a wall
I wanted to escape
Instead I lied there
And let you steal what was mine
 
Now I lie awake
I lie awake in fear
Unable to forget
Exactly what you stole
 
Can I claim my body?
Can I say its mine?
When you already stole
A part of me that was mine
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