I can see them

I can feel them

I think it’s happening again

This is all too real

I’m really scared

I jump in the shower

I feel so dirty

I must remove the smell of them

I must get clean somehow

I scrub and I scratch away at my skin

I cover myself in lots of body wash

But I still feel dirty

I am so fucking dirty

I think they are here with me

It feels all too real

They must be here

I can feel them touching me

Why won’t they leave me alone?

I’m so stupid

I’m so sorry

Please make it stop

I just want to die

A nurse comes inn

She turns the shower off

Why would she do that?

I’m still so fucking dirty

My body’s shaking uncontrollably

I put on my clothes

She takes me into a room

I am breathing really fast

She tells me to slow my breathing down

You’ll make yourself sick

But I don’t know how

I hold my breath instead

She gives me medication

She says this will help calm me down

I wish it would take these flashbacks away

I start punching myself

And banging my head

I wish I could cut

I just wish this would end

I think they are coming

Please, don’t let them hurt me

Please, don’t let them near me

I’m so fucking stupid

They told me not to tell

Why did I have to tell?

So stupid, So stupid, So Stupid!

Please, give me lots of pills

I just want to die

The nurse gets a game

We play connect four

She distracts me so well

She even manages to make me laugh

I come back to reality

I realise they can’t harm me now

It’s not them I need to be afraid of

But rather myself

 Take me away

Away from this pain
Take me some place safe
Please, won’t you save me from myself

Flashbacks
They won’t leave me alone
I can feel their dirty touch
It’s making me feel sick and afraid

I want to take a blade
And watch my blood pour out
But I couldn’t cut deep enough
To erase all my pain

I want to swallow pills
I don’t want to take another breath
I just want to fade away
Just make myself go away

Can’t you see
I try so hard just to breathe
I can’t find an escape
So please, save me from myself

 Fuck you Ana

For controlling me the way you have
Fuck you Ana
For stealing the life that I once had

Fuck you Ana
I was never fat like you said I was
Fuck you Ana
My body is my own

Fuck you Ana
For all the lies you made me believe
Fuck you Ana
You’re not controlling me from this moment on

Fuck you Ana
For making me afraid of food
Fuck you Ana
I don’t need you anymore

Fuck you Ana
You can’t control me like you have
Fuck you Ana
I’m better off without you here

 Scars

They cover my arms and legs
Each one tells a story
Of a broken little girl

They tell of a time
When my body was not my own
They tell of a time
When my innocence was taken away

They’re all so ugly
Just like the stories behind them
They all represent a part of my life
And all the pain that I feel

You must think I’m crazy
For taking a blade in my hand
But the memories haunt me all the time
And cutting is my escape

It’s an addiction
Just like a drug
I can’t cut enough
I can never bleed enough

Scars
They represent the child I was
Please help me to stop
Because I can’t on my own

 I was so young

I was only a child
But I wasn’t a kid at heart
As you stole my innocence away

You left me drowning
Unable to reach the surface
You left me in fear
No place feels safe

I don’t know how you sleep at night
Knowing what you did was wrong
How can you live with yourself?
After stealing away from a child

The memories have lingered on
They haunt me all the time
I feel so much pain
I can’t forget the things you done

They say that time heals everything
But I don’t think time can heal
Too much has been done
And I’m afraid I can’t move on

 Videos of you

Keep me up in the night
Leave me in the pain
Of my four year old self

I feel sick
When I see you in my mind
I feel afraid
As your touch feels so real

I scrub my skin really hard
But I can’t remove the smell of you
I feel dirty because of you
It doesn’t matter what body wash I use

I bang my head against a wall                          
I’ll do anything to escape you
I can feel a different pain
A pain that is a relief from the pain I feel inside

Videos of you
Take me back to that place that I fear
They keep me awake at night
They make me believe there’s safety in death

 Your tiny little heart

Used to beat inside
A precious little baby
The World never got to know
I cried the day you left me
A shattered mess I was
God took you up to Heaven
To be with him instead
I know you’re loved there
I know you’re really safe
But I still miss you every single day
I hope I meet you some day
But for now my little Angel
Know that I love you

 I have a dream

That I will swallow lots of pills
And never wake again

I can’t fight no more
The memories are too real
The pain is too much

I have an obsession
I want to close my eyes
And fade out of the World

I was eight years old
When I first wanted to die
I guess some things never change

I wish I wanted life
Because then no one else will hurt
But it feels like I’ll never mend

They say that time will heal
But how long do I have to wait
For this pain to ease