Dear Sisters and Brothers,
Up till now, all i've said about my situation was basically that it happend when i was 4. My reasons for not sharing more is that my two sons and many of their friends who i am "mom" to are supporters on my behalf. THAT IS SO COOL! I've held this in my head and soul for almost 52 yrs now and am still kinda freaked that it's all come out to another person...and just let me say...HE HAS BEEN WONDERFUL and YES...I KNOW HOW FORTUNATE I AM IN HIM...but then...i've always known that. This secret was the one thing we had not shared...now we do...and he looks at me with more love and respect than ever. He's told me that the fact that i've been the wife to him i've been, amazes him, now knowing what he knows. Would he have reacted that way years ago??i don't know...i believe so...but it's hard for the man to deal with this when it's the woman he loves...so yep...I AM BLESSED...and i pray all of you find your soulmates that will be so wonderful to you.
ok..this may come in fits and starts but........if what i can bring myself to say here helps one...it's been worth it.
First...triggers happen...i know...but having this place is a refuge...even if a story here triggers me...it just makes me that more determined.
I was the middle child...only at age four..my sister wasn't even a gleam in daddy's eye. My dad had to move about for a few years with his job and we moved with him. At age four, we moved to a small town in the lower part of our state. We lived on a busy highway and an adjoining street 4 houses down joined back yard with ours. There were no fences. Behind our house was the forest. I attended a kind of pre-school and was friends in school with a boy my age who lived on the adjoining street. Two doors down was a family whose father worked with mine. They had a teen son and an older daughter who was about to go off to college. The son had a tent out in the woods. After about a month of living there, the boy cornered me out back one day and dragged me into the woods. He told me if i ever said a word that he would kill me and all i loved,,,starting with my parents and big brother. The first day, he just probed. The next day, he and my brother were sitting on the back steps to his home while our moms visited. He made my brother call me over and right there put his hands down my shorts and probed, and demanded my brother do the same. He was only 6 and afraid of the boy as well. WE KNEW THIS WAS WRONG but the boy was a teen and a very big boy. Later in the afternoon, as my friend and i were playing...the boy came by and told me to follow him and be quiet. My friend looked at me very strangely then ran home. ( i was later to find out that this kid had abused him as well). This time when i was taken into the woods, he took me into the tent and took my panties and shorts off. He raped me for ages but could not find any satisfaction so he raped me anywhere and everywhere. I was made to eat dog poo that he would stick himself in and perform oral sex on him ...to "clean him up".
When he decided to release me to leave, he reminded me of his threat. As you would expect, i was bleeding everywhere and it filled my panties. My mother said not a word, just put me in the bath. This was to be a daily occurance for the next nine months. Sometimes twice a day and always when he was allowed to "baby sit" my brother and me. We would both cry and beg our parents not to leave us with him but to no avail. For years, I truly believed that my mother could not have known. Until her death in 1993, she remained good friends with the family and carried a picture of "him" and his sister in her wallet. I pushed the whole thing into a closet in my head...nailed boards over it and when we moved...i left it there. I always knew what was behind that door but it was safer to leave it. I struggled for years, esp. as a teen to not let it affect me. When i started dating, well...dating was all. I wanted to be a good girl and save myself for marriage. I was so nieve that it didn't occur to me that i was no longer a virgin. When i went away to college, my two best friends, guys, used to tease me and tell me i was "the last of the red hot virgins" I thought..cool...a virgin hippie chick...that's me. I met and became engaged to a man when i was 21. He never forced the sex part...told me he could wait..(of course you know he was also getting his kicks elsewhere). After a time, i decided to follow through and have sex. I so wanted to be a "normal" woman. Sex was um...non-eventful. I thought...what's all the fuss about? I dated one guy in between before i met my husband and had sex that man also. I was no slut...but neither was i abstinent. I also started wondering...how could my parents not have known about my 4yr trauma. Still, I kept quiet...until age 35. My father had just passed away the fall before and my mom was visiting from out of town. Oprah had a show on about child sexual abuse. My mother was ranting about how bad that was. I said, mom, do you believe that and she was incensed that i would think it was ok. SO..i said, mom, when we lived in "name of town" Joey used to rape and sodomize me. Expecting her to rush to me...she went off on me...called me a liar. I asked could she tell me where joey was and she said that she did know but she would never tell me...my garbage imagination was not going to embarrass her or hurt her friend. In one way, i was crushed...but my family was so verbally, and emotionally abusive to me...in my heart...her reaction was no great surprise. When she passed away...i found the pictures of him and destroyed both wallets and the obscene pic of him in our family album.
So, now, all these years later, my husband finally knows. Yes, I WAS RAPED and sexually abused in every way you can be sexually abused. Each day, at least once, every day of those 9 long months. I never blamed myself. I still don't blame myself...or my brother. We were babies. I don't think my brother has admitted to himself what he went through. I never questioned my interest in males, i never cut, i never did anything but be the most insecure person on the planet until high school..where i started experimenting with drugs. I grew up a tomboy and rough...as my brother is a hemopheliac and could not take up for himself..i did it for him. His little sister by 3 yrs. Once a few years ago...i asked him, what he remembered about that time. I knew joey's first name but couldn't remember the last name. HE DID...it was the first thing he mentioned...and added that he remembered the tent and saw his first playboy and naked woman. He asked why i wanted to know and all i could say is that i just was curious.
So...now it's mostly out there. a bit more nitty gritty than i had planned but strangely...i'm feelin ok with it. The boys might read this and think they know way more than they should...and that may be true...but this is only an outline of those 9 months and the lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse from my family. I no longer have contact with either my brother or sister and again..strangely...i'm ok with it...actually relieved. I LOVE THEM AND WOULD DIE FOR THEM...(my siblings)...BUT I NO LONGER LIVE FOR THEM OR THEIR APPROVAL.
I want all who read this to know...life can be great...even with what you've been through. YOU have to make it ok...nobody can do that but you and you CAN make a happy life..even while healing! I was determined to be normal...and while i'm not even closed to healed...i've found sisters and brothers here to hold me in their words and caring and most of all ...their understanding. I try to be there for everyone of you...and if i back away...it's because i've been triggered and need to collect myself..not that i don't care.
I hope this helps someone out there just a little bit...i'm finally dealing with this with the help of my wonderful husband and family and the love and understanding i've found here. I AM PROUD OF MY DOT...and PROUD OF THE DOTS of my family and friends. I DID NOTHING WRONG...YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG...i tried to dull the pain over the years with drugs (it was the time of flower children), I tried to drown it in booze and combining the two. I learned the joy of what sex could be...but i'm still working on areas of that even after 28yrs of marriage. I will probably dealing with healing the rest of my life. I have been happily with my husband for 34yrs. My sons are now grown...one will be 28 next month and the other is 25, married and a father of a daughter. They are loving, wonderful men and for that i am gratful. They were raised to know that NO MEANT NO..and all of their relationships have proven that this message took. As I said..this is a tad more than i wanted to let out but i'm ok...if they read this...well...i will feel bad that they have to know that much...they both know i was abused but that's all. They are sure to find it disturbing..but even this "small glimpse" into just a grain of salt of the details, I pray they will not think less of me or be too upset by it. All of their close friends are my "other kids"..and i love them all so very much and they know it. IF they read this...maybe it will explain a bit about why "mom" is a bit nuts in the head. To M and J and A and A and D.....i love you all...don't think bad of me for telling this much...I NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME...AND FOR ANYONE IT MIGHT HELP!
To each member of my family...THANK YOU..and to my husband, God Never Created A More Loving Man...BEFORE YOU...HE MADE YOU FOR ME!
To each and every member of my family of suvivors...I LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE MY OWN FAMILY..YOU GIVE ME PEACE, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, AND A PLACE TO RUN TO. IF I BACK AWAY...IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T CARE...I JUST NEED TO TAKE MY TIME AND REGROUP. LIFE CAN BE WONDERFUL, IN A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP AND I COUNT MY BLESSINGS THAT DESPITE THE HELL I LIVED IN UNTIL LAST YEAR ALL ALONE, I HAVE A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE AND THE JOY OF CHILDREN, THOSE I GAVE BIRTH TO, AND THOSE I DIDN'T, AND I HAVE A PHENOMENAL DAUGHTER (inlaw) AND THE MOST AMAZING GRANDDAUGHTER IN THE WORLD.
I AM HERE IF YOU EVER NEED ME AND MY MOST FERVENT PRAYER IS THAT YOU EACH FIND A SOULMATE AS WONDERFUL AS I HAVE.
I WISH YOU ALL PEACE
PEACE TO YOUR HEAD
PEACE TO YOUR HEART
PEACE TO YOUR SOUL
PEACE TO YOUR SPIRIT
PEACE TO YOUR ENTIRE BEING.
PEACE AND MUCH LOVE