You played me well

You made me feel special

You made me feel loved

You made me feel protected

You called me your girl

You said I was the most beautiful girl in the World

You said you loved me more than anything else

You promised me that you'd keep me safe

You said we should wait for sex

As you did not want to take advantage of me

And set me off

So I'd have to convince you that you weren't

You became so controlling

You wouldn't let me see my friends

You wanted to be with me always

You wanted to choose my life

You really scared me when you heard voices

You asked me to stab you

I tried getting you help

But you grabbed me tight and covered my mouth

I started to see your true sides

So I told you we were over

But you begged to be friends

And I eventually gave inn

You took me out to dinner

And I started falling for you again

Then you took me to the movies

And insisted I went back to your house

I stupidly agreed

I should have known better

But I thought I could trust you

You led me on to

You wanted to kiss me

You wanted to make me yours

When I said no

You couldn't understand

You forced yourself on me

I begged you to stop

But you were too strong

Theres no way I could fight you off

I tried pretending to sleep

But you kept going

You kept touching me

I wished so much to be dead

It felt so wrong

The memories of my past crept up

I thought you were different

But I guess I thought wrong

I just wanted for you to stop

So I just agreed to have sex

Luckily you were quick

But it still messed with my head

 I can't make sense of my head

So many thoughts run through my mind

Thoughts of self-harm, thoughts to die

All of the memories from my past

I feel so stupid

I feel so pathetic

I am 19 years old

And they still control me now

I can still see them

I can still smell them

I can even still feel them

It's too real in my mind

How could they do that to a child?

How could you do that to your cousin?

How could you do that to your friend

How could you harm your own daughter?

I still beat myself up from all they done

I still feel worthless, I can't forget what they done

I still feel scared, when they play in my mind

I still feel angry, when someone  mentions there name

It is so fucked up

I'm one big mess

I feel so much pain

Yet their lives go on so well

Fuck you Mum & Dad

Fuck you Jaron

Fuck you Luke & Todd

Fuck  you Nikita & Shane

Fuck you Brent

Fuck the rest of you

Fuck all of you for what you done

And don't worry your time will come 

 I made a mistake

I was feeling angry

And I reached for a blade

Instead of the phone

I placed the blade on my arm

I pressed down really hard

I swiped the blade across my skin

And watched my blood pour out

Now I have stitches

To heal the wounds I made

But it won't heal completly

It's going to leave me with some scars

I still felt like cutting

The urge was very strong

But I didn't have a blade

So I banged my head on the wall

Now I'm in the mental ward

As I'm not safe from myself

 I wonder who you can trust

When you can't even trust yourself

I really hate the ward

But it's better than being at home

Because my Mum is visiting now

And it's sending me insane

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Turning up in my life now

She should have been there long ago

It's far too late now! 

 Thank you Kimi

For being there when I needed you

You have a beautiful soul

You're an angel in disguise

Thank you for your kindness

Thanks for helping me

Thank you for your warmness

For your helping hand

I was feeling frightened

But you helped me to feel safe

I was feeling down

But you lifted up my soul

You being there for me

Meant the World to me

You showed me a light

In a world that never seemed to care

Thank you for giving me a voice

A voice to set me free

Thank you for everything

You're like a Hero to me 

 I gave inn

I banged my head

I know I shouldn’t have

But then I did

I just wanted an escape

I needed an escape

I was seeing awful things

They were playing in my head

I guess I failed

Because I hit my head

I should have asked for help sooner

But I guess I was too weak

Claire is like an Angel

She put a smile upon my face

She helped me to escape

Even if only for a while

I was feeling frightened

But she sat down there beside me

She made me feel safe

Like everything will be okay

I’m thankful for what she done

Yet I’m sorry she saw me that way

She has a beautiful soul

She has left her mark on my heart

I know she doesn’t know it

But she’s helped me fight a little longer

She lifted up my soul

She helped me see some light

I thank her for her helping hand

I thank her for being there

She has really touched my heart

She’s been special from the start

I wish the best for her life

I wish her love and happiness

I hope she gets the best out of life

Because she deserves good to come her way

 Daddy's mad again

It's clear if you hear his voice

His yelling and screaming at mum

I guess I must have been bad again

I'm hiding in my closet

Trying to make myself small

Trying to make myself disappear

Wishing I was never born

I hear his footsteps approaching

Each step gets louder as you draw near

I hold my teddy really close

Praying that it will be okay

I shrink at his shadow

I cover my mouth

Tears stream down my face

As you stand over me

I'm sorry Daddy

I did try really hard

I never meant to make you mad

I never meant for you to frown

You pick me up from the ground

You shake me really hard

You tell me that I'm stupid

Then you throw me to the ground

Daddy leaves me crying on the ground

He leaves slamming the door

Another night over

Another day ahead

 I'm sorry Daddy
I never meant to make you made
I'm sorry Daddy
That I really was that bad

I know you wish I was never born
Daddy I do wish that as well
I know you think I was never good enough
Daddy I know that just as well

I hope you know I tried really hard
I tried to be good
I tried to make you proud
But I was never good enough

I used to be your princess
Your special little girl
But then I screwed up
And I was no longer Daddy's little girl

You used to hit me really hard
Just to remind me that I'd been bad
It really hurt when you knocked me around
But I know I deserved it all the time

I'm sorry Daddy
I really am
I'm sorry Daddy
But I know thats not enough
 

 I was your pretty little doll
You were my cousin
I was an easy target
Just a tiny little girl

You used to lock the door behind you
You placed me on that bed
You took off all my clothes
You stripped away my innocence

You did just as you pleased
I never said one word
I tried to stare upon a wall
I tried to escape my body

I didn't know what you were doing
But I knew it really hurt
What made you take so much from me?
What made you think it was your right?

I did feel really scared
When I felt warm blood on my leg
But I kept my mouth closed
As you told me such harsh words

I put my clothes back on
Then you left the room
I tried to go back to my old self
But I was never ever the same

I was your pretty little doll
I was your favourite little toy
And even though I'm not anymore
Your presence still lingers on
 

 I know you want me to stay
But I just want to go
I want to close my eyes
And never wake up again

I'm so sick of feeling pain
It stabs me in my heart
I never asked to be born
But I ask to fade away

All the memories are too much
They follow me around
They remind me I'm not worth it
That I never really was

I know that you love me
And yes I love you too
But being here hurts too much
And leaving is my only escape

So I say goodbye to you
And wish you the best life
I pray my memory will be with you
That you remember the good times we had

I wish you no harm
And I'm sorry this hurts you
But this is what I want
And I pray you will move on
 

 You tell me you love me
But they're only words
The pain you caused me
Tell my otherwise

You abandoned me
You caused me pain
You were never there
When I needed you most

You never protected me
Even when there were signs
You never held me close
You let me fend for myself

Don't tell me your sorry now
Because there only words
And because there from you
I know there only lies
 

 Theres a gun in my hand
You don't understand
Therers a gun in my hand
Please let my life end

I can't get better
Can't you see
I've tried all the drugs
I've tried getting help

Why do they save me?
I never asked to be saved
They should have ended life support
Not bought my life back

I'm a ticking time bomb
Theres no more life in my
It''s just a matter of time
Until death creeps its way inn

 I'm dead
Not that you can see
I'm dead on the inside
There's no life in me

I'm so disconnected
I don't want to feel pain
But then flashbacks come inn
And I relive everything all over again

I'm self destructive
I'm killing myself
I self harm my body
In hope this will end

I'm fading away
I starve my body
I eat little food
I can't risk gaining weight

I always dreamed of being safe
Away from the abuse
In a place free of fear
But now I fear myself

I have a problem
Can't you see
I'm a danger to myself
Yet I can't escape me

Death
No fear in dying
There's no pain there
Theres nothing left to fear`

 I want to bang my head
I want to punch a wall
I want to take a blade
And watch my blood pour

I want to bite my arms
I want to inflict pain
I want to feel a different pain
Than the pain I feel inside

I feel so many emotions
I can't explain them all
I feel like I'm going crazy
Yet no one else can tell

I'm scared to be alone
I'm so scared of myself
I'm so self destructive
I'm slowly killing myself

I just want to escape
I want to get away
I can't make my thoughts stop
There's no escape from myself

No one else can save me
Not even if they try
If they could, I'm sure they would
It's just me, I can only save myself

I'm not sure how I can
If I knew I would
Because no one else would hurt
If I could save myself

I don't think I can fight no more
There's no more strength inside
Will my next attempt go to plan?
Or will i wake again?
 

 They say things get easier
That time heals everything
But how long do I have to wait
For the pain to ease

The memories haunt me everyday
They won't leave me alone
They say to leave the past behind
But mine follows me around

Is there really hope for me?
Can I really be free?
If theres really a chance for me
How long should I wait?

I feel like I deserve to be here
Like I deserve this pain
I feel so unworthy of this life
I wonder if thats true

I keep getting older
Yet nothing seems to change
I've tried getting help
But everythings the same

They say I'm selfish for wanting to go
And in so many ways it is
But isn't it selfish for wanting me to stay
When I can't learn to cope with the pain

I'm sorry I feel so bad
That I just want to go
But time is healing nothing
Like the pain will never fade

 She's fat
She's ugly
She's staring back at me

She's stupid
She's pathetic
She's worth absolutely nothing

She's crying
She's hurting
She don't know how to cope

She's shaking
She's scared
She's dangerous to herself

She's lost
She's dying
She's my own reflection

 Don't care for me
You will only be hurt
Don't try to save me
My life can't be saved

I hate myself
Thats the truth
Don't love me
I'm not worth the time

I want to go
I wish I didn't
But lifes too hard
And I won't survive

I've tried fighting
I really have
But I guess I've given up now
And it's only a matter of time
 

 Doors bang
I shake
It reminds me of you
It reminds me of fear

I can see you even now
I can even feel your touch
It's cold, it's unwanted
It won't leave me alone

How can you feel so real even now?
How can you follow me around?
Those years are gone
Yet it feels just as real now

Will I always jump
When I hear a door slam
Will I always see you 
When I lay down on my bed

I try to remind myself
That you are only a memory
But no matter how hard I try
It's like I'm reliving it again

I always dream of the day
When you won't feel so real
But it doesn't matter how much I dream
It don't mean that it will come true
 

 Daddy
You said a lot of things to me
You said you loved me
You said I'd made you proud

Daddy
I don't know what to believe from you
You never said these words once before
Instead you told me, I should have never been born

Daddy
I'm sorry for all those times I made you mad
I'm sorry you hut me because I was bad
But more than anything, I'm sorry I won't allow you around

Daddy
I wish things were differerent
I wish things never got this bad
I wish you could love me and hold me in your arms

Daddy
I know you bought me in this world
I know by blood your my Dad
But I'm not your little girl no more

Daddy 
I know that seems harsh
But you failed to play your part
So as far as I'm concerned, your my Dad by blood and nothing else
 

 The past is the past
It should just be that
But to me it is more

I'm so afraid
Not sure who to trust
Don't know what place is safe

I want to be free
Just want to run away
Find a place I feel safe

So many trigger
Loud noises and bands
So many scary places

I don't want to relive it
Yet I do everyday
The past lingers on

I don't want to wake up
Just want to close my eyes
And never come back

I try to see the future
Look ahead and see hope
But I'm stuck in the past

Not sure what I deserve
But it don't feel like life
Death feels too close

 I believe I can fly
Learn to spread my wings
I can be free

Everybody needs some help
Someone they can trust
They need a helping hand

There's Angels around us
To help get us by
To help keep us safe

When you feel afraid
Grab ahold of your Angel
For they will never leave your side

Believe in yourself
Believe you can fly
There's no mountain too high
 

 Took a pretty bad overdose on the 7th of July.   But I am okay now. When I was medically cleared I went down to the Mental Ward for awhile. Just got discharged today but may be going back into hospital soon as my weight is too low as it is under 17 which is medically unstable. Hoping not to but up to the hospital really.  But feeling a little more hopeful towards the future then a week or so ago!