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Posted 12 day(s) ago by Cirdan
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2 comments
I know some of you have told me this and I know in my head that it wasn't my fault. But I still feel so guilty.
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Posted 4 month(s) ago by hannahmariestegall
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1 comments
Idk what to say. I gues can say. I am healing slowly very slowly. And since Shawn my ex left I have been so silent. I don't talk about many of my problems. Just the ones that don't hurt. But I can't help but feel so numb most of the time. Like I'm not alive. I do have happy moments and I am thankful for life. But I guess I just haven't understand fully. I have healed mostly from the abuse. But what I haven't healed from is the breakup. I just can't ge...
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Posted 9 month(s) ago by SweetEscape
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6 comments
So, I have night terrors quite frequently... I wanted to post something, how I deal with them after they are over, and helpful things I have found to help them decrease.... I want to be able to have other's share how they got over them as well... Firstly, I am going to discribe what my personal night terrors are like. Right before I fall into REM sleep, my body starts "twitching". It's like I become super hyper-sensitive. Then images start rushing through my...
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Posted 10 month(s) ago by discoveringthenewme
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4 comments
So things were going amazing in my life. I found the "new me." However, it was all a mirage. All I am good for it being used and abused. I thought I married a wonderful man. Nope. I married a pig. I have been cheated on, caught him posting pictures of himself online for other women to look at, and now I found out that he has a picture of his "friend" in a bikini saved on his computer with a bunch of other nude women. I give up. I honesly wish somebody would just kill me. I quit my life.
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Bella
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2 comments
havent been on here for a long time. its hard to find the words i want. was in hospital twice in 2010 and been off work since. been trying to do what i'm 'supposed' to do to recover, but dont feel like i am getting anywhere. so tired of the pain and struggling to survive. dont know if i will have the strength to get through this. hospital programs want to deal with 'here and now', and not the things that brought me to this place, b...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by hannahmariestegall
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0 comments
God damnit i could of saved him. He could of been alive today. But no i had to be selfish. Yes he wasnt the best. But he certainly wasnt the worst. Maybe if i just helped him better called someone. Let someone know. Idk talk him out of it. I couldnt even go to see him buried. I didnt feel anything when i got the message. I just i went numb. I couldnt even speak. God im so horrible. If i just did something anything. i hope he is happy now. God knows i feel like shit. I tried i just idk i coul...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by akaye02
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2 comments
Hello, I have not been on this site in a longggg time. I am doing "alright" I guess, I will be done with my bachelors degree next spring which is a lovely feeling. I have met a wonderful man and I am going to therapy. I say I am doing "alright" because I still feel like just giving up on my life (not suicide), just saying screw it sell everything and become homeless. Why do I do this to myself everytime I am about to finish something positive I start messing up. ...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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4 comments
You know.... I really thought things were getting better. I mean....honestly. I have gottan so much better over the last 2 years. Im finally starting to feel like its healing.... But then I look back and see the problems that linger with me in everyday life. Things that are a direct cause of the house I lived in and the past I faced. I suffer from an addiction that causes me great shame.....one that makes me hate looking in the mirror to see the freak I have become through it all. F...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by LindsayMiller
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3 comments
It's been along time since i've posted a message here. I've been through alot, and come to know a different me. A more positive, optimistic me. I've been in a state where my abuse was behind me for the last few years. Finally working through my first BIG struggle with it all. I've lived the last two years where my abuse wasnt all i ever thought about. And it is beautiful. However, recent issues with my littlest sister going through some pretty tough shit, my own ...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Sydnei94
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4 comments
So lately it seems like the past just keeps finding a way to sneak up on me. I been feeling really down lately, depressed, moody, and everything else. Peple notice and ask questions, but me being me naturally I don't say anything. It's crazy because I thought I was over it, but it feels like it still affects me. Is it normal to feel this way even when I've moved on, or am I still struggling?
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Bongi
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1 comments
I smile but you don't know deep inside I am crying! I think about it everyday, u held me down and forced your way in my childhood! Today I am an addict because I would like to erase it all! I have realise I cannot do that
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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2 comments
You know what? I am so tired of hurting.....of feeling so great and finally feeling like im going somewhere in my life....only to feel scars burn. To feel like I can never get away from it. I swear....its like its chasing me. Now....I do understand that I havent been posting about how much it gets to me in months because of my boyfriend and since hes gone suddenly it hurts. Thats how my Mother believes anyway. But I hope you guys understand thats not the case. I hurt on random days whe...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Sophie
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2 comments
So its been a while since Iv felt things welling up, but I seem to have hit that point again. I guess changes in life can drag everything to the surface as im having new and exciting flash backs (we all know how much fun those can be. Hello cold sweat and waking up teary). Its so frustraing as I was feeling comfterbale with me and now those old feelings have come creeping back as new memories are arising. Its making dealing with social situations hard, my self esteem drop and just m...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Cirdan
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1 comments
I just woke from a nightmare and started crying. I am begining to think that the nightmares and the pain will never go away. Its been 10 years or more since the abuse ended but I still can't stop thinking about it. It seems like a scar that just won't heal. I am getting sick and tired of all the sleepless nights, flashbacks, tears and pain!
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by MeganGracie
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2 comments
I'm struggling this week. Really struggling. I feel so selfish, because I need so much support right now just to get through, day by day, and I know that my friends and family have much more important/exciting things to do than help me. I spent an hour sobbing my heart out to my friend on the phone earlier, and it's not fair that he should have to deal with me in that state. I've decided to have counselling to help me deal with what I've been through....
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by iamsilentnomore1995
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3 comments
nothing im doing is helping :'( its been a year and 8 months and im still not over it! why cant i just forget? its killing me, and i can only see the easy way out :'(
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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7 comments
Just like it says I found my father. I looked up his name on google along time agoe and found a message on a ansitery site of a lady looking for her grandparents. I contacted her because she included my fathers name in her search. We stayed in contact via email for sometime and I decided it was time to meet her. Well, it was too late then because she had passed away. I was devistated to not have meet her in person. Well to make a long story short, I looked it up again being yesterday and my ...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Alone
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1 comments
Greetings fellow survivors and supporters. It's been over a year since I've been on this site. Believe me when I say it's not been by choice. I have missed being connected to others who have walked the path I've walked. There is a comfort and support that comes from being with others who understand without saying a word. To anyone new here, welcome. This is by far the best site for just that...support. And venting! I will be...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by Iluv2smile
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2 comments
He should've just killed me that night but instead he let me live I have to live with what he done to me he violated my mind, body, & soul I am emotionally damged how can he just keep coming around and actting like nothing happend he knows what he did I know what he did I won't forget what he did to me it will never be the same I will never be the same I am damaged emotionally he did what he wanted and got away with I can't change the past or erase what happend it will be wit...
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Posted 1 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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10 comments
I never thought my past would hit me like a rock again. I struggled for so long to get to my point of healing, to have it end in hell. I have always protected my chldren and made sure no harm or evil would come there way. Until the day my father in law arrived at our doorstep 2 years ago. He has been in our lives for 2 years, I shared my love, my problems and my home to him. I trusted him with all my heart with my children. I never thought they were in any danger from this man. He left sudde...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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2 comments
I fail. I totally screwed up. I cut my wrist. Been bout 6 months since i had done it then i just fuked up and done it. so over this. dont know how much longer i can do this. :(
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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2 comments
I can't do this anymore. it is so hard to eat again. im eating a little bowl of cereal in the morning. and a bit of fruit later on. im exercising when i have energy. I have gone into this eating disorder so fast this time. last time i graduall cut food out till i ate nothing. this time ive skipped steps to what im eating now. if i do eat something else, i will make myself sick. i feel guilty with wat i am eating already.. im scared cus i dont think it will ...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by SJKL
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6 comments
A brief moment of pure happiness an excitement.. an eternity of heartbreak and pain. 5 weeks of joy, I was set on having you in my life forever. In a split second you were detached from my life, and all I can do is cry for our loss. People telling me I'm young and have many chances to bring new life to this world, if they only knew how untrue that is.. my love does not have a life time to help me concieve. I stay awake crying, wanting so bad to still feel you inside of me.. my mind refu...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by patchworkheart
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0 comments
I guess Im writing here because of all places I thought maybe this is the place I would be best understood. I have bipolar disorder, severe anxiety and ptsd. I was 13 when I was in an abusive relationship the events of which still cause me massive problems today - the relationship lasted a year and in that year ... there were things that happened to me that physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually violated me, damaged me and humiliated me beyond words. And I carrie...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by unkniwn10
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2 comments
okayy here it goes this my first time talking about this to anybody other then my ex boyfriend and the only reason i told him is because i was very drunk at the moment and very emotional. anyways everything started when i was in second grade mayb about 6 or 7 years old, that was the first time i was molested. my mom was a single mom raising 3 kids my dad was around but there was alot promblems that he had to deal with before my mom would let me or my sister be around him she worked two jobs...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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2 comments
It was Friday the 4th of Feb. I was hanging with my ex bf. I broke up with him so he was never happy that we split but i agreed to be friends. He started touching me and got on top of me. i told him no and tried pushing him away but he kept going. i fought him for about 15 mins. but he was so strong. i thought maybe if i go to sleep he will leave me alone. but he kept going, i gave up. the whole time he was touching me i had flashbacks. i just wanted him to stop...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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4 comments
Was everything really my fault? Should I have tried harder? Should I not have let to him get through my defenses? Was I wrong to feel so....completly worthless and useless? Was I right to try my best? Was I wrong for the reasons it happend? I couldnt help it....I knew better...but....it couldnt have all been my fault.....I thought I was finally past this :'( Could I really be to blame? For being so fucked up? For not know how to say no? For NEEDING someone ...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by Cirdan
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1 comments
Tonight my suitemates and friends, @ college, take turns coming into my room asking me to come to a brinner with them. A brinner, if you can't tell by the name is having breakfast at dinner. Anyways, while I would really like to go and hang out with them my inner child was holding me back. While I feel like I should share what he did to me there is still a part of me that is afraid of people's reactions when they find out why I am such an introvert and is afraid of being hurt again...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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4 comments
Just recently I found a park not far from my house...and I've been meaning to go there for the past week..today, I finally went. The park is small....and there was only a few kids there....so I sat down on a bench, and just looked around. I found my mind wandering off....going to a very dark place. The longer I was there...the more people came....and I just watched the parents and the little ones...the only thing in my heart was longing. They had what I never did....and I could...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by JLee
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1 comments
It seems as though when college starts up at the beginning of each semester the nighmares come back with a vengence. I haven't figured out why. They haven't seemed to let up yet either. I haven't been getting my normal 4 hours of sleep a night. I have been waking up every hour on the hour if not a few times within the hour. It has been leaving me exhausted, yet I can't sleep. I have been taking over the counter sleeping pills waiting for my perscription, but I'm afra...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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3 comments
My grandmother is not well, has not been for awhile now, we are waiting for the day she passes on. My mother made huge sacrifices and relocated to be by her side. She moved homes, quit job and had to leave her family behind. I know it sounds bad, but I would do the same for her ( my mother ). My grandmother is a tough lady and has been through alot but, I was not expecting her life to be full of abuse. She told my mother awhile back her childhood/teenage years was very hard. Went into detail...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by marfafilms
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5 comments
there are many categories i wanted to put this in, but i had to settle for struggles. 2011 was supposed to be a good year. 2010 was the second worst year of my life (after 2007), and this year was supposed to make up for it. but we are only eight days in, and its already starting to surpass 2010. in the last four days alone, i found out i am going to lose my apartment, meaning i will be homeless again, my phone burned out last night, and the warrenty is void all because a tiny s...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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2 comments
Hey everyone.... I suppose if you know me, even through my messages, then you know I havent been so good for the last few months. A lot of it due to my best friend. Now this perticular best friend is the one who helped me when I was a 13....shes the one who gave me the strength to stop my brother in what was happening. She gave me my life back in so many ways....and I felt like I needed her....I owe that girl my life. But things have happend...things have changed I fell in love w...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by marfafilms
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8 comments
I was just talking to one of my dearest PWP friends and I mentioned a song that reminded me of "the last time I ever saw Satghn". She asked what happened and I was upset for a second that she didn't know. then I realized that nobody knew because I never told anybody what happened... As I am sure most people on this site will remember, Peggy passed away earlier this year. My dad was married to Peggy, and therefore KC (being Peggy's daughter) is my sister and Satghn (bei...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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2 comments
I know I've been updating alot lately....but thats cause getting help is stirring up alot of things inside me. And my family....and a few friends for that matter. When I talk to the lady..she just listens..she will add in her own say every now and then..but for the most part, I really feel like she sees it from my point of veiw. The way my parents cant seem too...its funny. Im heading into my third session and we are still covering the bulk of my problems lol....theres that much. I d...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by Pinky09
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4 comments
So I finally made an appointment to see a therapist for next week....I really hope this helps because everyday is a struggle for me :(
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by wichkid
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6 comments
Racism is a disgusting part of our society. I have rebuked so many of my "friends" for making racist statements or actions, but I have a problem that gets thrown in my face. If you have read my story you know I was attacked and raped after I was an adult (at 23 years old). There is more that I haven't shared here, and I could use some help or advise. When I was attacked I was not able to see my attackers face,so I have gone all these years not knowing if he was still around me. The o...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by SarahElizabeth
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4 comments
My face is vacant; my eyes are abandoned of the whimsical sparkle they once portrayed. I begin to fade off into my childhood. I feel as if I am my nine year old self again. I am pette- approximately 4 feet 10 inches, weighing well under 100 pounds. He enters the room, asking if I will play video games with him. I deny the request, though my mom encourages me to go play with my big brother. As we enter the basement, my heart begins to race. This is so because I know what is to come. ...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by jannehelen
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2 comments
I wasn't able to go to work today. When I woke up I had such angsiety in my chest holding me back. Not been out, not able to get there. Wanted to hide the view of the harbour in the town I live in behind curtains, but I had a kind friend on visit that had to open that view to me anyway... I am SO cloes now to the curtroom and I really want to go there. I hate to be so close and afraid someone or something is going to steal that away from me too! :-S After 24 years this means ev...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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6 comments
I just took 90 tablets. =(
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by Ducttapedrose
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12 comments
At the end of last school year, I suddenly found I had a stalker. It took me a while to figure this out, as I'm not very observant, but after he came up to me and started rubbing my leg one day, I kind of guessed. I had several incidents with this man, most of which fall into the category "the height of creepy" one of which was terrifying. (He was angry at me.) The problem was that I'd freeze up whenever he started doing something, or even just came close to me. However, it was the...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by problemsolved
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4 comments
I turn to you today, PWP, because I am lost, hurt, and feel hopeless. So please bare with me as I tell this story. I told myself, that this would be a great summer. I am 20 years old, and I knew I was gonna feel young and vibrant. It all started when I was seventeen. I had the most amazing, cutest, blonde haired, blue eyed football player boyfriend. We were together,eh im going to say, about a year...then we broke up because he cheated on me. At that time, I wanted to lose my virginity...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by Ducttapedrose
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1 comments
I'm sorry, this is a bit long and rambling. I'm so tired of being afraid. I look back on my life, and there's so much fear there, it's leaking out, it's poisonous. When I was very little, even before the abuse, I was horribly, painfully shy. Afraid of people. People have always been my biggest fear, I suppose. What they're capable of. And I don't care what you're scared of, I can't imagine a fear more debilitating than people. Particularly w...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by md13
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3 comments
I don't really even know how to start this, or what i should say, think, feel. i know i've had it easier than some, my situation is really simple compared to others, but it's still hard to deal with and think about sometimes. i believe that i have been molested my grandfather, but then again, any definition i can find on "molestation" doesn't quite fit what i've been through, but i know i'm not crazy, but i know something's not right in the way i am t...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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6 comments
I'm embarrassed right now so much. I split at work today and cried unbelievably. There was a paper at my staff table, about a little girl that got murdered in our town by her step father. I didn't even know about it and I would not expect to read about it at my work as I drink my coffee. First I got pissed right off and sad who in fuck would leave something like this in here. Then I started to cry uncontrollably. Everyone just looked at me, nobody knows anything about me....
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by leahslife
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3 comments
well here goes, this week i have moved back to were my abuse started and my abuser still lived, im stupid i know i have done this to try and save my marriage but after just a few days i have already seen my abuser face to face. no words were exchanged between us but know he knows i am back. i am worried after pressing charges and the case against him been dropped that he is going to try and get some form of revenge. i have three wonderful children that in know feel i have put in ...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by nicholusbowick
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2 comments
seems like past month or so i've been lost not sure where my mind has been
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by babygirljen16
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4 comments
Hey guys...I know some of the people on here are probably waiting to read how I am.....well here it is. I honestly dont know what I am right now. I know things arent as bad as they use to be, but they sure as hell arent good. I mean...im turning 18 on Saturday....and according to my Mother I have to be out of her house that day. And I have no where to go. Sure I have a boyfriend who says he will take care of me, but I cant do that....Im not going to place that burden on him. Same thing wi...
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Posted 2 year(s) ago by kimbag
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1 comments
Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks!!!!!!!! Bloody Hell feeling so fucking rubbish and I know it's good for me to grieve not having decent parents who i could ever rely on, ever feel safe or supported with, ever turn to in a crisis... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair and I hate that I can NEVER have that EVER because it's a need that wasn't met when it should have been and now I'm an adult I can't have it from anyone because ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by livingmylif3
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2 comments
so tonight I'm back at the point of stress and the stupid flashbacks that don't let me live my life. tired as hell but i cant sleep, and i did something bad tonight, i made my brother burn my arm with a cigarette and he burned 3 burns that burn the first layer of my skin. its hurting and i don't know how I'm going to explain it to my mom tomorrow, but i just have so much stress and i thought maybe burning was a way to relieve it because nothing else was working, but...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by livingmylif3
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4 comments
I'M AFRAID I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK I HEAR NOISES IN THE DARK I FEAR THAT I WILL BE ABUSED AGAIN IN THE DARK I'M AFRAID I'M AFRAID OF SLEEPING THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN MY SLEEP I'M AFRAID I'M AFRAID OF HIM ANYTHING CAN SET HIM OFF HE CAN DO IT AGAIN AND I'M AFRAID
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Help
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3 comments
i thought i was going good, i thought i was getting there slowly bit by bit day by day trying to keep my head up and not go back to the pain, but then i got hurt even worse that made me lose everything, out of all the people, the person i thought was my best friend and i mean BEST friend turned out to be fake, i knew her for so long i always tired everything i could to helped her in her time of need, and what does she do!! make me seem like a liar to everyone, talking bad about me behind...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by littlechicky
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3 comments
It's 2.30am and I'm afraid to go to sleep. Afraid to go to bed, even. I can't turn out the lights in case I fall asleep. I couldn't face another night like last night. I let my guard down last night. I let myself rest, and I fell asleep. I shouldn't have done that. I can't do it again. I mustn't do it again. It replayed in my head, over and over and over again. Only worse. I felt the pain, li...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Tigerlily
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0 comments
So I finally did it, I told my family that I have a Dissociative Identity Disorder. I wrote them each a letter and the responses have been tough, basically ignoring what I was saying and telling me their problems, or telling me to 'just get over it'. Well you and I know that just doesn't work otherwise we wouldn't be talking to each other on this website would we? I feel I am going to have to say to members of my family that I cannot have any contact wi...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by pernille
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3 comments
I feel really blahhhh...its like im so filled up with all this shitt its no room for anything else...therapy is still hard, i have more flashbacks coming...and it really suck ass ! I have a HUGE problem dealing with anger...like this morning my hubby was really in a bad mood, shouting and yelling on everyone...he has been working lots latly, not sleeping enough...and the kids chose this morning to do eveything backwards...so i understand he was pissed at them...he had good reasons to be a...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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9 comments
I put this under struggles because lately my life, my families life has been a struggle. I didn't know when my next meal would be, worried to get an eviction notice, waiting for power and heat to be cut off. Yes, it is that drastic. It's been very hard constantly borrowing money to survive. I just wanted to say thank you Mandee for your prayers. I'm at aw today because the phone has not stopped ringing, I have without a lie 3 interviews this afternoon. Andrew has 1. It ha...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by pernille
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6 comments
im so out of myself.....i really hope this will pas quiqly as H____ !!! just wondering if any of you ever feel that its too difficult watching over yourself? im so scared to relax...im scared if i do everything will get worse and that i cant handle at all right now. i feel as i am not safe to myself, and thats fucking scary !!! this week hubby isnt home until friday,,,so im alone with the kiddos, witch i belive would have been really great if i didnt feel so freaking insane...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by pernille
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5 comments
Today is a day i feel the urge to showe and shower over and over again....I have that smell stuck in my nose, its coming from my mouth...my down parts...my skin..... no matter how much i wash and scrub the smell stayes....i cant get IT OFF.... i know this is only in my head, but it dosent help much,i still feel that ugly smell. As a kid i i thought that smell could be cleaned away, i could sit in the shower for hours and try to get it off.. the water got cold..st...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Violet
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5 comments
So there's a bunch I want to write about.. But can't now. Because Family Day was Monday (for those not from Canada, we have this really dumb holiday called Family Day. It's seriously pointless but an extra day off work or school plus extra pay because it's a stat holiday, I'll sure as heck take it!!) I ended up breaking my hand. Not only did I break my hand... it's my writing hand. Can we say FML? I have a creative writing class first period, then math, then bio...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Ducttapedrose
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4 comments
I've put off writing this note for about a week now, but I think I could really use some support. Or just to vent a bit. As always, please don't read this if you don't want to. I'll try not to trigger anyone, but I'm definitely going to be discussing suicide and self-injury, so if those are triggers, please stop now. I don't want to upset anyone, just trying to work some things out. I've mostly been pretty healthy since I joined this site. I mean, at the ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by marfafilms
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4 comments
Asking for things (of any kind): I was raised to not ask for things, even if I really needed them. I have so many childhood memories of asking for something (a favour, something at the store, etc.) and my dad hitting me or punishing me and saying, “Don’t ask for stuff.” After we (my mom and I) left and then met and moved in with Wayne, that mind set stayed with me. Even though he (Wayne, my stepfather) never told me “Don’t ask for stuff”, he did s...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by jessiihannah
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2 comments
...is too hard now.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by faithfuljesusfreak
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3 comments
For those of you who pray and believe in God, please pray for my family. We just recently lost two members of my family. My great-grandmother passed away a week ago today and my grandfather passed away two days ago. These were my grandmother's mother and husband. She is dealing with this harder than anyone in the family. Her and my aunt are having the hardest time dealing with my grandfather's passing because they witnessed his passing. So please keep us all in your prayers. Thank ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by jessiihannah
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1 comments
I still manage to see characteristics of the people who changed my life in random people wanking down the street. I see the same eyes, same smirk, I hear someone yelling at a child and it sounds like one of their voices, I see someone with the same swagger. How do you seperate the past to the present? I can't seem to do it, even after all this time... it still hasn't gotten any easier.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by pernille
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4 comments
my anxiety is still a well hidden secred....only my doctor and hubby ( hubby just got to know) knows about it. i have had it for over 11 years,and i still remember my first meeting with it. i was 17, 8 months pregnant with my boy, and a new shopping senter had opening day in town. i was with my bf, looking at the shops, buying baby stuff and having a really nice time together. suddenly i felt this overwhelming fear, like shock waves thrue my body...at first i thought it was something w...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by tImEtoHeAl
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2 comments
It' been almost 2 months since I have been on this website. For a while, I decided to try to ignore everything that happened because I didn't think that I could continue living my life with all this junk on my mind. As many of you could probably tell me.....that never works. I know. I'm sooooo tired of all the stuff that's going on. My aunt did die. My brother did get a divorce and both are suffering, which hurts me to see. My oldest sister won't even look at me. My...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by pernille
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6 comments
I think its very common that survivors after any kind of fysical abuse dissconect with their bodys..so has i.... latly i have had some problems with it that has forced me to take actions and think about what i really actually do feel fysically. last week i "lost" my foot, so called drop foot, and i had to see my doctor with it. he said its not a very common thing to get and tomorrow i have a check on the hospital. he asked me if i have had any back pains, and i said no to it. ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Ria
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2 comments
Today I got high because I felt like getting high. Afterwards I felt like shit because I told myself I would never do that. That I would never get high to mask all the pain I am in. Thought it would make the anixaty better. It didn't, made me feel worse. Then I lied to people I care about about it. I feel like shit. I regret this so much. Today was a shitty day, pardon the language. It sucked. I regret so much having to hide my struggles from people I care about. I feel worse ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Bella
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I have been having such a hard time collecting my thoughts, but i think i just need to start getting this down, and see where it goes. I lost my biological father recently, and i'm still confused about how i feel about it. My parents split up when i was four, and we moved to a different city. I can only remember a couple of visits, and then contact stopped for a long time. However, when i was around nine, he moved to the same city. My mother and stepfather...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by dancingshadow
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3 comments
I've hit bottom. I'm terrified. I'm afraid, because I was here once before... and that was several years ago when I attempted suicide. Everything has gone completely black. I can think my way through it all right now, and my emotions are whipping around like a hurricane. I'm afraid that this is where sanity may slip into insanity. I'm afraid that I can't hold it off anymore. I tell myself "Keep breathing". Just live through...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Violet
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2 comments
So it's Christmas time, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, time for your holiday since there are like 10 holidays for this time of the year. Normally everyone is very happy and excited making lists of the things they want and going shopping for their friends/family members. Me not so much. I've had flashbacks all week. Recently in one of my classes in school we are doing seminars where for a half hour a student is the teacher and tlaks about a social issue. Someone did in...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by marfafilms
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4 comments
Friday night, my sister and bestfriend, Phoenix (TigerBella on here) had a miscarriage. I will never see my niece/nephew. It has bee na HARD weekend for both of us. An interesting sting on my facebook Wall came out of this: Brian Michael McDowell No one call or txt me at all today, please. Death in the family last night (unborn neice/nephew). Allie ****** i'm really sorry...... Yesterday at 10:19am...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Ria
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I am so numb today. Last night I was so hard. I already felt so numb from all this stress and all these feelings and thenI learned that someelse I know is also a survior and really couldn't react I had no clue. It felt like its just more wieght on my sholders. Today I am still numb. Numb. Being a survior is so hard as it is and then I fell like such a bitch for not really caring that someone else was too. I could not handle it. I'm sober and I am safe but I feel so numb...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by nocomment
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4 comments
i see you in the darkness i fear you in the light i live in constant fear will it ever be allright? you took away my innocence you stole away my life i was just a little child whom you hurt and left in pain you often riped my clotheng off then raped me till i bled you beat me black and blue then forced me to say i loved you you made me you personal toy i was forced to do so many horrible things you told me you wanted to love me like my mother but ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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My hands hurt, My feet hurt, They burn in pain and are swollen, Ever since I can remember, My fingers, my toes always hurt, I would tell him it hurt, Please don't do this, He would say it's fine and continue, It would hurt so bad, I would cry so hard, Too this day I have been doing the same to myself, He taught me how to crack my fingers and toes, Why the hell would you do that? Now it is so hard to stop this, It always reminds me of h...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by strongmelanie
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1 comments
Sleep ,how do you do it? I stay up most of the night? I'm tired but when I close my eyes, The memories are there, I'm on medication to relax, It does help me a lot, I force myself to stay awake, I must hear everything in my home, I can hear the furnice kick on and off, The creeks in the floors, My cats' eating thier food, I could take a sleeping pill, This scares me and I would not hear anything, Have to stay awake to hear my babies too.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by demii
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1 comments
daddy, did yuu know it hurt, did yuu know he made me bleed, did yuu know he hit me, daddy, why weren't yuu there to make the pain go away, daddy, why couldnt you make it stop, daddy, why did yuu have to abuse me, daddy, why couldn't yuu tell mommy the truth. daddy, why did yuu let Mario rape me? daddy, did yuu know it was my biggest fear, did you know he hit me, did yuu know i cried, no daddy..yuu dont ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by patchworkheart
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I tangled in memories and trying so hard to stay in the present. Its been ten years. People tell me its in the past. They tell me I have to let go... Ive tried. Really really tried. But it, the past, him, wont let go of me. I have flashbacks still - more so this time of year (i think maybe i get triggered by the way the air is, smells, light, dark, holidays maybe) I have nightmares. My body sometimes feels exactly like it did then - to the point w...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by nani
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his eyes, his yells, his fist, and my swells. my cries and my screams, he laughs and kicks me. i live in fear hoping and praying, never to feel this way again. i thought i had won but now i see, it was only a start to the pain i feel. when will it end i beg, i dont want to feel this pain anymore.. be patient i am told, your time will soon come. i hope for my sake that you are right. i can no...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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3 comments
I can't stop showering. i feel so dirty. it doesn't matter how many times i shower or for how long. I still feel dirty. I have also been sleeping in my cupboard the last few nights because i have been so scared with flashbacks, and noises in the house. i am so jumpy. been jumping at everything. i am so afraid.. i just want to feel safe... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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6 comments
I am really struggling to cope this past few days. i feel like shit. wishing i was never born. things would be so much easier, if i never existed. hmm. dont know wats wrong with me. im totally drained.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by crackerjack
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1 comments
the inside of my head feels like a cyclone is going off inside. i feel like i'm teetering on the edge of a cliff. the more i struggle to gain my footing the more i lose my balance. I fear the daty i finally lose this battle with gravity is coming closer as we speak. I swore to myself that my son grow up better than i did. that he would have the patient carefree happy stable mother i never did. i wanted to shelter him from the hell that is out there. instead he gets a train wrec...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by wondergirl
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2 comments
i really struggle to accept the fact that i was raped and sexually abused. i dont know how to explain it. its like i know i was but only because thats what people told me. people tell me i was raped and sexually abused and it wasnt my fault. but deep down i struggle with that concept. i find myself calling it that because other people do. but no matter what deep down it feels like it was my fault so it couldnt have bbeen rape or sexual abuse. those words are so stron...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by kaguth
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You ask me how I am, I have no voice to explain. You have no time to speak, my voice is muted already. Silence is my routine, shutting down is my life. Pretending is so lame, the real me is no game. I wage through the havoc, the war I am far too familiar with. Going to God almost daily, but with no comrade by my side. Wish this was not so hard, to find a soul to love me. One I won't push away, or drown in the depths of darkness. The we's ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by heartofglass33
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2 comments
I WANT TO KILL MY MOUSE !!! No, really, I need a new one; I have to make this lousy rodent swim all over the damn page before it will go wher I want it land!!! Grrrrrrrr!! Anyway, I did get to talk to my Dearest Son, Adam, yesterday, on Yahoo messenger; was so very exciting for me, but because of this 1/2 dead mouse, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make contact w/ him before he signed out again. I miss him so achingly!! He was my only companion during the da...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by TraceyWeldon
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2 comments
This is the first time i posted like this Im finally managing to talk in therapy - after years of silence im managing slowly to stutter and stammer out the words to tell what happened. And I know thats necessary but as I do that I relive and my body remembers. It hurts like it just happened. As that pain and aching lasts for a long time. My body is constantly hurting. And the flashbacks seem so frequent. I think I see him all over the place - its ...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Lyllabus
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2 comments
im not really sure if this is really fits the struggles category but im struggling to answer the question everyone asks when i see talk to them "how are you?" Now i know everyone means well when asking this question but who honestly answers this question truthfully all the time? I mean really, half the time for me the honest conversation would go something like: friend: how are you? me: oh, not so great. friend: really? whats happening? anything i can do? me: uh well im g...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by livingmiracle84
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I have been trying to deal withall the abuse and rapes for a while now, but I still find myself falling back into the same self-destructive patterns over and over. I think I have come to rely on them for so long that they come naturally; like second nature or something. I am currantly in DBT treatment and have been hospitalized 4 times; most recently in July 2009. i have been to rehab and NA, But still I slowy self destruct. The abuse took away much of my c...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by MayaSofia
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2 comments
Hello everyone. today my boyfriend and I went to visit his mother. Now i am not in my home... I am at someone elses house with other people around me... here it smells strangely... there are strange noises... I am just scared... I dont know why and actually not even of what i am scared... I hate to go outside anyways... hate leaving my appartement... even going out to buy the food for the day is soooo difficult and i hate it so much... [[[[[[[[i get so flooded with...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by mt
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4 comments
As I fight with my demon. Today I decided no one can break this spirit I am worthy WE all are Worthy love happiness trust hope forgiveness I shout out everynite no more nitemares but tonite i will whisper I love me I see a soul a twinkle of light so stolen. rest in peace my sweet friend I will fight for us to the end.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by sadandconfused24
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3 comments
I've been pushed down so many times I feel this time will be the last as I lay here fading my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building as I lay here on the floor I have no strength to get up I'm not worth it any more
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by nocomment
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11 comments
it is really hard for me to tell my story all at once so i am trying my best to tell what i can when i can last night when i signed off here i was really hurt and upset i went to take a shower and brush my teeth (i'm not supposed to leave my room after 7pm or before 8 am) my dad came in and drug me by my hair to my room he told me i am a stupid little girl that deserves what is comming to me he ripped of my clothes and he raped me for almost 3 hours my mom walkied in and turned right ar...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by MayaSofia
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3 comments
Hello everyone. I just need to leave these thoughts here. And maybe someone has some advise for me. During the last weeks something happened... I used (?) to be anorexic. Well I dont think you ever fully get rid of it... You may have a normal weight at times and you may eat normally. But in your head, its just always there... So I was at a normal weight lately, eating normally and everything. So for what concernes anorexia I was doing really great (but well... only concerning ano...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by Leeleelee
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So I'm on vacation. I was suppose to go to Chicago so that I could get my furniture that I pay $300.00 a month for. It sits in storage. Its really 250.00 a month but every month it goes into auction and every month I pay the $50.00 late fee to take it out of auction. I didn't go to Chicago to get my storage room because I didn't have the money since I had to buy a car because the one I had wouldn't start anymore. Here I am in NC thinking about h...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by venuseed
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3 comments
That although I have had some terrible memories from my childhood and have concentrated on those in order to heal. I also have some really lovely memory's of my childhood too. This week I have been remembering the kindnesses, and the love that was shared with me. I know that I need my past to creat my future, but my past does not create my future.
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by tooyoung_survivorVA
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hah. yeah, basically the last message i posted? disregard that. i do this to myself all the time, too. i take these 180's and i think i'm getting better, when in reality i'm just setting myself up for disaster all over again. i have these revelations that i think will make me better; they never stick. i meet this people who i think will make me feel whole again; they never stick. i find support groups that are supposed to ground me; i don...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by KathyR
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4 comments
I know that I have posted a lot tonight. I appreciate you all barring with me. Tonight I seem to be all over the place; thinking about so much, but not able to put my finger on one thing. So frustrating. I tried to visit some pictures that make me happy; that take me to peaceful places, but my mind just kept going back to some of the stuff I have written in the past. Guess that is why I shared some of my writings, so I could acknowledge the thoughts and honor th...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by wichkid
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4 comments
Many of us have made statements that say( without actually saying it) That we don't have the right to live our lives to our full potential.That we are somehow unworthy to reach for something better. I have been in these thoughts, and I can't say for sure that I am going for my potential yet. I want to, but how can I really know?I struggled with this because when I was younger I had some lofty dreams of being a teacher or a doctor. I am 52 years old and I deliver pizza for a living,...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by sqiz8629
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3 comments
Well, this really doesn't have to do with my rape...but I thought I could come here for support on another issue in my life...so, here we go. On Thursday my best friend for three years, Reuben, decided to go all crazy. I was telling him how I was having the best week of my whole summer(which I was until this point), and he's like, "I didn't think it was possible for an emo loser like you to have a good week, or even a good day." I started crying immediately. I got really...
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Posted 3 year(s) ago by wichkid
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5 comments
How many times have you heard someone say "JUST GET OVER IT".If you are like me you feel like shaking some sense into the person saying it. I'm sorry to say that you never fully get over the effects of abuse. They come back in the form of flashbacks,as well as irrational thinking.I AM happy to say though, that it is possible to heal to the point of having your life back and finding happiness.When you first begin your healing journey, it seems like it is impossible to imagine ever being ...
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