Hey everyone

I was in intensive care for 2 wks and 2 days due to a really bad overdose.  A wk and a half of this i was on life support.  I had 2 seizures.  I had pneumonia.  part of one of my lungs collapsed.  I don't remember this happening or even overdosing.  I was given medication to put me to sleep most of the time because i was really confused.  they wrote it all in a book for me and my sister told me stuff.  I am feeling a lot better now.  the overdose did not scare me. its acutally what ive wanted for so long excepts i wanted to die.  But i am so glad i am here now. i still get flashbacks and stuff but i havent been feeling suicidal or like self harming.  im not on any medication anymore.  i believe God really had his hand on my  life and i believe he is the reason i am still here.  I didnt even get any brain damage after that overdose which i believe God protected me!  I am really happy i am alive now and i am fighting to get better. i do hope to work with others survivors and give them hope for a brighter future!!

Hope everyone else is doing well.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Stay safe

Xoxox

1 2 3

A B C

Play with toys

Go to bed

 

Simple things

I missed in life

Because you stole

So much from me

 

You took my trust

I was only a child

You stole my smile

Every single day

 

Don’t you understand?

Just how much you stole

You taught me things

That I shouldn’t have known

 

You made me cry

You made me shake

You made me hide

You even made me bleed

 

I was everyone’s toy

I played all the adult games

I was only a child

How could you steal from a child?

 

 I feel so weak

Does this journey ever end?

It feels like I’ve been walking forever

Yet I’m not always walking further

 

I feel so damaged

I don’t know if I can be repaired

I’m sick of fighting all the time

Why can’t my life just be alright?

 

I just want it to end

I’m only hanging by a thread

I think it’s going to snap again

Maybe this time my life will end

 

I feel so numb

I’ve pushed my feelings so far down

Big tall walls surround me

Yet still I feel so much fear

 

I’m sorry

I just don’t think I can fight much more

I feel like I can’t go on

Like maybe I just can’t be saved

 

Don’t you understand?

I feel so much pain everyday

It’s not like I’m getting any better

So why am I still here?

 

Every pill I’ve swallowed
Every deep wound I’ve made

Why did somebody save me?

Don’t they get it; I don’t want to be saved

 

Every failed attempt

The pain is still here

I am still here

Why can’t I succeed?

 

Can’t you see?

I try so hard just to breathe

Why can’t all of this end?

As I don’t think I will ever mend

 Innocent blood from a little girl

How could you steal what clearly wasn’t yours?

Every drop of blood so pure

What made you steal her smile away?

 

With every drop of blood that spilled

You made the little child die within

The innocent blood that spilled

Nothing can replace what you stole from me

 

I continue to bleed as I cut each time

Why do I still bleed for you?

All this blood that I spill

Why do I bleed for you?

Hey everyone. You can stop worrying bout my overdose. I did end up pretty bad so is a good thing my sis called an ambulance. Ive only just got off the different drips and things they gave me to reverse the effects. Im currently waiting for an available bed in the acute mental health ward. Thanks for all your concern but im alrite. So u can stop worrying. Its real hard to contact from hospital so il chat more wen i am released

 I just took 90 tablets.   =(

 

The days are getting harder now

I don’t want to be around

I just wish this pain would end

Or go away for a while

 

I try so hard to keep my mind blank

So I won’t feel a thing

But my mind is filled with memories

And haunting me they are

 

I can’t forget those awful days

I can’t forget the pain

The memories play in my head

I think I’m living it again

 

Why won’t this pain just go away?

Why won’t my smile return?

If it did, would it matter?

Would the pain return?

 

So many bad thoughts visit me

Every single day

Telling me to give up now

Why stay another day?

 

It’s not like the world’s safer now

It’s getting worse all the time

And I’m always feeling scared

But no one really ever cares

 

I feel so guilty

That they walk free

That I wasn’t strong

That I never put them where they belong

 

I know it will be my fault

When their next victim comes along

But it’s not like I can change it now

And save another’s life

 

I cut my wrist sometimes

To represent a small part of the pain I feel

But I couldn’t cut deep enough

To show the pain inside

 

It distracts me from my mind

Even though it’s just for a while

But I guess it’s just like happiness

That only last a short time

 

So alone
People surround me
Yet i feel so alone

So Voiceless
People try to help
Words can't escape

So unexpressed
Thoughts bound within
Memories trapped

So numb
Too much pain
Where to begin?

So much rage
Anger explodes
Frustration unfolds

So shameful
Nothing but hate
Noone wothwhile

So fearful
Shaking, trembling
No place is safe

 

SO many voices in my head.Just give up now, let this life end.  Day and night, their always around.  When will these thoughts come to an end!!  I tried to kill myself, yes its true.  I was hospitalised for taking some pills. I must stay with a friend, who keeps a close eye. Some people come see me, to see im alright. I tell them some lies, i tell them that I'm alright.  But deep down inside, I wish it would end!

I tried to suffocate myself the other night.. i tried so hard to make it all end.. i was going to take some pills again, but my friend found my stash and now i have none.. I feel so horrible for feeling this way... Others don't understand what made me this way! all these voices in my head. when will they all come to an end. I have to wonder, why bother to fight? Whats the point of living this life? I guess the question is what will end first, the thoughts or my life?

He whispers oh so gently in my ear
beautiful child, oh how i love you
you are so precious to me
i love you more than you will ever know

I was there every time you fell
just wanting to pick you up
and hold you close in my arms
for you are my child and you are loved

I know everything about you
and i still love you
nothing you can do
can take away my love for you

I'm there when you hold back your tears
you are safe, let those tears pour
I am there when you feel scared
but my daughter have no more fears

I carry you in the darkest of times
I've never left you
Ive held your hand
And waited for you to grab a hold of mine

I will never let you go
Even when you run away
I will be waiting for you
to come back into my arms
 
Precious child,
let me love you
let me hold you
Let me be your strength

My daughter
No more fears
No more holding back tears
In my loving arms you are safe and forever loved

the room is empty
I'm all alone
why am i hiding
i don't even know

those years are gone
I'm all grown up
yet i feel your presence
and your unwanted touch

my mind aches
as your memories replay
Which will end first?
the memories or my life?

I'm losing control
without thinking
i reach for a drink
instead of the phone

i can't see a thing
 I'm lying on the floor
where did my clothes go
i feel so ashamed

footsteps approach
i try to get up
but I've lost all control
why did i reach for that drink?

i hold the knife in my hand
was that a memory or did it happen again?
I cut till the blood rushes out
i guess the memories have won

I feel someones gentle touch
as they embrace me in their arms
i didn't know what love was
until you came into my life

God was there for me
He always cared for me
when everything was broken
He still saw hope for my life

He carried me
in my weakest times
he was my strength
when i had none

God holds me in his hand
For me he has a great plan
his love poured into my life
he bought all my pain to an end

 

I have locked something up inside
a feeling of guilt that i despise
you left me with this bag of shame
for all these years i thought i was to blame

a part of me died when i was six years old
a happiness in me disappeared
you made me feel like a worthless doll
as you stole away my innocent days

all the love in me wilted away
i felt none because you drained it away
any love that was shown my way
was drained out of me by a love sucking bug

i'd shower in boiling hot water
i'd try to remove the smell of you
your dirty ways i could not escape
no matter what body wash i used

i learnt to inflict pain on myself
i thought i deserved it after all you done
i guess you thought that you had won
when i simply didn't make one sound

when i look back it feels like yesterday
i can smell your sickening thoughts
after all these years you have lingered on
even now your touch is near

the fear remained close by myside
it held my hand all the time
i guess i never really understood
how my cousin could betray me all the time?

what i never knew
was the blame and shame belongs to you
i give it all back to you
as i know it was yours all along

no more love drained from me
no more drowning in a pool of fear
those days are now the past
and my future is my new start

My happiness begins here
i want it back after all these years
the memories are yours to keep
i done nothing wrong so i will not weep

although you tried to drain the life from me
you never succeeded to kill me
i finally learnt that you were wrong
and now is my time to walk on strong

I got no place to run
nowhere left to hide
no love left inside
this  hatred i despise

i drink all the time
i numb my feelings inside
if i drink enough i'll die
I will escape this very life

I'm suffocating can't you see
there's no more life inside of me
you stole away my innocence
you killed the child that was once me

but then i found a hope in me
i found a god that does love me
he filled that place that you once stole
he gave me air to breathe again

my friend carried me from the dark
she lent me her very helping hand
she led me to a guy named God
who restored the life in me

I tell you this you unwelcome one
you may have thought you had won
but you thought very wrong
your punishment will one day come

I'm sorry I made you mad
I guess I really am that bad
That's why Dad was always mad
I guess it was my fault somehow

I swear I try really hard
I try my best when you're around
I don't want to disappoint you
Or let you down somehow

So as I close my eyes
I will wish upon a star
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it comes true somehow